#depression tw

My therapist and I have done a lot of talking about peaks and valleys. That my life cannot be all peaks and it cannot be all valleys. That jumping between the two makes you live constantly in panic. And that having a chronic mental illness means I will always be traveling between the two and that doesn’t mean a lack of peace or a lack of a fulfilled life. And intellectually I get that. But I haven’t had to test it to much while actually IN crisis mode. Meds and therapy and journaling and good luck and brain chemistry have kept me mostly stable for the year and a half I’ve been getting treatment. 

But last week was a really hard. It was maybe one of the hardest weeks I’ve had. And not because anything went wrong. I’ve had hard weeks because of external stressors this year (hello my father’s break down and my parents separation) but this was my hardest week from just my brain being my brain. Nothing to blame. Nothing to fix. I’m truly trying to go as easy on myself as possible. I haven’t had a really bad depressive/anxiety swing in a long time, so consistently, so I kind of knee-jerk reacted to it. I’m used to having hard days and good days, or environmental stressors but this was real routine “afraid to go to bed and afraid to wake-up and snapping at every small stressor” bullshit. It’s really hard not to immediately think you’re going back to The Bad Place you were in, you know? My therapist was telling me it’s very much PTSD and you switch into survival mode even if what you’ve been doing TO survive isn’t what’s actually needed for you to thrive. You go back to the easy stuff that temporarily soothes you, or you slip back into “I’M SICK FOREVER AND WILL ALWAYS FEEL LIKE THIS” because those feelings are so familiar and therefore comforting. But I was really patient with myself, and just tried to be upfront and honest with people that I wasn’t being an irritable nightmare, or rather, I was, but it was because I felt like my joints were being held together with electricity and FEAR, and I believed it would pass but I understood if that’s annoying as fuck to be around. And what do you know, no one hated me for it and I got to listen to my mind and body and I’m feeling much better. Who knew. 

It was also my first time being “sick” in front of my parents and being honest about it since my dad started therapy. I couldn’t have gotten a better response, honestly. They listened, didn’t try to fix, and didn’t keep asking me “what’s wrong, what triggered it?”. They just accepted the situation for what it was and checked in on me a little more frequently to let me know they love and support me. I am so bad at being vulnerable and honest when I’m not doing well because i’m equally terrified that the answer/response will either be dismissive and make feel feel invalidated or wrong, or it’ll be overwrought and then I’ll feel guilty and dramatic. I need to trust more in the people who love and care about me. 

But my parents were wonderful and it just helps me remember that no matter how messy and hard and terrible this year has been for us a family, we’re all still in it and we’re all still listening and TRYING. It also made me feel a little like i’ve got some of my dad back. I’ve never really doubted my parents unconditional love and support, nor my unconditional love and support of them, but if this year has done anything it’s pushed and tested that for all of us and at least I’m realizing this aspect of our relationship still survives. 

Anyway, happy monday???

I know this doesn’t belong on my blog but… 

There’s a shit ton that’s going on right now. 

Please..hear me out. 

I’m sure everyone on here takes suicide and depression and awareness very seriously. I know I do. 

Do NOT ‘attempt’ to kill yourself to trap your significant other with you. 

If they want to break up with you, if they want to leave you, talk to them about it - ask them why and hear them out and REALLY hear what they’re saying. 

And let them go. 

And then cry and scream and call your friends and family and watch movies and eat junk food. 

And in a couple weeks - call them, go visit them - see how they’re doing. Chat. Maybe continue the conversation, say you heard them out and that you would like a second chance. 

But if they still turn you down, let them go. 

You do not own people. 

And no one owes you anything. 

No matter how much you love someone - DO NOT threaten to harm yourself so that they are FORCED to stay with you OUT OF FEAR. 

That’s toxic. 

That’s bullshit. 

And that’s sick. 

I haven’t posted to this account in the past few months… And to be honest, I’m not entirely sure why. I have plenty to say and time to say it, but my motivation just isn’t there. And I guess that’s just depression for you.

I’ve been a little better lately, and I’m trying out some new mediations, so hopefully I’ll be posting again. Please be patient with me though if I don’t respond to asks as frequently. 

In the past few months, I’ve had some negativity from others regarding my practicing polyamory, and I guess guilt from that is another reason I didn’t feel like going on Tumblr. I think the best way for me to overcome that is by being more active again, and enjoying the positivity and acceptance that I find here.

I love you all – the poly community on Tumblr is amazing. <3