Abuse doesn’t make you broken. You are not unworthy of love because of how you were treated in the past. It was not your fault then and it’s not your fault now. You are deserving of respect.
I’m a person who’s adventurous… at least when given the chance. I’m hungry to see new things and meet new people. When I don’t get to do that, I feel like i’m stuck in a rut and get irritated and upset. I try to make changes and then get in trouble or get hurt. But somehow, that excitement is better than the boredom before.
I’m working towards making my life more adventurous. I hope I won’t have to wait much longer.
I notice when I travel, sometimes I feel sad or teary. I’m travelling today for an appointment halfway across the province and this happened. I think this sadness is something I’ve always felt and now that I’m somewhere new, or at least away from my home county, it bubbles up.
I’ve tried so many times to make a better life for myself and failed. I think these feelings and memories come up. I don’t feel like I’m a part of my home county but I’m stuck there. At least I’m a person who doesn’t give up easily.
What is your abusive parent’s favorite Love Crumb?
My mom’s was doing crafts together. She makes things for local boutiques and we used to do that together and she would just tell me I was good at it. That was quite literally the only praise I ever got about anything and it happened very rarely, but it was enough to fool me into thinking she didn’t absolutely loathe me as a human being.
My dad buys me whatever I want. Well, sometimes. If we’re at the store and I see something I want, I’ll try to buy it, but he refuses to let me pay for it myself. Other times, he won’t leave the store unless I buy something. He uses that to manipulate me. It’s so annoying.
Mommy Maddie time…I miss when I didn’t realize I wasn’t being abused …I still love her even though she hurts me
I used to get the promise of an investment property I could live in dangled in front of me. I believed it, truly, that mum and dad would help me in that way. That I could have that boost up. Never happened.
A couple of times I got taken to concerts I really wanted to go to, too. And once I got taken on a trip to another city, just my mother and me, but I suspect that was more for mum than me.
Children in abusive families aren’t accepted nor acknowledged as the valuable member of the family. They’re being told they’re freeloaders, someone allowed to live in the house who should be grateful they get to sleep there. They’re considered a financial burden, and an emotional one, if they ever need attention or care. They’re told to compare themselves to children who aren’t so lucky and are starvng on the street, or being abused much worse my caretakers. They’re forced to count their blessings, as if each and every one of them isn’t used against them. They’re only being presented as the children to guests and outsiders, who parents are trying to impress or play normal family game in front of. They’re being used by parents to feel good about themselves, and then discarded as if they’re worthless.
In healthy families no child is considered a burden, or less valuable than any other person in the family, it’s the opposite, the parents are able to acknowledge that as the youngest and most vulnerable member, the child should get most attention, care and help growing up and forming into an individual. In healthy families there’s no question of letting the child be hungry if there’s food, threatening them of losing place to sleep if they are able to provide a bed. There’s no comparing the child to those who were less lucky, it’s parents who question if they could do anything better, make the life of their child better. Child doesn’t have to worry about finances, or have anything they have or do used against them, they know whatever belongs to parents, is theirs as well, and they know if something goes wrong, parents are going to have their back. Healthy families give children feeling of safety, stability, value, confidence, support, and community. They’re a pillar of strength for the child. Child doesn’t have to fulfill certain conditions to deserve it, or work tirelessly to deserve to be a part of the family. There’s no game of pretense in front of outsiders, they’re not only a child of these people in certain conditions or when the parents find it convenient, they’re treated well at all times.
*gaslighting parent voice* I’m sorry if you feel hurt by anything I did to you, just know that it was never my intention to hurt you and that I love you
Wait wait wait.
I’m so confused.
Is this not what a genuine apology is?
Now I’m worried I’ve been apologizing wrongly to everyone. How do I tell them I’m sorry my actions hurt them, as in I’m sorry for my actions, and sorry that the other person is having these emotions because of me, if sounding like this is gaslighting?
I thought this was the right way to do it. I don’t understand and I’m worried.
“I’m sorry if you feel hurt by anything I’ve done” deflecting blame off of you for behaviour and onto them for having the reaction
“Just know it was never my intention to hurt you and that I love you” Not addressing the problem or the pain, making it about yourself and how it was an accident, not addressing the other person
“I’m sorry that I hurt you” is a good start, along with perhaps
“I know that I shouldn’t have treated you like that”
“If there’s any way I can make this up to you please don’t hesitate to let me know”
A good formula is
“I’m sorry for _____”
“It was wrong because” or “I was wrong because” (“i was in the wrong, I shouldn’t have treated you like that” or “I’m at fault here, I shouldn’t have yelled at you”)
“Next time I’ll _____” (“consider your feelings first”/“manage my anger in a way that isn’t taking it out on you”)
“Can you forgive me?”
