One last post that probably seems to have less context to the last ones since Lucille didn’t post his ramble, but the reason our system is choosing to probably do final fusion is not because we don’t like our parts or don’t see ourselves as complete individuals on our own, but because we love, respect, and trust each other. It’s like having a long term partner and getting married and melding your lives together. It isn’t because you aren’t real separate or that you don’t value alone time or don’t want either to have freedom, it’s because you really respect, trust, love, and enjoy spending time with this person, because being around the other person makes you feel like your best self. We’re probably going towards final fusion because generally speaking, we are better people with one another than alone.

So I was going to make a post to our blog about final fusion and some thoughts / assumptions about us that have come from our system being directed towards final fusion and I got most way through the post before I realized that it would actually be a really good post to workshop into a formal writing assignment for one of our classes, albeit it would be considerably abstract and off the beaten path for the assignment, but from the sounds of the professor, they might really like that?

So we might actually be workshopping a conversation discussing a very specific DID experience in a very general specific class, arguably workshopping it as being written by me - a specific part - to the intended audience of people who have DID and if our professor gets back with the confirmation that it is an acceptable one, this might be an actually really fun essay project to work on because we might actually care about making it good and editting it to serve the best intent

I came out here and was explicitly telling myself that I shouldn’t worry about the draft that is due today since Riku has a vague idea that it has to be personally charged, and then was just out here trying to relax and reflect on things and I might have - in true academic protector fashion - accidentally written the draft.

-Lucille (Protector)

Also, open to answering any asks about our experiences with fusion, thoughts and experiences being a system that does plan (with like 95% likeliness) to eventually reach final fusion, or just anything in our healing journey really. We’d love to talk about it and do know there is very little chatter on the topic.

DID things

When someone asks if you’re okay and you answer:

yes, no, maybe, i dunno

cause everyone is feeling different things so you have no idea

thethirteenthchild:

The amount of people acting like I should feel guilty for having no empathy, jokes on you guys I also can’t feel guilt! ✌️

honestly, biggest mood.

(also pleasantly surprised to see another person active in the ASPD tag but that also has DID !!)

fencesandfrogs:

makiruz:

fencesandfrogs:

makiruz:

It appears that what kept me watching Moon Knight wasn’t the show itself, but the threat of a new episode the following week, because it took me 2 eternities to watch the final episode.

Anyway I finally watched it, and it was fun; still not sure what the Mental Hospital is supposed to represent, but whatever.

As I imagined, Marc couldn’t find peace in the afterlife with a piece of his psyche just lying there in Egyptian hell so he went back for him and they found true balance that way, nice.

Bit confused by the end, I assume that’s was a black out, our new friend Jake maybe. Speaking of, I really like Jake; I think it’s like Khonshu made a deal with Marc and then found Jake and was like “this one is so much better!”, love Jake; also love the limousine with personalized “Spector” plates, means he really is a millionaire, I’d thought that wasn’t gonna be in the adaptation, but apparently it is! I wonder how that’s gonna work here, as I’ve mentioned before, in the comics the alters were Marc the superhero, Jake the cab driver and Steven the millionaire; here neither Marc nor Steven have any money and Jake’s the one with the limousine, so I have no idea what’s happening, I’m guessing the money is in Marc’s name since that’s his legal name and it’s his name on the plates.

Still thinking on that episode where Marc blacks out and suddenly he’s surrounded by corpses and he asks Steven who has never done anything bad in his life if he did it, use your head Marc! God I actually love that Marc’s alters are, Steven a good innocent boy, Marc a morally grey mercenary and Jake who is like “MURDER!!”

Finally I have decided that Taweret is my favorite deity; I mean Thor is a good boy, but Taweret is so cute, I love her; she and Layla make such a good team. BTW, how is Steven suddenly badass? Is he tapping into Marc’s muscle memory? That makes sense, bodies work like that, I think. Hey is that DID thing? If you have DID can your alters have different skills? Can you use your other alters’ skills?

Yeah, absolutely. Alters can have different skills (mental and physical), and with lowered dissociative barriers, you can share them. That’s what that scene represents — the barrier between Marc and Steven is low enough for Steven to “tap into” Marc’s skills.

Oh thank you, I mean, I would assume physical skill should be easy to share, ‘cause you know muscle memory.

It depends on the system. Some alters are highly differentiated, needing even different eye glass prescriptions. (Most aren’t, but it can happen.)

