ben: now I know you dont like to relinquish control-

eddie:come on! relinquish is just a fancy word for lose!

eddie: are you wearing makeup? where did your freckles go?

richie: huh? oh no, winter just makes my freckles fade, eds

eddie: I see…

(later)

eddie, beating the snow with a shovel while angrily mumbling: give. him. back. his. freckles. you. bitch.

bill: welcome to dumb boyfriends anonymous, where we talk about how dumb we are and work on it or something

bill: I’ll start. today my boyfriend tried to hold my hand and i got scared and screamed. who wants to go next?

eddie: someone tried to talk to my boyfriend so I set off the fire alarm

bill: congratulations, you win the weekly prize for worst story ever

eddie: I get it every week, it’s not special anymore

bill: well maybe you should be LEARNING FROM THIS

richie: getting a brain scan today, boys

stan: to check if you have one?

richie: thank you so much for your concern and support, Stanley.

richie: first of all I’m not A bitch I’m THE bitch

richie: did eddie just tell me he loves me for the first time?

bev:yeah

richie: and did I do finger guns back?

bev: yeah, you did

bev: and, if you have any suggestions, please feel free to jot them down and drop them in this suggestion box

bill: that’s…that’s a rubbish can

bev:exactly

bill: I start therapy tomorrow

bill: with any luck they’ll deem me unfit to live

richie:…—-.–/…—.-..-.-.–

stan: what’s that

richie: remorse code

stan: I’m even angrier

mike: I told Eddie that his ears turn red when he lies and now I can tell if he’s really lying

ben: what? how?

mike: watch this

mike: eddie do you love richie

eddie: *covering ears* no

ben: you… you… you rude person!

stan: go easy on him, ben

eddie: I’m not sure how many cookies it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty-seven

bill, at a party: so richie, truth or dare?

richie:dare

bill: I dare you to kiss the prettiest girl in the room on the lips

bill: Notice I charitably said girl and not person because, let’s face it, I’d smoke all you bitches

richie: I finally got my average resting heart rate down to 65 beats per minute

richie: only 65 more to go

mike: you have a girlfriend now?

bev: *awkward peace sign*

mike: two girlfriends?!?!

bill: a vodka for me and a juice box for him

ben: bill, I’m an adult

ben: I can buy my own juice box

mike: richie, we need to talk

richie: why? is it because I say “uh oh spaghetti-o’s” whenever something goes wrong?

mike, sighing:yes

richie:

richie: uh oh spaghetti-o’s

mike: get the fuck out of my house

richie: yeah, bill is a socks and sandals kind of guy but his sandals are Chanel and his socks are Prada so

bev: I hate men

eddie: good, more for me

something i can never forgive stephen king for is killing eddie and stanley..those bitches just wanted to be gay and happy with their boyfriends but no stephen makes this stupid clown bitCH RUIN EVERYTHING