Moist has been replying to all the scam messages he gets with honest and enthusiastic critique of their grifting skills, and also an offer of a job in either the Post Office, the Bank, or The Railway.
The constant background magic radiation on the Disc means that all the pornbots are absolutely sentient. Adora Belle and the golems have been helpfully messaging them, offering support and suggestions that there might just be more to life that H0T S1NGLES N3AR YOU.
Vetinari has a Facebook, where he mainly shares pictures of dogs and Boomer Humour level memes about office life. Nevertheless, his follower count is roughly equal to the city population. Nobody wants to find out what happens if you unfollowVetinari.
(He also has an anonymous Twitter account where he posts various criticisms of the city government, just to see who retweets them, and gets into absolutely vicious arguments with the compiler of The Times crossword puzzle.)
Nobby’s Only Fans is full of him giving surprisingly wholesome advice, having missed the entire point of the platform.
Similarly, the Seamstress’ Guild is making more ad revenue from their sock-darning tutorials than their “sock-darning tutorials”.
Surprisingly, it wasn’t the Unseen University’s fault that this all got out of hand. Turns out, someone at the Assassin’s Guild got the bright idea of character assassination.
the crows are so much funnier than the fandom give them credit for
here are just SOME of the funniest moments throughout the books
“….you can find your way to Ravka or Matthias’ grandmother’s house for all i care” “leave my grandmother out of this”
obviously the ghost scene
pay someone to pay someone to pay someone to
“you speak Fjerdan about as well as i speak moose” “moose is probably your native tongue”
‘Had they blown up the lab? Kaz had definitely NOT told them to blow up the lab’
The deadpan ‘He had not been shot’
Kaz trying to justify his decision if bringing Wylan along to the rest of the crows: “ i told you, ✨hidden depths✨” “see Jesper, ✨marketable skillz✨”
‘“You all look so young, where are your parents?” Wylan and Jesper burst out laughing’
“This many people having fun in one place might have shocked the Fjerdan right out of you”
“I.Should.Let.You.Die”
Nina trying to bring Kaz back: “The Ice Court, remember? 3 million kruge?” Kaz’s eyes cleared. “4million”
“You couldn’t look guiltier if you were performing the role of Thief #3 in a penny play on East Stave”
“Who wants to buy i coat in the dead on night?” “Tourists”
“Tiny and Ferocious, just like you”
“Unless you have a unicorn for him to ride away on, there is no scenario that guarantees Kuwei’s safety”
‘They could fake a pregnancy. They couldn’t fake an actual birth. Or maybe they could, he wouldn’t put anything past Kaz at this point”
“He has a very soothing baritone”
‘“I’d prefer a pair of sable-lined swimming trunks, but we can’t always get what we want” A furrow appeared between Kuwei’s brows. His understanding of Kerch had apparently been reached and surpassed’
The Wyvil
Matthias thinking they should just let Nina and Jesper flirt the entirety of Ketterdam into submission
That MASTERPIECE of a scene where Jesper and Kaz have a random petty fistfight, and all the other crows literally move out of the way, and then when Wylan tries to get someone to stop them they just shrug and go ‘I mean they aren’t using their weapons let them fight it out’ and THEN Colm coming him and scolding them and both of them IMMEDIATELY stopping
“Whatever you say, Llewelyn”
Nina’s singing
Wylan and Kaz falling through the ceiling onto Van Eck’s dinner party will ALWAYS be iconic
Kaz’s chapters in general are absolutely HILARIOUS, but my personal favorite is when he’s depending on Matthias Not Betraying them, and he thinks something like this:
‘Either he was right and Matthias’ feeling for Nina would prove enough, or Kaz was about to pay for all those talking tree jokes’
The talking tree jokes in question
The initiation ceremony where the tree teaches you the secret handshake
‘His first thought was that this boy had the most beautiful lips he’d ever seen, and his second was that he was probably about to die’ Wylan honey we’ve got to talk about your priorities
“Is it that bad?” “No, you just have really ugly feet”
That scene at the start of Six of Crows where Van Eck has Kaz tied to a chair and is explaining what he needs, and then is explaining why he needs Kaz specifically, talking about how his De Kappel painting was stolen which is a really impressive feat, while Kaz is vehemently denying that he had anything to do with it although it was obviously him
Wylan being passive aggressive while Jesper is trailing after him trying to apologize for the Kuwei thing
“Can’t we just enter as performers? I hear Wylan really kills it on the flute”
Inej getting Nina’s cookie jar after she gets back and Jesper being offended that he didn’t get to take some
Nina making fun of Kaz’s haircut
“Is my tie straight?”
That’s all I can think of for now, i’m sure there’s more so if you think of something feel free to add on
