#starcchild
@thiscrimsonsoul - continued from here
Carter listened in silence - staring down at her hands before she lifted her gaze back up to the stars, her throat tightening almost painfully. She was still struggling to get used to the fact the others spoke kindly. Spoke softly and earnestly, even to her. And to actually have such a question be answered with such open honestly instead of being dismissed or mocked felt… surreal. Left her waiting for a catch that she understood, logically, was never going to come. And there was a part of her that still couldn’t accept that Wanda actually saw her as a friend, and she struggled to accept that this was how it was supposed to be–
“I…” She swallowed thickly, still unable to turn to Wanda, and let out a heavy sigh as she dropped her gaze again. Her skin prickled uncomfortably, the reactor weighing heavily in her chest, and she resisted the urge to rub at it. “I- I don’t… I- I just… can’t help- help but wonder if- if…” Carter floundered, struggling to get herself to speak her mind - to continue displaying the vulnerability that felt wrong to reveal. Something that she tried to protect and keep hidden from everyone around her. “If- if it would’ve- would’ve helped. To- to have something to believe- believe in that was- was… good. What- what I- I had been… been told meant…” She cleared her throat awkwardly - absentmindedly tugging at her bracelet as she looked away. Maybeshe was saying too much. Maybe she should’ve just stayed quiet. “It’s… Nothing. It’s- it’s nothing.”
Wanda stopped talking when her friend interrupted her, not just because of what she was saying, but because of what she was not saying as well. Wanda knew the telltale signs of anxiety and panic because she felt them too, on a daily basis. Falling silent, she watched Carter from whatever angle she permitted, letting her turn away if she needed to. “It’s okay…” she said, but not as the typical placating thing people said to get people with anxiety to stop behaviors that were making them uncomfortable. No, when Wanda said it, she meant it differently. “It’s okay to feel upset and scared. Everyone does. It’s nothing to be ashamed of.”
As Carter’s panic really set in, Wanda slowly came to stand by her friend, placing her hands on the railing too. She didn’t know if Carter was okay with being touched, and she was in no condition to really be asked that question, so Wanda simply let the pinky finger of one of her hands touch that of Carter’s on the railing, letting her know she was there without being too intrusive if that wasn’t welcome. “Better than what?” Wanda asked. “There’s no shame in what you’re feeling, Carter. Lately I have had panic attacks almost every day. You aren’t alone. A lot has happened in our lives. We’re bound to have moments where we feel overwhelmed. There’s no shame in that.”
Wanda really had no idea that Carter was bottling up quite this much volatile emotion. It wasn’t healthy to do. How many times over the years had she told Pietro not to do this very same thing because… well because thiswas what resulted? How long and over how many troubling things had Carter been bottling up all her unwanted emotions? It made Wanda sad that Carter thought she needed to do this to herself, or even worse, that she couldn’t help doing it to herself. Whatever the cause or the reason, Wanda felt incredibly empathetic towards her.
“Don’t apologize,” she said, shaking her head. “I’m not going anywhere, don’t worry.” Wanda fell silent then, just standing nearby, letting Carter tell her what she needed, or not, as she wanted to. If all she needed was for someone to be there in silence with her, Wanda could do that for her. It was strange how much Carter’s panic didn’t bother her. Well, it did bother her in that she felt badly or her friend, but Wanda just couldn’t feel awkward and weird around someone when they were hurting like this. Maybe it was because she was so used to caring for Pietro when it happened to him, or because she was so familiar with how this felt herself, but it didn’t bother her. She wasn’t about to change the subject or try to leave. Carter needed to feel this, to work through it, and Wanda wanted to be there to help her do that.
