#wild prayer

I asked for guidance, I asked for a direction, and I asked for hope. I put up a protective wall, I greeted each sacred direction, and I sat down to my cards. I shuffled and shuffled, quit shuffling and then got the feeling I should shuffle some more, all the while holding questions in my mind and stating my hopes, my fears, my aspirations out loud. I want to change the world, I want to get over my inner demons, I want to heal, I want to become a confident person, I want to believe in myself and do the work that I know I should do, the work I truly desire. I am so scared of failing, I am scared that I don’t have the brain power, that no one will agree, or that I have it all wrong. Am I really good enough to do the work I want to do? What if I go down the wrong path? What if I become nothing, do nothing good for the world, and become another destructive, life-sucking force out of the beauty Mother Nature has created? I take a deep breath and keep shuffling until I feel content and that the deck is in the right order for the answers to come through. I begin to place them.

One: who I am, what I represent, and my inner life force. I turn the card over, an upside down 8 of wands. The goddess Flora appears on this card, she lies smiling in a swirl of green and flowers, but she is upside down. What could that mean? I am new at this, super new in fact, and I don’t have the slightest idea. I hope that the spiritual guides aren’t offended by my lack of competency. I decide they aren’t (this process is about growth and learning anyhow) and look the card up online. Reversed, the 8 of wands represents patience, slowing things down. It encourages me to carefully consider my next steps and to clear the obstacles out of my way before moving forward or else I may miss something. I can’t help but be a bit dismayed. This is my inner life force? What I represent? Who I am? What does Flora have to do with it? Does it matter that the goddess is reversed? Is the fact that she’s upside down mean that I am not being true to her? Who is she? I find my book on goddesses and look her up, an understanding smile forming as I begin to read. She is a lady of pleasure, coming from the underworld, pushing up flowers, greenery and spring. Her celebrated festivities encouraged drinking, feasting, lovemaking, and nudity. She represents the end of the cold barren winter. She is light through the darkness It was her love of the west wind (Zephyrus) that birthed flowers into the world. I smile at the thought. She sounds like my kind of woman, placed not in reversal but upright. Maybe I am not being true to her? I plan on contemplating this card again after I read the rest and I move on.

Two: the potential which is held within. The card reads Death and the goddess Kali peers out at me, skull in one of her many hands, sword in another, tongue forward, face poised with a look of contentment. It is hard not to fear this card, but I know enough of Tarot and of Kali to know that it has many meanings; the most common is that of significant change. Before I can get to a new direction, significant transformation must occur, many changes must take place. The death and clearing of limiting obstacles will open the door for a more satisfying life. It is time to give up unhealthy attachments, cutting away what is not necessary in my life. I need to get rid of bad habits, bad behaviors that do not serve me well. It is time to get rid of old memories, baggage, and belongings that have been holding me down.

It is time to break from this old mode of being and become a stronger, freer, radical, non-conforming self. I look at Kali and ponder her role here. I think back to my time in India last summer: to my sudden curiousity and respect for her in Dharmsala, the bright red Temple of Durga we visited in Varanasi, and our visit to Kolkata, Kali’s sacred city. The goddess of destruction, the mother, the great power, the Absolute, the one no god or human can control: Kali has something to tell me about my inner potential. It is said that she appears naked to indicate her freedom from the world’s illusions. The first card begins to make more sense to me. I have obstacles to clear and that takes time, patience, and steady effort in order to access the potential I am holding within myself, a potential for radical change. This excites me, I am sick of being stuck in a cycle of self-doubt, self-hatred, and disbelief in my abilities. I am eager for the next card.

Three: what lies beneath me, my unborn self, still in the womb, developing. I reach for the card, nervous for what it will reveal. My internal self-hater kicks in, reminding me to fear that it will be something horribly negative, that it will prove that I am truly a bad person, worthless to this world. I push those thoughts away, they cannot deter me from the answers I seek this time. I turn the card and find Eos and her chariot, goddess of the dawn, mother of the winds, representing the Chariot of the major arcana. The chariot calls for boldness, confidence, and faith in oneself, knowing fundamentally who you are and what you stand for. Success will come from applying this to my life. I must overcome obstacles and challenges through the strength of my will power, my confidence, and control. I sit back in shock. The work I’ve been doing, the struggles I have been having, the healing I have been attempting, all of these efforts have all been heard by my spiritual guides, the goddess in her many forms. I am not alone in this struggle and the person I so hope to become is below the surface. I feel the self-doubt and hatred ease as I fill with happiness in finding solidarity with the spiritual. Eos represents growth, truth, and awakening. I feel eager to birth this person, to do the work the earlier cards called me to do so I can become this confident, successful, and full self. I notice at the end of the description of the Chariot the author notes this card can also mean a road trip and suggests buying an RV. I giggle and feel thankful that Tim and I’s next plan will only help me on my journey to becoming this person. I eagerly await the next card’s result.

