#akaashi keji
I don’t watch this show but my little cousin asked me to draw them
aka fics i cried over.
hey lads. it’s been a while. so i return with sad stuff! that says a lot about my mental state probably. oh i started uni and it’s been awful. cold pizza is shockingly good. anyway. these are all gonna be angst with a happy ending cause i’m weak and don’t like characters to be sad forever. there’s gotta be a resolution. or maybe some sickly sweet fluff. it’ll be a fun surprise. just read the tags.
sad bois away!
SakuAtsu
The Story of Us by thesweetestnerd
a classic, i know. if you’ve been around for a while you’ve probably at least heard of this one. or i’m biased. anyway it’s a great read. i’ve reread it like five times and i cry every time. i bet you two crisp high fives you’ll cry too.
Do I dare disturb the universe? by han_ying
have you ever wondered what a different choice would make your life like? have you ever been offered a cookie by a small orange man? no? well kiyoomi gives it a go. take a hard look at your life after this one.
Quarantine conversations by lettersinpetals
hey covid coping mechanism! how about you incorporate realism! you’d think spending all day every day with someone you love would be heaven yeah? well. sometimes people are emotionally constipated. i’m looking at you kiyoomi. this is a call out post.
When Atsumu Thinks About Love by GlitchyCookie
stress stress stress and feeling left behind. all things weddings bring. dances are also things that happen at weddings. so do kisses. took my heart out and put it in a bag with broken glass. at least it was polished at the end.
a soft place to call home (series) by yee_haw23
it’s so funny to me someone called yee_haw23 can deliver such and emotionally devastating series of fics. the one’s about loss and loneliness really get me can you tell. but yeah. being alone is never fun especially when it’s rubbed in your face.
Bound by internetpistol
not a bondage fic. shockingly. it is about being bound to someone and something though. and about fate. how something is bound to happen based on your decisions.
IwaOi
Ruin the Friendship by thesweetestnerd
some things were made to be messed up. like finger paint, tissues, and socks after a long day. what’s important to know is that messing something up is not the end of it, but a change of its’ shape.
Desperado by Verbrennung
hey kid you wanna read a heist au? what about a getting back together fic? yeah? yeah i got you. crime and love what a perfect combination. honestly, this is one of my personal favourites like ever. i cannot recommend this one enough. i may have also made a playlist inspired by it and if anyone wants it simply ask.
please disregard my house of cards (built from mistakes) by rekamohcs
softish. gratuitous plant imagery. shenanigans and tomfoolery. and it’s a university au. what more could you ask for. this fic gets a big fuzzy hug from me. and it made me feel things that weren’t necessarily sadness but made me cry nonetheless.
AsaNoya
Vienna Waits For You by Pouler (poulerslashes)
emotionally destroyed me. do not read if you’re not looking to be sad for a few days. or a few hours. depends on how fast you read but the aftermath is certainly long. loss is hard, but sometimes things aren’t as far as you’d think.
BokuAka
Behind Bricks by DeathBelle
it’s been around for a while but still gets me. prostitute au. sometimes plans get changed, for better or for worse. and sometimes things simply fall into place.
Rules by ConesOfDunshire
also a fan favourite. it’s me i’m fan. i just cannot get over positive depictions of autism. like. it’s not that hard but they went off in this one. do i cry? yeah. sometimes i remember this and go back and read a section of it. it’s not just a fic it’s an investment.
the strange music of your heart by caniculeo
someone’s gotta fall first. who better than akaashi? bokuto is unsure. they work it out. i would like to pack this fic a lunch, give it a little kiss on the forehead, and send it off to school.
DaiSuga
Black and Blue by MTrash (Makaria)
so first things first this fic has references to abuse so note that down. secondly, everyone lives in the same building but it’s a very gay building. thirdly, yeah i cried reading it sue me. this is my sad fic rec list.
Just Another by Mooifyourecows
so moo is actually a favourite of mine, and if you’re in the market for daisuga content, they have a lot. i love me a good unrequited-love-but-not-actually-it-just-took-some-figuring-out and also emotional constipation breakthrough fic.
