#alyssa reyes
Who we’ve been dying to become
This is my enneagram ode to my two favorite fours. And yes there are other fours in the series, Kieran and Matthew but I wanted this to be about Kit and my OC Alyssa and their dynamic.
Also I realized embarrassingly that I’ve been forgetting to use he/they pronouns for Kit the last couple fics. I am a fool. I blame the ADHD.
Cw: Mentions of ableism and autistic trauma.
I really recommend you listen to the instrumental of Four by sleeping at last while you read this.
“There’s a famous story that reminds me of you.”
“Yeah?”
“It involves a dog and a bone. Perhaps you’ve heard of it. A dog is chewing on a bone and then it comes across and lake and it sees another dog holding another bone. And it decides that it wants the other bone for itself as well. So it growls at the other dog and the other dog growls back.”
“Oh I think I know this one. But what the hell does this have to do with me?”
“Patience Ali. So the dog continues to growl to try and intimidate the other dog but it just growls back, so the dog opens it’s jaws to snap at the other, and it’s bone slips from it’s mouth and falls into the water below.”
And the dog is left staring at it’s own reflection.“
Alyssacouldn’t sleep again. It was a nightmare that had awoken her. Ice cold waters and cruel laughter that had her bolting upright in bed, clutching at her sweaty chest and gasping for air.
It’s alright. It’s over.
That was what she took comfort in everytime she woke up. Not that it wasn’t real because it was, but the knowledge that at least it was over now. She ran a sweaty hand through her poor hair, trying to flat it a bit. Obviously Alyssa was unsuccessful but the feeling and motion of stroking her hair soothed her.
The second thought that came to her frantic mind was Ty. A desperate urge to seek him out for comfort which she immediately scolded herself for internally.
You shouldn’t be so needy. It’s annoying.
Which of course then led her to wandering around the halls of the stupid institute aimlessly, trying to quiet her mind.
Alyssa would probably never feel comfortable in these walls. It wasn’t where she belonged. But then again where did she belong exactly? Back in New York with her pack? Or with her family? She had never really been able to feel like she fit in or belonged anywhere. Even amongst her own people she felt like an outsider desperately prancing around like a fool to gain their approval.
So they could tell her what she was missing. The piece. The spark. The thing that would make her fit and make all her parts make sense so people would stop leaving and rejecting her.
Alyssa swept her hair back into a low bun to get it off her neck. LA summers were torture already, especially to someone with sensory issues who grew up in New York, but the panic of the nightmare hadn’t helped.
She continued her way downstairs towards what she thought was the kitchen. Maybe some water would help.
The shaking had subsided and now panic gave way to crushing despair. The feeling that deep down she knew would never be fixed. Loneliness and self hatred wrapped up into a lethal combination. It was confusing, the shame she felt for wanting to wake Ty and ask him to hold her like a child because she had a bad dream. To whisper to her that she was loved and needed. That she mattered.
It was less about being afraid to be weak and more about the fear of being told that she was as insignificant as she worried she was. A worry that was confirmed for her everytime someone stopped answering her messages or stopped talking to her or turned on her so viciously for seemingly no reason.
Until she opened her eyes and realized that it was never real to begin with. None of it was. Just like her.
Loveless
In honor of pride month. Happy pride to my fellow aros and arospecs.
Also gotta love me sprinkling what might be my bpd symptoms into my OC like I’m making cookiesCw: Mentions of ableism and arophobia, brief description of an ableist hate crime, and depression.
Alyssa had always loved the idea of being in love.
She had grown up on Disney movies and fairytales where the prince rescues his princess and everyone lives happily ever after. And she thought she loved it because that was what she wanted. To one day find her own beautiful love story.
But as time went on it seemed like that wasn’t going to happen. She had always found comfort in escapism and the stories she loved. As she grew up she went from Disney to Buffy the vampire slayer and Angel the series, but she never lost her love for a good love story. She wished she could be rescued by her own prince or princess charming from the trauma in her life.
She wished she could be pulled away from people seeing her as a freak or a burden and be met with blind devotion and adoration like in the stories. She wanted somebody to love her unapologetically, for everything she was.
But she never had anything like what people described as crushes. She never felt butterflies in her stomach because of anyone or anything like that. She wasn’t even really sure what seperated romantic love from platonic love. Or if it was meant to feel any different. Not that she was having much luck with friendships either.
Alyssa was sort of naturally a loner. She preferred being on her own because that way there was there was no one to disappoint. And she couldn’t be hurt or abandoned. But the truth was she always longed for companionship. Someone who just got her. She had friends but they never lasted for multiple reasons. So much so that now any time anyone showed her affection she assumed it was a trick or a trap. Or possibly that they had some kind of ulterior motive.
