i feel like tumblr is doing something kind of revolutionary with its advertising rn? like… if they’re doing what I suspect they’re doing, it’s almost impressive?
tumblr: hey, we need money to keep the lights on so here’s an ad for ball shaving devices
me: i am not the target market but okay! thanks!
tumblr: hey, sorry, but you scrolled down past two posts so now it’s ad time. how about you shave your balls, huh?
tumblr: hey you need anything for that ball shaving thing, orrrr..?
me: you like. you HAVE to know that i do not. in fact, based on a real rough read of the demographics of my followers, it seems like you have massively misjudged your audience for these ads? like, ball-havers seem to be a pretty small subset of users here?
tumblr: no, no, got it.
me:squints
me: okay, i’m gonna scroll down ag-
tumblr: hey, how about you shave your balls for once, huh????!!!
me:… is this the only ad you’re running now? like, not only are all my ads for ball shaving tools, you’re running them so close to each othet it that feels 50% of my dash is ball shaving tool ads?
tumblr: hey we’re sorry but we need money, and we only get money when someone clicks on an ad, so-
me: BUT WHO IS ACTUALLY DOING THAT???! BECAUSE MOST OF US? WE DO NOT HAVE BALLS?!!!?? Like, why not just diversify your ad sponsors to buy something that we can actually use? just like… maybe plug one! other! product! or! service! IDEALLY UNRELATED TO SHAVING BALLS!
tumblr: we actually were just about to drop a new ad for a totally different product! totally unrelated to balls!
me: awesome, thanks man, that’s progress. what’s the new ad camp-
tumblr:
tumblr: gimme 40 bucks and it stops. 40 bucks and i’ll cool it for a whole year year.
me: does…. does manscaped know you’re doing this? like, do they know their ads are now enforcing an extortion attempt or-
tumblr: LALALALALALALA I CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF ALL YOUR BALLS THAT NEED SHAVING unless you have 40 bucks that is. 40 bucks and this can end right here.
Everyone has been pulling this racket for years (youtube premium and suchlike) but Tumblr are forgiven because they wisely chose to do it in the funniest way possible.
Over the years they’ve become like Zoo employees, who actually know how to handle the animals in their care
tumblr users can have little a enrichment, as a treat
Honestly I tend to think of it more like a group of relatively well-trained and VERY FRUSTRATED zookeepers finally getting the chance to do their jobs without obscene amounts of meddling and overriding from the person who owns the zoo.
Automattic:What’s wrong with that guy over there in the staff uniform?
Staff: That’s actually 3 capuchin monkeys in a khaki trench coat with Jeff’s missing hat.
Automattic: What are you going to do? Shoot them or something?
Staff:We’ve got it under control.
*a banana on a string lands on the ground by the corner of a nearby building*
