#threepio
“Careful. They can smell fear.”
I’m always a slut for ‘Anakin decides not to murder children and it saves the galaxy’ AUs, but I’m also always a slut for ‘Anakin decides not to murder children and it doesn’t save the galaxy’ AUs, partially because I’m sure Palps had several contingencies in place for Anakin not falling, and partially because the concept of baby Luke and Leia being raised by their Mom, Dad, Uncle Obi and Aunt Soka while they run the Resistance kills me.
There are so many incredible directions it can go, but my personal favorites are:
- Leia gets a lightsaber and becomes a terror of the galaxy, eventually killing Sidious through sheer bloody-minded stubbornness and no little amount of vigorous stabbing.
- Luke and Anakin bond over piloting while Obi-Wan is sick in the back of the transport.
- Obi-Wan and Padmé getting drunk and taking the piss out of Sidious. (“Have you— *hic* have you seen his hair?” “Atrocious.” “Fuck, and the robes.” “No sense of panache whatsoever. I was never so unstylish when I wore robes.” “Yes, you were very hot.” “What?” What.”)
- Ahsoka, Leia, and Luke prank wars. Blue milk in the pillow is how it starts. Three imperial bases burning while R2 cackles in the background and Padmé and Obi-Wan yelling at them is how it ends.
- R2 and Luke are Best Friends. R2 and Leia are Mortal Enemies. Anakin takes Luke’s side. Obi-Wan takes Leia’s. Ahsoka and 3PO form their own team. Padmé privately decides that she can’t be bothered and lets her family have their stupid feud while she establishes another rebel base.
- Hondo Ohnaka frequently kidnaps Luke and Leia and tries to get them to join his crew. Leia scams him every single time in the hopes that it’ll get him to back off. It just makes him try harder.
- Han Solo shows up when the twins are 16 and both of them get horrible crushes on him. Anakin hates him for it. He shows up again when the twins are 22 and gets a horrible crush on both of them. Luke thinks it’s kind of sweet. Leia is not impressed. Anakin still hates him.
- Luke goes out on a routine supply trip and comes back two weeks later with a whole covert of Mandalorians, including one named Din to whom he is very attached. Anakin blames Obi-Wan for it (“It’s your genes. Your stupid, defective, mandalorian-attracting genes.” “Luke and I aren’t even related!!” “You did this.”)
- Padmé ‘three outfits a day and no less’ Amidala, Leia ‘braids and floor-length bodycon dresses’ Skywalker, and Luke ‘Chanel boots’ Skywalker, are fashion icons. Anakin, who is almost always covered in grease stains, is continuously mistaken for their escort and/or servant.
As people have pointed out, I’ve committed the grievous (pun unintended) error of not posting any of the ones with Rex and Cody. Enjoy:
- In the early days of the empire, Rex and Ahsoka, still presumed dead, mount a rescue mission for Cody. They make it in, knock him out, and steal him away successfully, but before they can get the chip out of his head, he punches Rex in the face, breaking his nose. Rex doesn’t let it go for years. (“Rex, could you help me unload some of these crates.” “Could you make my nose straight again?” “I could punch you again, you know. Maybe this time I’d break something less important to you. Like your brain.”)
- Rex teaches Leia what a keldabe kiss is and she goes around headbutting everyone in her family to say she loves them. Rex doesn’t correct her until she’s gotten Anakin.
- After the first time Obi-Wan and Anakin come back, singed and having nearly given their base’s location away three times, Padmé mandates that neither of them are allowed out without a sensible person. Given the shortage of sensible people, it falls to Rex and Cody. It is a thankless, thankless, job.
- Both Rex and Cody have no idea what natborn developmental stages are like and they try to teach Luke and Leia to shoot at the tender age of one and a half. Anakin is appalled until he sees them hitting the targets. (They’re still not allowed guns until they’re five.)
- In their nascent rebellion, there aren’t any official ranks. When Obi-Wan and Anakin tell them to stop calling them ‘General,’ both Rex and Cody start calling them increasingly sarcastic titles, including Prince-Consort of the Gungan Swamps (for Anakin) and Lord Regent of the High and Mighty Empire of <insert tiny moon they’re living on right now here>. Obi-Wan isn’t amused. Anakin wants to know if he is technically a prince-consort because he’s married to Padmé and whether that means he gets any special privileges. (The special privilege is that Padmé doesn’t put him on garbage detail for asking that question.)