@thiscrimsonsoul - continued from here
Carter listened in silence - staring down at her hands before she lifted her gaze back up to the stars, her throat tightening almost painfully. She was still struggling to get used to the fact the others spoke kindly. Spoke softly and earnestly, even to her. And to actually have such a question be answered with such open honestly instead of being dismissed or mocked felt… surreal. Left her waiting for a catch that she understood, logically, was never going to come. And there was a part of her that still couldn’t accept that Wanda actually saw her as a friend, and she struggled to accept that this was how it was supposed to be–
“I…” She swallowed thickly, still unable to turn to Wanda, and let out a heavy sigh as she dropped her gaze again. Her skin prickled uncomfortably, the reactor weighing heavily in her chest, and she resisted the urge to rub at it. “I- I don’t… I- I just… can’t help- help but wonder if- if…” Carter floundered, struggling to get herself to speak her mind - to continue displaying the vulnerability that felt wrong to reveal. Something that she tried to protect and keep hidden from everyone around her. “If- if it would’ve- would’ve helped. To- to have something to believe- believe in that was- was… good. What- what I- I had been… been told meant…” She cleared her throat awkwardly - absentmindedly tugging at her bracelet as she looked away. Maybeshe was saying too much. Maybe she should’ve just stayed quiet. “It’s… Nothing. It’s- it’s nothing.”
Wanda took her hand away and took a step back when she saw Carter startle and recoil from her, thinking that maybe she needed a bit more personal space. As Carter began frantically apologizing again, Wanda just kept talking to her in a steady voice, offering words of calm and comfort. “It’s okay. There’s no need to apologize. There’s nothing wrong with this, Carter, you’re just letting yourself feel. Sometimes you have to let yourself feelthings… even the badthings.”
Carter’s answer to her question had been surprising. Better than this? In her eyes, Carter was an amazing person who had accomplished so much, but as she was seeing now, it may have been at the cost of her mental well-being. “It’s okay,” Wanda repeated. “I’m not disappointed in you. I’m not upset with who you are, Carter. I think you have a lot to be proud of. But I also know the weight of some of the things you’ve done and had to go through can take its toll.” Gods, was she talking to Carter or herself? Her own words really hit home with herself. “You have a lot put on your shoulders every day. People expect a lot from you. I understand how difficult that can be. I also understand how easy it can be to not live up to your ownstandards, let along theirs. But you can take it one step at a time… and I’ll be here to help you…”
But no, Carter was lost in her own head. Wanda’s words weren’t even reaching her. As she sank to the floor, pulled her legs in, and sobbed, Wanda knelt in front of her, gently rubbing one of her legs. “Breathe, Carter… I need you to try and breathe. Slower and more regularly. In and out. I know it hurts, and I know you’re feeling so much right now, but you need to breathe…” She stayed with her, rubbing and speaking calmly, until she finally saw her friend come back to her. When she started to push her away, saying everyone leaves and therefore so should she, Wanda shook her head. “Well, I’m not everyone, and I’m not going anywhere. Okay?” she said firmly.
Carter was spiraling yet again, now blaming herself for Pietro’s death and Sokovia’s destruction, and Wanda kept shaking her head. “No. It’s notyour fault. You did your best. Everyone did their best. I don’t want you to be dead in his place. I want you right here.” Wanda said with conviction as she took one of Carter’s hands and held it in both of hers. Consistency was important because Carter’s focus was tenuous at best, so Wanda kept repeating herself, trying to get Carter to look at her and listen to her words. “No, I’m not better off without you. You’re my friend. This is a rough patch right now. They happen to me all the time, so I understand what you’re feeling. But we can get through it together.” Wanda nodded and smiled, hoping that something was finally beginning to get through to her distraught friend.
What Have I Become? | closed reply
@thiscrimsonsoul - continued from here
Carter was trying to get better at managing how much time she spent on coursework. She was. But she had been up far too late studying, again, that she ended up falling asleep on the couch, again, with her laptop resting precariously on her lap as she slumped against the armrest with her head resting on the back cushion, and Kenobi curled up at her feet.
And it wasn’t until a loud andpersistent pounding on the door did both of them wake.
With a startled grunt, Carter jolted upright as Kenobi leapt off the couch and started to bark - her heart skipping a beat before hammering in her chest. What the hell–? Was she–?
No, she was definitely not dreaming. The pounding continued even as Kenobi stopped - his hackles raised as he stared at it. And with a groan, she pushed her laptop onto the seat next to her and heaved herself to her feet before she rubbed her eyes roughly to try and clear what cobwebs of sleep remained. “Al-alright!” she shouted - her voice hoarse and raspy from lack of use. “Alright! I- I hear y-you!” Good god, didn’t they know it was…?” She glanced blearily at the block on the microwave in the kitchen, and groaned.
