#tw burnout

1. confrontation / social situations where i think someone might not like me or might have a “valid” reason to dislike me make me very stressed, and i’m not sure what there is to do about this realisation. i can’t change the way others perceive me but i can change the way i present myself; but i am sick of making myself smaller, sick of clarifying, sick of laying down and inviting you to trod over me, sick of worrying. i am tired of saying i want to be liked like a pathetic fool, and then for someone to ask me then what i have been doing to make myself likeable. suggestions as to how i can be a more palatable version of myself. you might as well ask what i have done to make myself unlikeable? be myself? i want to be myself with someone and not regret it. i want to go back to therapy but stop worrying about getting a bad grade in therapy.

2. we were talking about ways to kill ourselves the other day, which naturally meant that we were talking about burn out. she said when she took time off it was nice to be human again, rather than a doctor. i think i prefer to be a doctor; at least i’m useful.

3. i am tired of feeling othered in my own home, of feeling outnumbered in my own space. i am tired of white culture being default culture, of your ideas on politeness and conflict resolution to be the accepted norm. if it is a question you wouldn’t ask a white person, don’t ask a poc. certainly not when you are the guest in their home. i don’t give a fuck how “well-traveled” you are, how “well-meaning” you are. do better.