#dudeinpublishing

Forms of ingress into a location with unknown hostiles and/or civilians are divided into two types: warm and cold.

Cold ingress points rely on externalized sourcing; blueprints, visual surveillance, and any intel we can gather from locals if it’s a residence. We work up a complete outside profile - there’s not a single hole or seam visible that we don’t work into our planning. You’ll know the obvious - doors, windows, skylights, chimneys, vents, and the odd ventilation shaft - but the subtle cold ingress points are the trickiest, and the most rewarding if you like tricky, which I very much do.

Consider,par example, a scrounged blueprint that indicates an addition was build on within the last few years. Say we do our research and discover that there’s no insulation in the addition - maybe they couldn’t decide between fiberglass or blown cellulose or maybe they’re just short on liquidity or motivation - and what this tells us is that there’s a cold ingress point in the space behind the drywall. Not large enough for a human (or at least not one that’s legal to employ for the hours we’d need her) but large enough for a directional mic with a thermal sensing feed and who knows, maybe a directional charge. That’s how you make a door in less than three seconds. Try to hit a cold ingress point with a battering ram and it’ll take three seconds, assuming there’s nobody on the other side. Impossible to detect the heat signature unless you’ve got the sensor on the door, and any location that we put this much calories into crafting the perfect breach will have at least one shitty camera trained smack on that door. Know when to make a door. Measure twice, cut once.

Warm ingress points are cold ingress points that for become viable for their minimal obstacles and time sensitivity. Say the loading dock is unmanned during shift change, only two minutes a week but that’s the chance. Maybe the side office is closed while the manager takes a vacation - once every three years. Maybe the sunlight hits the north face of the bank building on November 18th at 2:13 PM and dazzles the entire block like disco. Warm ingress points are like the boy in high school you never considered viable until a few years later, when you’re riding that hometown bar into the witching hour, and he shows up all cute and airy and well-dressed as if all the work you passed on putting into him got picked up by some other nobler girl. The warm ingress point and you may not work out, but the golden window is there. You will laugh about the three things you both held onto from school - the molest-y teacher, the stolen trophies, the mold. will You drink in a livid sort of joy. You will toss off his mention of a girlfriend. You will breach him.

If you want a short short story writen just for you, donate to Tim’s page and email your receipt at [email protected].

Dear men of the tri-state area who feel hemmed in by the swipe-left philosophy that extrudes the dating process through a series of sterile tubes: STOP.

There is hope. There’s also beautiful women. Real ones. Not just avatars. Note that I said beautiful - beautiful in soul, spirit, bookshelves, and probably glasses. Not just pretty. Beautiful.

• Do you wish that there was someone out there who shared your deep abiding love of Alice Munro AND could keep you warm at night?
• Do you sometimes wish that the dating process was less deterministic and more like a gentle flow of current, bringing you ever closer to true happiness and satisfaction?
• Is your bookshelf filled with books you haven’t read yet?
• Do you know who Roxane Gay is?
• Do you tire of visiting bookstores and rightfully keeping your graceful pickup lines to yourself, wishing that there was an appropriate context to politely compliment women who are for the time being tolerating your presence?
• Do you wake up all alone and wonder where you are? 

Then stop fucking around and go to literary speed datingathousingworksbookstore on 10/16, courtesy of coverspy. 

I’ll be honest with you - the joke of “oh wow if you’re a straight (Editor’s note: or straight-passing) guy in publishing you really just have an embarrassment of dating options” IT’S TRUE IT’S TRUE IT’S TRUE but you NEED TO MEET THE RIGHT PEOPLE. As the Cat In The Hat (an icon all males should aspire to) said, “it is fun to have fun but you have to know how.”

So come to Housing Works, have a drink, buy that copy of A Girl Is A Half-Formed Thing, make fun of Knausgaard despite having not read him, and meet the best eligible ladies that the city has.

And save money by entering promo code “WOOLF” at checkout. Spelled like the author, not like this:

By now, the bloom is still on the crowdfunding rose, but it’s not nearly as dewy fresh as it once was. Whether it’s the backlash at celebrities who use the system to gain independence from their corporate overlords, the inanity of certain projects, or the fact that the hard unglamorous toil of charity is still not fully compatible with a browser-eye-view of the world that values short, hot, and sexy (content-wise), the process of using direct-to-donator approaches to cut through the bullshit and amass necessary resources without having to kowtow to (too many) middlemen is still valid - it’s just being marketed now, which distorts any idealism that’s run through it. 

Tim is one of my best and oldest friends and he has seen me through many phases of my life, often seeing me at my worst. He’s a strikingly noble person with a mind the size of a country and an iron sense of community that he’s retained despite New York City and associated elements’ best attempts to dispell or deteriorate it (remember, it’s harder for people to sell you stuff when you don’t feel alone). 

And you don’t know him. You very well never may. (Though considering how small this city is I’d be unsurprised if you did.) What’s worth knowing is that he’s running the NYC marathon in November for the simple reason that he’s a runner who wants to make money for an organization about which he cares a great deal. They give STEM classes and training to high school students who’d otherwise have the socioeconomic deck stacked against them. Pretty fucking awesome stuff.

I lived with Tim for a year and a half, while he was teaching school in Connecticut and commuting from New York. It was grueling. He spent his time teaching, commuting, and running. He never became bitter, and now, he’s in a better place - and he’s giving to a cause he aligns with, using the hard-won skill of being able to beat the shit out of your body over long distances.

I don’t expect that you’ll read this and immediately donate; that’d be insane, right? Altruism to a Tumblr stranger’s friend makes little sense without the element of trust. Sure it’s tax deductible. Sure it’s good to give. But there must be more to this. So here’s what I’m proposing:

If you find it in your heart and pockets to donate to Tim’s fundraiser, send me the email confirmation at [email protected], and in return for your generosity, I will write you a brand new short short story, and either post it for all to see to remind people of your generosity, or keep it just between you and me, whatever you prefer. And Tim will beat the shit out of his body using the streets of New York as a weapon, and high school gets get a bigger slice of the pie of chance. 

Tim’s page is here.

Lena Dunham Still Hasn’t Specified How She Will Be “Compensating” Her Book Tour Openers

Lena Dunham Promises “Openers Will Be Paid In Money, Obviously” So We Know She’s Gouging Them

We’re Offering Fifty Dollars To Anyone Who Can Produce A Pay Statement For One Of Lena Dunham Tour Openers 

We Break Down The Costs Of Lena Dunham’s Book Tour To Indicate How Little The Openers Were Actually Paid So You Won’t Have To

A Stream Of Trashpile Rats Reviews Lena Dunham’s Book

Real Slick Nick Denton Non-Reference In The Season Premiere Of GIRLS, Lena Dunham

Did Lena Dunham Harass One Of Her Tour Openers? Yes.

Did Lena Dunham Neglect Lamby The Dog During Her Book Tour?

Did Lena Dunham Smother Lamby The Dog During Her Book Tour?

We’re Offering One Hundred Dollars For Pictures Of Lamby The Dog Next To Today’s Newspaper

A Death Row Inmate Reviews This Season Of Girls

We Slept With Lena Dunham’s Assistant So You Wouldn’t Have To

We’re Offering A Job To Any Accountant Who Can Provide Us With Lena Dunham’s W2

It’s Lost All Meaning Now, Seriously, No Matter How Many Times We Say It, Lena Dunham Lena Dunham Lena Dunham

Today is the birthday of both Truman Capote and the Sufi poet Rumi, so I can’t help wondering how bacchanalian a party they could have co-hosted if they’d lived in the same century.