#cw suicidal thoughts

CW: Suicide and suicidal thoughts, if any of that triggers you even a little please don’t read this and take care of yourself <3 

This movie resonated with me HARD, especially because of an experience I had on the internet a few years ago while I was struggling with suicidal thoughts. I didn’t know what to do with my feelings but I wanted to talk to someone so I hopped on a chatroulette-kinda site. I talked to a couple of people who didn’t know what to do but wished me the best, and then I met Yuki (Please lmk, would it be proper or not to use honorifics? I am not Japanese, but Yuki was and I want to honor her, I’d hate it if I was disrespecting her by being too informal). 

Yuki was about my age, and also struggling with suicidal thoughts. I don’t know where she was in Japan, she’d mentioned living abroad and while her English wasn’t flawless, she was definitely fluent. We talked about our lives and the things that made us happy as well as the pain we were going through, how we felt so trapped and just wanted an escape. We both had a yearning to return to happiness we were frustrated with. But unlike me, Yuki had no one in her life to support her, and dismissed her own feelings as dramatic even as she told me that she was planning on ending things. She just wanted a friend to talk to before she went through with her plans…where I was undecided when it came to what to do about my feelings, Yuki decided she wanted to end her own life, and she just wanted to talk to someone who wouldn’t dismiss that feeling. It’s what I needed, too.

Yuki was sweet, smart, empathetic, non-judgmental, down to earth and so strong to have carried herself so far without support. The world would be worse off without her in it, and I told her that. She thanked me and assured me that she’d already made up her mind. I promised her I would never forget her. We emailed so we could have an actual real-life connection (the site just deleted chat logs when they were over) and Yuki told me she’d almost cried during the hours we talked- I know I had cried quite a bit (easy crier), and I cried even more when she said she was lucky to have known me. She told me she loved me, and I told her I loved her, too. And I realized I didn’t just love Yuki- I loved myself, and I deserved a chance just like she did. I never heard from her again, though, so I don’t know what happened to her. I hope she changed her mind and is safe and surrounded by support somewhere. I know it’s not likely, but that’s what she deserved.

When I hear this movie’s music, I think of Yuki (especially A Million Miles Away). I hope that wherever she is she knows she made a real difference in my life. 

When Suzu says she loves Kei in her song (and he later returns the sentiment when they meet in person) I don’t think it’s romantic. It’s the way I love Yuki, and the way she said she loved me- as a person who was there for me and understood me when no one else in my life did. Someone who reached out to me the way Suzu reached out to Kei. It’s not romance, but it’s still incredibly special. Just because beauty and the beast of this story don’t love each other romantically, that shouldn’t be to the film’s detriment. I actually think it makes it more special.