Summary: Tom and (Y/n) are expecting their first child together and everyone is excited. But (Y/n) fears she won’t be a good mother when her own mum put her through Hell and back and the past won’t leave her alone.
Enjoy.
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A fond smile formed on (Y/n)’s lips as she rolled her eyes that had been concentrating on watching her grandparents for the last ten minutes. As much as they were a loving old couple who got along so well after the years, the amount of tiffs and arguments they had was unreal.
(Y/n) had been watching her grandma tap and hit her husband’s arm for the past five minutes, telling him quietly to stop poking around and touching things. This wasn’t the first time Laura and George had met Tom’s parents but she wanted to make a good impression still, and George prodding around their home wouldn’t do that, especially if he knocked something over.
They were all at Tom’s parent’s house for a celebration dinner, his parent’s wanted to celebrate that they would soon have their first grandchild and since (Y/n)’s grandparents had raised her, naturally they were invited round too.
Turning on her heels, (Y/n) left the pair bickering quietly in the front room and made her way through to the kitchen where Nicki and Henry were.
“Thank you for inviting them, they were thrilled when I told them.”
I know I haven’t been updating a lot of series recently but I am trying to get round to everything. I hope you all will like this part of my Tom Holland series, feedback is always amazing.
Summary: Tom and (Y/n) are expecting their first child together and everyone is excited. But (Y/n) fears she won’t be a good mother when her own mum put her through Hell and back and the past won’t leave her alone.
Enjoy.
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“Thank you for bringing me.” A shy but sincere smile formed on (Y/n)’s lips and her head tipped to the side so she could look over at Paddy sitting next to her.
The cheesy smile on Paddy’s face was enough to make (Y/n) feel more relaxed around him and in the waiting room in general. She held nothing against any of Tom’s family, but a family was something (Y/n) never had. She didn’t know how to act around the boys because she didn’t have siblings, (Y/n) only felt comfortable around her grandparents and around Tom.
With everyone else she felt awkward and uncomfortable because she hadn’t learnt the social skills she needed to be around people and interact with them. Her mother had ruined her childhood, worsened her health and taken away her ability to be around others and form a trusting bond with people.
“You’re welcome, besides I’m excited to see my nephew.” Paddy shrugged his shoulders but the way he clasped his hands together and tapped his foot against the floor showed he was nervous and excited.
Tom was away until tomorrow on a small press tour and he had asked Paddy if he would mind taking (Y/n) to her scan appointment. It meant that (Y/n) didn’t have to get a taxi which she hated to do on her own for fear that something would happen to her. And it also meant she didn’t have to go on the crowded buses to get to the doctors.
When Tom was home he would take her anywhere she needed to go without any fuss or bother, he didn’t mind driving them about and when he was there with her to get a taxi (Y/n) felt calmer.
Driving was something (Y/n) always wanted to do, it was a means of escape. She could get away from awkward situations, she could take herself anywhere she needed or wanted to go by driving herself around. It was a sense of freedom and stopped her from feeling bad when relying on her family and few friends to take her places so she didn’t have to get the bus or a taxi. But it was something (Y/n) couldn’t do.
Due to her epilepsy, (Y/n) couldn’t even try and take driving lessons unless she could go six months without having a seizure. She had frequently come close to that target but never quite achieved it so driving was practically forbidden to her. It was just another thing that Holly had managed to steal away from her.
“What makes you so sure it’s going to be a boy?”
“I’ve just got a feeling, although mum’s praying it’s a girl, she always wanted a girl.”
It was no secret that Nicki was hoping she could have a granddaughter, she had four boys of her own and although she loved them all to the end of the Earth, she did have a yearning for a little girl to spoil. Whereas Paddy was just certain that he was going to have a nephew, it seemed to be the way things would work and he wanted another boy to teach and mess with and look after.
“(Y/n) (Y/l/n).”
(Y/n) looked down at her slightly expanding stomach in contemplation and nervousness as she and Paddy got up to follow the midwife. It almost didn’t feel real until (Y/n) noticed that her stomach was ever so slightly rounded now, giving just the hint of pregnancy to reassure (Y/n) that she wasn’t dreaming.
She wasn’t sure if she had a preference or a wish to have a boy or a girl as long as nothing went wrong and the past didn’t repeat itself. But there was worry in the back of (Y/n)’s mind because if she and Tom had a boy, there was the nagging thought that he might pass away just like her brother had done. But then if she had a girl, would (Y/n) be suceptible to the depression and psychosis that Holly had?
Would (Y/n) end up hurting her own boy or girl just like Holly had?
Any and every thought dwelled in her mind as she slowly laid on the cold leather chair.
(Y/n) wanted this, her heart yearned and screamed and drowned with the passion and need to have this baby. To have a family of her own that loved her unconditionally and that she could raise and grow without pain or torture. But she didn’t know if she was capable of doing everything that she wished to do.
If she was programmed the same way as Holly then she was doomed.
All the nagging and persisting thoughts suddenly quietened down when (Y/n)found herself looking at the monitor that revealed her growing baby. As she stared at the black and white screen, (Y/n) wondered how her mother could ever feel any horrible feelings towards an innocent new life.
(Y/n) didn’t have the connection yet that she desired to have with her baby but she certainly had no horrid feelings towards them either. She could feel herself growing more and more attached to the little life she was preserving which is more than could be said for Holly. And that thought alone was enough to make (Y/n) sure that she was going to be better at motherhood than Holly ever dreamed to be.
“That’s amazing.” Paddy whispered the words more to himself than to (Y/n) but when she heard his words she took hold of his hand.
A smile wormed its way onto Paddy’s lips when (Y/n) held his hand, he knew his future sister-in-law wasn’t one for affection or touch and that was fine with him. But to know she was getting comfortable around him and was becoming more of a sibling to him made his heart soar. He’d never had a sister before but all the boys had taken to (Y/n) the moment they met her, Paddy knew she was one of them.
All they wanted was to make her one of them, bring her into the family and love her as their family.
Paddy knew it wasn’t going to be easy when he saw how (Y/n) recoiled from them on the first meet. She wouldn’t let them hug or touch her, she hardly spoke to them and the way she seemed to fear their mother broke them all.
None of them knew what she had gone through to be so nervous about a loving family as theirs, but they were all going to try and help her.
“Right, well while the pictures are printing I just need to take a blood sample.”
“Oh, I can’t watch that, mum has to bring me for those, I tend to faint when I see the needle.” A light but nervous chuckle left Paddy’s lips and a shiver ran down his spine just at the thought.
Needles weren’t his strong point and he didn’t like seeing blood unless it was just a small scratch. It made his stomach churn and he had learned from a young age that if he needed his bloods taken then someone had to come with him and it was usually Nicki. He tended to faint almost every time, even if he wasn’t looking at the needle or the blood, the feeling made his head turn to mush and the next thing he was waking up with a splitting head wondering what was happening.
