Did I ever show y'all my Halloween costume from last year? I dressed as Alien That Looks Basically Like a Human But Has a Small Forehead Ridge. Then I went in the alley behind my house and did a photo shoot.
p.s. If you like seeing me in costumes, I now also have an OnlyFans - it’s PG-13 (aka boobs but nothing more scandalous than that…unless you ask) and the proceeds go to my fave abortion fund
Oh my god. Y’all. It’s a new Fashion It So post. In the year of our Picard 2020. Yes.
For literal years, Charlie and I have been like UGH WE NEED TO DO TIME’S ARROW PARTS 1 AND 2 BUT IT’S JUST SUCH A MONSTER.
Well, I’m doing a complete rewatch of the series with my partner and we just got to these two, so IT IS TIME.
We open in a cave in San Francisco, where Data and Picard are checking something out:
Rent for the cave is $6,000 per month
Showing them around is this guy in a Science Outfit:
He’s ready to go night biking
We’ve seen this look before in both Silicon Avatar and Devil’s Due, and it’s functional, yet cute. Basically a windbreaker in jumpsuit form.
They find a couple of items in the cave, including a pocket watch from 1889 and also:
I left my head in San Francisco
IT’S DATA’S HEAD!!! And it’s been there for FIVE HUNDRED YEARS. What could have caused this? And why is Data’s head so absolutely terrifying?
Is that fondant
This head is, in a word, haunting. The 2020 of heads.
Data and Geordi chat in Ten-Forward about what the presence of Data’s head in the cave means. Data says it means he’s mortal; that someday he will die, and that’s comforting. Spoiler alert: that’s not what it means. But it’s a nice conversation.
Also, Guinan is here!!!
Merlot My God!!
Or maybe: Burgundy-lightful!! Or perhaps: De-Crimson-alize Sex Work!! Okay that last one was a stretch but I really think I missed my calling as a nail polish shade namer.
Anyway, she’s here in her classic look of a pizza-sized hat and a flowing gown/coat/top/robe. The collar here is a little too close to a mock turtleneck for my liking and honestly - this is a little staid for our friend Guinan. I want a TEXTURE or a SWEEP or some WIDE RIBBING or some PLEATS. Don’t worry, though…she will get plenty more later.
Then there’s some plot which frankly we DO NOT HAVE TIME to get into but let’s just say: the away team goes to a planet, there’s a temporal disturbance, and Data ends up here:
Huge mood
Where are we? Or should I say WHEN are we??
Well that old-timey font is a good clue…also the horse
Are we in the Old West land of an off-brand Disneyworld? Are we going to ride something called Large Lightning Mesa Train Tracks? What colorful characters will we meet here?
Winner of 1893’s Mustache Medal
This type of ‘stache is called a Fu Manchu, after the character Dr. Fu Manchu. It’s not…a great look? But it is memorable, which is sometimes enough. He’s also wearing a simple black cap, probably made of silk. He’s keeping it cazh.
So where are we?
SAN FRANCISCO, OPEN YOUR GOLDEN GATE / YOU’LL LET NOBODY WAIT / OUTSIDE YOUR DOOR
Yes, it’s San Francisco. And it’s *eyes popping out of head like a cartoon wolf seeing a busty babe* 1893!!!! That temporal disturbance was…disturbing.
So who else do we have hanging out?
Please check out our Vaudeville act, Knit Cap ‘n’ Bowly
These dudes understand those famous Bay Area MICROCLIMATES, amirite? We’ve got a Henley. We’ve got a buttondown. We’ve got a vest. We’ve got a coat. No matter which way the thermometer decides to go, THEY ARE READY. Also loving the pop of forest green on Knit Cap’s knit cap.
We also have a 49er:
No, it’s not Steve Young. I googled “famous 49ers” to complete this joke so if there is a more famous 49er please let me know
It’s a literal 49er. Since it’s 1893, this guy’s been hanging around in town for a while, and he’s also familiar with the layering techniques one must master if one is to conquer the Bay Area’s climate. He also has a kicky Colonel Sanders-type tie. He asks Data for money and gives him a few panhandling tips. He’s chill. We like him. But don’t get too attached if you know what I mean!!!!
Data decides he needs somewhere to stay, so he finds a hotel:
Brian.
Why is this so funny to me. Brian. Why would you name your hotel Brian. Brian!!!! I know it’s a last name but like…Brian. HOTEL BRIAN.
This bellhop’s name is not Brian:
Where’s your hat, bro
He’s giving us a classic bellhop look, complete with too many buttons. He gives Data the very important information that there’s a poker game happening in the back of the hotel, which means: Data is about to be RICH rich.
