A leaked message from Martin Heidegger Pty Ltd Online Customer Care:* Like his fashion selections, M

A leaked message from Martin Heidegger Pty Ltd Online Customer Care:*

Like his fashion selections, Martin Heidegger’s ideas are very, very carefully selected to ensure that they do not appeal to a broad customer base. This is something always at the forefront of his mind when undertaking philosophy. The reason for this is to ensure that he only advances ideas which appeal to a very philosophy-forward consumer-as-Dasein. This by default means that the consumer-as-Dasein whom is acclimated to drawing ideas from “philosophy-for-the-masses” type philosophers, is almost frightened by his range. Sometimes, we have found that this type of customer-as-Daseinalmost finds his notions of “thrown projection” funny, and on occasion noted comments such as “it is as valid as Luce Irigaray’s notion that the rigid structure of the male phallic-mind is the reason that we lack fundamental insight into fluid mechanics”.** When we receive comments like this, we like to give ourselves and our intellectual cohorts, a big pat on the back, because we know we are doing our job right, and out modus operandi is being upheld.

Our range of ideas is held by A-list intellectuals such as Jacques Derrida, Slavoj Zizek and Glenn Beck, to name a few. Now, as one might appreciate, the intellectual counsel for these types of intellectuals is not to pick “run-of-the-mill” type arguments, and they do so on the basis to ensure that the arguments are cutting edge, and only propounded by a select few. Similarly, these ideas are designed such that they remain undesirable to the marginalized.

Insofar as our philosophical method goes; Similar to our intellectual offerings, our philosophical cabal is selected with a similar approach. Martin, whom served you, is a qualified philosopher whom has a sixth sense for the true condition of Being-in-the-World, and Martin’s only problem is that he is too good at what he does, and as I am sure you are aware, people whom are talented, generally do not tolerate having their time wasted by members of an inferior race, which is the reason you were provoked to leave the seminar.

Whilst I concede that you work in philosophical enterprise, unfortunately that does not make us like for like. It is probably fair to assume, a lot of what I have said in this exegesis, either does not make sense to you, or you totally disagree with it all, which is what I would expect (unless of course I have you totally wrong - which I doubt). Let me guess, you would never, ever hire Martin in the course of your duty, would you? This is the very reason why your comment “from one philosopher to another” is so disproportionate. It’s almost as though we are in totally different industries. Martin is a philosophical superstar, who possesses unparalleled ability that is both suhandenzeinandvorhandensein, and I am sorry you felt upset by him, but he knew you were not going to embrace his ideas before you were thrown into a universe whose meaning is locked behind ever-spiralling hermeneutic circles.

So if you would like to do us any favours, please do not waste our intellectual staff’s time, because as you have already seen, they will not tolerate it. I am sure there are plenty of philosophers (eg. Hume) that appease your taste, so I respectfully ask that you side step our works during future existential expeditions.

Thank you for your enquiry,

Martin Heidegger Pty Ltd Online Customer Care

* Reference, See: http://dl.dropbox.com/u/6826302/Response.png

** Yes, this is a real argument that was really made. Last I checked, women haven’t solved the Napier-Stokes equations either, but maybe someday!