“(Y/n)?”
Paddy looked down at (Y/n) when he realised she hadn’t answered him but his eyes narrowed and he felt his stomach tensing as he looked at her.
There was a faraway look in her eyes that seemed to be shaking but as he looked closer, Paddy realised (Y/n)’s head was tilted to the right, also trembling like her eyes. Her left hand was bent back towards her wrist as far as it could possibly manage and her fingers on that hand were curled and twitching making Paddy’s own hand hurt just to watch.
“I- um, she-”
“It’s okay, she’s just having a myotonic seizure, it shouldn’t last too long.”
A comforting look passed over the midwife’s features before she pressed her fingers to (Y/n)’s neck, checking her pulse and making sure her airways were clear and open before she stepped back.
Neither of them could touch (Y/n) when she was like this other than to prevent her from falling from the chair or accidentally harming herself. The seizure just needed to play itself out, there wasn’t anything to give her that would immediately stop it.
Paddy hated looking at (Y/n) when she was like this, it felt like he was watching something intimate, witnessing something that should be kept private. The way her hand bent made him want to be sick because surely it had to hurt, despite her not doing it on purpose and her neck was going to hurt too. When her jaw started to grind Paddy felt like crying.
To him, it felt like hours had passed when it was only two minutes at the most before (Y/n)’s movements slowly started to stop and her eyes closed as she regained consciousness and control over herself.
“Alright hun, you’re back. Do you feel dizzy, nauseous?” The midwife shone a light over (Y/n)’s eyes to make sure they were constricting properly and that she was fully conscious before checking her pulse again.
“Uh, no I feel okay.”
(Y/n)’s stomach was slightly churning but she knew she wasn’t going to be sick, it felt like she had been up in the air and was now falling back to the ground with her stomach still high above her. The only seizure she’d had so far whilst being pregnant was a ten second one when she and Tom were out in the car. He noticed she stopped talking but when he pulled over she was talking again, suddenly realising she had seized and missed a few seconds.
Those ones were better, when they didn’t last long and (Y/n) didn’t feel any effects from them. But then again, this one hadn’t been as bad as some she used to have, it was very mild it was just irritating like road works slowing her day down.
“I want to go home.”
“That’s okay, we will schedule your bloods for another day.”
(Y/n) didn’t wait much longer before she got down from the chair, her palm rubbing her forehead as she headed out the room with Paddy. She didn’t want to wait to book another scan either, that could easily be done over the phone when she was home and felt safer and better.
“(Y/n)… your hand, it’s still bent.” There was no other way for Paddy to say it and he wasn’t trying to be rude but he could see her left hand was still bent back towards her wrist like it was glued in place.
“Oh, yeah it’s gone stiff. Sometimes takes a while to get it back under control, it’ll happen soon.”
Her right hand moved to gently caress her frozen hand, willing it to become unstuck and back to normal again- well, as normal as it could be considering her left hand was the one with nerve damage. It was normal to have her limbs frozen like this when they were affected by a seizure and it usually ended up being her wrists or hands. She knew it didn’t look right and she hated people noticing which was another reason she wanted to go back home now.
“Let’s get you home.”
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“Paddy mentioned he’d never seen you smile that much yesterday.”
Nicki looked over at (Y/n), a big yet warming smile on her lips that (Y/n) was slowly starting to like. She was never used to having a mother, especially not one who would give her such loving, caring and endearing looks but it was a nice kind of different that she was getting used to.
Whenever she saw Nicki it was like she was slowly merging into their family and she was gaining a motherly figure she had always wanted yet always despised since she never had one.
After the scan yesterday, (Y/n) had come back with Paddy to his parents home for a while, he didn’t want her to go home alone since she had the seizure and when Tom came back this morning, they came back to see his family. Paddy couldn’t help but mention to his mum that (Y/n) had been smiling and seemed like a more animated version of herself that was usually reserved for Tom’s eyes only.
It was amazing to see her being so happy about the baby when they all knew she was anxious to do her best. And to see her smiling and feeling more at ease around them all made everyone elaited.
“Yeah, I, I don’t know what I was expecting… my mum was overjoyed when she was pregnant the first time. Then when she was expecting me, I guess she thought I was a replacement, she wasn’t happy. If I feel excited, I don’t want to end up in her situation but if I don’t feel anything, I don’t want to feel no connection either.”
To (Y/n), there was no inbetween.
She wanted to be excited and prepared and loving towards her growing baby but that was how Holly had started out and then she lost her baby soon after. (Y/n) wouldn’t be able to live if she suddenly lost her baby for any reason. But if she tried to detach herself from the baby or if she didn’t feel anything, she might not get a bond with her baby and then she would be the version of her mother hating her child.
(Y/n) didn’t know which was worse.
“It’s… it’s difficult, but remember that this is your experience, not hers. I could never imagine losing a baby but I can understand feeling afraid something would go wrong a second time. But you aren’t going to lose the baby honey, and you already want this baby, that feeling won’t go away, I promise.”
Nicki didn’t know the situation, but from what she had gathered, she could see both sides.
She never could imagine the pain of losing a baby or a child at any age but she knew people who had. Having a child after losing one was either a good experience or a bad one. It was easy to see why Holly would be apprehensive towards a second baby and that caused her psychosis.
But her actions after her breakdown were all her own actions and (Y/n) wasn’t going to be like that.
“I do want the baby.” (Y/n) didn’t know why she was trying to convince Nicki, she had already said before that she knew (Y/n) was going to be a great mother and was forming a bond. But she still felt the need to make it heard that this was her choice and this is what she was aching for.
“I know honey.” Nicki rested her hand briefly on (Y/n)’s knee before she got up and headed out the room.
Slouching back against the sofa, (Y/n) tilted her chin down on her chest so she could look at her stomach. Her hands slowly ruffled under her shirt to feel her stomach, wishing she was further along so she could have the baby kicking and wriggling inside of her. Despite the pain in her wrist from how her hand was barely back to normal, (Y/n) started to rub circles over her stomach, wondering how it would feel when her stomach was a lot larger and she could feel the baby properly.
A flutter of adrenaline flickered to life in (Y/n)’s chest when she realised she was smiling to herself. She was feeling happy, content, sailing on clouds, this is what she wanted life to feel like. She wanted to feel like everything good was now coming into view, she wanted to enjoy feeling her baby grow and then have them in her arms and see Tom with their baby.
Shaking her head so she didn’t get too over-excited, (Y/n) pulled down her top again and slowly stood to her feet. She wanted to find Tom, she wanted to wrap her arms around him and hug him and kiss him and make him feel as elaited as she did.
“What are you all doing?” (Y/n)’s voice was quiet but the smile stayed present on her face as she folded her arms and stood in the doorway of the kitchen, watching the siblings curiously.
“Showing Harry how to make a cake.”
