#dad tom
I know I haven’t been updating a lot of series recently but I am trying to get round to everything. I hope you all will like this part of my Tom Holland series, feedback is always amazing.
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Series Taglist: @sarbear94@myartistrash02@spideyh0lland @firefairy
Summary: Tom and (Y/n) are expecting their first child together and everyone is excited. But (Y/n) fears she won’t be a good mother when her own mum put her through Hell and back and the past won’t leave her alone.
Enjoy.
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“Thank you for bringing me.” A shy but sincere smile formed on (Y/n)’s lips and her head tipped to the side so she could look over at Paddy sitting next to her.
The cheesy smile on Paddy’s face was enough to make (Y/n) feel more relaxed around him and in the waiting room in general. She held nothing against any of Tom’s family, but a family was something (Y/n) never had. She didn’t know how to act around the boys because she didn’t have siblings, (Y/n) only felt comfortable around her grandparents and around Tom.
With everyone else she felt awkward and uncomfortable because she hadn’t learnt the social skills she needed to be around people and interact with them. Her mother had ruined her childhood, worsened her health and taken away her ability to be around others and form a trusting bond with people.
“You’re welcome, besides I’m excited to see my nephew.” Paddy shrugged his shoulders but the way he clasped his hands together and tapped his foot against the floor showed he was nervous and excited.
Tom was away until tomorrow on a small press tour and he had asked Paddy if he would mind taking (Y/n) to her scan appointment. It meant that (Y/n) didn’t have to get a taxi which she hated to do on her own for fear that something would happen to her. And it also meant she didn’t have to go on the crowded buses to get to the doctors.
When Tom was home he would take her anywhere she needed to go without any fuss or bother, he didn’t mind driving them about and when he was there with her to get a taxi (Y/n) felt calmer.
Driving was something (Y/n) always wanted to do, it was a means of escape. She could get away from awkward situations, she could take herself anywhere she needed or wanted to go by driving herself around. It was a sense of freedom and stopped her from feeling bad when relying on her family and few friends to take her places so she didn’t have to get the bus or a taxi. But it was something (Y/n) couldn’t do.
Due to her epilepsy, (Y/n) couldn’t even try and take driving lessons unless she could go six months without having a seizure. She had frequently come close to that target but never quite achieved it so driving was practically forbidden to her. It was just another thing that Holly had managed to steal away from her.
“What makes you so sure it’s going to be a boy?”
“I’ve just got a feeling, although mum’s praying it’s a girl, she always wanted a girl.”
It was no secret that Nicki was hoping she could have a granddaughter, she had four boys of her own and although she loved them all to the end of the Earth, she did have a yearning for a little girl to spoil. Whereas Paddy was just certain that he was going to have a nephew, it seemed to be the way things would work and he wanted another boy to teach and mess with and look after.
“(Y/n) (Y/l/n).”
(Y/n) looked down at her slightly expanding stomach in contemplation and nervousness as she and Paddy got up to follow the midwife. It almost didn’t feel real until (Y/n) noticed that her stomach was ever so slightly rounded now, giving just the hint of pregnancy to reassure (Y/n) that she wasn’t dreaming.
She wasn’t sure if she had a preference or a wish to have a boy or a girl as long as nothing went wrong and the past didn’t repeat itself. But there was worry in the back of (Y/n)’s mind because if she and Tom had a boy, there was the nagging thought that he might pass away just like her brother had done. But then if she had a girl, would (Y/n) be suceptible to the depression and psychosis that Holly had?
Would (Y/n) end up hurting her own boy or girl just like Holly had?
Any and every thought dwelled in her mind as she slowly laid on the cold leather chair.
(Y/n) wanted this, her heart yearned and screamed and drowned with the passion and need to have this baby. To have a family of her own that loved her unconditionally and that she could raise and grow without pain or torture. But she didn’t know if she was capable of doing everything that she wished to do.
If she was programmed the same way as Holly then she was doomed.
All the nagging and persisting thoughts suddenly quietened down when (Y/n)found herself looking at the monitor that revealed her growing baby. As she stared at the black and white screen, (Y/n) wondered how her mother could ever feel any horrible feelings towards an innocent new life.
