#this is really all over the place sorry

some thoughts:

i’ve had terrible anxiety about talking to anyone on the internet for as long as i can remember, but i always told myself it didn’t really matter as long as i could just post art and make people happy… and i am glad i can do that. i love going through the tags and seeing how excited people get when they see my art, and i’ve gotten so many thoughtful messages i revisit from time to time. i don’t want to undersell how much i appreciate all of that.

i think part of why i draw is that i’m really bad at putting my thoughts into words… i’ve never had a lot of people i could talk to about fandom stuff so it’s like if i can’t draw it out those feelings and thoughts don’t actually exist. i’ve done a lot of lurking in fandom spaces over the years in the hopes that someday i’d feel more okay with just talking and being myself, but i think those feelings just worsened over time.

i don’t want to say i’m lonely because i do have rl friends and a supportive partner.. it’s just this empty feeling that comes back from time to time since i’ve made this account. at this point i’ve spent so much time in my own head i don’t even know if i’m capable of making friends with people online, so i’m trying to just make peace with what i’m comfortable with. i hope someday it will be enough that i can be happy just making other people happy.