“eating instant ramen again, ken?” you throw out a rhetorical question at your boyfriend, who was preoccupied on the new game you noticed he downloaded on his phone some several nights ago.
he hums absentmindedly to acknowledge your unexpected yet welcomed presence in their living room — one of his parents must’ve let you in. kozume kenma wants to give you a hug (and maybe more) but right now he had to finish the level that he worked hard to reach that’s playing currently in his screen. he shaped up his character and enhanced their skills continuously throughout the week for this reason, and that was to beat the final boss so he could open a new chapter in the story.
“this is the third consecutive time you’ve eaten this, ken. are you not worried?”
“if it’s delicious, i don’t mind not being healthy.”
kenma hears you snort and sees you pick up the utensils and noodle cups he used to eat earlier. he instantly focuses on the battle when he hears his character take damage but resumed conversing with you.
“(y/n), don’t clean it up. i can do it myself after i finish this.”
“and wait until your mom sees this mess?”
“just let her scold me then.”
he’s not surprised when you don’t listen to his words and continue with fixing their kitchen table. he can see you moving a lot in his peripheral vision. you’re placing the dishes in the sink, putting the trash in the bin, wiping the surface from any mess and pulling your sleeves up to ready with washing.
“(y/n), i seriously won’t forgive you. i said, i’ll do it later.”
you notice kenma’s tone go lower, an apparent indication of a warning. it’s not as if it’s the first time he’s acting stern with you so you still paid him no mind. you know when he’s genuinely mad and this isn’t that.
“it’s okay, ken. no pressure! i’m doing this because i want to.”
when he doesn’t respond, you looked back to see him furrowing his eyebrows, expressing annoyance as he ruthlessly taps on his phone. you shrugged and then proceeded to wash the dirty plates and utensils. this goes on for a few minutes until you stopped when kenma groans in frustration.
“so uhmm i’m guessing you didn’t win?”
“…no.”
“well i’m sure you’ll succeed next time.”
he stands up from the couch and sluggishly went to you. in your peripheral vision you see your boyfriend giving you a deadpan look probably because you ignored what he just told you. you give him a closed eye smile and crunch your nose in hopes that he understands that you’re really fine with helping him with his chores plus you wanted kenma to think you were cute so he would let you off easily.
it seems to have worked because kenma positions himself behind you and wrapped his arms around your waist, burrowing his nose on your neck and inhaling the light perfume you know he likes on you.
“i don’t want you spoiling me too much…”
your boyfriend mumbles that you almost couldn’t catch what he had said (you can practically imagine that tiny pout he does). you laugh and playfully pushed him back with your weight as you replied,
“why? you scared you’ll be dependent on me and need me forever?”
“am not scared of that. i need you forever no matter what. just don’t want you to overwork yourself with things i can do on my own.”
it’s a great thing your boyfriend couldn’t see you, you swear you were making weird faces from the way you were stopping yourself from outright giggling. he takes calming intakes of air and exhales deeply, a telltale sign of him wanting to nap. as if on cue, kenma asks you if you’re done and you answered with a nod of your head.
he helps you dry your hands and led you to his room after. kenma made sure to massage your fingers when you both plopped down on his bed. you invite him in your arms knowing he favors being the little spoon when he’s exhausted from gaming too much. he leans more to you when you start untangling the small knots that formed in his hair and brushing it neatly.
you gaze at kenma’s face to see him begining to doze off. you booped his nose and he opens his eyes to gaze at you softly. you see him smile slightly and pushed himself up a bit so he can give the overdue welcome kiss he wanted to give you since the moment you came waltzing in their living room.
“i l-word you.”
kenma whispers when he parts from you. you couldn’t stop the giggle this time around as you rolled your eyes at him.
“you’re such a dork,”
you then cup his face and grin.
“but you’re my dork so i l-word you too.”
he recaptures your lips with his and for a moment, kenma figured tiredness can take him later.
he would relish first this precious bit with you.
notes— don’t actually know if kenma lives with both of his parents but for the sake of the fic he does
it was unexpected when you had found out you were pregnant. even more unexpected when your boyfriend kenma agreed to help raise the baby. despite living apart at the moment, the two of you had a baby girl, just shy of seven months now. it wasn’t that you two were broken up or you didn’t want to live together, it was just difficult finding a house that could fit you three and afford with both incomes. at the moment, your daughter stayed between houses every few weeks, mainly at yours but this weekend she was with kenma.
you clicked away through your files on your laptop as you glanced at the house site tab every so often. letting out a sigh, as you go to call your boyfriend, he was already calling you on discord on his pc.
“hi bubs,” you smile at your boyfriend on the computer screen. “and hi pumpkin.” greeting your daughter, who was gnawing on kenma’s hoodie strings as she lay flush against his shoulder. her hands barely wave as she sniffles and chews. her hair is messily done pigtails, one drooping more than the other.
“love,” he sighs, playing with her fingers as he bounces her on his leg. “can you come get her?”
“why? what’s wrong?” you tilt your head. “was she crying?”
“i- yeah but i- she wouldn’t stop crying today,” kenma pinches the bridge of his nose. your daughter looks up at him, gripping his hoodie to get his attention. “and she pooped all over the bed so i don’t know what to do or why she doesn’t feel good.”
“she’s probably teething, that’s why she’s biting your clothes,” you gesture. she turns slightly to the screen, whispering small noises as she looks at you. “she chews on my hand when she goes to bed because her pacifier isn’t enough for her.”
“oh,” he looks at your daughter in defeat. you watch as he carefully pulls up her lips to expose four teeth creeping up in the front. she winces as he counts the teeth with the pads of his fingers. “she has four now.”
“four!? she’s growing up too fast. she had three last week,” you pout. “if she’s still hurting, rub her gums and if it’s too much for her, you can give her the tylenol in her bag.”
“well, me and stinkie are gonna go take a bath,” he says lifting her up, making her giggle at the motion. she reaches for his face, grinning down at her dad. “say bye to mama.”
she opens and closes her hand towards the screen, babbling softly. “bye bubby, bye pumpkin. mwah, mwah, i’ll come over tonight so i can sleep over m'kay?”
the call ends and kenma looks at his daughter as she drools down her onesie. “okay stinkers, you do need a bath.” he carries her to the bedroom, setting her down on the middle of the bed.