The poker game includes a few good looks:
Louie Anderson IS Wolverine IN a Lands’ End barn coat
Two plaids? Sir…I salute you
Colonel Sanders Goes to Carnaval
Data, of course, wipes the floor with them so hard that he wins their clothes:
Didn’t get that barn coat tho
Yes, that’s the actual vest and the actual hat of those guys from the previous scene. Oh, I love it. I love Data in a vest over his uniform and I love Data with a feather in his cap. Let’s call it macaroni.
Meanwhile, out on the street, the plot is happening:
Beige: inescapable
This is our first taste of the decadent 1890’s sleeves that appear in this episode, and these aren’t even the best sleeves!! These are an amuse-bouche of sleeves. An armuse-bouche, if you will.
Anyway, these two are aliens disguised as humans who are here to steal the 49er’s life energy.
Pew pew pew
I told you not to get attached!!!
Back on the Enterprise, Guinan is doing mixology:
She would never call it something as stupid as mixology though
She tells Picard that he needs to go check out the temporal disturbance, too, even though captains don’t normally go on away missions, and then she gives him this look:
It’s that serious
When Guinan looks at you like this, you do what she says.
Now this outfit is much better than the earlier one. We have some pleated sleeves, which I didn’t even think was a thing you could DO. We have some sort of functional(?) strap(??) across the front. We even have matching fingerless gloves which always make a look A LOOK. And if Picard wasn’t sure whether he needed to go on this away mission, she then gives him THIS look:
Okay now it’s REALLY serious
Back in 1893, Data is making something:
It’s actually just a really complicated and large music box that plays “I Left My Head in San Francisco”
He’s gotten his hands on some more period-appropriate clothing, including a bow tie and a vest. Since he’s not wearing arm garters and his sleeves appear to be the correct length for his arms, we can conclude that the shirt was custom-made, not ready-made, because Data is now a baller due to his poker earnings.
Then, Data sees this in the paper:
I know her!! From work!!!!
Yes, it’s Guinan. In 1893. In a hat!!!!
We cut to the literary reception, which is honestly not as well-attended as I thought it would be, considering it got a GIANT photo of Guinan on page THREE of the paper, but okay. And who should we spy there but:
You’ll love my secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
No, it’s not Colonel Sanders. (Sorry, I really have Colonel Sanders on the brain because of that Lifetime movie.) It’s Samuel Clements, AKA Mark Twain. I had an English teacher in high school who explained the origin of his pseudonym (it indicates a mark of two fathoms, aka twelve feet, on a steamboat) and for some reason she shouted MAAAARK TWAAAAAIN when she told us that story so now her delivery of that line is in my head until I die I guess.
Anyway, it’s Mark Twain.
He’s wearing his iconic white linen suit with a black bow tie, and he’s also wearing a lot of prosthetics, because the actor playing him (Jerry Hardin, AKA Deep Throat from The X-Files AKA Melora Hardin AKA Jan Levinson-Gould’s dad) (was that too many AKAs) (you get it, right?) didn’t look enough like Mark Twain, I guess? In conclusion: what if eyebrow wigs were a thing?
Twain is having a chit chat with “Madame Guinan,” who is wearing what can only be called a sumptuous gown:
It’s 11:30 and the gown is sumptin’ sumptin’
There are so many ELEMENTS to this look! First of all: the color. Royal purple. Fit for a queen. Appropriate.
Then: those sleeves! These sleeves are known as “leg of mutton sleeves” because they KIND OF look like a leg of mutton. Have you ever seen a leg of mutton? I haven’t. I’ve only seen these sleeves. Plus they have a stripe?? No, I don’t know why, but I LOVE IT.
The cuffs and the cravat bring this from “dress” to “lewk.” Top it all off with this hat and you have a true 1893 mood.
What bird is that feather even from
We get a few good extra looks in this scene as well:
Pink Lady is NOT wearing a corset
Look, sometimes you don’t have enough period-appropriate undergarments for all the background people and that’s fine. But I WILL notice.
Is that Loretta Lynn
I am loving all of this! That purple dress is fantastic, those stripes? I die. Military man has some fun flair on his shoulder, and there is a dude in a beautiful turban back there. Plus, another Black lady in addition to Guinan and That One Ensign Who Is On The Bridge Sometimes.
Data rolls in to the literary event in a different suit with a CRAVAT:
Craving a cravat
Data is like “we serve together on the same starship in the 24th century” and Guinan is like “huh” but then she’s like “okay” which…I’m not sure if I would believe that? But let’s just say it’s fine.
Over in the 24th century, the literal entire bridge crew is checking out the temporal disturbance and I DON’T LIKE THIS AT ALL:
Blue Man Group…on ACID
These beings are like ghosts but also like Dr. Manhattan but also like pure energy.