Misery’s Company by Mooifyourecows
i wasn’t lying about loving their content. so take another. but this one has a clever plan that may or may not work. sometimes relationships don’t work and sometimes you gotta fuck with everything to get everything right.
i for sure have more but i don’t wanna put everything on one lest i overwhelm you. i realize some of the descriptions/reviews sound like tarot/oracle card meanings and i have nothing to say to that. i wrote this whole shebang in one go where the other ones can take days to months. maybe i’m procrastinating studying for exams. i hope you enjoy reading them as much as i did. and feel free to request more. i’ll get around to it eventually.
go forth and read my dears.
as requested!
i have many.
once again, all fics are from ao3. also, if you know the author’s blog, feel free to link it / tag them.
IwaOi
bad coffee and lemon bars by abillionstars
where iwa works at karasuno’s coffe + bakery and oikawa has horrific taste in drinks. short n sweet.
catch it don’t curve it by meruemsthighs
oikawa has way too much confidence but iwa delivers.
I Know When You’re Around (’Cause I Know the Sound of Your Heart) by Verbrennug
oikawa has no chill, daichi is there, and iwa is a mysterious stranger.
BokuAka
tea-stained polaroids by dalyeau
literally so cute. i took this opportunity to reread it. akaashi is a photography student and bo works at the coffee shop. 12/10 would recommend.
he plays bass by akaashmeoutside
notreally a coffee shop au, but they do technically meet at one. it’s more of a band au, and a really fricken good one at that. highly recommend.
SakuAtsu
the way to a man’s heart is through his gluten-intolerant stomach by vaporstretch
sakusa can’t eat gluten and atsumu has something to prove. prickly bastards unite.
you make my heart burn by myhopeisjhope
get ready for some snark! gotta love some good banter and insults.
i keep a window for you, it’s always open by volchitsae
sakusa is a barista by day, asmr youtuber by night. atsumu has feelings. there’s a part 2 from sakusa’s pov too!
|| PAIRING || - - - Kenma Kozume x Female Reader
|| GENRE || - - - Angst, Fluff
|| WARNING || - - - Angst, Breakup, Cheating, Mental Anguish, thoughts caused by Depression, Implications of suicide
WC:3k
masterlist
prologue–>I –> II
AN: Oh god this took so long :’D But I hope you enjoy XD. Taglists are OPEN! Please send an ASK or DM! Reblogs are appreciated :D
It was an odd feeling. The feeling in which you were feeling so much, it felt like you weren’t feeling at all. Your eyes were glazed as you stared aimlessly around the room. Two days stuck in a room filled with beeping monitors and unorganized wires were enough to make even the calmest of people go mad. Your eyes had become to the oddly tinted light that hung over your head from the ceiling, a light shade of yellow flashing of the clean white of the monitors. It wasn’t an interesting room, with simple walls with pink and yellow swirls trailing in a simple line. The plastic rose-tinted curtain flustered as people walked across the hallway, busy and working. You felt… You didn’t know what you felt. If you felt anything at all. The only feeling that confirmed your pathetic existence was the soft beating of your heart; the sound echoing loudly amidst the chaos outside.
A soft quiet ring made your heart jump, almost missing a beat. Your phone rang its usual tone, a signal that often had your hopes riding up. You stretch, reaching awkwardly to grab your phone, the buzzing becomes unbearably annoying in your pulsing head. Your fingers swiped, quickly tapping your password in as you settled back against the soft, white pillow. Several notifications caught your eye, a few from personal messages, several from some emails and a few from Twitch notifications. Dark bolded letters threw themselves at your face.
Kodzuken is now streaming.
You hesitated to click it, quickly deciding to check later, if only to save the heartache that would ignite. Instead, you scrolled through your contacts, a quiet battle echoing in your head.
It had been two days since you had been admitted and the doctor had not asked for you to say. A sure sign that today would indeed be the day you would be allowed to leave the hospital. Flutters of letters melted into a thin layer of black text as you furiously scrolled through your phone. Your fingers stopped, hovering over Kenma’s contact. Something like anguish boiled in your stomach as you decided against the selfish, useless act. Kenma wouldn’t pick up anyway. You knew that from the weeks upon weeks of naive calls and voicemails.
Your heart pounded, a familiar pain arising in your head at the thought of messaging Kenma. At the thought of even asking for help. It hurt. It hurt much more than you would like to admit. Your eyes fluttered shut, painfully gripping your phone.
Although that wasn’t much of a help. Closing your eyes, submitting yourself to the darkness that continued to swarm in your head, only made your heart hurt more. Darkness, although your old friend in your few moments of extreme darkness, was not a being you opened your arms to.
