#belonging

ileolai:

Today I’m having a lot of feelings about. ok. Aziraphale knew there was a demon causing a big ruckus in the Garden. and the very FIRST thing he does is. give his only means of self defense away!!! like

all he knows about demons at that point is what Heaven has told him. and he’s quite certain they’re irredeemably Evil and possibly out to settle a score from the War. and he. he’s not just being nice to the humans. he’s potentially risking his own life for them. he just. does that. immediately

and then said demon waltzes up to him and starts blabbering on about the moon and acting precious about getting damp idkgjfg

like i imagine if Crowley hadn’t shut him up his next words to Anathema would have been like. ‘’…and technically I was supposed to plunge a flaming sword into his head. but well, anyway. he was yammering some nonsense about meta-ethics and the moon and he hates it when his toes get wet, it’s adorable. we’re married now.’’ they’re so absurd 

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@tabbystardustreply: And also when the demon asks about his sword he just tells him he gave it away instead of lying like he LIED TO GOD what a disaster angel gotta love him

@ileolaireply: lmao right and like. no wonder crowley immediately splashed his pants over it. first day on the job and this angel is off his chain. he’s fucking mental. he lets humans raid the no-no tree and gives them free weapons for their trouble. immediately blurts out what he did to the Enemy but lies to the boss’s face about it. That’s more Nonsense than Crowley managed to cause in five minutes and causing Nonsense is his job

I recently had the opportunity to speak at my alma mater.  Here is a version of the speech I gave.  It’s got life lessons and all that good stuff.  I got dry mouth when speaking.

Good evening, everyone.  I’m really honored to be speaking here tonight.  Let me start by thanking IU and the ACC for inviting me to speak tonight.  I especially want to thank Melanie and Sarah for setting up this wonderful event.  Melanie has done such a wonderful job nurturing and growing the ACC and all the programs and initiatives that celebrate Asian and Asian-American cultures for the IU community.  I’ve known Melanie since before we opened the ACC and it’s hard for me to separate the ACC from Melanie.

A little bit about myself:

I graduated back in 1999. It’s still surprising to me that it’s been 18 years because those years have flown by since I left IU.  I was born and raised in Indianapolis.  My parents immigrated to the U.S. for work and school…actually, my mom and her sister both graduated from IU.  My parents lived in graduate housing back in the early 70’s.

After graduation I moved to Washington D.C. for a job and a new adventure.  I barely knew anyone there.  I thought I had it all planned out but looking back I really had no idea what I wanted to do.  I had taken to the idea of moving someplace new vs. actually having any sort of plan but that’s par for the course when you’re young.  

But, before all of that, I was a student here like you all.  I still remember the days before the ACC opened when we were all scrambling to finish writing grants and doing whatever was needed to make it a reality.  We were designated this broken down house that needed much work to get cleaned up.  

After much hard work from many people like Melanie we had this beautiful opening with speeches, a dragon dancing troupe from Chicago…it was great.  I was glad to be a very small part of the entire process even though I didn’t quite understand the significance of the moment or really know what I was doing.

I was surprised to get a message from Melanie about coming back here to speak tonight.  I try to keep up with the ACC and IU but have to admit I haven’t been as engaged as I should be.  

After realizing it wasn’t a prank I gladly accepted this opportunity to speak.  Melanie said the theme was “belonging” and, given the current political and social climate it seems like an appropriate topic to discuss.  

I don’t have sage advice that will give you that a-ha moment like the Dalai Lama would give.  You’re all so smart and much more sophisticated than I ever was at your age but I will share some life lessons I’ve learned along the way.

Love what you do

I’ll start off with a bit of career advice: love what you do.  I’m sure you’ve read articles or heard inspirational speeches from luminaries in business, the arts, or elsewhere saying “Do what you love.”  That’s pretty good advice but I think it’s more important to “love what you do” rather than “do what you love.”  

It’s great that people like Richard Branson say he does what he loves everyday whether it’s trying to create space travel, run an airline, or hang out with famous people around his private island in the Caribbean.  But did he actually do what he loved everyday?  I’d guess not.  I don’t think he liked looking over paperwork, dealing with lawyers, or dealing with angry customers.  

A friend of mine left his comfortable, corporate job in Seattle to go teach at a community college.  Not just teach but create a program for people who don’t have the means to go to a traditional university like IU.  He doesn’t love the minutiae that comes with being a college instructor but loves what he does.  He loves seeing students from less fortunate backgrounds or students who decided to switch careers in their 40’s and 50’s graduate and find jobs.

If you can find pleasure and pride in what you do it will become a type of love.  I didn’t figure this out well into adulthood.  Been assigned a mundane task?  Do a really good job at it, teach someone else, and move onto the next thing.

Find enjoyment in the little things

Second life lesson: Find enjoyment in the little things.  Who likes naps?  Naps are awesome.  I highly recommend them.  You will feel much better even after closing your eyes for just 5 minutes.  Have you heard of the coffee nap?  It’s a short nap you take right after drinking some coffee.  I’m not sure it’s scientifically proven but it works for me.  

Warm cookies are pretty awesome, too.  So is a nice walk or hike.  

