#christian marriage
Even the most submissive of wives will test you from time to time. These tests might be intentional, or they might be subconscious, but the purpose of these tests are to ensure that she is safe in your leadership.
A test might like look outright intentional disobedience, or it might be more subtle - testing a boundary, pushing you to get a reaction, or generally bratty behavior.
The key to passing these tests are to recognize them for what they are. She’s looking to see if you will remain a strong oak in the face of adversity.
It’s easy to fail these tests - losing your temper, reacting in kind, or letting her attitude change yours. On the other side of the spectrum, you can also fail these tests by being aloof, indifferent, or giving in. These reactions tell her that she is not safe with you, and impairs her ability to fully submit.
Passing the test can be equally easy by exercising a technique called amused mastery.
Imagine that you were play-wrestling with your kids. You’d allow them to pin you, and it wouldn’t hurt your pride. You wouldn’t take them as a serious threat. Even though they might be using every ounce of their strength to try to take you down, you’d see no need to match their effort. You’d find the whole thing fun and cute, confident in the fact that you know (and your kids know) that if they took things to far you could easily bring an end to it.
So it should be when your wife tests you. You shouldn’t match her emotional level, or get sucked into a battle. Your reaction to her should be loving, secure, and somewhat amused.
Amused Mastery in Action
My wife recently announced that she was on a laundry strike. “A what?”, I asked, arching my eyebrow with a mild grin. She then proceeded to tell me that there was too much laundry to do, and it wasn’t fair that she had to do all of it, so she was going on strike.
Now, there are a couple ways I could have failed this test.
I could have tried to logically explain to her we laundry was her responsibility and that if she had done more during the week, there wouldn’t be so much to do right now (pro-tip: if your plan for navigating your wife’s tests involves the use of logic … best of luck with that)
I could have lost my temper and yelled at her, which would have probably resulted in the laundry getting done but her feeling unsafe in my leadership.
I could have acquiesced with a “yes dear”. This would have also left her feeling unsafe in my leadership.
Here’s how it actually played out. I’m not saying it is the perfect approach, but hopefully it illustrates amused mastery in action. Picking the story back up …
Her: “(some convoluted reasoning on why she was on a laundry strike)
Me: “Ok, so you are on strike. Where is your picket sign?”
Her, stomp foot: “I’m serious!”
Me: “I know dear, this is all very serious. I guess I’ll need to do some laundry then. In fact, I should get started now.”
Her: “Good! Hey, what are you doing?”
Me: (Unzipping the back of her dress) “I’m doing laundry! Let’s get these in the washer ASAP”
Her: (starting to giggle but trying to remain very serious) “This isn’t what I meant!”
Me: (Undoing her bra and lowering her panties) “Sorry, but I am doing the laundry now and nothing can stop me”
Her: “We’ll see about that!”
Fast-forward. I’m lying in bed in a post-sex haze when I hear her quietly tip-toe out of the bedroom to start a load of laundry.
Do you want your wife to surrender and submit?
Then give her the freedom to do so. Lead with purpose and passion. Own what goes on in your household. Free her from having to worry if you are on top of things.When men are too lazy or disengaged to lead, she will naturally feel the need to step into the gap, in the way that a mother will clean up after her children. But no woman wants to submit to her son - she wants to submit to her a competent, capable husband.Put another way - you must first own your sh*t before you can own her submission.Post link
“Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” Ephesians 5:31 (ESV)
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A man should get his livelihood in order and after that he should get married and start his family. A young man is not ready to begin the process of courtship until he is financially ready to support his family.
Michael Farris, A Sacred Foundation: The Importance Of Strength In The Home School Marriage
Steel Qualities
Guide, Protector, Provider
Builder of Society
Masculinity
Character
Confidence
Health
The steel side of a man makes women and children feel secure. Arouses admiration of all. Makes women feel womanly.
Velvet Qualities
Understands women
Gentleness
Attentiveness
Youthfulness
Humility
Refinement
The velvet side of a man promotes good human relations among all people. Awakens love in women and children.
When a man has both Steel and Velvet qualities, it brings him peace, happiness, and fulfillment.
Aubrey Andelin, Man of Steel and Velvet: A Guide to Masculine Development
A happy marriage is the true test of your skills in the art of femininity.
Arlene Dahl, Always Ask a Man: Arlene Dahl’s Key to Femininity
I’m sure you’ve heard the phrase, ‘You’ll attract more bees with honey than you will with vinegar.’ This is the very aspect of human nature against which feminists have rebelled. To them, being sweet means being a doormat. They are wrong. Being feminine - kind, soft, nurturing, or whatever adjective you prefer - is only suffocating if you’re in love with a Neanderthal… . Most men are much nicer than feminists would have you believe. And if you treat them with honey as opposed to vinegar, you’d be surprised what you’ll get in return.
Suzanne Venker, How to Choose a Husband: and Make Peace with Marriage
Women have no idea how to use their femininity to their advantage, so they end up rearing their heads, trying to be something they’re not. Instead of becoming wives, they become competitors. This is the number one mistake women make… Men like to chase women and women like to be chased - that’s just the way it is. Don’t become the hunter. Don’t call a guy or make the first move. Don’t try to take charge or be in control. That’s what men are supposed to do. Let them.