Then everyone goes through the temporal disturbance AND THE SEASON ENDS.
Fortunately for you, this post will continue…right now.
Okay, so we’re back in San Francisco in 1893. You can tell by the horses:
Also the fruit carts
Samuel Clemens is strolling around with a reporter, telling him that he has a great story for him that involves time travelers and, like, protecting the nation.
Here’s the thing about this episode’s version of Mark Twain: he’s kind of a dick. Was the real Mark Twain kind of a dick? I just feel like Mark Twain should be JAZZED about meeting time travelers and not acting like a fuckin’ time cop* and trying to put the Enterprise crew on blast.
Anyway I love his double-breasted vest.
See my vest
The reporter’s hat is technically period-accurate, but that style is SO associated with the 1930s-1950s that I would have gone with something else. He looks cute though.
Meanwhile, Data is wearing a three-piece suit:
My positronic olfactory synapses are interpreting something as…a fart
I hate brown, but this is fine.
Additionally, the beige baddies from before are back and this time, they’ve got a SNAKE CANE:
Love the snake cane, hate how they suck the life out of people
But we are not here for them, we are here to see our faves in period clothing. Our first look is at Riker, who is dressed as an actual cop, not a time cop like Mark Twain:
The past just had…so many buttons
I guess if you’re a time-traveling white man there are worse disguises than a cop. But WHERE DID HE GET THIS UNIFORM? I choose to believe that he found a cop with a similar large handsome body to his own and beat the shit out of him and stole his clothes. Now we can all enjoy imagining a cop being beat up.
The badge that Riker is wearing is a great historical detail; the SFPD started wearing them in 1886 and are reportedly the first law enforcement agency to have worn the seven-pointed star, which is now a common shape among sheriff’s departments across the United States.
But let’s move on to a better look: Dr. Beverly Crusher:
Curlz MT
Okay, now I have more questions. Beverly obviously wouldn’t beat someone up for their clothes, so where did SHE get HER outfit? And who did her hair? Did she do her OWN hair? Where did she get a curling iron? Does she know how to use a curling iron? Was it one of those ones that’s actually made of iron that you have to heat up in a fireplace?
We will get answers to zero (0) of these questions.
We actually get a much better look at her dress later, so let’s focus on that cloak!!! I love it and I also love her hat. Okay, I guess I had less to say about those than I thought.
Bev and Will, along with the rest of the officers, have somehow procured a room/apartment in some lady’s lodging house. It’s cute!
They gave it 5 stars on AirBnB
This also raises questions. How did they get this room? How many bedrooms does it have? Are they sharing one large bed? If so, who has to sleep crossways at the foot of the bed and why is it Geordi? We will get zero answers to these questions as well, so let’s move on to arguably the hottest costume in this two-parter:
I’ll be in Holodeck 4
Whewwwwwww. He’s giving us a rolled sleeve. He’s giving us a casual tweed vest. The pants? They’re perfect. And he KNOWS how that slouch is working. It’s working VERY well. But the Irish landlady? She’s having NONE OF IT.
Absolutely NO nonsense
She needs the rent, but Picard charms her and she leaves. So I guess that’s how they got the room. Her look is knitwear-forward:
Eileen Fisher does sound like an Irish name
She’s got a shawl AND a cardigan! The cozy factor is OFF THE CHARTS. She also has a brooch, because a touch of fancy is always welcome. I will say that her hair is a little more fashion-forward than I’d expect for a woman of her age and station. This is straight up 1890s hair, and she would probably still be rocking an 1860s look, which isn’t as sweepy and would likely involve more braids. Still, she looks lovely.
Geordi is also here looking dapper:
Make the collar as high as you can. I want to be sliced open by my own collar
You CAN go wrong with a three-piece suit, but it’s difficult to. He can’t wear his visor, so he has some kicky shades which we’ll get a better look at in a sec.
Back at the Hotel Brian (lol), the bellboy (who we learn in this scene is Jack London, inspired to be a writer by Mark Twain [citation needed]) lets Mark Twain into Data’s room and allows him to look around unsupervised. This is very bad hotel management.
Great Scott
Then Data and Guinan show back up, and Mark Twain hides in an armoire.
One short day in the emerald brocade
I think one reason I love Guinan’s looks so much, both in the 24th and the 19th century, is that our color palette is very similar. We’re both winters. Bold jewel tones are the vibe. This one is in a beautiful deep green fabric with what looks like a velvet flocking pattern on it. The collar is also velvet, and I love that sleeve with a flounce on top like there wasn’t already enough fucking fabric on the sleeve so they just added a random piece to be like “yes, bitch. I’m a sleeve.”