“baba?” she babbled. she pats her hands below her as she watched kenma place down new clothes and a fresh diaper. she picks up the items, giggling as bath time is her favorite.
“yes, baby, babas,” he agrees. “hopefully, mama and i can live together soon so i don’t need to call her every time you cry.” he squishes her cheek softly as she looks at him in awe. he lays beside her momentarily as she crawls over to him.
she reaches up to tug his hair, her way of asking for kisses. kenma lifts her up and peppers her face with kisses, pulling away only for her to lean into his cheek. she nibbles and drools onto him, making him cringe at the feeling. “okay stinkie, now we both are going babas, you gremlin.”
— With Kodzuken’s fans speculating about his relationship status, his friends start shipping him with Y/n. Falling in love is a three step plan, right?
— With Kodzuken’s fans speculating about his relationship status, his friends start shipping him with Y/n. Falling in love is a three step plan, right?
It was dark by the time the two of you ended the livestream. It hadn’t seemed like you’d been streaming that long, but hours had passed before either of you’d realized that.
“Finally over.” Kenma’s voice was rough when he spoke, maybe from his lack of sleep or the fact that he’d been talking for hours now.
“Yeah,” You said with a smile. You stood up from the chair and stretched, Kenma following suit soon after.
“We can order take out if you want, too tired to cook right now.”
He looked so worn out, and even though you were too, you wondered if he’d gotten any sleep the previous night. Fatigue was written all over his face, etched in the dark circles under his eyes and the flutter of his eyelids as he struggled to keep his eyes open.
“I should get home actually, it’s getting… well it’s dark out.”
Kenma hummed at that, looking towards his bedroom window as though the dark room didn’t give the time away.
In fact, the only light in the room was that coming from his monitors. And with the white outline that traced one side of his face and his features, you couldn’t help but notice how pretty he was.
“You can stay here if you want to. You don’t exactly live close to me, it’ll be easier.” He said.
“You don’t mind?”
“Nah, but you’re paying for dinner.”
━━━━━━━━
“You can take the bed, the couch is comfy.” Kenma said, walking over and grabbing one of the pillows off of his bed.
“It’s your house. If the couch is so comfy, I can sleep there.”
Kenma frowned at you. As much as he would like to act as though he didn’t care, he’d feel guilty sleeping on the bed. Especially when you were sleeping on the couch… unless you didn’t have to sleep there.
“Fine, then we share the bed.”
“What?”
“Unless you want to admit defeat and take the couch?” He asked, a playful smile appearing on his lips.
You narrowed your eyes at him and snatched the pillow from his hand. You put it back down on the bed and crawled under the sheets, the warmth around you already putting you to sleep.
“Dumbass,” Kenma said, lovingly. “are you going to sleep in your day clothes?”
You were about to say that yes, you were, but he was already pulling a pair of his sweatpants out of his drawer.
“Put these on, I have a shirt too if you want that. I’m not sleeping in the same bed as you if you’re gonna wear that to bed.”
“Admitting defeat?”
He narrowed his eyes at you, but tossed his clothes to you and walked out of his room so you could change.
Maybe it was wrong, yet you loved the way his clothes felt. You tried to convince yourself that it was just the material that made you think that, but that doesn’t make a feeling like home wash over you.
“You done yet?” Kenma called from the other side of the door, his words a little slurred with enervation.
“Yeah.” You answered, and got back into the bed. You barely registered the dip in the bed from Kenma’s weight before you slipped into sleep.
When you woke up the next morning, the first thing you noticed was the smell of vanilla. Then it was the arm thrown lazily over you and Kenma’s face buried into your neck.
You felt a little guilty about waking him up being that you knew he needed sleep, but the clock reading 10:38 A.M. told you that you should be getting home.
“Morning, sunshine.” You said with a small laugh. Yet a part of you really found it adorable. Golden eyes fluttered open just slightly before snapping open completely, Kenma almost falling off of the bed in his attempt to move himself away from you.
“I… I did not mean to do that. I move in my sleep.” He said, staring down at his sheets instead of at you. In fact, he wondered how he was ever going to look at you again.
“No worries. I’ve got to go though, I promised I’d meet one of my friends today. I’ll change and leave your clothes on the bathroom counter before I leave. Get some sleep.”
And you did. But you didn’t know that Kenma walked to get his shirt, just so he could sleep with it. He couldn’t help it if even the ghost of your presence was calming.
— With Kodzuken’s fans speculating about his relationship status, his friends start shipping him with Y/n. Falling in love is a three step plan, right?
— With Kodzuken’s fans speculating about his relationship status, his friends start shipping him with Y/n. Falling in love is a three step plan, right?
— With Kodzuken’s fans speculating about his relationship status, his friends start shipping him with Y/n. Falling in love is a three step plan, right?
Kozume Kenma who short circuits every time you touch skin-to-skin because of how soft you are. Be it your hand intertwining with his. Or maybe you’re curled up on the sofa with his hand around your waist as he kneads your stomach. Or he had an urge to cup the fat of your cheeks in his hands. Either way, it’s so warm that he can’t help the fierce warmth that finds solace in his cheeks.
Kozume Kenma who can’t bring himself to initiate kisses often, so he beats himself up for not knowing how to show you he loves you in more “normal” ways. So, when he does kiss you (naturally of course, not by forcing himself to), it makes the occasion even more heart-wrenching and passionate and love-filled.
Kozume Kenma who spends his life hiding away from everyone until you hug him for the first time. He vows to himself that’s when he first understood the whole concept of love, before then the whole ordeal had been rather confusing, and he had simply seen it as a waste of time and a distraction. But as he felt himself melt into your touch, face subconsciously digging its way into any crevice which your chest or head or shoulder or neck may provide out of both embarrassment for the harsh blush that’s painted his face and the further seeking of the comfort he will now come to crave, he came to understand that there’s most certainly more to life than what he had previously assumed.
Kozume Kenma who would do anything to feel your hands constantly playing with his hair. It brings him what he previously presumed as an unattainable comfort but now is just normal for him after he has a rough day and refuses to care about the embarrassment of asking you for it.