(Y/n) didn’t have the connection yet that she desired to have with her baby but she certainly had no horrid feelings towards them either. She could feel herself growing more and more attached to the little life she was preserving which is more than could be said for Holly. And that thought alone was enough to make (Y/n) sure that she was going to be better at motherhood than Holly ever dreamed to be.
“That’s amazing.” Paddy whispered the words more to himself than to (Y/n) but when she heard his words she took hold of his hand.
A smile wormed its way onto Paddy’s lips when (Y/n) held his hand, he knew his future sister-in-law wasn’t one for affection or touch and that was fine with him. But to know she was getting comfortable around him and was becoming more of a sibling to him made his heart soar. He’d never had a sister before but all the boys had taken to (Y/n) the moment they met her, Paddy knew she was one of them.
All they wanted was to make her one of them, bring her into the family and love her as their family.
Paddy knew it wasn’t going to be easy when he saw how (Y/n) recoiled from them on the first meet. She wouldn’t let them hug or touch her, she hardly spoke to them and the way she seemed to fear their mother broke them all.
None of them knew what she had gone through to be so nervous about a loving family as theirs, but they were all going to try and help her.
“Right, well while the pictures are printing I just need to take a blood sample.”
“Oh, I can’t watch that, mum has to bring me for those, I tend to faint when I see the needle.” A light but nervous chuckle left Paddy’s lips and a shiver ran down his spine just at the thought.
Needles weren’t his strong point and he didn’t like seeing blood unless it was just a small scratch. It made his stomach churn and he had learned from a young age that if he needed his bloods taken then someone had to come with him and it was usually Nicki. He tended to faint almost every time, even if he wasn’t looking at the needle or the blood, the feeling made his head turn to mush and the next thing he was waking up with a splitting head wondering what was happening.
“(Y/n)?”
Paddy looked down at (Y/n) when he realised she hadn’t answered him but his eyes narrowed and he felt his stomach tensing as he looked at her.
There was a faraway look in her eyes that seemed to be shaking but as he looked closer, Paddy realised (Y/n)’s head was tilted to the right, also trembling like her eyes. Her left hand was bent back towards her wrist as far as it could possibly manage and her fingers on that hand were curled and twitching making Paddy’s own hand hurt just to watch.
“I- um, she-”
“It’s okay, she’s just having a myotonic seizure, it shouldn’t last too long.”
A comforting look passed over the midwife’s features before she pressed her fingers to (Y/n)’s neck, checking her pulse and making sure her airways were clear and open before she stepped back.
Neither of them could touch (Y/n) when she was like this other than to prevent her from falling from the chair or accidentally harming herself. The seizure just needed to play itself out, there wasn’t anything to give her that would immediately stop it.
Paddy hated looking at (Y/n) when she was like this, it felt like he was watching something intimate, witnessing something that should be kept private. The way her hand bent made him want to be sick because surely it had to hurt, despite her not doing it on purpose and her neck was going to hurt too. When her jaw started to grind Paddy felt like crying.
To him, it felt like hours had passed when it was only two minutes at the most before (Y/n)’s movements slowly started to stop and her eyes closed as she regained consciousness and control over herself.
“Alright hun, you’re back. Do you feel dizzy, nauseous?” The midwife shone a light over (Y/n)’s eyes to make sure they were constricting properly and that she was fully conscious before checking her pulse again.
“Uh, no I feel okay.”
(Y/n)’s stomach was slightly churning but she knew she wasn’t going to be sick, it felt like she had been up in the air and was now falling back to the ground with her stomach still high above her. The only seizure she’d had so far whilst being pregnant was a ten second one when she and Tom were out in the car. He noticed she stopped talking but when he pulled over she was talking again, suddenly realising she had seized and missed a few seconds.
Those ones were better, when they didn’t last long and (Y/n) didn’t feel any effects from them. But then again, this one hadn’t been as bad as some she used to have, it was very mild it was just irritating like road works slowing her day down.
“I want to go home.”
“That’s okay, we will schedule your bloods for another day.”
(Y/n) didn’t wait much longer before she got down from the chair, her palm rubbing her forehead as she headed out the room with Paddy. She didn’t want to wait to book another scan either, that could easily be done over the phone when she was home and felt safer and better.