“Baby come try this, it’s better now I’ve fixed it.” Tom tilted his chin up to exert his pride and stature over his brothers who were all messing around at the counters beside him. He had a large plastic mixing bowl in his hand and a spoon which he had clearly taken a lick from to test the batter.
(Y/n) approached the boys with a small grin that got bigger when she saw the cheeky glint in Tom’s eyes that always meant a mix of fun and trouble. When she walked over to him he set the bowl down and traded it for the spoon so he could wind his other arm around (Y/n) and coil her into his side.
(Y/n)’s brow rose when she could feel Tom’s hand swiftly move down from her back down to caress her bum before he held the spoon out to her so she could try.
“It’s good.” Her tongue darted out to swipe the mix from her lips but her body jolted when she felt Tom’s lips moving to her neck and his teeth grazing against her skin. She shivered the moment he pulled away to look behind him at the twins who were arguing over their cake mix and subsequently getting all the ingredients everywhere. (Y/n) could see Paddy from the corner of her eye just as he grabbed a handful of flour and launched it at their heads.
“Oi!”
“You’re mum won’t like the mess you’re all making.” (Y/n) leaned away from a flour attack as the boys started to playfully argue and have a fight with the mixes that should go in the oven, not on the floor.
With a smile (Y/n) took the chance to try some more of the batter which either she or the baby had taken a liking to. It was easy to both watch yet block out the boys arguing in front of her, it was something she was getting used to since it was something she hadn’t witnessed during her own childhood.
“Mine’s better-”
“No it isn’t- stop throwing shit at me.”
All their voices seemed to blur together and they were in their argumentative element right until (Y/n) cried.
Tom’s head snapped to look behind him where he had left (Y/n) happily watching them just as Sam was raving and swinging the rolling pin up in the air like a sword he was going to attack them with. He could see the way (Y/n)’s eyes were blazed with fear like she was petrified of something- or even one of them! She didn’t seem to realise she had cried out but Tom didn’t have time to move to comfort her before she had collapsed.
(Y/n)’s head flopped forward when her eyes closed and her lungs tightened so she couldn’t breathe. Her body lost all composure and she folded down like a piece of paper, crashing to the floor in a heap.
“Baby!”
Tom skidded down on his knees in front of (Y/n), being quick to try and lift her frame carefully but quickly, not wanting her to lay crumpled like that in case she hurt herself. He managed to ease her top half so that she was laying on his knees, carding his fingers through her hair before his eyes scanned round his brothers.
“Mum!”
“What are you all doing, who’s screaming?” Nicki’s voice flooded the house before the boys saw her standing in the doorway of the kitchen, her eyes wide and mixed with anger and confusion. “What have you done to her?”
She didn’t say it rudely or like she was blaming any of her children for something bad but she knew something had happened by the look on their faces that showed they were scared and worried. There was something in their eyes that Nicki knew when something had happened, whether they had pushed one of their brothers off a swing or slammed a cupboard and broken something.
“She fainted-”
“You were swinging something, what were you messing with? Did you aim it at her?!” Tom’s voice shouted out at one of his younger brothers as his eyes seethed across at Sam. He didn’t see what he was doing but he knew he had been messing with something. Maybe (Y/n) got scared and thought he was going to hurt her with it or it triggered something because Tom knew her better than anyone and she wouldn’t get frightened and faint like that for no reason.
“I was… I was just waving the rolling pin, I swear I didn’t aim it at her I didn’t.” Sam shook his head almost as badly as the rest of his body was shaking.
“That’s enough! You lot get out the kitchen and disappear, you can clean this mess up later.”
All three boys made a quick exit, knowing better than to dare argue with their mother, especially at a time like this.
“Baby? Come on, you’re alright.” Tom whispered quietly as he craned his neck down to look at (Y/n), smoothing his thumb over her cheek to try and coax her to wake up as his other hand rubbed up and down her shoulder. He’d seen her suffer panic attacks, nightmares, seizures, even a broken bone at one point, but he’d never seen her faint or collapse until now.
A swell of relief surged through Tom when (Y/n)’s eyelids started to flutter and her shoulders slowly jutted. He continued to rub her cheek to arouse her and bring her back round but his heart shattered when he saw tears welling in her eyes the moment she seemed to come awake.
Silent cries seemed to leave her chapped lips but Tom felt like crying himself when he saw the look in her eyes when she noticed Nicki was kneeling beside them. It was as if someone had pointed a gun directly to her forehead and she was told she was going to die.
“Honey, it’s-”
(Y/n) screamed.
Her voice was hoarse and the sound was shrill and piercing but it cut right through Tom’s heart. He watched his lover’s eyes drown in terror and swell with pain before another cry escaped her lips. She didn’t have the energy or control to move herself away but she tried, her body jutted and writhed like a fish on land before her trembling hands covered her eyes and forehead.
When she could feel Nicki’s hand on her thigh another scream left her lips and her hands pressed down on her face until Tom was sure she was going to smother herself.
“Mum no don’t touch her! Her mum used to abuse her, your touch will scare her. I’ll take her upstairs.”
It physically pained Tom to say that to his mother because she was the sweetest, most understanding and gentle woman he ever knew and she was the best mother out there. But if she touched (Y/n) when she was in a state like this and leaned over her (Y/n)’s mind would revert back to memories she didn’t want. She wasn’t good with contact or talking with Nicki because she had been hurt and that was all she knew a mother to be.
There was a small look of pain and guilt in Nicki’s eyes before she nodded and backed away to give them some space.
“I’ve got you baby, it’s just me and you.”
Tom turned (Y/n) so her head was resting on his shoulder, her body curled up to his chest before he picked her up in his arms and got to his feet. He had done this countless times but each time (Y/n) always laughed yet worried he would drop her or she was too heavy. But this time she simply curled up closer to his chest, breathing in his scent and tucking her face into his neck while her hands almost ripped through his shirt.
Turning the corner, Tom swiftly carried (Y/n) up the stairs, not wanting any of his family to witness (Y/n) like this because it wasn’t fair on her. She hated people seeing her hurt or emotional and Tom was the only one she would allow to comfort her when she was like this.
He kicked the door to his old room shut behind them before he gently lowered (Y/n) down on the bed and climbed to sit beside her, once again enveloping his arms around her to keep her against his chest.
“Baby… it’s okay now-”
“I-I’m bleeding, it hurts… oow it hurts.” (Y/n) could hardly breathe from how badly she was crying.
When she moved her hands to cradle her temple, Tom gently pulled her hands away and held her wrists gently in his hands so she could see them.
“No you’re not hurt baby I promise, look, no blood.” Tom definitely knew now that she had had a flashback in the kitchen. Her mother must have done something horrible to her for her to faint in fear that it would happen again and for her to think she was back there with blood covering her. “Just breathe for me-”
“She hurt me.”
“Why, what did she do to you baby girl?”