Rain hammered down on the thick pane of glass that separated you from the outside world, dainty fingers clutching the keys which you had just used to find your welcomed shelter. Today had been a long day, you thought to yourself as you slipped your shoes off by the entry door. You had been soaked through, practically dripping onto Kenma’s hard floors. You had gotten caught in the rain on your way to his place, silently cursing yourself for overlooking an umbrella. Up the stairs of your boyfriend’s penthouse, you could hear the muffled sound of him talking. You had been dating for a good few months now, so you felt comfortable enough to welcome yourself to a hot shower in one of his modern bathrooms.
Kenma sighed softly as he heard the animals he had decided to stream with that day screaming to each other through his headset. Rather than staying silent and attempting to process the madness any longer, he simply mumbled out a small “shut up”, sparking the attention of the two buffoons in front of him, alongside the many thousands of people sat on the other sides of their screens. Following his miniature outburst, the laughs of said men could be heard cackling from their respective rooms. Dutifully admitting his over-due defeat, Kenma slumps further into his chair, allowing himself to succumb to the relief of the special-made gaming chair, golden globes refocusing on the screen for the umpteenth time that gloomy evening. He had always found the rain comforting, all he wanted to do was finish streaming and sit on his comfy chairs by the window, reclined with the one he loved most. As far as he knew, you were still out of sight, but definitely not out of mind.
You were always able to comfort him in ways no one else could ever dream, and he was eternally grateful to you for it. None had even come close to the warmth of your body, the plushness of your skin. He could spend hours admiring you for all that you were, yet still have more to say. He knew he was truly and utterly in love with you, and was partially angry at himself for being so bad at showing it.
Once finishing your shower, you suppose Kenma won’t mind you borrowing a few of his clothes, surely he’d understand from the state of the weather you’d gone there in. You grabbed a pair of his sweatpants and one of his various hoodies. It was marvellous how comfortable you felt in his penthouse, feeling as though you fit right into his life. You walk down to the sleek kitchen in possession of your rich boyfriend, deciding to make hot drinks for both yourself and Kenma, well aware of how tired he probably is. You get two colourful mugs out from his cabinet, prancing around his kitchen with ease, preparing them, assuming its contents would warm you up from the dreary weather outside. You also thought of how Kenma would need the sugar boost, knowing how much he tended to overwork himself.
As you timidly opened the door to his streaming room, you noticed his reclined posture. You gingerly shuffled over to his seat, mugs clutched tight in your grasp. You gave the camera a tender smile, and Kenma sees the chat start blowing up. It was a common occurrence for you to feature in Kozume’s streams, and his fans loved the two of you together, even if Kenma hadn’t specified you as his significant other. Fans were clever, and very persistent, dedicating their evenings to grasping at straws, making mountains out of what you’d consider molehills, digging and digging through personal details and sifting through hours of footage just to theorise of how you both were dating. Of course, said theories were not wrong, but if they had to dig for it that much, you thought they should conclude that you were private for a reason and to keep it at that.
The man’s eyebrows furrow together at the speed of the chat flowing, before spinning around and seeing you at the doorway, shuffling your feet with uncertainty and raising the mugs with a slight smile at him. He lets himself succumb to the smile that fights to overcome his features, back to the viewers and eyes trained to yours. You took note of the fatigue in his face and posture as you slowly started to edge closer to him at his beckoning. He grabs another chair and slots it next to his own, patting it softly. As you sat down, your eyes slowly drifted from the man to his stream, giving a wave and toothy grin, before placing your and Kenma’s respectful mugs in front of you both.
The stillness that overcame the room was pleasant. Kenma had taken off his headset upon realising he wasn’t alone in the room, and you both simultaneously picked up your drinks and took generous sips. The warmth that overcame your chest, both from the hot liquid and the love in your heart was both overwhelming and yet ever so simple.
Kenma insisted on teaching you how to play a game or two, and as you talked away to the stream and your joint friends, Kenma struggled to hold back visibly showing his emotions. He had always been good at hiding them, at least that was before you waltz into his life. Now, he has more trouble than ever masking his true feelings for you. And the knowledge of the thousands of people watching him irked him in the slightest sense, as he wanted the moments he shared with you to be just that- shared with you and you only.
But as he, Bokuto and Kuroo begin another game, he stills stiff as a board when he feels a weight on his shoulder. Looking over, he sees you’ve fallen asleep, and were using him as a pillow. He laughed to himself, urging the blush taking over his features to back away to save face from the multiple strangers watching for his reactions like hawks.
They’d definitely be able to distinguish between him now and him before you’d come in to join him. They’d be able to see how his facial features softened. They’d be able to see the harsh pink tint which overcame his cheeks. They’d be able to see how he let his lips turn upward, vulnerability flashing before you.
Maybe it wasn’t so bad they knew, he thought before ending the stream and taking you to bed.
“…Then, let’s have a redo. I’ll introduce myself again, I’m Kozume Kenma, better known as Kodzuken in the online world. But I let my friends call me Kenma though. Thank you for the apple pie.”
tw/cw: blood (due to the disease), unrequited love (Kenma was friend-zoned by his enamoured, hard).
Hanahaki Disease (花吐き病) is a fictional disease where the victim of an unrequited/one-sided love begins to vomit or cough up petals and flowers of a flowering plant growing in their lungs. It can be cured either if their enamoured reciprocate their feelings of genuine love, or through surgical removal of the plants’ roots (which, sadly, would remove the victim’s capacity for romantic love and may also erase their feelings for and memories of the enamoured); it can be fatal if left untreated. (Wikipedia)
Mysuper-late entry for @kingkatsukix@bakuroo-writings’sFrozen Hearts collab. I was too lazy procrastinating about this (alongside other late collab entries) for months, but something made me think about this disease yesterday so I chose to be violent today /hj made this since late morning. Also tagging @anime-central@hanayanetwork
tw/cw: post-timeskip, domestic fluff, established relationship (reader and Kenma are married here), angry reader (more like pissed-off lol), Kenma is an INTP so reader is either ISFP/ESFP/ISTP/ESTP (see‘one-sided match’below),slight suggestive content in the end, Kenma is (lowkey) a total simp for his s/o.
a/n: remember that MBTI Compatibility tag game that made rounds on Tumblr days ago? Yeah, that. Me and some of my friends and moots were kinda annoyed/pissed by the results that I turned my frustration yesterday about it into writing. Also not me swearing that I won’t do another smau post but… siiiiigh here we go again smh /gentagging@anime-central@hanayanetwork
Want to be a part of my general taglist?Form link here.