Four: what I am aware of at present (the conscious self). A reversed 10 of wands, represented by the nymph Caenis, is revealed. When reversed, the 10 of wands implies carrying unnecessary burdens. In my case, in this cards situation, it shows that I am consciously aware of these burdens and am in the midst of the process of purging the unnecessary obstacles and burdens from my life to make space for what does aid me. It means getting rid of old furniture, clutter, clearing out of old clothes and simplifying my life. I laugh at the very truth of this card, for this is exactly the process Tim and I find ourselves in as we get ready to live a simpler life on the move in our Scamp: getting rid of the old, keeping the necessary, and letting go of excess. Again, I sit in wonder at the accuracy of these cards and I feel so much less alone, knowing the universe is listening, is concerned with me, because I am a part of it, not something separate.

What about Caenis? I look into her story and am astonished. Date-raped by Poseidon, the nymph that was Caenis is devastated. Poseidon, feeling sorry for her, asks what she needs from him to make amends. Caenis asks him to turn her into a man, a man of great strength so she will never have to experience that terror again. Poseidon grants this wish and Caenis became Caeneus. Later, in an attempt to kill Caeneus during a battle, centaurs buried him alive under a mountainous pile of rocks and tree trunks. Some stories say he died, turning back to his female form. I prefer the version that argues he simply flew off as a bird, a female bird, free of the burden the world had tried to place on her, the guise she took on to weather it all. Instead she became simply free.

           Five: what I am not aware of at present (the subconscious self). The five of wands appears, represented by the goddess Pele. This card speaks of internal conflict, differing of opinions and viewpoints, a need for a positive environment in which ideas can be challenged and improved with others. It also points out that while I am trying to figure out my path, my ideas, and point of view there are others with strong opinions about that path who surround me, creating further conflict. This makes sense considering the last month or so, the arguments I have had with family, friends, and others about the state of the world, life philosophies, and morality. Internally this struggle is alive, as I am in the vulnerable state of building a new foundation for my ideas to stand on. This contention is also present in ideas of what I should do now and in the future for a career. I think of my mother and her strong ideas, I think of what everyone else thinks of my taking this time to myself to do nothing on the work front. I feel these judgments, these strong opinions on what I should be doing, all the while I feel a strong need in my soul to rebuild and reemerge before I move on. I am happy the cards agree, I feel support from the universe and take solace in her empathy and encouragement.

Pele is the Hawaiian goddess of fire, passion, and volcanoes. Her story is one of exile, for her passionate and fiery ways got her into trouble in her native land. She found a home, a place where the people respected and came to love her for her passion and fiery nature, in Hawaii. This card seems to be telling me to find the people, the community in which my ideas will be supported, challenged, and improved upon in a positive environment. I feel that right now, in the majority of my life my ideas conflict with those who think they have more say around me. I think it is time to stand up for my fiery passion and move it to where it is more appreciated and has the room and guidance to grow.

Six: a better mindset to promote (a position linked to number three, this card aids the development and influence of my unborn self which is yet to emerge). A wide smile comes over me as the major arcana card of the Stars, represented my Pleiades, emerges with the flip of my hand. I am not sure what it means exactly, but I get the feeling that it is just what I hoped to hear. This card tells its reader to have faith in the universe; it is a reminder that you are blessed at this time, and to put your trust in the powers that be. The upcoming phase will be one of love, calm, mental stability, and a deep understanding of yourself and those around you. The difficult times you have come through are in the past, now you are open to the transformation and to healing. This card speaks to being true to yourself with a fresh perspective on life: focused in growth, new ideas, greater meaning and purpose, and honoring the person you truly want to be. This card is said to be a call of destiny, motivating, compelling you to go on and achieve your dreams, for it will not be in vain. It also means achieving a higher self-esteem and trusting yourself. This is especially true if you have come through a time of damaged self-esteem. Finally, this card means sharing what you earn and have learned with the world and being a generous spirit.