“Ms.L/N?”
Panicked, you opened your eyes, your back awkwardly straightening as small stars appeared in your sight.
“Your vitals are…okay.” Blue orbs attached to your skin, tracing the too-thin arm that clutched a phone. To the too-thin face gazing with an inert gaze.
“I suppose that’s good,” you muttered, eyes flickering from the intense gaze to the nurse that watched you with an odd emotion morphing on her face.
“Your blood sugar is just fine, but it’s on the lower side of average,” she glanced at the clipboard in her arms, tucking a strand of pale blonde hair behind her ear. “You’ll have to come back later to do another checkup to see if you need to be put on any medications.”
You nodded, slowly.
“And although you have passed the majority of your physical assessments, you should come in for some mental assessments as well.” Doctor Kioka bit her lip staring at you, eyes swarming with a dull emotion.
“Dr.Kioka?” the nurse suddenly spoke up, a flustered expression overlapped the odd emotion that had been placed on her face.
“Yes?”
“We haven’t…” she stuttered over her words as if none could come to mind. You stared at her mindlessly.
“We need to ask a few questions, for the records,” she motioned behind her. You peered at the seemingly abandoned hallway.
“Yes, of course.” Dr.Kioka cleared her throat, looking back at you. She nodded to the nurse. “5 minutes.”
The nurse merely gave a solemn nod, looking at the ground as she passed by, closing the curtains swiftly.
“Hello there,” there was a youthful glow in the nurse’s eye. The sort of glow of a healthy, happy woman. Her doe-like eyes were a deep, rich brown. The colour of a well-fertilized soil enriched with nutrients and love. Pure-black curtains of hair were wrapped into a small bun on the top of her head, small strands of flyaway hair framing her otherwise chubby face. Her plump lips were tinted a light pink, upturning at the corners as she gave you a small smile, sitting on a white chair to the right of you.
She was beautiful.
And happy.
A pure, stark contrast to your imperturbable features.
You hated the feeling in your stomach. That rotting feeling of envy that burst like a volcano in your stomach.
“My name’s Tenshi.” her eyes flickered all over your face, seemingly waiting for a response.
You were forced to swallow the venomous, coated words that threatened to spill from your tongue.
“Hi.”
“I’m going to ask you a few questions, okay? You don’t have to answer, just do what makes you comfortable.”
It took everything in your power to grip the leash on your tongue. It felt wrong. This feeling of envy. Of hatred. She was merely doing her job.
You stared into her eyes.
She flinched at whatever she saw there. Maybe it was the leashed envy. Or maybe the growing dissatisfaction.
But she still kept the smile, albeit a little duller.
“Let me know if you want to stop,” she said calmly, raising a clipboard in her hand, resting it on her leg. She reached into her pocket, quickly grabbing a pen as she leaned back in the chair.
“How are you feeling?” her inquisitive eyes stared at you, pen in hand.
“Good.”
You felt like hell. Pure utter hell. It was a common misconception, you thought. Hell was not the fury of fire, the continuous echoing of screams. Hell was the continuous murmurs in your head. The screaming that happened in your body. It was a pure silence that still seemed to settle. A silence that only made you want to scream more.
She scribbled down your response, neither adding to your response nor asking for you to expand.
“Are you aware of why you’re here?”
Her eyes flickered from the paper to your face and quickly back to the paper, noting down whatever she had seen on your face.
“Yes.”
Of course, you knew why you were here. You were still deciding if it was a blessing or a curse.
“Why are you here?”
Because you were a fool in love, blind by the false facade of hearts of intimacy.
“I got hurt.”
Your face burned. In shame. In embarrassment.
She threw you a sympathetic smile.
“We’re almost done with just a few more questions.”
You nodded.
“Sometimes people feel that life is not worth living. Can you tell me how you feel about your own life?”
You flinched. It was the first time anyone at the hospital had even brushed the subject. All your other nurses had merely thrown you pitiful glances. The doctor that oversaw you had been sly enough to avoid talking about the real reason you were here.
You shrugged.
“I dunno.”
The nurse nodded, scribbling onto her paper once more.
“Do you find yourself wishing for a permanent escape from life?”
You only gripped at the edges of the bed. Your chest heaved as you forced yourself to breathe.