It was almost four in the morning. Of course it was.
She stumbled toward the front door with Kenobi on her heels, and fumbled for the lock before she yanked it open.
“Look, I got the–” Carter began, but cut herself off - her eyes widening when she saw who it was. “Wanda? But–”
But, before she could finish, Wanda flung her arms around her, and began to sob. Practically hysterical as she begged for help.
Carter staggered, but quickly hugged her back as tight as she could without hurting her. Holding her close as she pulled her inside and shut the door behind them - a million questions running through her mind. “I’m- I’m here,” she whispered, feeling her heart break as the woman shook against her. “I’m- I’m right he-here, Wanda. I’ve- I’ve got you, al-alright? I’ll- I’ll do what-whatever I- I can to help you, bu-but I- I need you to- to focus on m-me.”
Her questions could wait. Her friend was back andneeded help.Thatwas more important.
“You’re- you’re safe, I- I promise, Wanda. You’re- you’re safe he-here.”
Wanda realized as she explained that Carter probably had no idea what she was talking about. Did she watch the news? Had there been anything about the Westview Anomaly or the Hex on any news programs Carter would have seen? If not, then none of this would make any sense to her. “Look… Look, I have… um…” Wanda said, pushing her hair behind her ears and sniffing as she reached into her pocket. “I keep their picture. It’s of all of us… back when… everything was wonderful…” she said, unfolding a photograph of her beautiful family as it had been before she’d been forced to unmake them all. It was all she had left of them now. She smiled through her tears. “See? Those are my boys. Aren’t they perfect?” It hurt to look at them, though…
Carter’s reaction to her removing the illusion magic that was making her appear normal caused Wanda to pull back a bit too. “I’m sorry…” she apologized right away, feeling that she’d frightened her friend. “I wouldn’t hurt you…” she said, hoping Carter would believe her well enough. She had to try and believe that herself, too. Maybe she was less than one hundred percent on it, on not hurting anyone she cared about. Wasn’t that why she was so upset and scared herself? Wasn’t that why she was reaching out for help, because she was afraid she was becoming someone who mighthurt innocent people? “Please don’t be afraid of me…” Wanda whispered.
Wanda recoiled even more when the dog seemed to finally sense what she was afraid of, that darkness she could feel permeating her, put there by the Darkhold. As the animal growled at her, Wanda put out her hands as if to calm him. “No, no…! I’m sorry…! It’s okay…!” she said, feeling horrible for triggering the animal’s protective instincts and afraid that this would cause Carter to throw her out of her home. But as she apologized, the dog seemed to actually understand her? Wanda just froze, not wanting to ruin the moment if the animal was starting to feel that she was actually acceptable after all. When the dog left, Wanda wondered what that meant. Maybe it was better that he wasn’t around to be bothered by her for the time being. Hearing that she wasn’t the first and only person he had reacted to that way made her feel a little bit better, but she continued to apologize to Carter, nonetheless.
She was about to refute what Carter was saying, that time travel wouldn’t help her because she couldn’t go back to enslaving Westview, and that there was no other way to get her boys back because they no longer existed in this world… only in others. However, the revelation of Carter bring pregnant derailed Wanda’s desire to talk this through anymore. She’spregnant. She has a child to care for. She has her health to worry about. What am I doing here? How could I be so selfish?!Wanda blinked several times, feeling like the worst person in the world for bringing all of this down onto her friend who was in a very delicate way.
But her friend - her dear, sweet, considerate friend - was still going on about making her tea, letting her talk about her problems, letting her stay for as long as she wanted, and even… letting her sleep in her master bedroom… Wanda suddenly stood from the couch and backed away. “No, I-I shouldn’t have-… I… You’ve… got a lot… to handle… and I’m… I should never have put this all on you when you’re pregnant and I’m… I’m so selfish!” She started to cry again, just feeling absolutely low for doing this to her friend. “I’ll just go, I’m sorry, I… I have to deal with this myself, I shouldn’t bring it to you like this…” The last thing she wanted to do was go back to her cabin and be alone, but Wanda also didn’t feel like she deserved Carter’s comfort when she already had a lot on her plate. “Congratulations…” she whispered, turning to go.