AN: Chapter 2??? Yes???? ALSO REMINDER THAN LOST WILL BE UPDATED ON FRIDAYS AT 10:30 ish MDT. Taglists are OPEN! Please send an ASK or DM! Reblogs are appreciated :D
You sat in your room in silence, staring at the bare white walls that trapped you in. Like an animal in a cage. The only speck of colour came from your unusually bright bed covers, a gift from… from someone long ago. Clothes were strewn across the beige carpet of your room, the only sign that the room itself was being used. The cleanness of this room was your pride and joy. Something, the only thing, you could tell yourself you did.
You laughed pathetically.
It had been your strong will that had you walking past Kenma when you hesitantly knocked on the front door to the apartment. You had heard huffs of annoyance even before he had opened the door. And it was not hard to imagine the grimace that played on his thin, firm lips. He gave you a look, waiting for you to throw him a glance as you had found yourself doing out of habit. But you didn’t, deigning to stare at the boring painting plastered onto the walls. And the sink full of dirty dishes that you knew would never be cleaned until you decided to do them.
There was a part of you— that broken yet foolish part of you that yearned for at least the tiniest ounce of worry. There was a part of you that had hoped you did not need to deal with the burdensome annoyance that Kenma had often thrown at you. Before, during and after your so-called “relationship”. It was an emotion that was so often seen on his pleasant face, that it had been a shock that had stopped you in your tracks when you had first seen him smile at his phone.
You laughed again. You had been naive. A fool. A fool in love. But a fool nonetheless.
“L/N.” you closed your eyes, palm coming up on your face as you shield yourself from the dull lights of the room. And the lean man that stood outside your door.
“What.” you hoarsely spoke, leaning back on your elbows, reaching over your shoulder to grab a water bottle.
“May I come in?”.
You almost laughed at the stiff words. It must be weird to show so much distance to your former girlfriend and current roommate.
“Whatever,” you snorted, throwing your legs over the bed, tilting your head back as you chugged half of your water.
The door slowly opened, curious and hesitant eyes found your own. His honey eyes were dull, a glint of suppressed annoyance lingering in his gaze as he took in your defensive gaze. He barely took a step into the room before stopping in his tracks, awkwardness painted all over his body. Big, black Razer Sony headphones hung over his neck, his hands tucked into the deep pockets of his gray sweatpants. His shirt was one size too big, something that he had found more comfortable, especially when streaming.
“A shame” you had once teased, as you looked at his choice of outfit for stream. He had merely looked at you with a gaze oozing irritation.
“What do you want?”
The words came out sharper than you had meant, an apology lingering like a sour grape on the tip of your tongue.
Any hesitance was short-lived at your icy words, his own eyes becoming as cool as ice.
“I have a stream at five,” he gave you an obvious look-over, eyes pausing at the bruises on your exposed legs, “At least try to look nice.”
You snorted, flipping him off.
“It was a one-time thing, Kozume.” you retorted.
“No.” his jaw clenched at your pure stone-cold glare. ice that raged in your eyes. “We agreed that we would continue streams till the end of our lease.”
“I have no interest in faking affection just for you to have a good image,” you snarled as Kenma rolled his eyes. The lithe muscles in his biceps flexed as he ran a hand through his messy hair.
“Of course you don’t care about a good image.”
He motioned to your unruly hair. To the dark circles that seemed tattooed into your skin. To the dullness that now echoed in your skin.
It was a low blow. And he knew it. And yet… as you stared at his unwavering eyes. You knew he didn’t give one damn.
You snorted, your lips trembling as you waved your hand.
“I’ll do it, just stop talking.”
“You’re a nuisance annoying.” he seethed, tugging on his hair as if you were driving him insane.
“I just said that I’ll do it. What else do you want.” you snapped. The unsaid words lingered in your head. On the very tip of your throat.
I was in the hospital. Do you not even care?
He rolled his eyes again.
“Stop acting like you’re doing me a favour,” he looked down at you. You flinched at the pure, unfiltered disdain that filled his features. At the eyes burning like the flames of the eternally burning sun. At the lips that trembled in rage. At the fingers that tightly clutched his black shirt.
“And I’m not?” you spitefully fought back. It was not a wise choice, you knew that. It was rare—so rare that rage ever filled Kenma’s features. If anything he had always been the more calm, peaceful of the two of you, always deciding to deal with confrontations in a pacifist approach.
It would be better if you shut your mouth. Be the submissive person you knew he wanted you to be. But it was the strike of your pride that edged you on.
“If you would be honest and just tell your viewers we broke up, then it wouldn’t be such a hassle.”
It hurt more than it annoyed you. Pretending that you and Kenma were still in a relationship. Still in love. It was ironic, you had thought, when he gave you more attention than he did when you were in a genuine relationship. From the small pecks, he gave on your forehead. To the small smiles, he faked when he looked at you during the stream. His affection seemed like an on and off switch. The love you had received on stream immediately descended to scorn and mockery as he merely nodded for you to leave the room.
You watched Kenma carefully, waiting for the blow that was sure to come.
“You’re freeloading off of me,” he scoffed, “Can you even pay for your breakfast?”
You stayed quiet at the venom that spitted from his sharp tongue.
“I can,” you quietly said, refusing to let the anger consume your words.
“With what job,” he mocked, “The one that pays 700 yen an hour?”
A furious blush ran down your neck. You wondered how many low blows it would take for you to break down completely.
“It’s still a job,” you scowled.
It was hard to say anything back to that. He wasn’t fully wrong. It was a very low-paying job, a minimum wage job that seemed to have more cons than pros. But, it was all you could do. With your half-finished university degrees. It would be a shameful burden, among the many others, that you would bear.
“Sure.” his eyes seem to always be rolling at this point. He backed up, hands reaching behind him to touch the handle of the door. He gave you one more look.
“You were taking a break from social media for a week, that’s why you haven’t shown up on my streams.” And with that, he slammed the door, before shuffling back to his room.
You scoffed.
“Sure,” you muttered to the closed door.
A low dull rhythm echoed in your head, as you tucked in your legs, resting your cheek on your knee. Maybe one day, the universe wouldn’t bet against you.
✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧
You woke up with a pain in your neck and a broken heart. Sleep, although something you desired in the back of your head, was not your greatest friend. On the best days, you found yourself in a fruitless sleep, filled with a void of darkness and silence. On the worst days, harrowing and blurry images raced through your head. Unfamiliar actions and words always made you wake up with sweat dripping down your neck. The nightmares served as a reminder of the heaviest of burdens on your shoulders. Of the shame that brought with every breath. You stared blankly at the walls, contemplating your next move.
Groggily, you arose and walked to the kitchen. Scrummaging for any snacks. There was nothing, except for the powder milkshakes Kenma always seemed to have a stock of. The clicking clock seemed to mock you with every move. The small hand stayed still at 12 and the long hand trembled as it switched between 3 and 4. The clock, from what you observed, had been broken since Kenma had brought it on. And yet he refused to replace it.
You snorted as you closed the door, daring to peek at the sink. You sighed as you spotted the messy dishes, a pile continuously growing. That pile indeed would never disappear without you doing it. For a man who you were seemingly freeloading of, he seems inadequate to perform even the most basic of housework. Pinching the bridge of your nose, you groaned. You hadn’t eaten since the previous morning and you didn’t get a chance to eat after your “conversation” with Kenma. You turned on the tap, popping open the bottle of dish soap. You scrubbed the dishes, rising and washing all the dishes in a mere ten minutes. You hated doing the dishes. It felt unclean. Disgusting. You could almost feel the grime under your fingernails when you had finished. And no soap seemed to get rid of the feeling of uncleanness under your nails. On your fingers. You shivered in disgust. You scrubbed your fingers under hot water, muttering small curses under your breath.
“What are you doing?” You stepped back, dropping the bar of soap you were using.
“Being a freeloader,” you snarkily responded, as you went back to clean your hands once more. You stared at your fingers.
“Stop wasting water.” he rolled his eyes, as he opened an oak wood cupboard, taking out a cup.
“Is that why you never wash the dishes?” you snorted as you closed the tap, wiping your hands on your sweatpants. Your only response was an exasperated look. A pregnant silence settled in the kitchen. The only sound coming from the quiet trickling of the water dispenser. You shuffled your feet. There was no reason for you to be in the room. To stay. He never asked you to. But he hadn’t asked you to leave.
Yet.
Your eyes trailed from the floor to the small crack of skin exposed as he downed the cup of water at once. You watched a small droplet of water dribble from the corner of his mouth. At the man bun that was coming apart, strands of black and blonde curling slightly at the end.
“Are you just going to stare?” he placed the cup in the sink before walking past you, back into his room.
“Creep.” you heard him huff before the sharp sound of a closed-door echoed in your ears. It was a slap in your face. Embarrassment pooled in your stomach as you quickly went to the sink, rinsing the cup before walking back to your room. You quietly closed the door, jumping on the bed. The quiet creaks of the mattress hid your sniffles.
Hiding the quiet, invisible call for help.
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Words couldn’t describe the pain you were in right now. Although many of the bruises on your leg were healed, it didn’t stop the random slaps of pain that shocked through your legs. Standing for almost 7 hours didn’t help the matter. But there was not much room to complain between the fake smiles you were forced to plaster onto your face. It was the most you had smiled in years, your cheeks stretching painfully as you waved goodbye to a customer. Your smile almost immediately dropped as the last of the rush hour customers had passed, ordering their coffees quickly.
You didn’t dislike the job although you were sure there were better ones out there. But it wasn’t the worst. The place itself was pleasurable to the eyes. Soft pastel colors bloomed in the small, modest coffee shop. Light floral pink walls were illuminated by circular bulbs of pale white light. Coral green swirls of colour painted intricate designs on the walls, small dots added under the small designs, drawing a dotted line all across the wall. Pale pink stools were stuffed under small circular tables. Pale green stems of the mauve lily stood out amongst the mostly pink furniture. The café was almost empty except for a few elderly people who comfortably leaned back in some of the chairs, laughing amongst themselves as they sipped their coffee from plastic, pink cups. Soft, lyricless music played in the café, drowning the small place in a peaceful sort of quiet. It was the sort of ambience you wished you could have back at the apartment. You almost found yourself humming along with the music. Almost.
“The barista might have forgotten your name, but I sure haven’t.”
You groaned at the cheesy words that ruined the quiet little happiness that had been unfurling in your chest. A blooming flower stopped in its tracks.
“I am the barista,” you muttered, as you walked away from the register. You brought your hands to the loosely tied apron, quickly taking both ends and pulling it tighter. You didn’t look at the man, who merely gave you a small pout as you backed away from him. You couldn’t tell which was more painful. Kai’s corny, stupid jokes. Or the standing you had to deal with for a mere 700 yen.
“But it was good right,” you turned around, throwing him a glare before rolling your eyes.
“No.”
“Y/N,” he whined cutely, the pout growing on his plump, pink lips. You only rolled your eyes again.
“Go back to work Kai,” you muttered as you ran a finger down the clean slabs of pale pink granite.
He sighed, running a toned, sun-kissed arm through his strikingly pale blonde hair. The contrast between his caramel skin and his naturally light hair always made you stop in your tracks. He didn’t have the worst of faces, you concluded, as you turned around sticking your tongue out at him. The smirk that grew on his face, made your cheeks bloom with embarrassment, the thumping of your chest becoming slightly erratic. His bronze eyes crinkled around the corners as his smirk grew into a genuine smile.
“It’s only a matter of time,” he teased, giving you a wink that would have made any other girl swoon. You raised your eyebrows, gaze narrowing as you gave him a once over.
Dissatisfaction pooled in your eyes as you gazed at his face.
“You sure about that one?” your gaze only narrowed more at his confident smirk. He thumped his broad chest, hand resting on his heart as he smirked at you.
“For sure.” he grinned, “Thousand yen”
Your eyes gazed at the small, leafy bill that sat tauntingly on the counter. You bit your lips.
The easiest thousand yen of your life. You grinned, hand reaching out, as Kai quickly snatched the note back, stuffing it in his pockets.
“You, sir, have got yourself a deal.”
He gave you a toothy grin as he grabbed your hand.
For a man who spent his workdays behind a counter making coffees, his hands were surprisingly rough and calloused.
“You’ll be asking me out before this month is over,” he added, daring you to take back the deal you had just made.
“Don’t get your hopes up, buddy.” you rolled your eyes, “I’m taken.”
It was a sour lie to say, but it had to be done.