           This is exactly the mindset I need. I start to weep with gratitude, for there could not have been a more encouraging card in the deck for me. Thank you universe, I will continue my spiritual journey, my self-esteem building, and bring further light into this world. This is the place I yearn to be in. And the Pleiades? Goddesses of the mountains, I could not ask for a more inspiring representation of the star card, especially for this reading. I find myself in the mountains, the mountains are my solace, my challenge, and are becoming a sort of spiritual guidance in my life.

           Seven: a path to follow and an action perhaps to take. The five of pentacles appears with the goddess of the underworld from Sweden, Hel. This card reading is the most confusing for me and one I will have to contemplate further. The five of pentacles represents financial struggle, starvation, and poverty. On the psychological level it can represent an unhealthy relationship with the material, meaning money may be one’s primary motivation or that one has great anxiety from financial stress. It can also speak to you financial fears and insecurities. I think this card is talking to my fears of being able to create financial stability for myself, that my main concern about what to be in the world is how to make money at it. I don’t want to make an excessive amount of money by any means. I just want to be able to at the very least be able to support myself. Or does this card mean that poverty will be my path? It is hard to say. Not much is known about Hel either. Some consider her evil, some morally neutral.

           This card could be speaking towards my fear of being a burden on Timothy financially, my fear that he will end up resenting me. Is this card encouraging me to work through that issue? Or is it warning me to get a job and start making money? Hmm…

Eight: a truth to uncover and guidance from above. Turning the card over, I find the magician reversed, represented by Demeter. This card speaks to the talents, skills, and abilities I have but am not using to their full potential. I have so much more to give and I need to spend the time nurturing, exploring, and cultivating the skills that I have to get to the place I want to be in, to be the person I want to be, and give my contribution to the world. This card suggests that I already know what these skills and talents are, so I need to ask myself why I’m not putting them to use. I need to figure out what is getting in the way of me drawing on this talent to reach my full potential and what needs to change in order for me to do so. This card is often tied to spiritual journeys as well, meaning that I should use this skill to aid my work in becoming a more connected, spiritually guided person. Is it writing that this card is talking about? Is it photography? Is it something else entirely? I think that my own disbelief in my talents and skills is part of the reason I am not entirely sure of what ability this card is talking about. It couldn’t possibly mean my writing or photography, because those are skills I often don’t believe are good enough to get me anywhere, yet I really want them to. These self-doubts and lack in confidence in my abilities are probably what is getting in my way, what is stopping me from utilizing my full potential, from becoming the person I must birth into existence as highlighted by card three, the Chariot.

           Demeter is the goddess of the fertile earth, of grain, and of all the fruits. Her most famous story is that of losing her daughter Persephone to Hades, the god of the underworld. In her grief, Demeter let the earth die, for she could not care for it while her daughter was away from her. A deal was eventually made that Persephone would be with Demeter 9 months out of the year and with Hades for 3 months, creating winter, the time in which Demeter grieves for her daughter and cannot tend to the earth. What does her story have to teach me, especially when she is reversed? Demeter also represents rage, brought from despair, and turns this rage into a solution to her problem. Her rage brings her daughter back. Maybe this card is also talking about my passion, the passion that I have often been told to tone down throughout my life, the passion that I did tone down, and the rage that I no longer call upon. Do I need to bring this rage and passion back into my life to get the results I need?

           Nine: what will be unearthed and discovered, the outcome as witnessed by the cards (positions 6-3-9 are all linked; to help the unborn potential emerge, a way to think and feel to help the development and the eventual emergence of the butterfly from the worm). The final card, the outcome, is the High Priestess reversed, symbolized by Isis. In reverse the High Priestess suggests that I am not listening to my inner voice, my intuition or my inner truth. My inner self is calling to me and I must find the time to be quiet and listen to her, to trust in her again, to get to know her and bring her toward the surface. I must reconnect through greater confidence in myself and a deep understanding that the answers are already within, that I don’t need validation from others. She represents repressed feelings and an excessive need for approval and validation. She also calls for greater spiritual practice. It is time that I care less about what people think, about whether or not people will believe in me, and start believing in myself. I need to keep reaching toward my inner truth and live it, use it to keep working toward my inner potential, through confidence and self-trust.

           Isis is a great goddess, a very ancient goddess, the goddess of the earth, of the feminine, of creation, of sustenance and protection. Isis represents all that is necessary and beautiful of feminine energy. By not being true to my inner self, I am not being true to the ancients, to the powers that be, to the feminine energy that lives within me. This card feels like the final warning to take the time, to dig deeper, to overcome the obstacles and burdens I carry to become who I need to become.