Naturally, the hat is also jaunty af:
San Francisco’s hottest milliner is: Madame Guinan
This hat has everything: feathers, netting, a brim, an angle that makes you think it’s going to fall off but it doesn’t. We stan.
Meanwhile, Picard is setting up a sensor in a hospital while wearing a hat:
I’m bowled over
We haven’t even asked where Picard got these clothes, but I would like to point out that he’s dressed as a lower-class guy, while Riker is a cop, and Geordi looks like a gentleman. Was there even a discussion they all had about how they would disguise themselves? Was Picard like “I just really want to wear a beat-up bowler hat” and since he’s the captain, they extrapolated from there? This episode is NOT CONCERNED about any of this. They all have clothes, end of story.
Bev even has TWO outfits!!
Hello nurse!!!!
I love this look. She still has her unlikely hairstyle happening, which means her nurse’s cap is sitting atop her voluminous hairstyle. (Not very practical, but realistic!) She’s sporting a simple striped dress and a button-on apron. (Look closely and you can see the two buttons holding the apron to the dress.) The fabric underneath might be cotton seersucker, but it’s likely a lightweight cotton or linen twill. You can see how closely her look matches these nurses from a similar time period:
Hello nurses!!!!
Deanna is also in this scene and this episode, but you wouldn’t know it from what she’s given to do. HUGE SHOCKER: TROI NOT GIVEN ENOUGH TO DO IN AN EPISODE.
She still looks beautiful:
Why aren’t capelets more popular
We never get a really GREAT look at her whole outfit, but I can tell you that it has a capelet, it’s in the red family, and the hat has a lot of business going on. For those reasons: approved. It has a flounce in the back too:
More fabric = more wealth
Sometimes I think about just how much fabric it took to make these old-timey dresses and I’m like…how did anyone get anything done?? It takes me like 4 weeks to finish a pair of leggings and those have like 5 seams and I own a serger. These historical bitches were sewing whole ass dresses in no time at all.
Okay, so Bev is in this hospital and here come some more energy-stealing aliens, disguised as healthcare professionals this time:
I cannot take a medical professional wearing a LIGHT BROWN TOP HAT seriously, sorry
Bev AND this energy-stealing alien have BOTH managed to get their hands on the SAME nurse’s uniform?? I guess in the case of the alien, she is a shape-shifter, so she got her clothes from…that. And her hair.
I hate this light brown top hat. If you’re going to wear a top hat, don’t DISRESPECT IT by making it BROWN, but if you’re going to make it brown, make it a good brown, like chocolate. Stupid energy-stealing aliens.
There’s a skirmish, the energy-stealing aliens disappear, and the real cops show up:
MOUSTACHE
Of course, the cops showing up is bad, because when has a cop showing up ever made a bad situation better? Never. Defund the police, but don’t defund handlebar mustaches. Those can stay.
Fortunately, Data has gotten a ping on that machine he was building before and shows up on a motherfucking HORSE:
Brent just wanted to show off
He’s back in his brown striped suit and red tie. Okay.
Everyone returns to the boarding house to suss out the situation, and we get a look at what Riker is rocking underneath his cop jacket:
Suspend me daddy
You can see very clearly here how the collar is not actually attached to the shirt. This was a thing people in the olden days did so they could wear their shirt for multiple days in a row and just switch out the collar and cuffs so they looked clean. As someone who is wearing the same sweatshirt for the third day in a row, I support this method. (If you’re interested on more info about collars, here is a very enjoyable article about them.)
We are also blessed with a better look at Deanna’s sleeves and bodice:
Black lace cuffs? Decadent!!!
You can also see Geordi’s shades, which suit him really nicely. One thing I’ve been enjoying on this rewatch is just how well LeVar Burton can act without having his eyes visible. He’s great. Let’s just all think about how great LeVar Burton is for a second
And also Bev’s dress:
I legitimately want this dress
I don’t think those buttons are functional. Can you imagine how annoying THAT would be? But I am absolutely in love with this dress. Two paisleys, Beverly???? A goddess. I’m also dying for that brooch with the chain. A+ look all around, great work.
Finally, FINALLY, Guinan meets the rest of the crew:
When you meet someone you won’t actually know for 500 years
She is wearing a hat that looks like a toilet paper cozy. Did your grandma have one of these? They’re so stupid and I love them so much.
Picard and Guinan meet for what is the first time for her, but not the first time for him, and honestly it is…sensual?????
If I got a m’lady from P. Stew I wouldn’t even mind
Patrick and Whoopi truly do some nice work in this ep. But we are here to yell about clothes, so: LOOK AT THIS DRESS ON AN EXTRA:
Gimme dat dress
I just want that dress to wear around my house. I legitimately bought an 18th century costume dress to do just that, so don’t think I won’t literally do this.
