a/n: yall i sobbed while writing this (i never cry) so enjoy!!
tw: drinking
inspired by 21 — gracie abrams
It was simple, but it was them. They laid in bed while they listen to the chaos outside. It was soft, light, comforting skin-to-skin contact. Thomas’ arm around your waist, his forehead on your shoulder, occasionally pressing kisses against it. His hair tickling your neck, your warm body pressed against his.
“I feel like I’m on fire,” Thomas mumbles.
Your eyes flutter open at his words, you turn around and face him. “What?” You ask confused.
He softly looks at you, his gaze examining your every feature, looking at you like you’re a goddess from another planet. “Touching you makes me feel like I’m on fire,” He repeats.
You don’t say anything, you don’t know what to say. You simply look back at him, your hand caressing his cheek.
“What’s your favorite thing in the entire world?” He asks.
You look back at him, “Why?” You giggle softly at his random question.
He shrugs, “Just want to talk,” He whispers.
You smile, your fingers coiling around his baby curls. “I don’t know,” You answer. There were an infinite amount of things in this world, you couldn’t choose your favorite, and that would be impossible.
Thomas hummed at your answer, he knew his answer. It was you. No hesitation, no thinking needed, he could live with you for the rest of his life. Just like this—in bed, nothing bothering them, the sun quietly creeping into their room. It was perfect, and that was his favorite thing in the world. You. You were the love of his life.
You watch his face, his expression as he zones out on your face. It was pure awe like you hung the stars yourself like it was you who created life and everything perfect in the world. It made you bite your tongue—the way he looked at you, it was so much awe.
“What’s your favorite thing in the entire world?” You ask back.
He looked at you with all of that awe and lied, “I don’t know either,” He shrugged.
And it was silent for a while. Thomas thought about how much he loved you, how every single thing you did was lovable, and how you were the perfect person for you.
You were thinking about how black and white the world was, how time moves and you sit there blurry-eyed. You thought about how much Thomas meant to you, how much you missed him, how you wish it could work.
Brendan and Matty came stumbling into your room, resuming everything back to normal. The three boys bickering about something, not noticing how quiet you were.
You couldn’t stay forever. You thought he would see it coming, but he never did.
_____
Your phone rings, at the same time every night, every day. You watch it ring. You laying in your bed, your phone ringing. The newfound dark and depressing atmosphere of your room. The quiet of nothing—no feelings, no emotions, no thoughts, no happiness. You numbly lay there and watch the call go through. The tears in your eyes after every night remind you that you’re a real human, and you can feel still.
After a couple of minutes of staring at your phone, you pick it up. You press the voicemail box and listen to what he said.
“Hey,” He sighs, the stress and emotion evident in his voice. “It’s me again. Calling again,” It was silent for a second as he held his breath. He felt the tears collecting again, and he didn’t want you to hear it, so he didn’t talk. “Y/N, please,” He whispered desperately, his voice being overcome with emotion. “Why are you doing this? Why? Was I not enough for you? Did I not treat you right?” He sniffled, after 2 weeks of calling you every night, he said the same thing every time. He told you about his day, he doubted what went wrong, he tried to make up excuses for your feelings, he bargained for something, anything.
He shakily sighed, “I’m in San Jose now, the guys have been welcoming to me. It’s weird not seeing you or the guys every day. I don’t really like it, but people grow up I guess.” He shrugged, picking at the bottom of the workout shorts he was wearing. “I just want my old life back,” He cried. “I want you back.”
You shut off your phone, staring at the wall in front of you. The calm before the storm. You slid your hands to cover your face as your body violently shook. Tears flow out of your eyes. Thomas’ broken voice repeats in your head, reminding you what you did, what you did to yourself. What you made him go through, you wished he blamed you instead of himself. You wished he hated you, to make things easier. To ensure that you did the right thing because he doesn’t actually love you. You’ll be the love of his life in his head, and that’s what you believed. It couldn’t be real, nobody could actually love you as he said.
And every night you went to sleep with dreams plagued with him. Your night terrorized with memories of him—beautiful, beautiful, loving memories that made you want to tear your heart out because it wasn’t real. And it would never be real again. You stayed awake some nights, you couldn’t sleep without replaying you breaking his heart. And you deserved it all.
____
It’s been three months since you guys broke up. He didn’t call you anymore, you couldn’t tell if it was good or bad. You didn’t have to break your heart every night by listening to him. But now you had nothing from him anymore. No connections or ties that you could pull on to bring him back. Not that you thought he would come back. Now if you spent the night crying it was your own fault, not his. You couldn’t scapegoat him anymore, you were your own destructor now.
You noticed a difference now. He wasn’t there to bring you coffee at the library anymore, you didn’t have a study buddy, and there was nobody to bother you in class anymore. You sat in class and stared at the place that Thomas would be, you stared at the right side of your bed that he always slept on. It wasn’t the same and you didn’t it ever could be.
