#3615 my life

This is. A bit weird but. Like I’ve mentioned recently, I’m part of a group of people trying to create a local queer collective. And I’ve learnt some time ago, that one of the members of this collective is aphobic. Like “I don’t feel like saying ‘acephobia’ or ‘arophobia’ because they don’t exist” level of aphobic.

Which is bad enough, and honestly it doesn’t make me want to interact with her because, what an asshole lmao. The problem is, she’s a trans woman. So, it doesn’t feel good to outright dismiss her as an asshole, even though I don’t have the energy to educate her. If I see her and it comes up, I’ll just spam her with sources, whatever.*

Another issue arise though: excl/us/ion/ism, as we all know, is pretty popular among…te/rfs. So, while I don’t want to use up my energy for an aphobe, I can’t help knowing having this kind of bullshit in her head is dangerous for her (also, let’s be honest, it’s really fucking dangerous for the aspec people in her life, but it’s apparently not important to care about us so). So, while my actual main goal in wanting to make her change her mind is, the safety of one particular aroace person I know (they’re close), I’m also genuinely worried she might end up hurting herself because of her wrong beliefs. And I don’t know if showing/explaining to her how te/rfs have popularized aphobia and thrive on it would help? Like, trying to appeal to her own interests at first before getting her to care bout other people and trust/believe us?

I have no idea on if this would work or not. I don’t know her that much, we’ve barely met, and I don’t want to put the work into an aphobe with no garanty that they’ll at least change to be respectful of aspec people. 

So yeah it’s a bit of a complicated situation. Maybe I just shouldn’t care but like I said, there’s this aroace person I care about in this equation. Thoughts?

*On that, I have some pretty convincing studies/reports about acephobia, but not so much about arophobia? I’m thinking about the GLSEN report that is very good for aces, but they didn’t care enoguh about us to survey aro people

We’re making a queer collective for my small city, and to organize we’ve made a discord server. We can invite queer people living nearby to join said server, and recently, a guy joined. A classmate of mine. He’s a chill guy, I really like him, so while he never really came out to me, I was like “noice”. 

And he arrived in the presentation channel “I’m probably somewhere on the aromantic spectrum” and I just. 

I KNEW IT DUDE I FUCKING KNEW IT

Why would you be interested in reading the only published manga about an aromantic character if you were alloro huh. I never asked but of course it’s because you’re arospec. 

I just wanted to talk about relationship anarchy for a minute? Okay context–

I recently met someone who I think is cool and nice to talk to. I’ve met them while they were at a very low point, and I just decided to help them a bit because I could (I knew I could, because I’ve known I’m aro for a while now, and part of their issues was a recent realization that they’re aro). 

I didn’t do “a lot”, just my usual emotional support to soothe them and, when they were okay enough, I did push them a bit so they could rest (which they knew they needed a lot but couldn’t achieve because reasons). We spent the following day together, and got joined by some other people we know. It was a very nice day, just doing non-stressful things, and offering support when sometimes, the problems came back. It was honestly pretty enjoyable for me too, when usually spending a whole day outside will leave me with absolutely no spoon before it even ends, this day I had just enough to get back home safely. And my initial goal was making this person feel better, not particularly having a good day for myself! 

And yet, it was good. Sure, I think I could become friends with this person, and would love it if it happened. But, even if it doesn’t, it won’t change the fact that this day spent together was enjoyable.

I’m so used to doing things for others (and I’m sure a lot of you relate) and worrying about being tossed aside after I’ve helped them, that I’ve now realized it’s been difficult for me to just enjoy things. Because I was always helping people to the point where I was just a recovery tool, I stressed a lot over being efficient and, even more, not being disliked. Because I had invested a lot into these people. But it wasn’t the case here. I hadn’t invested anything, I had just stumbled upon a stressful situation: we had just met the day before!

I didn’t give advice, didn’t even try to, because it wasn’t what they were asking for and, because we didn’t know each other, they couldn’t realistically ask for that: I don’t know anything about their life. And I think this lack of expectation - from both sides - made the enjoyment we had possible.

(Because of the context we met in, we also knew we had the same political values, and were “safe” which definitely helps a lot to have a positive experience. The time spent together was not superficial or anything thanks to that trust. Thought it was worth mentioning)

We’re not close, we’re not even friends. Just two people who met by chance and had a moment. And I think it’s important to value such relationships too. It’s freeing. And yes, maybe sometimes, close relationships can begin that way, which is totally cool! But this kind of experience doesn’t have to lead to a friendship or any kind of more defined relationship. 

I’m not saying I want my life filled with only fleeting moments, because that would be tiring (I’m a spoonie, please don’t ask me too much) but…I’ve realized that I very much desire to have those kinds of passing relationships in my life. They may not be the only thing needed to fulfill what I want out of life, but those kinds of moments are still extremely valuable, and I hope my life will have more of those.