Tom’s voice was soft and apprehensive because he didn’t know if she would actually tell him or not. Whenever he brought up her past and dared to ask what she went through all he got was snippits and little bits. He knew she couldn’t bring herself to tell him but he needed to know what she had gone through to truly understand and to make sure he could help her through the pregnancy and keep her and their baby safe.
“I- I don’t know what I did, I don’t know why she hurt me.”
“What did she do?”
“T-the rolling pin, oh God, it hurt so bad. I couldn’t see, there was so much blood… she nearly killed me.”
(Y/n)’s eyes were closed and her fingers were ever so gently touching her temple like it was still spilling blood all over the floor. She could feel the pain she felt when she was eight, she could feel how intensely her head had split like a coconut, the sound the wood made when it hit her skull. The noise it made when it crashed to the floor beside her.
Then everything mushed together, the ambulance journey, the doctors, the bright lights, then waking up from surgery.
It all hurt.
“She hit you, with a rolling pin?” With each word Tom’s voice rose until he was seething anger and rage was burning from his dark eyes.
Tom’s body turned stiff until (Y/n) shuffled into his lap, wrapping her arms around his neck until he cocooned her to his chest, his chin resting on top of her head. He slowly started to sway them side to side to stop (Y/n) from noticing how he was shaking from rage.
No one was ever going to scare or hurt (Y/n) like that again, Tom wouldn’t let anyone do that to her.
Summary: Tom and (Y/n) are expecting their first child together and everyone is excited. But (Y/n) fears she won’t be a good mother when her own mum put her through Hell and back and the past won’t leave her alone.
Enjoy.
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A fond smile formed on (Y/n)’s lips as she rolled her eyes that had been concentrating on watching her grandparents for the last ten minutes. As much as they were a loving old couple who got along so well after the years, the amount of tiffs and arguments they had was unreal.
(Y/n) had been watching her grandma tap and hit her husband’s arm for the past five minutes, telling him quietly to stop poking around and touching things. This wasn’t the first time Laura and George had met Tom’s parents but she wanted to make a good impression still, and George prodding around their home wouldn’t do that, especially if he knocked something over.
They were all at Tom’s parent’s house for a celebration dinner, his parent’s wanted to celebrate that they would soon have their first grandchild and since (Y/n)’s grandparents had raised her, naturally they were invited round too.
Turning on her heels, (Y/n) left the pair bickering quietly in the front room and made her way through to the kitchen where Nicki and Henry were.
“Thank you for inviting them, they were thrilled when I told them.”
(Y/n) folded her arms over her stomach, subconsciously wondering how long she would be able to do this for before her stomach started to grow and get in the way. She could already feel a subtle change to her lower stomach, it wasn’t extended or larger yet but it was firmer and whenever she pressed a hand to her stomach, butterflies erupted throughout her system.
The thought of having a baby had always been something (Y/n) was afraid of, it was a subject she avoided talking about with anyone throughout her teenage years. With her past, (Y/n) had been dead set on the fact that motherhood wasn’t something she would be good at or thrive at doing.
Tom walked in and those thoughts flew out the window.
(Y/n) couldn’t wait until she could see Tom holding their baby in his arms, she wanted to see him cuddling their baby and rocking and humming them to sleep and helping them to crawl and walk and grow. As long as he was there, (Y/n) was sure that she would be okay. She could learn to be a mother and Nicki was here to help and guide her.
“Oh of course honey, we couldn’t celebrate without your family being here too.”
“Tom said you invited your dad too, do you think he’ll turn up soon?” Henry got out some knives and forks so he could set the table but his warm eyes focused on (Y/n).
He didn’t want to overstep the mark by asking but if she had invited her dad then surely it was okay to talk about him. Tom had only said they couldn’t mention her mother under no circumstances and they knew (Y/n) didn’t have the best relationship with her dad. But by inviting him today it showed she was trying to make sure everyone got along.
“I think he’ll show just to say hello, he won’t stay though.” (Y/n) didn’t have the heart to tell them that she had told her dad he could come and say hello but he wasn’t to stay for dinner.
She didn’t want him staying because he would bring up Holly at some point and that was something (Y/n) couldn’t deal with. She could deal with her father in small doses, their relationship was fractured and too much pressure would break it entirely. (Y/n) didn’t want to shut her dad out completely but if he was always in her life, then her mother would be too and (Y/n) didn’t want that.
“I’ll set the table.”
“Oh, thank you.” Henry handed over the utensils to (Y/n), smiling before she left the room and headed into the dining room next to the conservatory.
A smile formed on (Y/n)’s lips when her eye caught Tom who was sitting in the conservatory with Paddy, the two of them laughing over something. (Y/n) leaned over the table, slowly walking round as she placed the knives and forks evenly at the sides of the place mats, humming to herself as she went along.
Her body jumped forward almost pushing into the table when a pair of arms suddenly latched around her waist and a hard chest was glued to her back. She couldn’t help the laugh that left her lips when she felt Tom kissing the top of her neck just below her jaw as he slowly swayed them side to side.
“Cheeky.”
“Hm. You okay?” Tom closed his eyes and buried his face in (Y/n)’s neck, breathing in her scent as he kept himself stuck to her like glue. Slowly moving along with her when (Y/n) moved over to finish setting the table.
“I’m good, Ma might end up slapping grandad soon though.”
A chuckle escaped Tom’s lips, he could just imagine the pair of them bickering away right now. It was a wonder they got along as well as they did when they did argue and natter at one another quite a lot but he figured that was just the relationship they had together. He didn’t think he could cope with a relationship like that though, Tom was relieved that he and (Y/n) were more laid back and loving than her grandparents were.
Tom felt the way (Y/n) suddenly tensed against him when the doorbell chimed and they were both thinking the same thing. there was no one else to arrive except for (Y/n)’s dad, he must be here.
“It’ll be okay baby, he won’t stay long and I’ll stay with you.”
He pressed a kiss to her forehead before the pair of them turned around and headed through to the hallway. (Y/n) couldn’t stop the subtle shaking that set in her system as she pushed herself more into Tom’s side. She hadn’t seen her dad for a few weeks now and whenever she did see him it was always a little awkward. He wasn’t really like a dad to her anymore, he was more of an estranged uncle of the family that she talked to.
(Y/n) opened the door to the familiar sight of her dad stood there, his hands stuffed into his trouser pockets and a small but nervous smile on his lips. Bill was always calm and collected even when he should be angry and annoyed but it was something that was oddly calming to (Y/n) in times like these. It was easier when he was calm and at ease than if he were nervous and unsure like (Y/n) usually was.
“Hi dad.”
“Hey sweetheart. Congratulations, I couldn’t believe it when your gran told me.”
Bill leaned forward and wrapped his arms around (Y/n), pulling her into his chest as he stepped over the threshold. It seemed so unreal to him that (Y/n) was going to have a baby and be a mum, to him she was still sixteen, a teenager juggling work and college and relationships. He couldn’t comprehend that he would soon be a grandfather.