He merely laughed, eyes sparkling a sly grin overtaking the toothy one he had on before. Glancing at the calendar, Kai threw you another grin.
“We’ll see about that in thirty days.”
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Exhaustion crept on you like a cat on its prey. Today, like most Mondays, was a rush hour. Though you found the evenings much more tiresome than the morning. In the morning, frantic office workers barged in, quickly ordering their coffee and leaving. Afternoons were much quieter, the rare elderly person walking in with a grin and a roll of the most recent newspaper. Evenings, however, made you want to pull your hair out. Especially as tides of high school girls, finally leaving their dreaded classrooms, rushed in. It took hours to even get their orders. Most of the time was spent with flirtatious conversations with Kai, who seemed pleased at the compliments that fluttered his way. The girls with more bravado, bracingly asked for his hand in marriage, no sight of humor glistening in their eyes.
You sighed, muttering under your breath, as you trudged to the small room in the back. Pulling out your phone, you always swore at the bombardments of messages and notifications that drowned your notification bar. You sat down, slumping down on the dark couch as you swiped through.
Emails of probable work applications were immediately swiped off. There was no point in looking for a job when you would immediately be denied. Notifications from your other apps were also immediately swept away. It had been months since you opened Instagram or Snapchat. Not like there were any important conversations on there, you reasoned, as you scrolled further down the notifications. Your eyes widened in pleasant surprise at the few messages from Akaashi, glad that you had remembered to name his contact. But before you could see what Akaashi had sent you, your screen flashed. Your ringtone echoed in the empty room. You almost dropped your phone as your eyes caught the name.
Kenma Kozume.
You scrunch your eyes in confusion.
Tentatively you accepted his call, putting it on speaker.
“He–”
“Where are you?” There was a sort of franticness in his voice as he spoke. As if he was worried about you.
Knowing Kenma that probably wasn’t the case.
“At work?”
He huffed scornfully.
His voice was coated in a thick layer of venom as he spoke.
“Can you not do anything right? I legit only asked, for one thing, L/N.” he snarled, his voice quiet as if he didn’t want anyone to hear.
“What?”
You were confused. You had made him his daily meal, with the type of rice he liked. You even added the meat that he adored. Maybe it was the meat, you thought in apprehension.
Oh god, was it half-cooked?’
I knew I shouldn’t have rushed it this morning.
“It’s almost five and you’re still at work?”
You glanced at your phone. A glaring 4:30 scoffed back at you.
“So?”
“You’re supposed to be on my stream at five.”
Oh.
“So it wasn’t the meat then,” you muttered quietly.
“It only takes me ten minutes, Kozume.” you rubbed your temples, “Calm down.”
“And it’ll take you an hour to get ready,” he snarky replied. You could hear the bitterness in his voice, sending shivers down your spine.
“No it won’t, stop being dramatic.” you sighed. Throwing your head back on the couch, you groaned.
“Something wrong, hot stuff?” you paused, jerking your phone behind you as you jerked up. You sighed, meeting Kai’s curious eyes.
How much had he heard?
“Nothing, but I might have to leave right now,” you explained to him, as you took the phone off the speaker. “My boyfriend needs me right now.” Something dark lingered in his eyes before it was gone in a heartbeat.
“No worries, I can close the café L/N.” he gave a small smile before walking back to his wooing harem of girls. You mouthed him thanks, letting slight appreciation gleam in your eyes as you put the phone back in your ear.
“Is that what you do in work,” he scoffed, “Seduce people. Is that why you go there, to sleep with them like a—”
“Shut up.” you icily said. “I’ll be there in a few.”
You hung the phone Kenma could continue his ill rant.
Your heart pounded. At the apprehension of being caught. You didn’t know why you felt this way. Didn’t know why this guilt lingered as you walked away from Kai. At the gaze, Kai kept on the hoard of girls as you walked out the door. It was a reminder to him, you supposed, that you were indeed a taken woman.
And a small part of you wished you didn’t have to lie like that.
WC:3k masterlist prologue–>I –> II AN: Oh god this took so long :’D But I hope you enjoy XD. Taglists are OPEN! Please send an ASK or DM! Reblogs are appreciated :D
It was an odd feeling. The feeling in which you were feeling so much, it felt like you weren’t feeling at all. Your eyes were glazed as you stared aimlessly around the room. Two days stuck in a room filled with beeping monitors and unorganized wires were enough to make even the calmest of people go mad. Your eyes had become to the oddly tinted light that hung over your head from the ceiling, a light shade of yellow flashing of the clean white of the monitors. It wasn’t an interesting room, with simple walls with pink and yellow swirls trailing in a simple line. The plastic rose-tinted curtain flustered as people walked across the hallway, busy and working. You felt… You didn’t know what you felt. If you felt anything at all. The only feeling that confirmed your pathetic existence was the soft beating of your heart; the sound echoing loudly amidst the chaos outside.
A soft quiet ring made your heart jump, almost missing a beat. Your phone rang its usual tone, a signal that often had your hopes riding up. You stretch, reaching awkwardly to grab your phone, the buzzing becomes unbearably annoying in your pulsing head. Your fingers swiped, quickly tapping your password in as you settled back against the soft, white pillow. Several notifications caught your eye, a few from personal messages, several from some emails and a few from Twitch notifications. Dark bolded letters threw themselves at your face.
Kodzuken is now streaming.
You hesitated to click it, quickly deciding to check later, if only to save the heartache that would ignite. Instead, you scrolled through your contacts, a quiet battle echoing in your head.
It had been two days since you had been admitted and the doctor had not asked for you to say. A sure sign that today would indeed be the day you would be allowed to leave the hospital. Flutters of letters melted into a thin layer of black text as you furiously scrolled through your phone. Your fingers stopped, hovering over Kenma’s contact. Something like anguish boiled in your stomach as you decided against the selfish, useless act. Kenma wouldn’t pick up anyway. You knew that from the weeks upon weeks of naive calls and voicemails.
Your heart pounded, a familiar pain arising in your head at the thought of messaging Kenma. At the thought of even asking for help. It hurt. It hurt much more than you would like to admit. Your eyes fluttered shut, painfully gripping your phone.
Although that wasn’t much of a help. Closing your eyes, submitting yourself to the darkness that continued to swarm in your head, only made your heart hurt more. Darkness, although your old friend in your few moments of extreme darkness, was not a being you opened your arms to.