Breathe.
In and out.
In.
Out.
But it was so hard.
It hurt.
It hurt so much.
You had stalled reliving that night. It was something that you couldn’t do. Not if you wanted to keep that one small piece in your broken heart alive. To make sure you did not throw away the second chance of life you had gotten but not asked for.
You had tried to throw that memory in the ever-growing pile of hurt and sorrow you had in the back of your head.
You were a coward. A woeful, wretched one at that.
“Ms.Y/N?”
“No response.”
Your heart contracted, your muscles tightening around your chest as you took in a shaky breath. Your breathing was erratic as you held back the tears that threatened to flood.
“That’s okay,” she softly said, leaning towards you, resting a gloved hand on your arm. You jerked your hand back at the sympathetic touch.
“I don’t need your pity.” you snarled, ignoring the churning guilt that settled in your stomach as her doe eyes widened. Her smile flickered.
“Okay,” she averted her eyes, deigning to stare at the paper.
“I have one more question if that’s okay with you,” she watched as you hesitantly nodded.
“Do you think or feel this way presently?”
“This way?”
“Whatever you felt or thought that led to this.” she motioned to the hospital room. To the bruises scattered over your skin.
“No.”
Lie.
And she must have seen it too. The emotion that had begun to swarm in your eyes. The blatant lie that you internally hoped she wouldn’t question.
You let out a sigh as she nodded, scribbling furiously before giving you a quick smile. She stood up, tapping the clipboard with a pen.
“Thank you for your time, Ms.Y/N.” she bowed slightly before leaving the room.
You watched as she paused, quickly turning around.
“Dr.Kioka will be with you in a few moments.”
You didn’t even nod, instead of going back to your phone, eyes intently watching the black screen as you waited for her to leave the room.
You waited to hear the soft noise of the curtains crinkling and the rhythmic sound of footsteps before you looked up from your phone.
The boiling pot of envy and hatred never ceased to bubble and brew in your stomach.
✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧
Dr.Kioka had popped in for a few minutes only to tell you the good news that you were now allowed to leave.
You merely nodded, eyes glancing to your phone, still without any notifications. You had requested that you stayed until night if only to give you more time to figure out what you would do.
You could call a taxi, despite the medium risk that would provide. Though it did seem more reliable than the one person you should have called. The one person that you should have relied on. Although maybe that was a reach, seeing that the commitments had ceased the day he had asked for a breakup.
That day was another memory shoved into the depths of your dark head.
You mindlessly scrolled through your contacts, most were people you haven’t talked to in ages. Or people, former friends, you had fallen out with. It would be a blow to the last shreds of dignity that you still desperately grasped onto.
Doubt was heavy on your shoulders as your fingers on a name that had caught your eyes several times.
You shouldn’t have been second-guessing yourself. Your heart shouldn’t have collapsed as you opened the forgotten DMS. Your fingers shouldn’t have been trembling as you typed in a few words. But it did. It all happened.
You gulped, eyes boring holes into the flashing luminescent screen. At the words itching to be sent.
I’m out of the hospital.
You took in a deep breath before hitting send. You immediately shut down your phone chucking across the bed. You watched sadly as it rested against your ankles.
You rested your body on your elbows, ignoring the digging pain in your back as you rested uncomfortably against the metal bed frame.
Your heart was thumping erratically as you waited for a ring from your phone. Even now…after all those unanswered texts and calls and voicemails, a small part of you hoped that he would reach out, to grab your flailing desperate hand.
A sudden buzz against your ankle made you jerk, your arms lunging for your phone.
You closed your eyes, muttering a small prayer before peering down at the screen. Your heart almost burst at the name that lingered in your notification scream.
Kenma.
You gulped. Fingers shaking as you opened his message. You didn’t have any expectations, but it was hard to not want a kind, warm message. But the voice in your screamed the opposite.
“Of course,” you chuckled humorlessly.
Of course.
What else should you have expected? You laughed at how the darkness in your soul knew Kenma better than you could have ever known him.
He might as well have slapped you in the face. A physical slap would have a wound you could treat. But there was no ointment to cure your cracking heart. Not as you looked at the indifferent word that popped up on your screen.
Okay.
Okay what, you thought spitefully as you swiped out of the message, leaving him on reading.
Not that he would realize. Or care.