But at the same time, Bill didn’t know how it would go for him. He didn’t know how much (Y/n) and Tom would let him be in their child’s life. He might have a second chance here to be a grandfather when he hadn’t been a proper father to (Y/n). Or it might go in the other direction and he wouldn’t see his grandchild very often or be an important figure in their lives.
“Thank you.”
Pulling back, (Y/n) smiled as she felt a weight being lifted from her chest. Her dad was actually happy for her, she knew he wouldn’t be angry but she thought he might have reservations about it. She watched Bill shake Tom’s hand before the couple moved and motioned for him to follow them into the house.
“Sweetheart… I, I told Holly the good news.” Bill scratched the back of his shaved head, his lips twitching up at the corner as he tried to smile, unsure how (Y/n) was going to react.
He had learnt over the years that he couldn’t refer to Holly as ‘mum’ anymore because (Y/n) wouldn’t respond and she wouldn’t talk to him if he did and he understood why. But she was (Y/n)’s mother even if she wasn’t in her life anymore and Bill always kept her up to date on (Y/n). Letting her know she was okay, that she was happy and now he had told her that their daughter was going to be a mother.
(Y/n) nodded her head, trying to smile.
She couldn’t begrudge him telling Holly, he was happy about the news and he would have to tell her at some point, (Y/n) understood that.
“She wants to see you.”
Tom looked between Bill and (Y/n) as his jaw tightened and his expression hardened. What was Bill doing? This was a happy occasion, it was supposed to be a good family day and Holly wasn’t apart of this family anymore. He couldn’t start this conversation because he was intentionally going to ruin the day and upset (Y/n) which wasn’t fair.
“Dad, please don’t-”
Reaching over Tom quickly wrapped his arms around (Y/n)’s middle, pulling her against his chest when she stumbled and grabbed onto the bannister to stop herself from falling. A bolt of worry shot through his stomach and tingled in his chest as he feared what was happening. Had she suddenly had a dizzy spell? Did she feel sick or unwell?
But when Tom turned and looked over at Bill, he could see someone stood a few feet behind him on the driveway.
“Y-you… why would you bring her here?” (Y/n) could feel her throat tightening as tears started to well up in her eyes.
Why would he do this to her?
Why would he bring Holly here when he knew (Y/n)’s mind was made up and he knew that his own parents were here and that they would never let her in either? This wasn’t fair, this was a bullying tactic because he thought by bringing her with him then they couldn’t shut her out and turn her away because she was already here. But it didn’t work like that, she wasn’t supposed to be here and just looking at her was causing (Y/n) distress which she didn’t need right now.
“Sweetheart, she’s desperate to talk to you. You’re going to have a baby-”
“Yes, so she needs to be k-kept away from me! She’ll hurt me.”
“No she won’t, you know she won’t do that.” Bill looked like he was about to cry, the pain on his features was obvious. He knew in his heart Holly would never do that and he would never allow that to happen again. He was here, he would always be here and if (Y/n) would only talk to Holly it would make Holly feel so much better.
“Leave. Take her away I don’t want you here anymore.”
(Y/n) waved her hand at Bill to usher him away, she was serious she didn’t want him here. He had made a mistake by bringing Holly but she wasn’t going to get anywhere near (Y/n), Tom and his family would never allow that so Bill had to go now.
When he tried to reach out for (Y/n) she flung her arms at him, hitting him in the chest before she leaned around him to look at the monster standing outside.
“Fuck off! Go on, go away!”
“Okay baby come on, go inside.” Tom wrapped his arms tighter around (Y/n)’s waist before he spup on his heels, lifting her from the ground for a brief moment so he could move her away from the door. She was only upsetting herself and it would make her sick which they didn’t need right now.
He pressed a chaste kiss to her forehead before he tried to move her in the direction of his mother who was coming out of the kitchen, wondering what all the raised voices was about.
“Bill you need to leave and take her with you.”
“No (Y/n) please-”
“If you even care about (Y/n) you’ll take her away from here right now now leave for her sake.”
Tom pressed his hand into Bill’s chest and gave him a shove until he took the hint and held his hands up, backtracking out the house with a face full of sorrow. He didn’t want this kind of response, it wasn’t what he had been hoping for today. All he wanted was for (Y/n) to be able to have a conversation with Holly, no matter how short.
“What’s going on, Bill- what is that woman doing here?! Bill what have you done?” Laura’s voice shook the house when she caught sight of her son and Holly standing outside. She seemed to be divided before George made his way over to Tom to talk to his son to try and calm down the situation.
“Come on honey, let’s sit down and have a drink.”
Nicki was cautious when she rested her hands on (Y/n)’s shoulders, unsure if she would want or appreciate the touch or not. But when (Y/n) didn’t pull away, Nicki stood a little closer to her before she guided her through to the conservatory at the back of the house so they could be out the way.
This wasn’t supposed to happen today.
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Every muscle jolted and spasmed in his body causing him to briefly push up from the bed like he was about to levitate before he crashed back down against the mattress again. Aftershock tingled through Tom’s body and his muscles pulsed with his erratic heartbeat as he tried to catch his breath, his mind overworking to try and focus on where he was and what was happening.
His chest rose and fell rapidly and he could feel beads of sweat starting to coat his bare skin but just as he seemed to be calming down, he gasped when a scream pierced his eardrums.
Tom reacted quicker than his mind could comprehend, his body pushing up so he was leaning up on his hip before he turned over to his right and leaned over (Y/n). He knew it was her screaming but he didn’t know why or what was going on. He could guess that it wasn’t a burglary because Tom woke up when he heard noises so he would have heard something before now if it was.
As soon as (Y/n)’s eyes opened, Tom could see the fright held within them, it was like she had come face to face with death in her sleep and she was so sure he was going to come and claim her. She didn’t seem to recognise him or realise that it was him hovering over her because he felt her chest quiver beneath him before her arms jolted and pulled up near her face as if to defend herself.
“Baby, baby shh it’s me. It’s me, you’re okay.” Tom swallowed down the lump in his throat but he could feel tears welling in his sorrowful eyes when (Y/n) stared up at him through tears.
When he moved his hand, he let it hover at her side so she could timidly touch the back of his hand and reassure herself that it was him and no one else leaning over her. He was gentle and careful when he smoothed his palm over her cheek, caressing her skin with his thumb as he waited for her to calm down so they could talk. He stayed where he was, not wanting to move and scare her but when Tom started to run his fingers through her hair, (Y/n) shivered and he soon realised it was because he was going near her scar on her temple.
Leaning down, Tom pressed a gentle kiss to the scar before he rested his temple against hers, their eyes locking for a few moments basked in silence.
“What’s going through your head baby?” Tom’s curls started to fall around his face like curtains trying to give them both some privacy but they formed a good distraction for (Y/n).
“M-my mum…” (Y/n) couldn’t find any more words to say but she knew she didn’t need any. Tom wasn’t stupid, he could tell that whatever nightmare she had gone through just now was something that happened between her and her mum which had come back to haunt her.
