Beautiful and serene landscapes inspire me to think, and thus write. Having a calm environment is so surreal and important for a survivor of domestic abuse. Oh, were you expecting something else? Perhaps pretty words for pretty things. I’m sorry but my soul isn’t always so nice.
Take a beat.
Okay.
I mean, we’ll call a spade a spade. That’s what you taught me. That’s how it is. It was violence. Do not expect me to take pity on the girl you were before I was even born. She is not me and she is not you, and therefore she’s meaningless unless you never grew older. You are the one who is supposed to be here for me right now. The older I grow, though, the further I leave you behind. You cling and clutch and tear my soul into the ground. You burry me with your pretty memories of has been daydreams and bonds that don’t exist. At this point I could be numb to it. I’ve known you for that long. Yet, your approval seems to be the only thing I need. It’s also the only thing that I’ll never receive.
Breathe.
I love tranquil scenery.
Because it’s at times like this, when I felt the most isolated and yet so suffocated, that I ventured to the woods. They weren’t anything special, just a lot of trees and a plywood bench plopped up on some old tires. You wouldn’t know that it was so much more to me. For the little girl in my heart, that place was the only safety where I could go and truly be free. It was my relief, my safe haven. It kept me away from the yelling, the beating and the incessant name calling. There, in the constant steadiness of nature, I could actually find peace. A moment’s respite to catch my breath and just be. To exist and feel and cry and laugh and yell and scream and sink to my knees. There, in the shadow of the greenery, I found the inner voice in my head that told me my desire for love and belonging was more than make believe. That some day, some one was going to love me for just me.
Take a beat.
Okay.
I know that got carried away. I am so sorry I unburdened all of that on you. Yes, you’re right, I should care more about your feelings. After all, your existence did come before mine. No, no, the fault was all mine. I won’t talk about how I feel, I’ll just say what I like and we can move on from that because there are more important things in your life.