Another buzz made you stop. Your face morphing into one of confusion. A number popped on your screen, the message making the hair down your spine prick up.
Y/N, come out.
It creeped you out. Of course, it did. And maybe it was the broken heart in you that earned for conversation or that brash part of you that didn’t care about what could happen. But you opened the message, spamming the question mark button.
It took a mere second for the unknown to reply.
I’m here to pick you up?
It sounded as if the person was just as confused as you.
Wrong number. You typed back.
This is Y/N L/N, right? It’s Akashi Keji.
“Oh,” your mouth popped open. Both at the immediate response. And the fact that the unknown number was Akaashi Keji.
TheAkaashi Keji.
A shameful blush coated your cheeks as you quickly typed back.
Sorry, Akaashi. I don’t think I added your contact name.
You groaned, dropping your phone to rub your bloodshot eyes.
I’m right out of the hospital Y/N if you would like to come.
You could almost feel the smug smirk that was surly spreading on his face.
Okay.
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There were many things you had lost in your last years of high school. One of those many things had been your friend from out of Nekoma. And yet, in the few years, you hadn’t had a conversation with most of them, you still managed to check-in, in your way. You were following the MBSY Twitter page, where Bokuto spontaneously posted. Akaashi’s natural tendency to shy away from the spotlight made it a bit more difficult, but you had managed to catch a glimpse of him now and then. Usually in other girls’ pictures, with a calm smile plastered on his face.
But seeing him right now. Face to face underneath the pale light of nightlights. It was a straight kick to the guts. His black hair had grown, curling behind his ears. His gemstone eyes glimmered underneath the faint light. But it was the smile that had caught you off guard. His lips had curved into a blissfully happy one, bringing around him that youthful glow you had seen around that one nurse.
You clutched your stomach at the nauseating feelings curling in your stomach, against your will.
“L/N, long time no talk.” he offered a hand as he opened a car door. You nodded to him, ignoring the outstretched hand as you carefully sat in the car. He didn’t say anything as he closed the passenger side door, before quickly going to the other side. His hand hovered over your own, before immediately landing on the black tinted hand gear.
“So,” he peeked a quick look at you, before pressing gently on the accelerator.
“So,” you repeated, leaning against the window, the cool touch of glass cooling down the fiery emotions in your stomach. He didn’t respond, merely humming gently.
The quiet that rested in the car was different from the one in the hospital. Here, in this car, you could force your raising thoughts to rest. Here, you could breathe. Although you couldn’t tell if that was a good thing or not.
“Do you have your address?” he asked, eyes not leaving the empty roads, glistening with the late-night dew.
“It’s that one apartment complex next to the river valley,” you answered, eyes flickering around the car.
“Nice car.” It came out drier than you expected.
“Thanks.” He paused before asking, “How are you?”
You were quiet. It was a question you knew that was coming. A question you knew that you couldn’t answer and wouldn’t answer.
“It’s…” you paused.
It’s bad.
Life sucks.
I want to–
“It’s good.” you quickly said. Akaashi gave a soft hum.
“How’s Kenma?”
“Good.”
“Is good your favourite word,” he teased, a smile slowly arising on his lips.
You couldn’t even force yourself to smile as he did.
“Yea.”
“You live pretty close to the hospital.”
It wasn’t a question so you didn’t respond.
“10 minutes, nice,” he said to no one in particular.
“Why…” you wanted to say something. To ask him why he showed up. Why did he even bother to act as he cared at all? Why…just why.
“Yes?” his eyebrows curved, framing the sharp angles of his face.
“Nothing,” you hastily muttered, a mixture of dread and relief pooling in your stomach as you caught sight of the familiar buildings and signs.
“This it?” he asked, motioning to the apartment buildings huddled together.
You nodded, fingers trembling as you undid your seatbelt.
“Y/N,” Akaashi called as you tumbled out of the silver car. You looked back, playing with the edges of the case on your phone.
“Put my name with my number this time,” he chuckled as you embarrassingly shut the door muttering small assurances. You watched as the silver car drove away, red lights contrasting the dim yellow lights of the nearby buildings.
You looked at the apartments, at the white one you should have called home. Staring into the distance, eyes glazing as you looked at the river valley wondering when you could ever call anything or anyone home.
Taglist: ( if it’s bolded i can not tag you)
@eemyr @captainchrisstan@na-haruka
