Shadow Work Challenge - Who Am I

“Who am I?” Day 10 (final)

I’m a person who’s adventurous… at least when given the chance. I’m hungry to see new things and meet new people. When I don’t get to do that, I feel like i’m stuck in a rut and get irritated and upset. I try to make changes and then get in trouble or get hurt. But somehow, that excitement is better than the boredom before.

I’m working towards making my life more adventurous. I hope I won’t have to wait much longer.

I notice when I travel, sometimes I feel sad or teary. I’m travelling today for an appointment halfway across the province and this happened. I think this sadness is something I’ve always felt and now that I’m somewhere new, or at least away from my home county, it bubbles up.

I’ve tried so many times to make a better life for myself and failed. I think these feelings and memories come up. I don’t feel like I’m a part of my home county but I’m stuck there. At least I’m a person who doesn’t give up easily.

Shadow Work Challenge - Who Am I

“Who am I?” Day 9

I’m a person who doesn’t like people that pretend everything is okay. I don’t like people that put Harmony and Peace above all else because my experiences with these kinds of people are that they will lie to me, others, and even themselves that everything is okay.

A part of me understands them. I used to value those kinds of things because I grew up in an environment where I felt like everything was chaos and unsafe. That I had to be immediately competent, push my own feelings down and ‘ be understanding’ towards the family members who lashed out at me when stressed, and basically couldn’t say no or set a boundary - not without someone taking it personally. If I told someone and tried to lean on their shoulder, they’d run off to ‘fix’ the problem and leave me to fall.

But you know what? Fuck understanding. I don’t wanna value that as highly anymore. I don’t wanna understand other people, I wanna understand myself! I’m a person that wants to understand myself!

I‘m a person who understands that I don’t like people who pretend everything is okay because I feel like I’m being lied to. I know that not everything is my business, so I will ask people if things are great or not great and I can take a step back. When people tell me everything is okay and I believe that, the trouble they’re trying to hide seems to catch up to me. I’m accidentally walking into a situation that WILL shock me, hurt me, and possibly trigger me.

Shadow Work Challenge - Who am I

“Who am I?” Day 8

I am a non-binary person. There’s several reasons why.

1. Even if my society achieves gender equality, we‘ll still place expectations on people for their gender. I don’t want to live under the expectations of either gender. I’ve tried male and female identities online over the years and don’t enjoy either.

2. Going off on that last point, it feel like I’m limiting myself by picking a role. I’ve lived my life being told I could/couldn’t do things because of my gender, or the other gender being excused for their actions due to their gender.

3. It’s really affected my interactions around people. Maybe it’s just cuz I grew up in romance-obsessed North America, but I’ve found myself in situations where, when people assume my gender, they flirt and try to ask me for my number or a date.

4. I honestly don’t really care for gender. I actually find it irritating when people bring it up by calling me a gendered name or describe my body with gendered terms. It’s one of the reasons I bury myself in large shirts and sweaters. Being called a gendered name is like someone constantly calling you by the wrong name. It gets awkward fast and irritating after a few too many times.

5. Speaking of clothes, I can’t shop in just one gendered aisle. I have broad shoulders and wide feet, so I get shirts, socks, and shoes in the male department. I can fit into pants from both aisles due to my broad hips, and I like some of the designs on clothes in the gal’s aisles. I’ve felt people staring at me when I shop in the ‘wrong’ gendered aisle and had clerks asking me if i was lost. Clothes shopping needs to be done in a stealthy way or it’s a minefield.

6. I always feel like I have something to hide. I hide this body because if I wear more form-fitting clothes, people will assume my gender and treat me as that gender, which gets awkward quickly. So I avoid most people. I can’t live as who I really am. Like I have a mask stuck to me that I’m trying to take off, but I can’t unless I go online.

7. When I picture myself in my mind (my inner self), it’s as a non-gendered person. No notable curves or angles, unisex teal and goldenrod clothing like a shirt or hoodie, and simple facial features.

8. Furthermore, I’ve struggled to take care of myself for a lot of my life. At some point during my teenage years, I realized this isn’t a body I really care about. I thought it was just some kind of typical teen anxiety, but none of the usual stories on teens and changing bodies were relatable. There was this undefinable part of me for years that Girl Power/Boys Rule never fulfilled.

9. At some point, I’ve realized that it was always *someone else* telling me who I was, what gender I am, and what that means. Sometimes I’d wonder “If I had the chance to answer that question, what would I say?” That question was unanswered for awhile until I learned more about Queer identities during university.

10. When I started getting onto social media, making accounts, and picking usernames, I realized that what felt like for the first time, I could say who I was and people would respect it. That’s when I started realizing I hated that Pick Your Gender question on account profiles and avoided them when I could. I only answered that question if there was a third option.

I’m seeking out transitioning surgery because I’m sure that by de-gendering my body, I‘ll feel more comfortable with social interaction. People won’t assume my gender (and subconsciously push gendered expectations onto me). When they ask, I get to say what I am, so I’ll feel like I have a part in the conversation and it won’t feel awkward.

I’ll feel like my Inner Self and Outer Self are unified, so I can live more authentically. I can shop with more confidence, socialize without feeling like I have something to hide, and better communicate what people should or shouldn’t expect of me.

Shadow Work Challenge - Who Am I

“Who amI?” Day 7

I’m someone who wants to help and be open-minded. Because of this, it’s been hard for me to say no to others - also because it seems like I’m constantly finding myself around people who take a “no” as some kinda personal insult and have even punished me for it. If I show that I’m angry towards someone, I feel like they try to please me and insist gifts on me cuz they see my anger as something to ‘fix’. I try to muster my confidence to talk with them and put things to rest, only to find out they haven’t put it to rest.

I’ve had times where I’m able to say no and walk away, so I just need to regain my confidence and let those situations define me. I’m still a product of my past, but I can grow from it and speak up. I control what defines me, what I think about, and how I act. There’s nothing for me to be ashamed of.