“Ms.L/N?”
Panicked, you opened your eyes, your back awkwardly straightening as small stars appeared in your sight.
“Your vitals are…okay.” Blue orbs attached to your skin, tracing the too-thin arm that clutched a phone. To the too-thin face gazing with an inert gaze.
“I suppose that’s good,” you muttered, eyes flickering from the intense gaze to the nurse that watched you with an odd emotion morphing on her face.
“Your blood sugar is just fine, but it’s on the lower side of average,” she glanced at the clipboard in her arms, tucking a strand of pale blonde hair behind her ear. “You’ll have to come back later to do another checkup to see if you need to be put on any medications.”
You nodded, slowly.
“And although you have passed the majority of your physical assessments, you should come in for some mental assessments as well.” Doctor Kioka bit her lip staring at you, eyes swarming with a dull emotion.
“Dr.Kioka?” the nurse suddenly spoke up, a flustered expression overlapped the odd emotion that had been placed on her face.
“Yes?”
“We haven’t…” she stuttered over her words as if none could come to mind. You stared at her mindlessly.
“We need to ask a few questions, for the records,” she motioned behind her. You peered at the seemingly abandoned hallway.
“Yes, of course.” Dr.Kioka cleared her throat, looking back at you. She nodded to the nurse. “5 minutes.”
The nurse merely gave a solemn nod, looking at the ground as she passed by, closing the curtains swiftly.
“Hello there,” there was a youthful glow in the nurse’s eye. The sort of glow of a healthy, happy woman. Her doe-like eyes were a deep, rich brown. The colour of a well-fertilized soil enriched with nutrients and love. Pure-black curtains of hair were wrapped into a small bun on the top of her head, small strands of flyaway hair framing her otherwise chubby face. Her plump lips were tinted a light pink, upturning at the corners as she gave you a small smile, sitting on a white chair to the right of you.
She was beautiful.
And happy.
A pure, stark contrast to your imperturbable features. You hated the feeling in your stomach. That rotting feeling of envy that burst like a volcano in your stomach.
“My name’s Tenshi.” her eyes flickered all over your face, seemingly waiting for a response.
You were forced to swallow the venomous, coated words that threatened to spill from your tongue.
“Hi.”
“I’m going to ask you a few questions, okay? You don’t have to answer, just do what makes you comfortable.”
It took everything in your power to grip the leash on your tongue. It felt wrong. This feeling of envy. Of hatred. She was merely doing her job.
You stared into her eyes.
She flinched at whatever she saw there. Maybe it was the leashed envy. Or maybe the growing dissatisfaction.
But she still kept the smile, albeit a little duller.
“Let me know if you want to stop,” she said calmly, raising a clipboard in her hand, resting it on her leg. She reached into her pocket, quickly grabbing a pen as she leaned back in the chair.
“How are you feeling?” her inquisitive eyes stared at you, pen in hand.
“Good.”
You felt like hell. Pure utter hell. It was a common misconception, you thought. Hell was not the fury of fire, the continuous echoing of screams. Hell was the continuous murmurs in your head. The screaming that happened in your body. It was a pure silence that still seemed to settle. A silence that only made you want to scream more.
She scribbled down your response, neither adding to your response nor asking for you to expand.
“Are you aware of why you’re here?”
Her eyes flickered from the paper to your face and quickly back to the paper, noting down whatever she had seen on your face.
“Yes.”
Of course, you knew why you were here. You were still deciding if it was a blessing or a curse.
“Why are you here?”
Because you were a fool in love, blind by the false facade of hearts of intimacy.
“I got hurt.”
Your face burned. In shame. In embarrassment.
She threw you a sympathetic smile.
“We’re almost done with just a few more questions.”
You nodded.
“Sometimes people feel that life is not worth living. Can you tell me how you feel about your own life?”
You flinched. It was the first time anyone at the hospital had even brushed the subject. All your other nurses had merely thrown you pitiful glances. The doctor that oversaw you had been sly enough to avoid talking about the real reason you were here.
You shrugged.
“I dunno.”
The nurse nodded, scribbling onto her paper once more.
“Do you find yourself wishing for a permanent escape from life?”
You only gripped at the edges of the bed. Your chest heaved as you forced yourself to breathe.
Breathe.
In and out.
In.
Out.
But it was so hard.
It hurt.
It hurt so much.
You had stalled reliving that night. It was something that you couldn’t do. Not if you wanted to keep that one small piece in your broken heart alive. To make sure you did not throw away the second chance of life you had gotten but not asked for.
You had tried to throw that memory in the ever-growing pile of hurt and sorrow you had in the back of your head.
You were a coward. A woeful, wretched one at that.
“Ms.Y/N?”
“No response.”
Your heart contracted, your muscles tightening around your chest as you took in a shaky breath. Your breathing was erratic as you held back the tears that threatened to flood.
“That’s okay,” she softly said, leaning towards you, resting a gloved hand on your arm. You jerked your hand back at the sympathetic touch.
“I don’t need your pity.” you snarled, ignoring the churning guilt that settled in your stomach as her doe eyes widened. Her smile flickered.
“Okay,” she averted her eyes, deigning to stare at the paper.
“I have one more question if that’s okay with you,” she watched as you hesitantly nodded.
“Do you think or feel this way presently?”
“This way?”
“Whatever you felt or thought that led to this.” she motioned to the hospital room. To the bruises scattered over your skin.
“No.”
Lie.
And she must have seen it too. The emotion that had begun to swarm in your eyes. The blatant lie that you internally hoped she wouldn’t question.
You let out a sigh as she nodded, scribbling furiously before giving you a quick smile. She stood up, tapping the clipboard with a pen.
“Thank you for your time, Ms.Y/N.” she bowed slightly before leaving the room.
You watched as she paused, quickly turning around.
“Dr.Kioka will be with you in a few moments.”
You didn’t even nod, instead of going back to your phone, eyes intently watching the black screen as you waited for her to leave the room.
You waited to hear the soft noise of the curtains crinkling and the rhythmic sound of footsteps before you looked up from your phone.
The boiling pot of envy and hatred never ceased to bubble and brew in your stomach.
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Dr.Kioka had popped in for a few minutes only to tell you the good news that you were now allowed to leave.
You merely nodded, eyes glancing to your phone, still without any notifications. You had requested that you stayed until night if only to give you more time to figure out what you would do.