None of the hockey boys came up and talked to you anymore. The ones still left at the campus just looked at you. Some of them glared at you, some of them saw how you were doing just as bad and left you be. It was so lonely, you and Thomas dated for 2 years. You didn’t really have friends outside of him, he was your first friend at Umich so you didn’t have anybody else.
Jade didn’t text you anymore, you were stupid if you thought she was, but she was like your own little sister and her disappearance was noticeable.
You met a group of girls at the local coffee shop and you started to hang out with them. It was dull, you missed the chaos. You missed jumping onto Briss’ back, you missed Matty yelling at you to get down, you missed Turcs trying to jump on Tommy’s back but enormously failing. You often zoned out thinking of those times. Time went by as you sat there blurry-eyed and numb.
You just stared at things now, you could barely go anywhere because it reminded you of Thomas. The class you met in, the coffee shop where you met most of the time, the sidewalk he would walk you home on, you could barely look at your phone anymore. Your entire social media was filled with his friends, seeing him smiling and playing hockey in San Jose, seeing him hang out with people that you had no clue who they were. Your lock screen was plain white because it didn’t feel right to have him after you broke his heart.
You couldn’t go three minutes without looking at something on campus and thinking of him. Every place had heart-crushingly beautiful memories with him. Even you’re family asked how he was, when you told them that you broke up with him, they didn’t ask how you were feeling. They asked: Why? Why would you break up with him? He was perfect, you’re so stupid. They were right because now the past colorful world turned into a harsh reality of black and white.
_____
You sat in your room, biting your knuckles as you stared at his open contact. He doesn’t want to hear from you. It was his night, you didn’t need to ruin it. You didn’t want to ruin it for everybody. Everybody went to San Jose for Thomas’ 21st birthday, he didn’t need a call from you ruining the mood.
You shut your eyes painfully at your thoughts. He’s out having fun don’t call him. A call from you would ruin his night. He’s moved on from you, he probably has somebody else in his life. He’s found somebody better than you, somebody that will make him happy and appreciate him. That’s not you, you won’t be the one taking pictures with him anymore, you wouldn’t be the one to celebrate with him anymore, he doesn’t want to hear from you again.
You slid down your dorm room and cried in a ball in the corner. It was all true. You would miss his 21st birthday. He was moved on without you. He doesn’t want you anymore. He’s happy without you, probably even happier.
You imagine him getting shitfaced with all of the guys who are already legal. He’s happy, he has all of his friends back, and it’s been a good season for him at SJ. He’s happy.
And that was true. He’s been happily sitting with all of his friends—his Umich ones and the ones he’s made on the Sharks team. They went to a club and partied. They’ve all had a little bit too much to drink. Thomas was drunkenly belting out every song they played. He was so happy to have a slim glimpse of his past. But the one noticeable difference to him was nobody was by his side. He couldn’t look to his right and see you smiling at him. He couldn’t drunkenly belt out a song with you. That was never happening again.
_____
“Hey Y/N,” Audrey softly greets you on the phone.
“Hey, Aud,” You greet back.
You and Audrey had remained ‘friends’ you didn’t talk that much, but she kept up with you and asked if you were okay occasionally. She was a nice person and she knew that you were doing good, so obviously she could just leave you.
“What’s up?” You ask her.
“Just wondering how you are,” She vaguely replies.
“I’m fine,” You respond suspiciously. She never called you, she always texted you. You knew something was wrong.
“Are you telling me the truth?”
You chuckle, “Yeah, Audrey I’m fine,” You kind of lie to her.
“Okay,” She sighs sounding stressed.
“Seriously Aud, what’s wrong? Just tell me.”
She was silent for a second, “He’s got a girlfriend.”
You swallow thickly, “Good for him,” You chirp trying to keep a good composure until she hangs up.
“Y/N,” She sighs.
You quickly wipe the tears escaping from your eyes, “No, that’s good. Good for him.”
“I know you’re not okay, Y/N.”
“I’m fine, Audrey,” You snap. You choke on the sobs coming up from your throat. “I’m sorry,” You sniffle, harsh breaths escaping your body. “I didn’t mean to snap.”
“I know, I know,” She softly says.
“I’m fine,” You assure her.
“Okay, okay. Call me later when you want somebody to talk to,” She says.
“Yep, I will,” I quickly say before hanging up.
You sit for a second. Blankly staring at the wall, feeling deja vu in every way possible. You start hysterically laughing as you can’t believe that this is happening. It’s over, this is the final for you two. There are no second chances, nothing left for your relationship. You don’t hysterically sob, you just sit there and let the tears drip down your face. You let no emotion show as your feel your heart being cut out.
“I’m sorry.”
You apologize for everything, you say you’re sorry for every second that Thomas hurt because of you. You whisper it to yourself every second because you can be nothing but sorry. You did this to yourself. You couldn’t stay forever, and now you wish you could’ve. Nobody did this to you but yourself. Because I was always under.