(Y/n) repeated the words again hoping to elaborate on them but she couldn’t, no more words were coming to mind to even think about explaining what she had dreamt of and remembered. Closing her eyes, (Y/n) raised her hand and hovered the tips of her fingers over her scar on her temple when her words failed her but Tom’s eyes narrowed and a frown pulled at his lips.
“She did that to you?”
Tom couldn’t keep the anger out of his voice as his muscles tensed and his chest pulled inwards like he was getting ready to push his chest out.
What had Holly done to her?
Tom had never known the reasoning behind (Y/n)’s scar on her temple, all he knew was that she had some kind of bad accident that she didn’t want to talk about because it plagued her. He understood that, he thought maybe she’d had a fall or was messing around with friends and ended up bashing her head on something. It never occurred to Tom that Holly could be the reason for (Y/n)’s old injury. But if she was the reason, what had she done to (Y/n) to cause such a damaging mark?
He could feel his stomach shrinking in when the realisation dawned on him that if Holly did do that to (Y/n), then she had inadvertently caused (Y/n)’s health issues.
Tom remembered (Y/n) saying that the accident caused her to have bleeding on her brain which had caused her to develop epilepsy, it was also the source of her frequent headaches and migraines. But to top it off, the bleed had caused problems with (Y/n)’s nerves. Physio had helped but it had lasting effects and sometimes she could lose feeling in her left hand and up her arm.
“What the fuck did she do to you?!” He graced his fingertips over her temple again, wishing he could remove the mark and stop the accident from ever happening.
Shaking her head, (Y/n) leaned up and buried her face in Tom’s neck, pressing against his bare chest to try and get some comfort and feel better. He took the hint that he wasn’t going to get an answer to that question tonight but that was okay, he just had more of a reason to ensure that Holly never came near his girl.
“Baby… what did you mean when you said that Holly would hurt you now your pregnant?”
Tom had to ask, it had been playing on his mind all day. When her dad tried to say that Holly would be happy now (Y/n)’s pregnant, Tom saw the way she became scared and feared that her mum would hurt her because of the baby. He didn’t know if that was just (Y/n) becoming paranoid because of what she had been through or if (Y/n) knew Holly would follow through and very possibly hurt her and the baby.
Turning on his side, Tom laid on his right side so he was facing (Y/n), a smile forming on his worried lips when (Y/n) shuffled close so she was tucked into his chest. Her arms securing around his lower waist and her leg resting between both of his and Tom’s arms around her like a protective blanket.
“Before they had me, they had a baby boy… he died when he was two weeks old. Holly got postpartum psychosis and depression when they had me, dad said she thought I was a replacement baby and she resented me.”
(Y/n) couldn’t bring herself to look up at Tom so she buried her face into his skin and breathed in his scent instead. Her grandma had been the one to tell her about her brother, she told (Y/n) about how he had suddenly died, cot death they called it because there was no explanation as to why he passed. Laura thought Holly had coped amazingly well after losing a baby like that and through her pregnancy with (Y/n) she had been fine right up until she was born.
“Dad came home from work one day and she was hysterical, she was giving me a bath when I was a few weeks old and she tried to drown me. That was the first time she was hospitalised.”
A shiver ran down (Y/n)’s spine at the memory of her grandma telling her this when she was fourteen. (Y/n) always knew Holly had had some mental health problems, whenever she went to hospital or (Y/n) stayed with her grandparents she was told it was because her mum was unwell. But to learn that her own mother had tried to drown her and that if she succeeded, all of this would never have happened, it haunted (Y/n).
“And you think she’d hurt our baby.” Tom stated more than asked because he could already see that was what (Y/n) had been afraid of.
Holly never got to bring up her own child properly because everything got screwed up with (Y/n). If she saw her daughter having a child of her own it would be like seeing the life she didn’t properly get, she would see the life she ruined. (Y/n) didn’t want Holly near their baby in case she did something to try and hurt them.
“That wasn’t her fault, she was ill that time and she had treatment. But she didn’t change, she didn’t bond with me, she just started to hate me. Everything she did to me after that point was all her, she can’t blame any illness for what she did, that’s why Ma won’t talk to her anymore. She chose to hurt me.”
Holly got treatment, her psychosis was treated and she recovered from it and she was treated for her depression but she didn’t try and get a bond with (Y/n). She was happier without her and every time she tried to be a mother, she intentionally screwed it up.
(Y/n) remembered every time she had to go and live with her grandparents, Holly always promised she would get better and everything would be okay but she never did. When (Y/n) went back to her, she became scared, she got hurt and she got depressed herself. Living with her grandparents was the only thing that saved her and cutting her mother from her life was the best thing for (Y/n) to get better and have a proper life.
Holly couldn’t be a part of it.
“I won’t let her hurt you or our baby, I promise.” Tom pressed his lips to the top of (Y/n)’s head as he held her tighter like he was trying to protect her from the memories plaguing her mind.
Summary: Tom and (Y/n) are expecting their first child together and everyone is excited. But (Y/n) fears she won’t be a good mother when her own mum put her through Hell and back and the past won’t leave her alone.
Enjoy.
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“Great-grandma, oh I can’t believe it. Oh that makes me sound so old.”
A fond smile formed on Tom’s lips causing his eyes to crease as he tried not to laugh, he didn’t want to come across as being rude. But the way Laura worded it and how she pursed her lips and pushed back on the sofa showed that the name didn’t sit extremely well with her.
She was still a good-looking lady, she didn’t look her age at all but Tom knew being called a great-grandma would make her feel her age just like his own mother knew grandma would make her feel old even if she wasn’t.
“We’ll tell them to call me grandma, you’re more of a daughter to me anyway, aren’t you?”
A fondness blossomed on (Y/n)’s lips when her grandma leaned their foreheads together in a way she used to do when (Y/n) was a little girl. It was true though, Laura had raised her two sons but when (Y/n) was born she became the daughter Laura never had. With everything that had happened Laura had had to bring (Y/n) up and they had a mother-daughter bond despite being a generation apart.
(Y/n) and Tom’s baby would be her grandchild instead.
“Could you put this on the mantle piece for me please?” Laura held out the scan photo to Tom who smiled brightly, taking the picture from her and getting to his feet.
It had been a bit of a surprise to Tom the first time he had come to Laura’s house. For some reason, he had expected her to be the same and have the same house and accessories as his grandparents. He was expecting a mid-terraced house in a quiet area, a small drive and some flowers in pots in the back garden.
Tom hadn’t been expecting a grand house such as this in a small quiet area that was quiet with only a few other large houses down the street. The large drive could fit up to five cars in, there was ivory climbing up the top of the white house and a plot of roses growing beneath the bay window.
The back garden was the size of two swimming pools and had flowers everywhere with an old stone path leading to the old wooden swing at the back. The house itself had five rooms upstairs, two en-suites and a big bathroom, a set of stairs leading up to the attic which was more of a storage room and there were three main rooms downstairs and a dining room next to the kitchen.