OKAY, WE ARE ALMOST TO THE END.
The crew, plus Guinan, go back to the cave where this all started:
Cave Club, the only club that meets in a cave
We get a nice look at the bodice of Guinan’s dress here and guess what: MORE BUTTONS. Buttons on the lapels, and also buttons on the front panel with the pointy top. I wonder if she has multiple front panels for that dress in different colors, like a Swatch watch.
Unbeknownst to them, Mark Twain followed them!! Then there’s a scuffle with the energy-stealing aliens during which a few things happen:
Data’s head flies off
Mark Twain gets sucked into the temporal disturbance
Guinan gets hurt
Picard stays behind to make sure Guinan is okay
So we end up with Mark Twain on the Enterprise, where he sees Worf, and he’s like:
Buh-WHAT
Worf is also confused:
This is…extremely perplexing
We have a few more looks back on the Enterprise, including Regular Guinan:
ShoulderSpreads™: The Bed Spread for Your Shoulders
I love love LOVE this outfit. The color is perfect, the shoulderspreads are perfect, the front draping is perfect. It looks like a velvet housedress from the 1960s except FANCY which is kind of my ideal aesthetic. And it’s red (my fave).
We get a quick glimpse at the barber uniform:
Bitch let me pass, idc if you wrote Huck Finn
This barber does. not. give. a. fuck!!!!
Geordi reattaches Data’s head, the one they already had, which means this whole thing was a ding dang closed loop. The reattachment also kind of diminishes the whole conversation they had earlier about how Data’s head in the cave meant that Data could die someday, because…he didn’t. He still might, but his head is back and he’s fine now.
Meanwhile, Picard is still back in 1893 and they have to go get him, but only one person can come back through the temporal disturbance, so Mark Twain is like “duh I’ll go get him.”
And finally Guinan and Picard can talk about how their friendship spans 500 years!!!!
If anyone has $600-$800 (the estimated selling price) and is looking for some costumes from the season 1 episode “When the Bough Breaks” (that’s the one where some people steal some children from the Enterprise) - here they are!! There are also a shit-ton of items from TOS, including MANY cafans and jumpsuits and some original William Ware Theiss drawings!! Here are a few of my faves.
Also the last time I watched this episode I did not realize THAT IS JERRY HARDIN AKA Deep Throat from The X-Files AKA Melora Hardin’s dad!!!!
Charlie’s in Amsterdam, and I’m in my home office where the ceiling just started leaking. LET’S DO THIS.
This episode opens with a probe:
Don’t bother with the undercarriage wash, it’s a ripoff
Who’s calling? Why, a Ferengi in a Ferengi-ass outfit:
I’m a ghooooooost Ferengiiiiii
A classic look. We got high pants and a crop top. We got that big doorknocker chest adornment. We got fabric that doesn’t quite drape the way I want it to. It’s Ferengi Fashion™, and it’s so now.
The Ferengi, Bok, who tried to kill Picard at one point, says that since Picard killed HIS son, he’s going to kill Picard’s son. Picard, and everyone else, are like:
I feel like I’d remember if I had a son
Turns out there is a guy out there who could theoretically be Picard’s son. His name is Jason Vigo, he’s 23 years old, and his mom was a gal Picard had a short relationship 24 years ago. What you do say to THAT, Jean-Luc?
The face of a man who just did that math
Riker is the crew member who gets to hear the exposition about Picard’s potential son, an obvious choice since he probably has countless half-alien children scattered across every quadrant.
The face of a man who just did THAT math
The Enterprise crew head to the planet where they suspect Jason is, and he’s rock-climbing somewhere with seismic activity, so they just beam him aboard without his permission. This seems…illegal? Can they do that? That sounds like kidnapping?
I was just in the middle of a belay!!! (Note: I don’t know anything about rock climbing)
Jason is understandably pissed that he was transported to a ship by some strangers.
Where am I? What is this? Why am I wearing Merrells?
At first glance I thought Jason’s climbing jumpsuit looked a bit like the dude from the season 3 episode “The Hunted,” but further research reveals they mostly just share some quilting and some visible dirt. Jason is giving us some President Bill Pullman hair with some built-in Michelin Man padding.
Gee, my hair looks terrific
So according to this jumpsuit, the places on your body that need the most padding are your elbows (yes), your shoulders (okay), but DEFINITELY NOT your sternum (sorry). In this jumpsuit’s defense, the sternum is a very strong bone, one of the best bones for sure, but it seems rude to be like “YOU’RE ON YOUR OWN, STERNUM” when it comes to rock climbing.