“(Y/n)… your hand, it’s still bent.” There was no other way for Paddy to say it and he wasn’t trying to be rude but he could see her left hand was still bent back towards her wrist like it was glued in place.
“Oh, yeah it’s gone stiff. Sometimes takes a while to get it back under control, it’ll happen soon.”
Her right hand moved to gently caress her frozen hand, willing it to become unstuck and back to normal again- well, as normal as it could be considering her left hand was the one with nerve damage. It was normal to have her limbs frozen like this when they were affected by a seizure and it usually ended up being her wrists or hands. She knew it didn’t look right and she hated people noticing which was another reason she wanted to go back home now.
“Let’s get you home.”
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“Paddy mentioned he’d never seen you smile that much yesterday.”
Nicki looked over at (Y/n), a big yet warming smile on her lips that (Y/n) was slowly starting to like. She was never used to having a mother, especially not one who would give her such loving, caring and endearing looks but it was a nice kind of different that she was getting used to.
Whenever she saw Nicki it was like she was slowly merging into their family and she was gaining a motherly figure she had always wanted yet always despised since she never had one.
After the scan yesterday, (Y/n) had come back with Paddy to his parents home for a while, he didn’t want her to go home alone since she had the seizure and when Tom came back this morning, they came back to see his family. Paddy couldn’t help but mention to his mum that (Y/n) had been smiling and seemed like a more animated version of herself that was usually reserved for Tom’s eyes only.
It was amazing to see her being so happy about the baby when they all knew she was anxious to do her best. And to see her smiling and feeling more at ease around them all made everyone elaited.
“Yeah, I, I don’t know what I was expecting… my mum was overjoyed when she was pregnant the first time. Then when she was expecting me, I guess she thought I was a replacement, she wasn’t happy. If I feel excited, I don’t want to end up in her situation but if I don’t feel anything, I don’t want to feel no connection either.”
To (Y/n), there was no inbetween.
She wanted to be excited and prepared and loving towards her growing baby but that was how Holly had started out and then she lost her baby soon after. (Y/n) wouldn’t be able to live if she suddenly lost her baby for any reason. But if she tried to detach herself from the baby or if she didn’t feel anything, she might not get a bond with her baby and then she would be the version of her mother hating her child.
(Y/n) didn’t know which was worse.
“It’s… it’s difficult, but remember that this is your experience, not hers. I could never imagine losing a baby but I can understand feeling afraid something would go wrong a second time. But you aren’t going to lose the baby honey, and you already want this baby, that feeling won’t go away, I promise.”
Nicki didn’t know the situation, but from what she had gathered, she could see both sides.
She never could imagine the pain of losing a baby or a child at any age but she knew people who had. Having a child after losing one was either a good experience or a bad one. It was easy to see why Holly would be apprehensive towards a second baby and that caused her psychosis.
But her actions after her breakdown were all her own actions and (Y/n) wasn’t going to be like that.
“I do want the baby.” (Y/n) didn’t know why she was trying to convince Nicki, she had already said before that she knew (Y/n) was going to be a great mother and was forming a bond. But she still felt the need to make it heard that this was her choice and this is what she was aching for.
“I know honey.” Nicki rested her hand briefly on (Y/n)’s knee before she got up and headed out the room.
Slouching back against the sofa, (Y/n) tilted her chin down on her chest so she could look at her stomach. Her hands slowly ruffled under her shirt to feel her stomach, wishing she was further along so she could have the baby kicking and wriggling inside of her. Despite the pain in her wrist from how her hand was barely back to normal, (Y/n) started to rub circles over her stomach, wondering how it would feel when her stomach was a lot larger and she could feel the baby properly.
A flutter of adrenaline flickered to life in (Y/n)’s chest when she realised she was smiling to herself. She was feeling happy, content, sailing on clouds, this is what she wanted life to feel like. She wanted to feel like everything good was now coming into view, she wanted to enjoy feeling her baby grow and then have them in her arms and see Tom with their baby.
Shaking her head so she didn’t get too over-excited, (Y/n) pulled down her top again and slowly stood to her feet. She wanted to find Tom, she wanted to wrap her arms around him and hug him and kiss him and make him feel as elaited as she did.
“What are you all doing?” (Y/n)’s voice was quiet but the smile stayed present on her face as she folded her arms and stood in the doorway of the kitchen, watching the siblings curiously.
