#ups drivers
On this day…I was called a liar.
What had begun as a routine delivery in the hills outside of Newberg, Oregon quickly degenerated into a misunderstanding of epic proportions that threatened to derail the entire delivery.
The fault was not mine. Reaching into the treat box, I had proceeded to pay the obligatory biscuit toll by tossing it out the door as I had done many times before. But on this occasion, fate intervened. My aim was slightly off, causing the aforementioned cookie to ricochet off of the side of the door frame, only to land squarely between the shoulder blades of its intended recipient.
Baffled and befuddled, this bewildered beggar blithely bore the burden of the biscuit upon his back while barking and baying its disbelief that said biscuit was ever offered to begin with.
The result…was a standoff between yours truly and this furious four-legged feigner of famine who refused to step aside until such time as the requisite payment was made. I faced a dilemma; either cede to his unreasonable expectations and set the stage for the inevitable escalation of his dietary demands, or hold firm on principle and refuse to budge. The former option was the equivalent of capitulation, while the latter would put me at risk of getting further behind on my deliveries. After careful consideration, it became clear to me that my duty to my customers outweighed my duty to a mere dog and that, if I were quick, I could simply retrieve they wayward biscuit off of its back while it was busy eating the second one, thereby avoiding a precedent for future extortion. Filled with pride at my shrewd strategy, I proceeded to step out of the truck with a biscuit in one hand, ready to snatch my original errant offering off of his back with the other….when I got played. This canine con artist had been fully aware of the location of the first biscuit the entire time; upon seeing the one in my hand he proceeded to flip the first one up into the air, catch it, snatch the second biscuit out of my grasp, and bolt quickly out of my reach with his mouthful of ill-gotten gains. On this day I learned a bitter truth; you can’t bamboozle a bamboozler!
By Scott Hodges
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Camels turn to get the packages today.
UPS Driver John.
Hudson Valley, NY
Shock and surprise.
Awe and amazement.
Delight and disbelief.
Cooper…the official mascot, greeter, customer-relations specialist and squirrel chaser of Arlyn Vineyards…is befuddled, bewitched and bamboozled by the bounty of biscuits that she is about to be blessed with by yours truly. For today is not just any normal day…it is Multi-Biscuit Monday!
You see, with the large number of demanding doggos that roam the highways and byways of Newberg, Oregon, it is necessary for me to have a very strict rationing system for biscuit dispensation. Each dog gets ONE biscuit per day. No more, no less. That is fair. That is the rule and it will be followed. But, like all rules, there have to be exceptions for unique and “special” circumstances. Therefore, in order to help keep things simple, I have decided that the aforementioned one-biscuit rule is NOT applicable on any day of the week ending with the letter “y.” So you can see here the absolute joy on Cooper’s face as she discovers that today is indeed a “special” day that is replete with a veritable cornucopia of cookies. Cooper can barely contain her excitement at the good fortune of her human’s package arriving on Multi-Biscuit Monday. What are the odds? For if I had delivered it on any day *other* than Multi-Biscuit Monday (or Triple-Biscuit Tuesday, Wealth-of-Biscuits Wednesday, Three-Biscuit Thursday, Four-Biscuit Friday, Six-Biscuit Saturday or Seven-Biscuit Sunday) she would be out of luck and limited to one puny, meager treat! It would be a tragedy of unspeakable proportions. But I am glad to say that, on this lucky day, Cooper has hit the jackpot!
By Scott Hodges.
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This is my friend “Teddy” as in Teddy Bear.
This little guy can hear my truck from blocks away and gets so excited to come and see his favorite UPS guy. It’s furry friends like him that make this job worthwhile!
Thanks for the smooches today and being a good boy Teddy.
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“Is this all you have for me? I’d like to speak to your manager.”Most of the pups on the back roads of Newberg, Oregon are grateful for the treats that I bring, but there are a few who can be more than a bit entitled and hard to please. Case in point: this choosy chihuahua who chooses only the choicest chunks of chuck, chops and chicken to chew upon. Observe the manner in which my generous offering of not one but two delicious pork flavored milk bones has been utterly rejected with the sneering disdain that can only come from the sort of refined and distinguished palate that yours truly is unworthy of feeding. This fastidious four-legged connoisseur of fine and fancy dining believes that by ignoring my initial donation, I will be forced to dig deep in the biscuit box for the specific flavor of biscuits that can meet her lofty standards. Only *after* I have paid tribute with an offering that she deems to be worthy will I be granted permission to deliver her human’s package and then depart the premises.But there appears to be some sort of a discrepancy in her dietary demands. You see, this is the second time I have delivered to her home this week and the second time in which my initial offering was rejected. Yet the two inferior biscuits I tossed out yesterday…the ones she ignored with utter contempt…are now nowhere to be seen. What could have possibly happened to them? Where did they go? There are no other dogs here to eat them, yet they have disappeared. How could this be? My mind races, trying to wrap itself around the mystery of the missing biscuits, until the sordid truth becomes clear; I have been played. This duplicitous doggo is not nearly as picky as she has made out to be, she simply allows me to *think* she is so that I will offer additional biscuits in a futile attempt to please her. Then when I have departed, she can clean up on the perfectly acceptable treats that she pretended to despise! Some might consider her behavior to be cheating, but all tactics are fair in the quest to extract goodies from the Unlimited Puppy Snacks truck!
By Scott Hodges
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