You could call a taxi, despite the medium risk that would provide. Though it did seem more reliable than the one person you should have called. The one person that you should have relied on. Although maybe that was a reach, seeing that the commitments had ceased the day he had asked for a breakup.
That day was another memory shoved into the depths of your dark head.
You mindlessly scrolled through your contacts, most were people you haven’t talked to in ages. Or people, former friends, you had fallen out with. It would be a blow to the last shreds of dignity that you still desperately grasped onto.
Doubt was heavy on your shoulders as your fingers on a name that had caught your eyes several times.
You shouldn’t have been second-guessing yourself. Your heart shouldn’t have collapsed as you opened the forgotten DMS. Your fingers shouldn’t have been trembling as you typed in a few words. But it did. It all happened.
You gulped, eyes boring holes into the flashing luminescent screen. At the words itching to be sent.
I’m out of the hospital.
You took in a deep breath before hitting send. You immediately shut down your phone chucking across the bed. You watched sadly as it rested against your ankles.
You rested your body on your elbows, ignoring the digging pain in your back as you rested uncomfortably against the metal bed frame.
Your heart was thumping erratically as you waited for a ring from your phone. Even now…after all those unanswered texts and calls and voicemails, a small part of you hoped that he would reach out, to grab your flailing desperate hand.
A sudden buzz against your ankle made you jerk, your arms lunging for your phone.
You closed your eyes, muttering a small prayer before peering down at the screen. Your heart almost burst at the name that lingered in your notification scream.
Kenma.
You gulped. Fingers shaking as you opened his message. You didn’t have any expectations, but it was hard to not want a kind, warm message. But the voice in your screamed the opposite.
“Of course,” you chuckled humorlessly.
Of course.
What else should you have expected? You laughed at how the darkness in your soul knew Kenma better than you could have ever known him.
He might as well have slapped you in the face. A physical slap would have a wound you could treat. But there was no ointment to cure your cracking heart. Not as you looked at the indifferent word that popped up on your screen.
Okay.
Okay what, you thought spitefully as you swiped out of the message, leaving him on reading.
Not that he would realize. Or care.
Another buzz made you stop. Your face morphing into one of confusion. A number popped on your screen, the message making the hair down your spine prick up.
Y/N, come out.
It creeped you out. Of course, it did. And maybe it was the broken heart in you that earned for conversation or that brash part of you that didn’t care about what could happen. But you opened the message, spamming the question mark button.
It took a mere second for the unknown to reply.
I’m here to pick you up?
It sounded as if the person was just as confused as you.
Wrong number. You typed back.
This is Y/N L/N, right? It’s Akashi Keji.
“Oh,” your mouth popped open. Both at the immediate response. And the fact that the unknown number was Akaashi Keji.
TheAkaashi Keji.
A shameful blush coated your cheeks as you quickly typed back.
Sorry, Akaashi. I don’t think I added your contact name.
You groaned, dropping your phone to rub your bloodshot eyes.
I’m right out of the hospital Y/N if you would like to come.
You could almost feel the smug smirk that was surly spreading on his face.
Okay.
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There were many things you had lost in your last years of high school. One of those many things had been your friend from out of Nekoma. And yet, in the few years, you hadn’t had a conversation with most of them, you still managed to check-in, in your way. You were following the MBSY Twitter page, where Bokuto spontaneously posted. Akaashi’s natural tendency to shy away from the spotlight made it a bit more difficult, but you had managed to catch a glimpse of him now and then. Usually in other girls’ pictures, with a calm smile plastered on his face.
But seeing him right now. Face to face underneath the pale light of nightlights. It was a straight kick to the guts. His black hair had grown, curling behind his ears. His gemstone eyes glimmered underneath the faint light. But it was the smile that had caught you off guard. His lips had curved into a blissfully happy one, bringing around him that youthful glow you had seen around that one nurse.
You clutched your stomach at the nauseating feelings curling in your stomach, against your will.
“L/N, long time no talk.” he offered a hand as he opened a car door. You nodded to him, ignoring the outstretched hand as you carefully sat in the car. He didn’t say anything as he closed the passenger side door, before quickly going to the other side. His hand hovered over your own, before immediately landing on the black tinted hand gear.
“So,” he peeked a quick look at you, before pressing gently on the accelerator.
“So,” you repeated, leaning against the window, the cool touch of glass cooling down the fiery emotions in your stomach. He didn’t respond, merely humming gently.
The quiet that rested in the car was different from the one in the hospital. Here, in this car, you could force your raising thoughts to rest. Here, you could breathe. Although you couldn’t tell if that was a good thing or not.
“Do you have your address?” he asked, eyes not leaving the empty roads, glistening with the late-night dew.
“It’s that one apartment complex next to the river valley,” you answered, eyes flickering around the car.
“Nice car.” It came out drier than you expected.
“Thanks.” He paused before asking, “How are you?”
You were quiet. It was a question you knew that was coming. A question you knew that you couldn’t answer and wouldn’t answer.
“It’s…” you paused.
It’s bad.
Life sucks.
I want to–
“It’s good.” you quickly said. Akaashi gave a soft hum.
“How’s Kenma?”
“Good.”
“Is good your favourite word,” he teased, a smile slowly arising on his lips.
You couldn’t even force yourself to smile as he did.
“Yea.”
“You live pretty close to the hospital.”
It wasn’t a question so you didn’t respond.
“10 minutes, nice,” he said to no one in particular.
“Why…” you wanted to say something. To ask him why he showed up. Why did he even bother to act as he cared at all? Why…just why.
“Yes?” his eyebrows curved, framing the sharp angles of his face.
“Nothing,” you hastily muttered, a mixture of dread and relief pooling in your stomach as you caught sight of the familiar buildings and signs.
“This it?” he asked, motioning to the apartment buildings huddled together.
You nodded, fingers trembling as you undid your seatbelt.
“Y/N,” Akaashi called as you tumbled out of the silver car. You looked back, playing with the edges of the case on your phone.
“Put my name with my number this time,” he chuckled as you embarrassingly shut the door muttering small assurances. You watched as the silver car drove away, red lights contrasting the dim yellow lights of the nearby buildings.
You looked at the apartments, at the white one you should have called home. Staring into the distance, eyes glazing as you looked at the river valley wondering when you could ever call anything or anyone home.