Lots of systems have different handwriting — our handwriting is pretty consistent, but we all favor different ways of writing.

I don’t know how exactly muscle memory plays into this, but we can be either incredibly graceful or extraordinarily clumsy, circumstances depending.

Uhh, that’s so interesting, thank you

fencesandfrogs:

makiruz:

It appears that what kept me watching Moon Knight wasn’t the show itself, but the threat of a new episode the following week, because it took me 2 eternities to watch the final episode.

Anyway I finally watched it, and it was fun; still not sure what the Mental Hospital is supposed to represent, but whatever.

As I imagined, Marc couldn’t find peace in the afterlife with a piece of his psyche just lying there in Egyptian hell so he went back for him and they found true balance that way, nice.

Bit confused by the end, I assume that’s was a black out, our new friend Jake maybe. Speaking of, I really like Jake; I think it’s like Khonshu made a deal with Marc and then found Jake and was like “this one is so much better!”, love Jake; also love the limousine with personalized “Spector” plates, means he really is a millionaire, I’d thought that wasn’t gonna be in the adaptation, but apparently it is! I wonder how that’s gonna work here, as I’ve mentioned before, in the comics the alters were Marc the superhero, Jake the cab driver and Steven the millionaire; here neither Marc nor Steven have any money and Jake’s the one with the limousine, so I have no idea what’s happening, I’m guessing the money is in Marc’s name since that’s his legal name and it’s his name on the plates.

Still thinking on that episode where Marc blacks out and suddenly he’s surrounded by corpses and he asks Steven who has never done anything bad in his life if he did it, use your head Marc! God I actually love that Marc’s alters are, Steven a good innocent boy, Marc a morally grey mercenary and Jake who is like “MURDER!!”

Finally I have decided that Taweret is my favorite deity; I mean Thor is a good boy, but Taweret is so cute, I love her; she and Layla make such a good team. BTW, how is Steven suddenly badass? Is he tapping into Marc’s muscle memory? That makes sense, bodies work like that, I think. Hey is that DID thing? If you have DID can your alters have different skills? Can you use your other alters’ skills?

Yeah, absolutely. Alters can have different skills (mental and physical), and with lowered dissociative barriers, you can share them. That’s what that scene represents — the barrier between Marc and Steven is low enough for Steven to “tap into” Marc’s skills.

Oh thank you, I mean, I would assume physical skill should be easy to share, ‘cause you know muscle memory.

WHY R YALL PUTTING A WARNING FOR DID AND MENTIONS OF DID WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG W U PPL????? MY MENTAL DISORDER DOES NOT NEED A TW.

A short comic for #DIDAwarenessDay about some of my experiences with DID.

This happens every time and never fails to amuse me.

igbygoesdown:

DID vs. OSDD: What’s the Difference, and Why Does It Matter?

Depending on which circles this post ends up in, many people who are reading this will know of Dissociative Identity Disorder, or DID. (If not, don’t worry, there will be a brief overview in a little bit!) However, lesser known to the layman is Otherwise Specified Dissociative Disorder (OSDD), a catch-all for dissociative disorders that don’t fit under any other named dissociative disorder. There are four types of OSDD, but I’ll be focusing on type 1 here. Read beneath the cut for in-depth info, sources, and some personal thoughts!

(Regardless of whether or not you have a dissociative disorder, I’d encourage you to reblog! Mental health awareness and education are crucial.)

Keep reading

Looks like We’re back to making posts that We don’t remember. No big deal but then…

WHO THE FUCK?! Dude! Not cool. Let’s not be flirting even mock flirting (because I can’t imagine any of us trying to actually flirt with anyone… Well…) because We don’t need that kind of attention. Please. The only one We can think of that would say that is dormant. So??? No idea.

One of us used to really like that weird Japanese gore art. Don’t know what it’s called. But it usually has something kinda fucked up written on it. Whoever it was liked it because of the sick feeling it gave us. Then We stopped getting that feeling. Some of that art popped up on our dash and there it was! The same sick feeling. We are feeling alive again, some of us think. Empathy… None of us in front like that art btw. So We don’t know who it was. We don’t actually like the feeling it gives us. But We are happy to have empathy back. Like fully back.

trustmeimadoctor:

Really showing some self restraint here, I feel. Going back and fourth back and fourth. Should We? Shouldn’t We? We want to try to clear up psychosis and also not make it worse. We are taking the smallest dose of lsd We think We’ve taken since We started Psychedelic Therapy. About 100mcg. Teen wanted to do 200mcg but Brother actually talked him out of it. He said just to do a little for medicine. Basically that’s what he was saying. But yeah, today We walked to the store by ourself (bad idea) everything went relatively fine but when We got home and went to unlock our door We got freaked out. We swore someone had come up the stairs behind us but there was no one. Then it felt like they kept sneaking up behind us. There wasn’t anyone there. We will see if this dose makes a difference.