I do enjoy the rubber piping outlining the different pieces of this jumpsuit. It could be a real nice rock climbing-to-fetish-club look if it wasn’t this grey that’s somehow best described as “neon grey.”
Picard is like, “I have a son, and it’s you,” and Jason is like, “am I though?” And then they realize they can just check because it’s the future and also we can do that now too.
How did his hair get even more President Bill Pullman just walking to sickbay
When Dr. Beverly Crusher does her job, she commits to it 100%, even if all she’s doing is a DNA test to see if some rando is the son of her quasi-boyfriend.
The test comes back positive - Jason is indeed Picard’s son! There is some awkward attempted father-son bonding time in which Picard shows Jason a stick he got one time:
Have you seen a stick before, my boy? This is quite a fine example of a stick
Jason is like “I think you got ripped off when you bartered for this stick,” and Picard tries to tell him why the stick is important. (It’s a ceremonial stick.) Here’s my question: did Jason have his original climbing jumpsuit cleaned, or did he just throw it in the clothes recycler and have the replicator make him a new one? If it’s the latter, couldn’t he have done something about how eerily smooth his lower torso and crotch are? It’s unsettling to look at when he’s not in his climbing harness.
Meanwhile, the ship gets a message from a different Ferengi:
Not Armin Shimerman
This guy is calling from the Ferengi homeworld to let the Enterprise crew know that Bok is unstable (duh) and bought his way out of prison, which sounds like something only the Ferengi would do until you remember how the American justice system works and realize it’s something rich white people do here all the time.
His heavily-beshouldered jacket looks like it’s made of the same material I used to sew arm covers for my couch so my cat wouldn’t scratch it up. The print would probably be called Jungle Stripe or Festive Amazon if you saw it in a catalog. The catalog would obviously be Coldwater Creek.
Jason has also changed into something your dad’s friend who just won’t stop trying to get the band back together would wear:
It’s authentic faux rattlesnake
This vest is textured to a point where I think you could use it as a washboard in your Appalachian mountain band. It’s a gorgeous shade of red, a nice deep cherry that’s actually great with Jason’s coloring. Underneath, Jason wears a shirt whose shoulder seams prove that it’s approximately three sizes too big for him, AKA Welcome To Menswear In The Nineties. I’ve been watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer from the beginning recently and Xander and Oz have a complete inability to wear clothing that fits.
MORE VOLUME IN THE SLEEVES. NO, MORE
The back of the vest is a pretty terrible brown, and his pants are a dingy greybrown. This is less of an “ensemble” and more of a “I needed items to cover my shame and just told the replicator to surprise me.” But I do actually kind of love that vest.
We’ve got a fun guest star here for any fans of Caroline and the City:
The main thing I remember about this character is that she was in Cats.TOPICAL
Yes, this elfin haircut last seen in one of those giant books they have at the salon so you can decide on your hairstyle once you get there, like a MANIAC, is being sported by Amy Pietz, best known to me as Caroline’s neighbor and friend Annie. She and Constipated Shia LaBeouf have been assigned to guard Jason, and he’s being a real dick about it. But then, he gets the shakes!
I asked for fresh-squeezed and they gave me FROM CONCENTRATE? What kind of ship are you running here, DAD
It’s unclear what’s wrong with him, but it soon gets worse when he has a full seizure in his quarters:
It looks like he drank some orange juice from concentrate. This could be very bad
It turns out Jason is suffering from Forrester-Trent Syndrome, which is a rare neurological disease invented by the TNG writers. Crusher also decides to run a microcellular scan, which I’m only mentioning now because it’s important later. Jason goes to work his feelings out the only way he knows how: rock climbing.
Get lost!! You’ll never be my dad!!!!
If you think I won’t climb this cliff to prove I want to father you…
…then you know NOTHING of Jean-Luc Picard
Picard and Jason have a real nice heart-to-heart on this rock face while Jason wears stirrup pants. Then Crusher calls with some news. Before WE get to hear that news, though, Jason gets kidnapped by Bok:
Why do people just keep transporting me without my consent
Never transport someone unless they’re into it.
So now Bok has Jason, who’s back in his collarless vest:
Do you think you could make me a vest like that
However, it turns out that Jason isn’t Picard’s son after all! Bok RESEQUENCED JASON’S DNA, which a) WHAT and b) is what gave him the neurological disorder that made him have the seizures before. What a dick, right? The other Ferengi helping Bok realize they’ve been lied to and give Jason back to the Enterprise.
Jason decides to get his life together on his original planet, so he changes into his best look of the episode:
Category is: Disco Lumberjack
He’s giving me quilted silver. He’s giving me a rhombus belt. He’s giving me a periwinkle/green apple gingham. This is your look, Jason!! You found it!!
