Help! A Teen Disagrees With Me!

Dear Abby, 23 September 2021:

DEAR ABBY: I am cleaning out my closet and have decided to sell my wedding dress from 21 years ago. I love the dress; it’s beautiful. But it’s a very large box to store. My 16-year-old daughter has made it clear to me she will never marry. It was difficult for me to accept, as she’s my only daughter. The thing is, she wants to try my dress on. I don’t want her to because she doesn’t agree with the sanctity of marriage or the commitment of it, and I don’t want my wedding dress tried on by anyone who feels this way about marriage. It means more than playing dress-up, and I believe it should be worn only by someone who respects it. Am I wrong? Does my daughter have a right to have hurt feelings over this? – NOT A GAME OF DRESS-UP

Dear Not A Game Of Dress-Up,

Madam, you must defend the holy and precious institution of marriage at all costs lest one single teenager wearing a dress decimate the blessed sacrament! You hold the fates of marriages the world over in your hands, and you mustn’t let your daughter obliterate billions of lives by applying cloth to her body. You and your unassailable principles are the only thing protecting an all-too-vulnerable world from the end of the very concept of marriage as we know it!

Not only does your daughter not have a right to experience hurt feelings over this, but she really owes you and every other person who has been married, considered marriage, or who vaguely believes in marriage as a concept a major apology. Why, marriage is not a game of dress-up! Marriage is primarily and historically a business and financial arrangement built to reinforce the patriarchy by legally regulating and mandating heterosexual relationships for the purpose of increasing wealth and property by treating women like interchangeable broodmares whose sole value rests in their reproductive capacities, and making men think they’re worthless if they don’t make gobs of money and spend their evenings grunting with the boys over brandy and cigars. Ah, romance! That your daughter would take an ill view of such a beloved and honored custom is genuinely mystifying.

We can be sure, of course, that your daughter will never marry, nor will she ever change her mind about marrying under any circumstances whatsoever. Teenage declarations are contractually binding, and grand proclamations about future life plans by 16-year-olds in particular are known for their consistency and longevity. And yet you must seek to change her mind, otherwise you may be obligated to support her in indefinite spinsterhood should she fail to match with a master who can provide her with food and housing in exchange for heirs.

The best way to convince your daughter that marriage is desirable is to tell her that her filthy, offensive body will desecrate a piece of clothing you’ve kept shoved in a box in the back of your closet for over twenty years unless the little hussy straightens out her attitude. If that doesn’t have her beating a path to the altar with the closest available male, the next best way to respect and honor marriage as an institution is to sell your wedding dress for cash.