#we day

When you are younger time slips away too slowly. But as when you get older, it feels like the clock starts ticking way faster than before.
When Everything Now came out I had this arrogant feeling of having everything under control, everything back then made sense: I was in a relationship, living by my own, with this freedom to do whatever I want, whenever I wanted… Or at least it felt like that. (Stop pretending you got EN… I should have listen)

As 2017 came to an end, I lived through this catharsis: I attended to my second and third Arcade Fire concert, and one week later my 6 year relationship ended.
2018, I had to come back to my parents place and face one of the most depressive/pathetic years of my life. I made terrible choices, I was drunk like every weekend and one time I almost got killed by three thiefs whom putted a gun to my head, How the hell I am still alive? I don’t know.

2019 wasn’t different at all, I had this urge to feel loved again and despite having ‘friends’ I think I’ve never feel more alone like those days. Back in 2014 when I had my first panick attack, I was diagnosed with anxiety and OCD. Since then I managed to live with it, with ups and downs, struggling to find a way to enjoy most of the things I used to love. I never accomplished at all, but I tried my best. So, the pandemic hitted and we all know what we went through those horrible times. As a result my mental health went downhill even worse than before.

Why am I writting this? Im not sure at all, besides I don’t even know if there’s still someone around here who’s gonna read this. But as WE day is here, I felt this urge to put my feelings and thoughts in here, just like the old times.

These 5 years have left deep scars into my heart, soul and mind. I still have this horrible need to feel/be loved/loveable, most of the time I have no idea of what am I doing with my life felling like I’m wasting my precious time around here, I’m still struggling with anxiety, insecurities and yes, I still feel lonely/lost as fuck.
Somedays are better than others, often the best I can do is to cry until I fall asleep and wait for a better day to start. But I’m still going, I’m still trying…

I’m not sure If I am a better person than my younger self in 2017, but now I’m surely do know certain things about me, about what I want and I don’t in my life, about the things I’m looking for and the things I hope to find one day, once again.

Here’s what I’ve learned so far: Don’t take anything or someone for granted ever, not even yourself. Because you are gonna change, always. That’s the only constant in life. Time moves only forward. Don’t expect anyone to save you from your shit, or to face the consequences of what you have made… that’s up to you, no one else. Besides, nobody deserves to pay for something they didn’t have to do with it at all.

That little voice inside your head telling you that you are not good enough, or you are a mistake? Guess what? WE are enough, WE are not a mistake, WE are just lost and afraid. WHO ISN’T? Remember: WE only have ourselves, WE are our strongest shelter, WE are the only ones capable of defeating our monsters, WE must embrace our shadows and make amends with them in order to keep going, that’s the only way WE could get through this without going insane.
Take a deep breath: WE will be okay.
No one is perfect, read that again: No one.

More than a random text, this feels like a letter to my younger self (or future(?)). Oh man, If that poor guy would’ve know what he was approaching to, he will probably shitted his pants before freaked out and losed his mind.

Wherever/Whoever you are, yes, you; I just want to tell you how immensely proud I am of you. No matter how bad the weather looks, keep going, don’t give up because it’s just a matter of time till WE meet again.

Happy WE day everyone.

Ps. Sorry for not being up to date with the blog and everything, as you can imagine I’m not been doing well but as the new era is here I’m going to try my best to keep you updated. Thx for reading me and your support over the years. <3