Tell me your blowdry secrets, Jason
Does the vest have a zipper or any fasteners at all? No. Does it matter? I don’t know the climate on Jason’s planet, so I can’t answer that. I’d certainly want a zipper on a vest that quilted. Even though this experience gave him a rare neurological disorder and jerked him around emotionally, he’s better for it, I guess?? And Picard gives him that stick from before as a memento:
I could have sworn we did this ep, like, a WHILE ago, but I think I was just remembering the cake from my childhood viewing of the series because that cake is not an image you get out of your head. You’ll see.
There’s not a ton of fashion in this episode, but there is some truly bananas shit. The episode opens with SPOOKY-ASS MUSIC and Data seeing what look like some miners busting a hole in the wall of the Enterprise:
When you have an emotional breakthrough but you realize you literally punched a hole in your wall
The miners or whatever are dressed in some mid-to-late 1800s looks, and have some truly incredible layering going on:
These outfits have everything: overalls, vests, vests over overalls, suspenders under overalls, neckerchiefs
I’m pretty sure that dude on the right is wearing overalls AND suspenders AND a belt?? Maybe it’s a tool belt, but like…the whole thing with overalls is that they go…over…all. I also enjoy the fedora as a work hat, because it does absolutely nothing to protect one’s head (but does give the wearer the belief that they look like Indiana Jones even though they don’t). Let’s also note that the middle guy is just straight-up wearing a flood lamp on his head.
The workers end up attacking Data and pulling off his head:
It’s not fair / to remind me / of the cross-eyed head that you gave to me / you, you, you / Data’s head
You can see here that Fedora Worker is wearing suspenders OVER his vest, which…that’s not how suspenders are MEANT to be worn, but if that’s how you want to roll, I’m not going to stop you. Layer everything. Wear a hat as a necklace. Fashion “rules” were established by a patriarchal society and are meant to keep us in our places and stifle our creativity and if wearing suspenders over a vest makes you feel revolutionary, YOU DO YOU.
After we see Data’s head get ripped off, though, it turns out it was all a dream:
I really wanted to see Data’s PJs, but this does make sense
Is Data taking a Mondrian-inspired painting class? That work next to his bed (which is where I keep all MY unfinished paintings) looks like it’s in progress rather than a part of his decor.
The main thrust of this episode is that Data is having weird dreams and that the Enterprise is installing a new warp core, so we spend a bit of time in Engineering, where we meet this adorable ensign:
When your hair needs to be pulled back for OSHA reasons but you’ve still got style
She’s real cute, has picked a GREAT lip color to complement her Engineering Mustard, and she has a major crush on Geordi. Literally nothing comes of the fact that she’s crushing on Geordi, so I think the writers just threw that detail in there to be nice.
Data is trying to figure out what’s up with his weird dreams, so he researches the best way he knows how:
Even on a spaceship, cats take up as much space as possible
Spot is having a nap, and Data is watching her sleep to see if he can figure anything out.
Streeeeetch
He doesn’t figure anything out, but I love Spot so it’s fine. Instead, he sees Troi for a quick therapy sesh and her season 7 hair is doing it up:
This hair goes to 11
They talk a little bit about dream interpretation, and then we get to see Data sleep some more.
THRILL as Data TAKES A NAP
This dream is where the bonkers cake shows up. This cake honestly doesn’t even look that good, but it still made me want some cake:
Cake to bridge: I’m delicious
Hmm, that’s odd. There’s a communicator badge on that cake. What could that possibly–
NOPE
One thing I will say for this cake is that it was made in a time before every fucking cake was, like, required by law to be covered in fucking fondant. FONDANT IS TRASH AND CAKES COVERED IN IT ARE ALSO TRASH. So on that level, I appreciate this cake for just having a sensible buttercream.
Other than that, this cake is a literal nightmare. In the dream, Data feels compelled to cut into Troi’s right shoulder with a serrated cake knife:
Delicious?
This will be important later. Also important: Worf says that the cake is “a cellular peptide cake…with mint frosting.” I don’t know about you guys, but I feel like mint is a weird choice for a cellular peptide cake. Maybe a cream cheese would have been better?
Oh, also in this dream, Crusher is sucking out Riker’s brains with a straw:
Curb_Your_Enthusiasm_Theme.mp3
This is probably a weird sex thing Riker would be into though. After this disturbing dream, Data decides to consult a dream expert:
Zis is ferry disturbink
Yes, that’s ol’ Siggy, the father of psychiatry and cocaine addict. Data visits him in the Holodeck. He’s wearing a pretty straightforward three-piece suit:
I think that cigar is just a cigar
The touch I like here is that shirt lapel. Look how long that thing is!! Old-timey as fuck.