Tom wasn’t from a low income family but before his career they didn’t have this kind of money. They were privileged but this house was grand in his opinion. To believe that (Y/n) grew up here was strange, especially considering from Tom’s childhood, he had three brothers to play with and friends from school. From what (Y/n) had told him, she was an anxious child who didn’t have many friends and she had no siblings to play with here. She had this big house to inspire her imagination and be the base of her games.
“Are you excited Tom?”
“I’m buzzing, I can’t wait and I’ve had all the practice with my brothers.” Tom had helped babysit and look after his younger brothers and that was his lead up to being a father. He was counting down the months until he could finally hold his baby and the real excitement would begin.
“It will be nice to have some youth back in this house again. Your grandad’s already been looking up in the attic to see what we have in there that you might want. I told him it’s far too early but it gets him out my way for a while.”
Laura waved her hand behind her as she rolled her eyes and shook her head. As much as she loved her husband, both Tom and (Y/n) knew she was a dominating lady and he could get on her nerves quite a lot. George was laid back, he was always in his own world doing his own thing and it was easier when he was pottering around the garden or rummaging in the attic. It kept him busy and stopped Laura from tripping over him or arguing with him over something.
After their boys moved out, it didn’t take long before (Y/n) was born and coming round to visit, then she was staying with them on and off until she eventually lived with them. And she had only moved out two years and now another generation would soon be filling the house again. It never stayed empty or quiet for long.
“Oh I’m so excited for you!”
Reaching over, Laura cupped (Y/n)’s face in her hands, brushing her thumbs over her cheeks as she grinned like the Cheshire cat. Their eyes locked for a few seconds before she moved her left hand and gently brushed (Y/n)’s hair behind her ear.
“Ma, no.” (Y/n) held her breath in her lungs as she quickly moved her hair back to cover the side of her forehead again.
“Honey it’s just a little mark-”
“And I don’t wanna se it, Ma.” (Y/n) tangled her fingers through her hair, keeping the strands where they had been for the past few years now.
(Y/n) couldn’t stand those few strands of hair moving behind her ear because she didn’t want to catch sight of the mark on her temple. The round, small dent in her head that had a discoloured scar rattling through it. Her hair was grown in this style to specifically cover that mark so no one saw it and (Y/n) didn’t have to bear the sight of it and recall why it was there.
“What about your dad, are you telling him or do you want me to when I see him next?”
Laura’s swift change of topic made Tom sigh in relief as he shuffled a bit closer to (Y/n) on the sofa when he sat back down. Wrapping his arm around her waist so he could gently lean her back into his chest. He knew it was a sensitive topic to talk about her scar and he also knew that despite how close she was to her grandma, no one would be able to talk about it with her.
The first time Tom had brought it up (Y/n) had closed off and all he knew to date was that she’d had an accident which sent her to hospital and caused her health issues he knew she had. He didn’t want to probe or pry any more than that because it hurt (Y/n) a lot to think about, let alone talk about.
“I, I don’t know, when will you see him?”
“George, is Bill coming by at the weekend?”
Tom shuddered against (Y/n) with how loud Laura just shouted but he knew with how vast the house was, even talking to someone who was in the kitchen meant having to shout.
Within seconds, (Y/n)’s grandad was walking through into the living room, a tea towel in hand drying his hands and his glasses almost falling from the bridge of his nose. He had a smile on his lips and he nodded his head at the young couple before he looked over to his wife.
“Yes dear, they’re both coming on Sunday I think.”
“Y-you’re letting her come here?”
The sudden fear in (Y/n)’s voice made Tom’s arm tighten around her waist and he leaned to press a kiss to her cheek. He knew they were talking about (Y/n)’s mother, there was no one else who had such a bad effect on (Y/n) nor anyone who made Laura’s lips curl in such distaste like that.
A feeling of relief started to bubble through (Y/n)’s chest when her grandma reached over and took her hand, a calming look on her face.
“No honey she’s not coming in, only your dad can still come here. You know I won’t entertain that woman.”
The way she said the word woman was like it was venom she was spitting off her tongue. If Laura could have it her own way, her son wouldn’t have anything more to do with (Y/n)’s mother, he would have rid of her like the rest of them. But they were his parents and they had to abide by whatever he chose to do with his life. That didn’t mean to say that Laura would let Holly into her house though.
After what (Y/n) had gone through in her childhood, Laura was determined to do everything she could to make things better for her. And for that reason, she would not let Holly into her house, whether (Y/n) was there or not.
“Laura, you know what he’ll say-”
“And you know my thoughts on that vile woman, she does not step foot in this house and if she tries then Bill is no longer welcome George. He is my son but his choice is one I don’t have to live with.”
Laura spoke briskly before she got to her feet, shaking her head at her husband before she bypassed him and made her way to the kitchen.
She didn’t want to be a cruel woman or mother but there were lines that she just could not cross. To protect (Y/n), she had taken her in and was her legal guardian, she was her mother in every aspect and would do everything right by (Y/n). Bill was her son and Laura never wanted to cut him from her life because he was her flesh and blood but when he chose to still make his marriage to Holly work, he chose her instead of his own daughter. He chose to put (Y/n) second and Laura could not have that.
Laura wouldn’t have Holly in her house, she wouldn’t speak to her or spare her one look. She was cut off from them all but Bill wasn’t, but if he tried to push Holly back into their family they would cut Bill out because (Y/n) couldn’t have any contact with her mother anymore. (Y/n) had chosen to be apart from her and Bill understood that so he couldn’t try and get Holly back into any of their lives.
No one would accept her.
(Y/n)’s eyes found her grandad’s and the soft look in them made her feel calm before she looked at Tom, it was probably time for them to leave.
“You know my views on her, (Y/n), and you are always put first here but we can’t decide what your dad does or who he’s with. We have to accept it.” George held (Y/n)’s elbow in a comforting grip, making sure she knew he wasn’t trying to upset her.
He had spoken his mind the moment (Y/n) came to live with them. He had lost his temper for the first time and he had told Holly she was not part of their family and she was not to be in touch with (Y/n) or he would do something very rash. But Bill was his son and they couldn’t stop him from making his own choices. George didn’t want to lose a son so he would accept Bill’s decision.
“I know.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“I bet your gran was excited, wasn’t she?” Nicki took a sip of her coffee as she leaned back against the dark grey cushions on the chair. Her eyes watched the way (Y/n) smiled and nodded but her smile didn’t reach her rather nervous eyes and she wouldn’t look up from the cup of hot chocolate she had been nursing for the last ten minutes.
It had been a bit of a shock and somewhat of a heartache to Nicki when Tom explained to her and Henry that they couldn’t mention anything about (Y/n)’s parents when he and her first got together. Tom had given them specific instructions, telling them that (Y/n) was raised by her grandparents and had no relationship with her mother and limited contact with her dad. He explicitly told his parents that they couldn’t say anything about her parents her grandparents were her carers.
