My boyfriend has ADHD and I have Autism and he’ll still be like, “We need to go to the store.” And then two hours later he’s confused that I don’t have shoes on.
Like… You didn’t even say today, let alone a time.
Okay real talk - this is so 100% accurate BUT telling people they need to keep directly telling us to do something puts a lot of emotional labour on them. We want them to be our partners/ friends/ families, not our managers, so we need to find systems for this.
My flatmate and I have started splitting up chores so that we both know what we are each responsible for in a week. We have also set up a time for “flatmate meetings” where we can discuss new chores/ sort out any problems that occurred with chores in the previous week so they don’t happen again etc.
This means that neither of us feel responsible for everything and neither of us feel like we are nagging/ being nagged by the other.
It means we can both be really explicit about things for an hour or two a week and then move on with an equal friendship.
When we first moved in together she got upset with me because I hadn’t realised that she took out the bins for a full 6 months… We have come a long way!
I SO agree on the chores thing bc some chores are not so dopamine-killing for ADHD ppl and we will do them gladly. But I totally disagree with your stance on th emoitonal labor here. Telling people to be direct with their requests is not emotional labor. If anything, making indirect requests is an expectation for someone ELSE to do the emotional labor of realizing you have a need that you didn’t feel like openly expressing.
It’s really really really not optimal communication at all to make indirect requests, and they can be very rude. Example:
The floor needs mopping. Susan stands in the kitchen and says “Wow, somebody needs to clean this floor!” and walks off.
That’s an indirect request. Susan actually has a desire- a need- she wants the floor clean.
But Susan also does not want to take responsibility for it.
That’s okay, but since she’s asking someone else to do it so she doesn’t have to, the mature thing to do is to say “The floor needs to be mopped, can you take care of it, Terra?”
If you want someone to do something for you, you need to be able to make the request directly. Indirect requests are STILL requests except instead of honestly stating a need and respectfully asking the requestee, indirect requests childishly state a need ~in general~ with the covert intent to guilt someone into doing it like some kind of cheap reverse-psychology. It’s manipulative, guys.
It’s considered ‘normal’ enough but a lot of what is considered ‘normal’ isn’t actually healthy.
Making indirect requests is disrespectful and manipulative , an avoidance of stating your own needs, and probably related to fear of rejection.
It’s really not healthy to normalize this to the point of saying that ADHD ppl are asking their NT partners to do emotional labor by using open and HONEST communication. Wtf?
If you want someone to do something for you ASK THEM.
I actually completely agree with you on this and don’t think these two stances are mutually exclusive.
1. If you want someone to do something for you, being clear and not passive aggressive/coded is the most respectful thing to do (and the easiest way to ensure something is done). You can’t get too mad if someone isn’t doing something you need and you just decide to… never mention it? (Who does that help??)
2. Expecting someone to directly ask you to do housework every time it needs to be done in a home that you SHARE is putting unnecessary emotional labour on them. As people who know we tend to need structure we need to be explicit with the people around us about this (preferably before it creates issues).
Divvying up chores with my flatmate actually managed both of these. She let me know the current system was stressing her and suggested a change. I reflected and told her certain chores would be harder for me and would likely lead to me procrastinating but I wanted to make sure we both took on equal responsibilities and were both happy. We then worked together to make a system that meant no one had to ask and no one had to just “work it out” - we knew our chores and they were chores we could both do/were happy with (e.g. I always take out the bins, she always does the horrible, loud vaccuming). We wrote into the system time to talk about it in case it needed tweaking. Good communication and a good system.
Alternatively I recently told my boss that sometimes when she thinks it is obvious that I should just take responsibility for a project I would appreciate her being explicit (e.g. “I expect you to run this project and give it to me to review when it is 90% done”). In return I would ensure everything was done by required deadlines and alert her of any timing issues. This means there are no crossed wires and everyone gets what they want - things getting done without a constant need to check in and worry about it.
We all have some level of responsibility in making our own lives easier and recognising that what is obvious to us isn’t necessarily obvious to others. I thought it was obvious that my boss should give clear direction, she thought being that direct might be offensive or “bossy”. Different people need different things and it is important we are clear with the people around us about the things we need (and ask what they need) to ensure we have productive and positive relationships.
Talking about it and making a kind of agreement put us both on the same page and now there is far less awkwardness and miscommunication.
My boyfriend has ADHD and I have Autism and he’ll still be like, “We need to go to the store.” And then two hours later he’s confused that I don’t have shoes on.
Like… You didn’t even say today, let alone a time.
Okay real talk - this is so 100% accurate BUT telling people they need to keep directly telling us to do something puts a lot of emotional labour on them. We want them to be our partners/ friends/ families, not our managers, so we need to find systems for this.
My flatmate and I have started splitting up chores so that we both know what we are each responsible for in a week. We have also set up a time for “flatmate meetings” where we can discuss new chores/ sort out any problems that occurred with chores in the previous week so they don’t happen again etc.
This means that neither of us feel responsible for everything and neither of us feel like we are nagging/ being nagged by the other.
It means we can both be really explicit about things for an hour or two a week and then move on with an equal friendship.
When we first moved in together she got upset with me because I hadn’t realised that she took out the bins for a full 6 months… We have come a long way!
