Looking back through old system notebooks-

Handwriting

WTF our handwritings were so different?!?! It’s like in integrating we’ve evened things out mostly to be all equidistant from an average point but apparently as of this time two years ago we had a WILDLY vast array of handwritings. I literally saw one and went “What the hell Angela? No one would believe that was our writing if you passed that in to a professor.” Luckily she did NOT at any point attempt to pass anything in that she’d written out herself.

Also some of the littles had handwriting that looked straight up like an elementary school kid’s. I know for a fact that Jessi’s no longer looks like that when she is small. I have no idea about Julian’s handwriting when he is small— his hand writing when he’s a teenager is pretty neat and at body age or higher (which almost never happens) it’s freaking calligraphy level.

Now we still have our differences but it’s not like “physically how the hell did this all come from the same hand though” anymore.

-Octavian (15)

P.S. omg Lestat’s handwriting looked like legit fucking CALLIGRAPHY. Can I have it? Like I almost never use cursive, but if I did, can I dig that out of my brain somewhere and claim dibs?? Because it looks freaking AWESOME.

I am reading back through our blog to see changes in our functioning (like the not listed as consciously problematic or good in the system journal, just…. on average) over time as we have healed and Omfg I just…..

So many of these posts (from when our system had over 200 parts) are signed by or tagged as around five people at once?!?! Not even from the same couple of micro-subsystems!! And like all the main fronters fronted almost every day. We often switched after a number (a single digit number!) of minutes. And I don’t mean…. a bunch of people wandering near the front and negotiating who is going to take a turn and then all but one or two wander back off again and those one or two properly switch into the front. I mean SWITCH. Like not on purpose. And I don’t mean five people blurring and nobody being able to take front properly. I mean Five People Freaking Co-Conscious At Once. As a common occurrence. How- just- How were we OKAY with that?!? Sure, we didn’t remember any better (beyond “wow life didn’t used to be THIS confusing when the system was like 100 parts or less”) but also….. Okay no, no. The REAL thing that has me flabbergasted is that like….. We FUNCTIONED?! Somehow?!?! We went to work everyday like that. We went to school like that. We got shit done like that and appeared fine to most people. I don’t think we had ANY idea How the Fuck Impressive we were. Like at all. We were just like “whelp guess I have no choice”, but we did. We did have a choice. We could have given up - and I don’t even mean die. I mean we could have just resigned ourselves to the fate of never having a normal life and given in to the pressures from certain parts of the community to obsess over our disorder or to build our life around being sick. But we did not. We built our life around getting better. And we are so many miles away from that state of being that was the hell we lived in when we first started this blog. I just am so stunned to look back and see how far we’ve come. I am proud of us.

-Octavian (15) co-Julian (14)