Nicki couldn’t imagine what it was like to be raised by her grandparents instead, nor could she imagine what it would be like for her boys if they weren’t raised by her or Henry.
She was desperate for (Y/n) to be comfortable around her and see her as a motherly figure she could talk to and confide in, but things weren’t that easy.
It was clear to Nicki that there had been some form of abuse between (Y/n) and her mother, whether it was physical or mental, she couldn’t be sure. But the way (Y/n) was so uneasy around Nicki, how she didn’t want to be alone with her and how she couldn’t strike up a conversation on her own showed her discomfort and displayed some kind of trauma.
Nicki was used to being a motherly figure to all of her boys friends, she wasn’t used to having to work up a relationship with someone like this. But she would do all she could to make (Y/n) comfortable around her and in her home because she was family now, especially since she was now having Nicki and Henry’s grandchild.
(Y/n) finally dared to lift her eyes from her cup so she could look around the conservatory she was sat in with Nicki. When Tom had gone to the toilet and to make a drink, he had given (Y/n) a look to ensure she would be okay without him.
(Y/n) had told Tom from the beginning that she couldn’t be left alone with Nicki and it was nothing against her or Tom, it was because of her past and he knew that. But he was so thrilled that (Y/n) was finally becoming more at ease around his mum, Tom was desperate for them to get along.
“I… um, c-can I ask you something?” (Y/n) couldn’t hold eye contact with Nicki for more than a few seconds but she was content looking out the window behind her so she was still looking near her.
“Of course you can darling, what’s on your mind?”
“What was it like when you had Tom… I mean, d-did you feel a connection straight away?”
Leaning forward, (Y/n) gently set down her cup on the glass coffee table in front of her that separated her and Nicki. There was no point holding the cup any longer when she had no intentions of drinking from it yet. It also meant that she could fiddle with the rings on her fingers to try and calm down her anxiety. She needed to talk to someone about this and she didn’t feel comfortable talking to her grandma about it.
“When… when you have your baby in your arms, it’s something amazing, knowing you’ve created that life. You’ll get motherly instincts straight away, but I think you build the connection over the first few weeks, getting used to routines and caring for the baby.”
Nicki could never describe what it felt like when she had each of her boys, to feel them in her arms was an amazing, euphoric feeling she always wished to feel. And there was an instant feeling of love for her, but a connection came later. It came after sleepless nights, frets about fevers or sickness and if you’re rubbing the babies skin too hard when washing them. After all the panic and the routines, the connection appeared over night.
“I’m scared that I won’t have that connection… my mother never had that with me.”
“Some women don’t, but it depends on circumstances, if you get depression after the birth or things are draining or worrying for you. It doesn’t mean anything if you think you don’t have that connection right away and there are people to help with that. I think you’ll be fine honey.”
“I don’t want to be like her… she had postnatal depression and that means I might be prone to it too. I don’t want to hurt my baby-”
(Y/n) cut herself off by rubbing her hand over her mouth and nose to try and calm herself down. There was no need for her to panic right now, she was only twelve weeks along. There was six months left to get everything prepared and worry before the baby came. But from the moment she knew she was pregnant these thoughts had plagued her constantly.
(Y/n) knew that since her mother had postnatal depression it meant she might be more likely to develop it. Even without her mother having it she could get it but this made her chances higher. She didn’t want that, she didn’t want to be depressed or feel so low like her mother had that she might put her baby in danger or just not love or care for them at all.
“Hey, I’ve had the baby blues after I had Paddy but it doesn’t last forever and the doctors and midwives are there to help. You’re not alone here and it’s a low risk that you’ll get that because your mum may have had it.”
(Y/n) slowly began to rock back and forth on the sofa as she counted her breaths to calm herself down. She knew what Nicki was saying was right and rung true in her ears but she couldn’t help but panic.
“My mum didn’t want me, she always made that clear. She wasn’t like you.” “Do you want this baby?”
For a split second, dread surged through Nicki’s stomach when (Y/n) continued to rock and she didn’t look up at her. What if (Y/n) was worrying this much because she didn’t want this baby or didn’t feel ready for this? Nicki knew this was what Tom wanted but if it was going to impact on (Y/n)’s mental health and she didn’t want this then it couldn’t continue.
“I want my baby, I just don’t want to be bad, I don’t know how to be a mother.”
Nicki’s relief was evident on her features just as Tom came back around the corner. When he locked eyes with his mother, the nervousness in his brown orbs and the way his breathing was deep and tense showed he had heard more of that conversation than he was supposed to.
“We’ll all just have to help you then, won’t we?” Nicki smiled encouragingly with a nod of her head before she got to her feet, taking her empty cup to the kitchen to give the couple some time. She knew this conversation was now postponed for another time but she was relieved (Y/n)had said something. She would hate to think of (Y/n) bottling all of these thoughts and feelings up, debating them on her own.
“Baby, what happened between your gran and grandad earlier? Why do they have a problem with your dad?”
Tom had to ask. Even when (Y/n) tiredly slumped against his chest and wound her arms around his middle to get comfy against him, he just had to ask. He never probed too much into (Y/n)’s past or about her parents but it was different now. They were having a baby together and that was going to stir things up for all of (Y/n)’s family, Tom just wanted to be prepared and know a bit of what had happened.
“My mum went to the hospital for treatment and the court said she wasn’t allowed to look after me or come into contact with me until she was deemed fit by the doctor. Dad had the choice of looking after me or looking after mum, he chose mum and gran became my legal guardian. She told him if he stayed with her then I stayed with gran.”
(Y/n)’s eyes were closed as she buried her face in Tom’s chest, breathing in his scent as she rubbed her cheek against his soft white shirt, already feeling her mind beginning to succumb to sleep.
Tom’s arms around her were like a comforting blanket she never wanted to leave. He kissed the top of her head repeatedly, leaning further back into the sofa and spreading his legs so he could gently move (Y/n) in between them. Giving her better opportunity to lean into him and have a much needed embrace. He knew comfort was what she needed and wanted right now.
“I never understood until I met you.”
“Understood what, baby?”
“Why my dad chose her over me. Staying with gran was what I needed and we all knew dad hated mum for what she did to me, but he couldn’t stop himself from loving her. He took care of her, he loved her despite what happened. I don’t think I could ever stop loving you, like he can’t stop loving her.”
(Y/n) knew when she was older that her mum had been in hospital for mental health reasons and that everything she put (Y/n) through wasn’t all her fault, some of it was due to her illness. But it never explained or pardoned what she had done to (Y/n). But she never knew why her dad would stand by her after all she had done to them all.
Her grandparents didn’t want anything to do with Holly but her dad did, and now she knew why.
He was incapable of ignoring his love for her in the same way that (Y/n) couldn’t stop herself from loving Tom.
