#wheezing

goreador:

i’m bored. let’s roast jan pieterzoon for no reason

jan pieterzoon looks like he thinks partridge in a pear tree is a sex position and regularly goes to target to buy milk duds, nothing else. he looks like he needs an aspirin to do laundry. he looks like he thinks underwear is disposable and spends $140 a month on five packs of tighty whities only to throw them away after a single use.

he looks he tries to high five airport security agents. he looks like he bought a plane ticket to london just to steal a magazine from heathrow and go right back home. he unironically likes going to the dentist. he had a near death experience at toys r us during holiday season, twice. he goes to business 101 classes to make friends.

jan pieterzoon was born wearing clothes and his favorite song is a magna carta audio book. he rewrites his will every time he sneezes. he has nightmares about balloons. he brought eight pencils to the SATs and yet somehow managed to lose each one before lunch break. once he got tipsy from an overripe tangerine and then made eye contact with cuthbert beckett for 13 minutes and it changed him as a person.

his favorite foods are probably steamed broccoli, microwaved bread, and scented candles. he’s qadir al-asmai if qadir al-asmai failed his driver’s test three times and thought haircuts were painful for the hair. he’s sascha vykos if sascha vykos dressed a cat up in a matching outfit and named it sascha vykitty. he’s the adult who ends up playing a background character for a shitty local high school production of the nutcracker while passing through a small town in nebraska.

jan pieterzoon is the kind of guy who spends several weeks debating what kind of ceiling fan to install in his bathroom. he writes 3 star reviews of paperclips on Amazon. he tips taco bell employees with nickels. he probably smells like baby powder and q tips. fuck you jan pieterzoon go eat some filed taxes