For many years I would say “it’s my job/role/function as a Dominant to do X,” until a dear friend set me straight recently: “The word you’re looking for is Responsibility.” It was one of those moments where so many things fell neatly into place by simply finding the right word. And what a powerful word it is, a word with iron in it, but sadly a word that does not receive nearly the attention it deserves in the D/s world. There is an entire generation of Dominants (and their Submissives) who do not understand the deep and serious implications of that simple word, “Responsibility.”
i think a lot of this can be attributed (not just on Tumblr, but in the D/s world at large) to the strong focus on the Submissive. In many respects, the D/s world shares the mindset so common in porn films: “It’s all about the girl.” The strong focus on the Submissive — her needs, her heart, her act of submission itself — is a good and right thing; new Submissives of all ages need the context and the information in order to make intelligent, informed decisions about their nature and activities. But the implicit (and all too often, explicit) assumption is that the Dominant somehow magically “just knows” what’s expected of him. The Dominant is self-sufficient, wise, Olympian, and unerring in his understanding of who and what he is, and how to treat his Submissive. Dominants are the archetypal lone wolf; indeed, “Wolf” as a synonym for “Dominant” was a word already sanctified by long use back when I first entered the life decades ago. Dominants do not need advice, they do not need guidance, they do not need to even think very much about how D/s works. A Dominant simply accepts the submission of his Submissive and that’s the end of it.
It’s all a lie.
Because the one thing that never gets talked about — Responsibility — is a deep, unconditional, and abiding thing, the thing that, more than anything else, is at the very heart of what it means to be a Dominant. A Dominant who doesn’t feel the truth of this deep in his bones is a very dangerous man who can do so much damage (emotional, psychological, and physical) to someone who offers him the gift of unconditional submission. Responsibility is the thing that is owed to the Submissive, the moderating and protective influence in the D/s power exchange. When a Submissive offers the gift of her submission to a Dominant, she is saying in effect: “I am putting myself, my body, my soul, and the burden of my freedom, into your hands. In return, I expect you to protect me, guide me, direct me, comfort me, protect me, and above all respect and cherish me.” This is the heart of Responsibility, and the “burden” the Dominant shoulders and carries; sometimes with enormous effort and strength of will, but always with a proper mindfulness that Responsibility is, in effect, his reason for existence.
Dominants can act irresponsibly in so many ways, most often without even being aware of it. This makes them dangerous ….
If you are only present for your Submissive when times are good, then you do not understand your Responsibility and you are a danger to your lady.
If you are expecting a quid pro quo — if you expect anything from your Submissive except for her submission for all the work you put in stepping up to your Responsibility — then you do not understand your Responsibility and you are a danger to your lady.
If you think it’s only about your sexual responsibilities — maintenance discipline and the like — then you do not understand your Responsibility and you are a danger to your lady.
If you think that your responsibility only extends to the big, dramatic things — if you do not understand that being present for your Submissive after a rough day at the office is every bit as important as providing her with discipline and orgasms — then you do not understand your Responsibility and you are a danger to your lady.
If Responsibility feels like a burden rather than the ultimate expression of your bone-deep need to protect and guide and cherish your Submissive, then you do do not understand your Responsibility and you are a danger to your lady.
Above all, if you think that being a Dominant is something you DO rather than something you ARE, then you do not understand your Responsibility and you are a danger to your lady.
But if you understand that Responsibility is at the core of your love for your Submissive, and that Responsibility permeates every aspect of your being together, then I can promise you this: you will feel a quiet joy and sense of loving satisfaction in being the “responsible adult” that is a feeling like no other.
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Devotional Training: Responsibility Is at the heart of the True Dom.
My boyfriend has ADHD and I have Autism and he’ll still be like, “We need to go to the store.” And then two hours later he’s confused that I don’t have shoes on.
Like… You didn’t even say today, let alone a time.
Okay real talk - this is so 100% accurate BUT telling people they need to keep directly telling us to do something puts a lot of emotional labour on them. We want them to be our partners/ friends/ families, not our managers, so we need to find systems for this.
My flatmate and I have started splitting up chores so that we both know what we are each responsible for in a week. We have also set up a time for “flatmate meetings” where we can discuss new chores/ sort out any problems that occurred with chores in the previous week so they don’t happen again etc.
This means that neither of us feel responsible for everything and neither of us feel like we are nagging/ being nagged by the other.
It means we can both be really explicit about things for an hour or two a week and then move on with an equal friendship.
When we first moved in together she got upset with me because I hadn’t realised that she took out the bins for a full 6 months… We have come a long way!
“Responsibility is… based on minimal cognitive and volitional competence. Thus, an actor who lacks such competence is not responsible, does not deserve punishment, and cannot justly be punished.”
“Causation is not an excuse, however, for all behaviour is caused. If causation were an excuse, no one would ever be held responsible for any behaviour… Causation is not the issue; nonculpable lack of rationality and compulsion is.”
— S J Morse, “Excusing the Crazy: The Insanity Defense Reconsidered” (1985)
“Have I taught my son/daughter to be responsible enough?” If you have children its a question that I know has crossed your mind several times. In a world where online bullying, catfishing, and cruel memes can get out of hand it is more important than ever to teach kids to be responsible as soon as you can. Especially when most two-year-olds can operate a cell…
Η αγαπημένη μου Θεία, εικαστικός Σταματίνα Ντούτσουλη & δημιουργός του λογότυπου της OKIRÒI, αγκαλιάζοντας τη φιλανθρωπική προσπάθεια της CREAID, φιλοτεχνεί μια εξαίρετη δημιουργία, παντρεύοντας ιδιόμορφα συνώνυμες έννοιες όπως της μόδας, της τέχνης και του αισθήματος κοινωνικής ευθύνης.
My beloved aunt, #Artist Stamatina Doutsoulis, #creator of #OKIRÒI #logo, embracing the #CREAID #charity #project, creates an #exceptional #totebag, combining singularly synonymous concepts of #fashion, #art and #social #responsibility.
Image description: A still image from the 90’s TV sitcom Saved By The Bell. Zack is in the locker room holding a microphone to his mouth. He is carrying recording equipment, and he is addressing a girl with a hand on her hip, a look of disbelief on her face (interpretation of scene my own). The caption reads, “White people benefit from the privileges accrued from racist exploitation, past and present, and are therefore accountable for changing and transforming white supremacy and racism.”
It was because he wanted there to be conspirators. It was much better to imagine men in some smoky room somewhere, made mad and cynical by privilege and power, plotting over the brandy. You had to cling to this sort of image, because if you didn’t then you might have to face the fact that bad things happened because ordinary people, the kind who brushed the dog and told their children bedtime stories, were capable of then going out and doing horrible things to other ordinary people. It was so much easier to blame it on Them. It was bleakly depressing to think that They were Us. If it was Them, then nothing was anyone’s fault. If it was Us, what did that make Me? After all, I’m one of Us. I must be. I’ve certainly never thought of myself as one of Them. No one ever thinks of themselves as one of Them. We’re always one of Us. It’s Them that do the bad things.
And suddenly it dawned on the late Windle Poons that there was no such thing as somebody else’s problem, and that just when you thought the world had pushed you aside it turned out to be full of strangeness. He knew from experience that the living never found out half of what was really happening, because they were too busy beingthe living. […]
It was the living who ignored the strange and wonderful, because life was too full of the boring and the mundane. But it wasstrange. It had things in it like screws that unscrewed themselves, and little written messages for the dead.
