Help! People Are Using Nicknames For Each Other!

Dear Abby, 8 October 2021:

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been happily married for 10 years. This is a second marriage for both of us. We don’t have children together, but my husband has grown daughters in their 50s from a previous marriage. Generally, we have good relationships with each other.

My problem is, my husband still calls – and refers to – his daughters by their childhood nicknames, “Peanut” and “Poopsie.” They reciprocate by calling him by silly names instead of “Dad” or “Father.” Seeing these adult women reverting to childhood drives me up a wall. They talk and act like little girls and use baby talk with each other, too.

I have shared with my husband more than once that this “innocent” nickname game keeps his daughters stuck in old childhood patterns, while keeping other family members out of the conversation. How would you suggest I handle this? – FEELING LIKE AN OUTSIDER

Dear Feeling Like An Outsider,

One thing people do a lot when they get older is give up harmless and emotionally significant life-long habits because somebody else finds them mildly irritating, so that bodes very well for your situation here!

It’s always healthy to spend your time and energy being angry at people who are doing something that doesn’t have anything the fuck to do with you, affects you not at all, and is absolutely not about you in any possible way.

You should handle this as you already have done, by chastising grown-ass people for the way they talk to each other. That is definitely a mature thing to do, demonstrates that you are the only true adult in the room, and does not at all mimic any old childhood patterns whatsoever.

Continue to “share” your thoughts about how your husband and his daughters communicate, whenever you want and ideally with increasing frequency. They’ll likely be incredibly receptive to your suggestions and appreciate your valuable input. The most likely outcome is that they will thank you profusely for your kind corrections and wish to include you more fully in their lives. You will no longer be an outsider in this particular family, that’s for certain.

Help! A Teen Disagrees With Me!

Dear Abby, 23 September 2021:

DEAR ABBY: I am cleaning out my closet and have decided to sell my wedding dress from 21 years ago. I love the dress; it’s beautiful. But it’s a very large box to store. My 16-year-old daughter has made it clear to me she will never marry. It was difficult for me to accept, as she’s my only daughter. The thing is, she wants to try my dress on. I don’t want her to because she doesn’t agree with the sanctity of marriage or the commitment of it, and I don’t want my wedding dress tried on by anyone who feels this way about marriage. It means more than playing dress-up, and I believe it should be worn only by someone who respects it. Am I wrong? Does my daughter have a right to have hurt feelings over this? – NOT A GAME OF DRESS-UP

Dear Not A Game Of Dress-Up,

Madam, you must defend the holy and precious institution of marriage at all costs lest one single teenager wearing a dress decimate the blessed sacrament! You hold the fates of marriages the world over in your hands, and you mustn’t let your daughter obliterate billions of lives by applying cloth to her body. You and your unassailable principles are the only thing protecting an all-too-vulnerable world from the end of the very concept of marriage as we know it!

Not only does your daughter not have a right to experience hurt feelings over this, but she really owes you and every other person who has been married, considered marriage, or who vaguely believes in marriage as a concept a major apology. Why, marriage is not a game of dress-up! Marriage is primarily and historically a business and financial arrangement built to reinforce the patriarchy by legally regulating and mandating heterosexual relationships for the purpose of increasing wealth and property by treating women like interchangeable broodmares whose sole value rests in their reproductive capacities, and making men think they’re worthless if they don’t make gobs of money and spend their evenings grunting with the boys over brandy and cigars. Ah, romance! That your daughter would take an ill view of such a beloved and honored custom is genuinely mystifying.

We can be sure, of course, that your daughter will never marry, nor will she ever change her mind about marrying under any circumstances whatsoever. Teenage declarations are contractually binding, and grand proclamations about future life plans by 16-year-olds in particular are known for their consistency and longevity. And yet you must seek to change her mind, otherwise you may be obligated to support her in indefinite spinsterhood should she fail to match with a master who can provide her with food and housing in exchange for heirs.

The best way to convince your daughter that marriage is desirable is to tell her that her filthy, offensive body will desecrate a piece of clothing you’ve kept shoved in a box in the back of your closet for over twenty years unless the little hussy straightens out her attitude. If that doesn’t have her beating a path to the altar with the closest available male, the next best way to respect and honor marriage as an institution is to sell your wedding dress for cash.