What I’m trying to say is finding enjoyment in the small things is no small thing.  It’s so easy to get caught up in looking for big rewards and big accomplishments but try to take a step back and enjoy the small things.  People are complex, life is complex so take comfort in the small things.  You’ll feel a certain basic satisfaction and you’ll feel more grateful.

Embarrassment

You will look back at yourself 5 years from now and profoundly be embarrassed.  Okay, maybe not profoundly embarrassed but you will look back at yourself with bemusement.  

I look back at photos of myself from the IU days or some other time and I just wonder “What were you thinking?  Why did you say that?!  You actually thought that was a good look?”  Facebook has been a source of some really embarrassing photos.  In high school I had the hairstyle affectionately known as the “butt cut.”  

You know, the middle part in your hair.  Had the white shell necklace…I’m getting embarrassed thinking about it.  Socks with sandals…why?!    

But you know what?  I also look back on it as a time when I was having fun. If you aren’t just a little embarrassed about what you were like back then it might be a sign you aren’t progressing or you’re really comfortable with yourself.  More power to you if that’s the latter case.  

Looking back I’m also embarrassed by some of the things I said and the way I acted.  Like any other person I’ve done irrational things out of anger, jealousy, and happiness.  There’s no good way to say “sorry” but these past experiences are reminders of what mistakes to avoid in the future and can help you become that ever-improving person.

Tough Times

Tough times are coming.  You will have all tough times.  I’m not talking about not getting the grade you want or missing out on a party tough times.  I’m talking about real tough times where you have overcome loss, sadness, and disappointment.  

Some you have already had to endure those times.  Everyone will eventually have to deal with these tough times.  But if can get through these tough times or help others get through tough times then the good times will seem better.  

That surly person you see may be going through some seriously tough times so maybe take a minute to think about it before snapping at her or him.  

There are silver linings to those difficult and trying situations…I can’t tell you what they are or when you’ll find them but I know they are there.  And you will get stronger from the tough times if you don’t let them pull you down forever.

Empathy

A valuable trait or skill to have is empathy; being able to see something from someone else’s point of view.  

I’m not talking about sympathy.  Sympathy is valuable, too, but it’s a temporary feeling compared to empathy.  It’s good you feel bad for someone but I think it’s just as important, if not more, to try to understand why someone is suffering.  

In my personal opinion, empathy is something that is cultivated and constantly developed throughout your life.

I’ll tell you a story of how I got called out for a lack of empathy.  I was working on a large project and the client was just the most difficult person to deal with.  If he wasn’t complaining about my team he was telling us we didn’t know anything.  One day I found out he had requested that my entire team be removed or fired because he didn’t feel we were doing a good job.  Well, I was fuming when I heard about his latest antics and loudly said to my team, “I know what he’s thinking.  He wants us fired because we won’t let him do what he wants and we know more than he does.”  

I was calmly pulled to the side by a senior advisor who said, “The client probably knows that you guys know more than him but you have no idea what he’s thinking.  He might be scared out of his pants because this is probably the most responsibility he has ever had and the only way he knows how to cope is lash out.  I’m not saying he’s right and, by all accounts, he’s unqualified for the job but you need to get it out of your head that you know exactly what he’s thinking without even trying see it from his point of view.”

I’m thankful for the talking-to because up until that point I had never even tried to see things from the client’s point of view.  I’ve taken this lesson to heart and tried to apply throughout life.  It doesn’t mean I’ll agree with everyone but trying to see something from someone’s point of view can help you understand why that person reacts a certain way.

Belonging

Finally, all of these life lessons I’ve just talked about are, I think, are the foundations of creating a community of belonging and, more importantly, a sense of self-belonging.  At the risk of sounding like the self-help section at the bookstore, focus on building yourself.

Being accepted by others is always warm and welcoming.  Being validated for who you are and what you do or have done is satisfying and is no less significant.  But outside validation and acceptance is like candy: it’s sweet, satisfying, but fleeting.  After awhile you want more but the returns diminish and you become less healthy because of it.  

I think it’s almost tragic when you see people just rolling through life never really figuring out what they want to do or who they really are.  It isn’t selfish to think about what motivates you or how you feel about self-worth.  These are healthy mechanisms to make sure you don’t get lost.  

As we build ourselves from the inside out and understand who we are and what makes us act the way we do, I think we become better at understanding those around us.  Look, I’m not saying you will belong everywhere nor should you only go places where you know you’ll be comfortable but if you aren’t able to reconcile yourself you’ll belong nowhere.  

I think one of the reasons why we are so divided right now is many of us haven’t tried to reconcile who we are and what we need vs. what we think we want.  We think we know the “other side” but don’t really know ourselves.  This process of building yourself inside-out and becoming comfortable with who you are won’t happen overnight and it should be an ongoing process.  Apologies for the platitude but it’s the journey not the destination.

We’re all not that different from each other.  From the CEOs to celebrities to students, you all put on your pants one leg at a time, all get hungry, happy, and sad.  If we can all acknowledge that then we can begin to create a greater sense of belonging.

Everything I’ve said tonight I’m still working on myself.  I am a forever work-in-progress.

I’ll end my speech with a quote that really resonates with me: “Some people need tough love…some people need a lot of love.”  Now go share a warm cookie with someone who might need it.  Thank you.