After Data’s Freudian adventure, he’s helping Geordi fix something related to the warp core (which isn’t working at all) and he notices that this piece of the ship looks VERY similar to the cake knife:
I see you’ve played knifey-spooney before
Honestly, that thing looks so much like a weird Klingon knife that I feel like at some point Geordi asked Worf to fix something in the warp core and Worf accidentally broke something off and was like “oh shit” and just replaced it with a knife. That’s not very Worf-like, actually. A better story is that BARCLAY broke something accidentally and then stole the knife from Worf’s quarters and used it to MacGyver the engine. There. Better.
So Data thinks he’s awake, but then this happens:
Listen to your heart / when it’s calling for you
So that’s…weird.
It turns out Data’s dream program has gone pretty much haywire and he’s drifting into a dream state without realizing it and yadda yadda yadda, he stabs Troi in the shoulder…the right shoulder! From before!! When she was a cake!!!
Rude!!!!!
It’s not great that Troi got stabbed, BUT we do get a little extra fashion from her stay in sickbay:
Fashion Johnny
I’m kind of feeling this horizontal knit corduroy situation here. What I’m wondering is - how does that shoulder seam reattach? I don’t see snaps or buttons or velcro, so I’m forced to conclude that it is a magnet. I’m in the middle of making a shirt and I’m wondering if I could use magnets instead of buttons. ONLY ONE WAY TO FIND OUT.
Data is worried that he will hurt Spot (aww) because of his dream hallucinations, so he asks Worf to cat-sit, leading to this delightful image:
“I will feed him.”
Let’s just see that from another angle, because it’s delightful.
He is a good cat and a pretty cat
Side note: @Spiggitzfan on Twitter made this adorable Data + Spot and then OMG THIS ACTUAL BABY KITTEN SAT ON IT AND I DIED.
At this point, Beverly figures out that the thing causing the issues on the ship are these interphasic creatures who eat cellular peptide (that’s what the dream cake was made out of!!!!), and you can only see them with this special light:
Later they shined this light in Riker’s quarters and it was like a Jackson Pollock piece
To fix the issue, the crew hooks Data’s brain up to the Holodeck so they can go into his dream. Sure. They see CakeTroi again:
How does her hair look so good even when she is a cake
I bet that black frosting was hard to create. Actually, that blue is so dark I bet that was tough, too. Let’s give it up for the art department.
Geordi and Picard tool around in Data’s dream for a while, and those miners from before come back:
Miner Catastrophe, the new line from Zara Man
I didn’t even notice that one guy’s mustard pants earlier. That is a bold pant choice that I respect.
Somehow the “going into Data’s dream” plan fixes everything, and all is back to normal. Spot is being a regular cat:
Cat toy technology has not changed
And Troi brings Data a cake of himself as a joke:
Black and mustard, the two most delicious-looking frosting colors
All my fellow Julian Bashir fanpeople are wonderful and sexy and I love every single one of you more than I can say and each and everyone of your headcanons and theories and opinions is wonderful and right except for everyone who thinks the season 6/7 black & grey uniforms were better than the division colored shoulders. This is my weird passionate hill and I’m ready to die on it
Absolutely 100% this is specifically about Julian the later uniforms really work on some of the cast especially the bigger guys, they look excellent on Worf and Sisko and okay on Miles but just odd and wrong on Julian. And the funny thing is it probably would have looked okay if it had been tailored to actually fit him but instead they went even harder with the shoulderpads and general fake buff up and it’s just. yeah.
cause I remind you. that Sid is actually built like this
and the later revisions (and in my opinion best looking versions) of the original uniform look like this
meanwhile the grey one looks like, uh
yeah. you can see how much MORE fake bulk they added especially in the shoulders. Also when he moves or sits down you can see the collar and shoulders behaving super awkwardly and sometimes even standing off his body because they’re just *so* bulky and ill fitting.
Meanwhile, in the same scene:
This looks fine on this lady! Now to be clear I just don’t super like these uniforms overall as I find them a little bit too bland, but on the people they were tailored correctly for, they’re fine. The absolute biggest issue here is that they took the (already very much extant and already very much a problem) fake muscles “make him look hunkier” situation from the first uniform and turned it up to 11.
and also I don’t like these uniforms. at all. Too boring. Not enough division colors. And Sciences Blue My Beloved is turned into some weird unpleasant green color with these. Funny enough of course one of the best looks Julian ever had
is just the undershirt. Yes he very much has still got the fake pecs but at least there are not sofa cushions attached to his shoulders. It will never stop being amazing and slightly funny to me the way the paramount seemed completely unaware that women generally actually do very much like lean slender dudes and they thought they had to wrap Sid in soooo much padding to make him seem sufficiently sexy or whatever.