The shadows stopped moving.

Really showing some self restraint here, I feel. Going back and fourth back and fourth. Should We? Shouldn’t We? We want to try to clear up psychosis and also not make it worse. We are taking the smallest dose of lsd We think We’ve taken since We started Psychedelic Therapy. About 100mcg. Teen wanted to do 200mcg but Brother actually talked him out of it. He said just to do a little for medicine. Basically that’s what he was saying. But yeah, today We walked to the store by ourself (bad idea) everything went relatively fine but when We got home and went to unlock our door We got freaked out. We swore someone had come up the stairs behind us but there was no one. Then it felt like they kept sneaking up behind us. There wasn’t anyone there. We will see if this dose makes a difference.

trustmeimadoctor:

I just made a promise to Dante that I wouldn’t make another suicide attempt until we try the lsd route first. He heard me and acknowledged it. I have to remember. 

It’s been over a year since We started psychedelic therapy. Started with lsd and ketamine. Saved us. It’s time to wake up Dante. I think he would like things much better now with the new level of self awareness. I think he would like to front.

Been losing so much time. Thursday was a continuation of Wednesday. It was Wednesday until it was Friday. There was no Thursday. But it was Wednesday that didn’t start until Thursday. The Thursday that never happened. We probably shouldn’t have Ativan anymore. I forget that We used to black out from Ativan and alcohol. Maybe We are more sensitive in our current condition. We had the outsider hold on to our Ativan for us. Because We knew that We couldn’t trust ourself in the state We’ve been in. Yesterday We asked him for our medicine. He said He gave it to us and that We said that We didn’t need him to hold on to it anymore because We wouldn’t need it anymore…???!!! It wasn’t Teen. It wasn’t Animal. It wasn’t Malice and it sure as fuck wasn’t The Gobos! So who was it? We suffered full amnesia! This isn’t our norm or at least it hasn’t been in a long time. And We’ve been hallucinating. Full, head on hallucinations. That is also not our norm. Not since We were a child. Visual, auditory and tactile hallucinations. We look at our “Trip Check Painting” and the shadows move like We’re on LSD. But We haven’t taken LSD in about a week. We don’t know what this means. But it seems like when We push and stress for an entire semester, by the end of it, something happens to our mental state. We pushed ourself hard, not even this hard but hard enough to cause a state of psychosis in 2019. The last day of class or the very next day, don’t clearly remember, Teen tried to kill the vessel. It was a very serious attempt. And he very nearly succeeded. Was almost rushed to another hospital for a liver transplant but our levels suddenly started coming down. Waking up in the hospital… Never hallucinated that bad in our entire life. A dark shaking figure stood in the corner of our “room”. The walls had weird writing all over them and were moving. Everything had a yellow tint to it.

We are not suicidal. But We are not okay. We do not believe that We are a risk to ourself or anyone else. Other than a possible accidental overdose! That Ativan shit is scary! If We try really hard, We can see someone dropping one of the pills in the trash accidentally then popped the last… 3??? In our mouth. If there were more in there We don’t know if, whoever that was, would have taken all of it.

We did well in Music Theory 101. We did not great at all on our project but ended up getting a 90 on it! Our average was an 89 but when We checked, our overall grade is a 99 point… Something. Can’t really remember but a fucking 99??!! How? Since March We’ve been doing horribly! When We submitted our final project We also wrote a little over 300 words vaguely explaining why We submitted such hot garbage. He wrote back telling me that he thought We were doing well and that he could tell how much work We put in all of our work. After our presentation he clapped…??? We thought he was gonna be like, “Wtf is this?” Even though he did let us know where We fucked up he still seemed to understand that We did know the material We were just having a bad time. None of us saw that coming.

So why are We starting to spiral? Is this just what a burnout feels like for us now? Is there something seriously wrong? We don’t know yet. Hopefully this fades with some rest.

thebeesystemandmemes:

psychoticlokiandposims:

Shout out to systems who have system experiences they are afraid of talking about because they are afraid of harassment or being fake claimed <3

Also, for fear of getting into trouble.