#the men on kik almost always bother me somehow
After I wrote the last post, I was agitated and horny from my dash (lol complicated feminist feels), so I decided I might as well try to get off. Now, the goal there was definitely to help me fall asleep. I’d fallen asleep on my floor around 11 or midnight, and woke up around 2:30am, and proceeded to be super productive. But it was 6ish before I attempted to go back to bed, and I just really wanted to try to have an orgasm and get an hour or two more sleep.
I opened up Chat Now on kik, hoping I’d be able to message someone on there, not a man I actually know. I got myself close with my reliable bullet, thinking about getting pissed on and verbally degraded, and then flipped a coin. Luckily, it was heads and then tails (once I saw the first heads, I knew I’d be able to go on kik, but MLAM’s instructions were to flip it twice, so I did.). I opened up kik and found two people to respond to. I explained to each of them that I need to ask a man for permission to cum, and that I send nudes as thanks. I was unlucky.
One of them said “Ill give you permission later….. but i think imma have fun with you first” and the other said, “I will give you permission, but not yet (; I like to edge you.. Make you really want it” and when I told him I was edging it, asked me “What’s your naughtiest fantasy?” and ” Do you like to be called dirty names?”
At that point, I was losing the progress I’d made towards getting off. I need to focus to get there, especially if I’m tired. I wouldn’t have been able to stay anywhere close to cumming if I’d been using my hands, which is something I want to do more, just to switch it up. I’m not sure if keeping myself close while I talk to these men is a necessary part of it, but if so, that may not be very possible.
I was ready to give up, so I told the one who said he wanted to have fun with me first, “I’m looking to get off so I can go to sleep. I don’t have time to do anything extended, and I’m on the edge.” and said to the one who was asking questions, “Sigh. Forget it.” I won’t deny that I hoped one would take pity and give me permission/would give me permission so they would get nudes, but I was also prepared to just stop. Ordinarily in would have played a along with the for a little while, but I wanted to get some more sleep.
The question asked told me “cum!” and before I saw it, I said “I’m exhausted and just wanted to get off and go to sleep. :(” He continued, “cum. You can cum. Cum hard” which did kind of bug me, maybe because of his assumption that I’d cum right at his command, like I’d been so close despite him, a stranger, saying he wanted to edge me and asking me questions, like everyone can just cum at the drop of a hat so damn easily. Well, I sent him a photobomb nude and then went to work finishing myself off. I came, thinking about being made to kneel in a bathtub, get myself close to orgasm, being verbally degraded and humiliated and pissed on and then being allowed to cum only when I opened my mouth to be pissed into. (Please don’t do this to me. Don’t throw me in the briar patch!)
I’m not sure about how this went. On the one hand, I don’t think it was necessarily wrong of me to tell those men that I had limited time and wouldn’t be willing to play with them, since even if my pleasure is only at the permission of men, I still have real-world confines to take into consideration, like needing more sleep. On the other hand, I didn’t give them what they wanted, and I acted like my orgasm was about me and what I got from it, even if that was just help sleeping. That’s not true. My orgasms are only available to me because men allow them, because they get some enjoyment from doing that.
Also, I didn’t really feel like a toy or like they were superior to me. I have a hard time getting that with random dudes. I probably should do a better job of putting those interactions in the context MLAM has constructed, but I’m still going to have a hard time.
(Playing with orgasms is on the edge for me because I didn’t have one until freshman year of undergrad (I also didn’t masturbate until, and used to have a hard time getting off (thanks SSRIs). Now I can get off consistently, with the right stimulation, but things like actual orgasm denial or being forbidden to get myself off hold no interest for me. It’s not a challenge to not get off from someone stimulating me, and masturbation is important to me as a sleep aide, and to explore fantasies.)