The most important part of an apology is acknowledging the pain caused and taking responsibility for it. Using words like “I’m sorry you felt that way”, “you don’t understand, I meant it like X”, “you know that I’d never hurt you intentionally” is manipulative and doesn’t help anyone. (Not to say that you use those phrases, or are manipulative, but we all can be and it’s important to acknowledge these behaviours and cut them out in order to form healthy & strong relationships)
This is how vulnerable you were when your abusive parents started hitting you and telling you you’re shit. Look at this picture and let that sink in. Then stop blaming yourself.
Kids are never lost causes. Adults who say that are just too lazy or cold hearted to give a kid what it needs. My mother used to like to tell me that I was a lost cause. Specifically she would say, “I thought love could overcome anything, but I learned from you that I was wrong.” She would say this in response to me being not being the type of person she wanted me to be. If she wanted me to be a certain way and I wouldn’t be, she would say I would never let her love me. Of course, that doesn’t make any sense at all. Trying to make someone be something you want has nothing to do with love. She was constantly claiming that she was trying to love me and I just wouldn’t accept it.
Here’s the thing. She never tried. She abused me. She controlled me. She hit me. She swore at me. She blamed me for things I didn’t do. She told me I was lying when I was telling the truth. She told other people I was a bad kid. She yelled at me. She called me fat. She completely ignored me when I was doing everything right. She lied to me. She belittled me. She derided me. She chastised me. She scolded me. She did all these things and more, but love me? She never did that. Not one time during my entire life did she ever tell me she was proud of something I did. What kind of mother fails to be proud of their child?
What kind of mother tells her child that her own failure to love is the child’s fault? I don’t think I have to answer this question. I think we all know what kind of mother blames her failures on her children.
also i hate how having good parents is a privilege because so many people genuinely hate their parents like it litcherally kills me that not everyone had/has good parents or at least one good parent. if you dont love your children with everything you have fuck u bitch
I support this message but I have a Lot of Questions about the image attached to it
When your parents are being shitty and you have to be the adult in the room again:
You never deserve abuse because you’re too needy or clingy
You never deserve abuse because you “let it happen” or “didn’t fight back” or “didn’t stand up for yourself”
You never deserve abuse because you “let it get this far” or you “stayed this long”
You never deserve abuse because your abuser is your mother or father, sister or brother, other family member, your boyfriend, girlfriend, fiancée, husband, or wife
You never deserve abuse because you have a particular mental or physical illness
You never deserve abuse because you’re “too emotional”
You never deserve abuse because you were “asking for it”
You never deserve abuse even though you’ve made mistakes, or said something wrong, or haven’t understood something, or can’t remember something
You never deserve abuse for being “too much” or “not good enough”
You never deserve abuse for having off days or being vulnerable sometimes
You never deserve abuse for asking for help
You never deserve abuse, no matter how many times and how many ways your abuser justifies it or makes excuses for it.
Omg thank you it’s hard for me to remember this because my whole life it’s been drilled into my head that it’s my fault
You folks made me so fucking sad. This was me too and I had to learn through therapy that this is not how it should be. You shouldn’t be afraid to ask your parents for comfort and support as a five-year-old who just had a nightmare. Your parents were assholes who made you feel like a burden for existing as a child.
Since I cut contact I’ve never ever needed MY mother.
All my life I’ve needed A mother, so since I’ve cut contact sometimes I’ve needed A mother, but I’ve never needed MY mother. because nobody needs toxicity and that’s all MY mother is.
Yes. This is exactly it
This. So. Much. This.
A woman I met online when I was fifteen who lives on the other side of the country is more of a mother to me than my maternal unit could ever hope to be.
Reminder: the vast majority of abusers would not label themselves abusers. They would not label most (or any) of their actions as abusive. Not out loud, not even in their own minds.
The vast majority of abusers would adamantly deny it if you told them their actions are abusive. They’d fire back with a thousand reasons why their behaviour is perfectly normal and justified, why it’s your fault you feel hurt, and why you accusing them of being abusive is selfish or insane.
That doesn’t make their abuse any less real. It doesn’t make you any less of a victim or survivor.
If I didn’t have my cats, my therapist, the ketamine–the stunt my abuser pulled yesterday would have killed me.
I need people to understand this. I’m not trying to stigmatize people with disorders when I talk about what it’s like being a survivor–currently still surviving it.