“Showing Harry how to make a cake.”
“Baby come try this, it’s better now I’ve fixed it.” Tom tilted his chin up to exert his pride and stature over his brothers who were all messing around at the counters beside him. He had a large plastic mixing bowl in his hand and a spoon which he had clearly taken a lick from to test the batter.
(Y/n) approached the boys with a small grin that got bigger when she saw the cheeky glint in Tom’s eyes that always meant a mix of fun and trouble. When she walked over to him he set the bowl down and traded it for the spoon so he could wind his other arm around (Y/n) and coil her into his side.
(Y/n)’s brow rose when she could feel Tom’s hand swiftly move down from her back down to caress her bum before he held the spoon out to her so she could try.
“It’s good.” Her tongue darted out to swipe the mix from her lips but her body jolted when she felt Tom’s lips moving to her neck and his teeth grazing against her skin. She shivered the moment he pulled away to look behind him at the twins who were arguing over their cake mix and subsequently getting all the ingredients everywhere. (Y/n) could see Paddy from the corner of her eye just as he grabbed a handful of flour and launched it at their heads.
“Oi!”
“You’re mum won’t like the mess you’re all making.” (Y/n) leaned away from a flour attack as the boys started to playfully argue and have a fight with the mixes that should go in the oven, not on the floor.
With a smile (Y/n) took the chance to try some more of the batter which either she or the baby had taken a liking to. It was easy to both watch yet block out the boys arguing in front of her, it was something she was getting used to since it was something she hadn’t witnessed during her own childhood.
“Mine’s better-”
“No it isn’t- stop throwing shit at me.”
All their voices seemed to blur together and they were in their argumentative element right until (Y/n) cried.
Tom’s head snapped to look behind him where he had left (Y/n) happily watching them just as Sam was raving and swinging the rolling pin up in the air like a sword he was going to attack them with. He could see the way (Y/n)’s eyes were blazed with fear like she was petrified of something- or even one of them!
She didn’t seem to realise she had cried out but Tom didn’t have time to move to comfort her before she had collapsed.
(Y/n)’s head flopped forward when her eyes closed and her lungs tightened so she couldn’t breathe. Her body lost all composure and she folded down like a piece of paper, crashing to the floor in a heap.
“Baby!”
Tom skidded down on his knees in front of (Y/n), being quick to try and lift her frame carefully but quickly, not wanting her to lay crumpled like that in case she hurt herself. He managed to ease her top half so that she was laying on his knees, carding his fingers through her hair before his eyes scanned round his brothers.
“Mum!”
“What are you all doing, who’s screaming?” Nicki’s voice flooded the house before the boys saw her standing in the doorway of the kitchen, her eyes wide and mixed with anger and confusion. “What have you done to her?”
She didn’t say it rudely or like she was blaming any of her children for something bad but she knew something had happened by the look on their faces that showed they were scared and worried. There was something in their eyes that Nicki knew when something had happened, whether they had pushed one of their brothers off a swing or slammed a cupboard and broken something.
“She fainted-”
“You were swinging something, what were you messing with? Did you aim it at her?!” Tom’s voice shouted out at one of his younger brothers as his eyes seethed across at Sam. He didn’t see what he was doing but he knew he had been messing with something. Maybe (Y/n) got scared and thought he was going to hurt her with it or it triggered something because Tom knew her better than anyone and she wouldn’t get frightened and faint like that for no reason.
“I was… I was just waving the rolling pin, I swear I didn’t aim it at her I didn’t.” Sam shook his head almost as badly as the rest of his body was shaking.
“That’s enough! You lot get out the kitchen and disappear, you can clean this mess up later.”
All three boys made a quick exit, knowing better than to dare argue with their mother, especially at a time like this.
“Baby? Come on, you’re alright.” Tom whispered quietly as he craned his neck down to look at (Y/n), smoothing his thumb over her cheek to try and coax her to wake up as his other hand rubbed up and down her shoulder. He’d seen her suffer panic attacks, nightmares, seizures, even a broken bone at one point, but he’d never seen her faint or collapse until now.