Suzanne Venker, How to Choose a Husband: and Make Peace with Marriage
No other role in your life will require more selflessness than being a wife and mother. If you want to be successful at it, you need to start thinking about other people’s needs. You need to ignore all that coddling you’ve been given and stop thinking in terms of what you think you deserve or are entitled to. To have a fulfilling, beautiful life- the best life you can have - you don’t need to find yourself. You need to get over yourself.
Suzanne Venker, How to Choose a Husband: and Make Peace with Marriage
Does rejecting feminism mean rejecting women’s equality? No, because that’s not what feminism is about. Rejecting feminism means recognizing that women don’t need feminism to make them equal to men because they already are equal- just not the same. Does rejecting feminism mean rejecting women’s liberation? Yes- if liberation means liberating women from marriage and motherhood. We have learned the hard way that there is nothing empowering about ignoring one’s biology.
Suzanne Venker and Phyllis Schlafly, The Flipside of Feminism: What Conservative Women Know - And Men Can’t Say
The problem with the sexual revolution is that it was predicated on the lies that gender differences don’t exist and that women want what men want.
Suzanne Venker and Phyllis Schlafly, The Flipside of Feminism: What Conservative Women Know - And Men Can’t Say
The truth is that feminism has been the single worst thing that has happened to American women. It did not liberate women at all- it confused them. It made their lives harder…. Their female nature tells them sex requires love; marriage is important; children are a blessing; and men are necessary. The culture, meanwhile, tells them to sleep around and postpone family life because that will cost them their identity. And, if their marriage doesn’t work out, it’s no big deal. They can always get divorced. Is it any wonder modern women are unhappy?
Suzanne Venker and Phyllis Schlafly, The Flipside of Feminism: What Conservative Women Know - And Men Can’t Say
The second tenet of feminism is that, of all injustices perpetuated on women through the centuries, the most oppressive is that women have babies and men do not. The abolition of this inequality is the primary goal. That is why women on the left are compulsively driven to make abortion and daycare universally available to all women - and taxpayer-funded. Women on the left believe they can achieve equality with men only if they can control the number of babies they have (through contraception and abortion) and can outsource (through nannies or daycare) the care of the babies they do have. Eliminate the babies, and the equality goal will be achieved.
Suzanne Venker and Phyllis Schlafly, The Flipside of Feminism: What Conservative Women Know - And Men Can’t Say
I believe most women don’t appreciate how much they are responsible for the tone of the home and the entire family. This statement is not about placing fault or blame; it is about acknowledging the incredible power women have in impacting those around them. Both children and husbands are inexorably dependent upon the approval, appreciation, and acceptance of Mom. Without that, they are desolate- and they behave badly.
Dr. Laura Schlessinger, The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands
In addition to the obvious physical pleasure involved, men desire sex in order to feel emotionally closer to their wives. So perhaps more wives should say, ‘All my husband wants is to feel close to me,’ instead of ‘All my husband wants is sex from me.’ That would make it much harder to dismiss the husband and his unique male sexuality. Sex is the way men communicate their emotions to and about their wives.
Dr. Laura Schlessinger, The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands
If she must become the man of the family, she isn’t free to function as a woman, to devote her time and thought to making a success of her equally demanding duties as wife and mother.
Aubrey Andelin, Man of Steel and Velvet: A Guide to Masculine Development
A woman’s security does not lie in money her partner earns. She finds it in him as a person of character and dependability.
Aubrey Andelin, Man of Steel and Velvet: A Guide to Masculine Development
Seeing him (her employer) at his best and perhaps as a more effective and dynamic leader than her husband, she makes comparisons unfavorable to her husband whose faults and failings she knows only too well.
Aubrey Andelin, Man of Steel and Velvet: A Guide to Masculine Development
With a strong man, the dominating woman does not exist. Women take over as men allow them to. The responsibility to retain his position is his. This he must do at all costs.
Aubrey Andelin, Man of Steel and Velvet: A Guide to Masculine Development
The Domestic Goddess adds feminine touches to her homemaking - gingham curtains, a basket of fruit, soft pillows, a cozy rug at the door, flowers, a row of plates above a crossbeam, cheerful wallpaper - to give a homey feeling to the house. She adds feminine touches to her meals- cheerful tablecloths, pretty dishes, and delicious aromas.
She also adds a warmth of spirit to her household. She scatters sunshine, makes a house a home, fills it with understanding, love, and happiness.
Helen Andelin
I would like to change the name ‘housewife’ to ‘home maker.’ ‘Housewife’ has such a commercial sound, but ‘home maker’ - there is all the love of home, of happiness, of family and neighborliness in its meaning.
I have found that there is something more important than running the home itself. It is that a woman has her husband’s temperament to consider as well as her own, and also, later on, the temperament of each child.
The woman who can make every member of her family feel that his or her personality matters in all home affairs, and that a little bit of home specially belongs to each one, will surely succeed as a home maker.
Rose Buckner’s Book of Homemaking
