Vampire starters (mainly sass and arguments for amusement sake)

Human:

“If you tell me that I should stay away from you because you could kill me- so can literally anyone else! Hell, I could be killed by a fucking mosquito!”

“Yes, I get it. You have pointy teeth, and a need to drink blood. You’re a monster, truly. There have never been people who.. I don’t know, kill other people, or breed animals just to kill and eat them or anything like that.”

“Oh, you’re a vampire who wants to kill me? Go ahead, it’s not like I have any purpose in life anyway!” *excessively bright tone*

“Bite me.”

“If you bite me, I swear I’ll shove a wooden stake up your ass.”

“Do you wash your fangs after biting a person? If not, you might be spreading STDs, and that’s unsanitary.”

“Can you swim? I want to push you into a pool of holy water to see if it burns.. for science.”

“Are you repelled by garlic because it smells bad, or is it an allergy? Unless that’s just a myth.”

“Well. That’s a lot of blood.”

“What would you do if your human girlfriend went on her period? Avoid her for that week?”

“…Shit. I’m bleeding.”

“And the asshole of the year award goes to- me!” *Pulls the curtains open*

“I have a bleeding disorder. If you bite me, it’ll be like drinking from a water fountain. So don’t do that, or I’ll bleed out on your carpet.”

“If I’m supposed to be intimidated by you because you drink human blood, I’m sorry, it’s not working. Internally, the only thing I see when I look at you is an oversized mosquito.”

“…You’re old.”

“I can’t tell if you’re flirting with me.. or if you want to bite me..”

“You can’t get away with saying anything creepy just because you’re a vampire.”

Vampire:

“Actually, the real reason I haven’t drank from you up until now is because I’ve witnessed your diet, and I’m pretty sure your blood would taste like pure [grease/sugar].”

“Ican see my reflection. Probably much better than you can see your own, actually.”

“Yes, I burn in the sunlight, but you can’t tell me that humans don’t burn. I just burn with much more severity than a human would.”

“I swear, if you touch those fucking curtains, I will find your most prized possession, and destroy it.”

“Don’t call me ‘ancient’ I’m not that old.”

“Would you be pissed off at me if I were to turn you into a vampire?”

“No, no, forget what I said. Seriously. Don’t remember it.” (compels them to forget.)

“Don’t touch the blood bags. If they aren’t stored carefully, they won’t last.”

“Your blood.. smells really nice, and I would suggest that you keep it away from me.”

(Some of these are longer for the sake of my own amusement. Feel free to shorten or rephrase them however you’d like.)