A swell of relief surged through Tom when (Y/n)’s eyelids started to flutter and her shoulders slowly jutted. He continued to rub her cheek to arouse her and bring her back round but his heart shattered when he saw tears welling in her eyes the moment she seemed to come awake.
Silent cries seemed to leave her chapped lips but Tom felt like crying himself when he saw the look in her eyes when she noticed Nicki was kneeling beside them. It was as if someone had pointed a gun directly to her forehead and she was told she was going to die.
“Honey, it’s-”
(Y/n) screamed.
Her voice was hoarse and the sound was shrill and piercing but it cut right through Tom’s heart. He watched his lover’s eyes drown in terror and swell with pain before another cry escaped her lips. She didn’t have the energy or control to move herself away but she tried, her body jutted and writhed like a fish on land before her trembling hands covered her eyes and forehead.
When she could feel Nicki’s hand on her thigh another scream left her lips and her hands pressed down on her face until Tom was sure she was going to smother herself.
“Mum no don’t touch her! Her mum used to abuse her, your touch will scare her. I’ll take her upstairs.”
It physically pained Tom to say that to his mother because she was the sweetest, most understanding and gentle woman he ever knew and she was the best mother out there. But if she touched (Y/n) when she was in a state like this and leaned over her (Y/n)’s mind would revert back to memories she didn’t want. She wasn’t good with contact or talking with Nicki because she had been hurt and that was all she knew a mother to be.
There was a small look of pain and guilt in Nicki’s eyes before she nodded and backed away to give them some space.
“I’ve got you baby, it’s just me and you.”
Tom turned (Y/n) so her head was resting on his shoulder, her body curled up to his chest before he picked her up in his arms and got to his feet. He had done this countless times but each time (Y/n) always laughed yet worried he would drop her or she was too heavy. But this time she simply curled up closer to his chest, breathing in his scent and tucking her face into his neck while her hands almost ripped through his shirt.
Turning the corner, Tom swiftly carried (Y/n) up the stairs, not wanting any of his family to witness (Y/n) like this because it wasn’t fair on her. She hated people seeing her hurt or emotional and Tom was the only one she would allow to comfort her when she was like this.
He kicked the door to his old room shut behind them before he gently lowered (Y/n) down on the bed and climbed to sit beside her, once again enveloping his arms around her to keep her against his chest.
“Baby… it’s okay now-”
“I-I’m bleeding, it hurts… oow it hurts.” (Y/n) could hardly breathe from how badly she was crying.
When she moved her hands to cradle her temple, Tom gently pulled her hands away and held her wrists gently in his hands so she could see them.
“No you’re not hurt baby I promise, look, no blood.” Tom definitely knew now that she had had a flashback in the kitchen. Her mother must have done something horrible to her for her to faint in fear that it would happen again and for her to think she was back there with blood covering her. “Just breathe for me-”
“She hurt me.”
“Why, what did she do to you baby girl?”
Tom’s voice was soft and apprehensive because he didn’t know if she would actually tell him or not. Whenever he brought up her past and dared to ask what she went through all he got was snippits and little bits. He knew she couldn’t bring herself to tell him but he needed to know what she had gone through to truly understand and to make sure he could help her through the pregnancy and keep her and their baby safe.
“I- I don’t know what I did, I don’t know why she hurt me.”
“What did she do?”
“T-the rolling pin, oh God, it hurt so bad. I couldn’t see, there was so much blood… she nearly killed me.”
(Y/n)’s eyes were closed and her fingers were ever so gently touching her temple like it was still spilling blood all over the floor. She could feel the pain she felt when she was eight, she could feel how intensely her head had split like a coconut, the sound the wood made when it hit her skull. The noise it made when it crashed to the floor beside her.
Then everything mushed together, the ambulance journey, the doctors, the bright lights, then waking up from surgery.
It all hurt.
“She hit you, with a rolling pin?” With each word Tom’s voice rose until he was seething anger and rage was burning from his dark eyes.
Tom’s body turned stiff until (Y/n) shuffled into his lap, wrapping her arms around his neck until he cocooned her to his chest, his chin resting on top of her head. He slowly started to sway them side to side to stop (Y/n) from noticing how he was shaking from rage.
No one was ever going to scare or hurt (Y/n) like that again, Tom wouldn’t let anyone do that to her.
Holly almost killed her, and she was her mother.
