Shadow Work Challenge - Who am I

“Who am I?” Day 8

I am a non-binary person. There’s several reasons why.

1. Even if my society achieves gender equality, we‘ll still place expectations on people for their gender. I don’t want to live under the expectations of either gender. I’ve tried male and female identities online over the years and don’t enjoy either.

2. Going off on that last point, it feel like I’m limiting myself by picking a role. I’ve lived my life being told I could/couldn’t do things because of my gender, or the other gender being excused for their actions due to their gender.

3. It’s really affected my interactions around people. Maybe it’s just cuz I grew up in romance-obsessed North America, but I’ve found myself in situations where, when people assume my gender, they flirt and try to ask me for my number or a date.

4. I honestly don’t really care for gender. I actually find it irritating when people bring it up by calling me a gendered name or describe my body with gendered terms. It’s one of the reasons I bury myself in large shirts and sweaters. Being called a gendered name is like someone constantly calling you by the wrong name. It gets awkward fast and irritating after a few too many times.

5. Speaking of clothes, I can’t shop in just one gendered aisle. I have broad shoulders and wide feet, so I get shirts, socks, and shoes in the male department. I can fit into pants from both aisles due to my broad hips, and I like some of the designs on clothes in the gal’s aisles. I’ve felt people staring at me when I shop in the ‘wrong’ gendered aisle and had clerks asking me if i was lost. Clothes shopping needs to be done in a stealthy way or it’s a minefield.

6. I always feel like I have something to hide. I hide this body because if I wear more form-fitting clothes, people will assume my gender and treat me as that gender, which gets awkward quickly. So I avoid most people. I can’t live as who I really am. Like I have a mask stuck to me that I’m trying to take off, but I can’t unless I go online.

7. When I picture myself in my mind (my inner self), it’s as a non-gendered person. No notable curves or angles, unisex teal and goldenrod clothing like a shirt or hoodie, and simple facial features.

8. Furthermore, I’ve struggled to take care of myself for a lot of my life. At some point during my teenage years, I realized this isn’t a body I really care about. I thought it was just some kind of typical teen anxiety, but none of the usual stories on teens and changing bodies were relatable. There was this undefinable part of me for years that Girl Power/Boys Rule never fulfilled.

9. At some point, I’ve realized that it was always *someone else* telling me who I was, what gender I am, and what that means. Sometimes I’d wonder “If I had the chance to answer that question, what would I say?” That question was unanswered for awhile until I learned more about Queer identities during university.

10. When I started getting onto social media, making accounts, and picking usernames, I realized that what felt like for the first time, I could say who I was and people would respect it. That’s when I started realizing I hated that Pick Your Gender question on account profiles and avoided them when I could. I only answered that question if there was a third option.

I’m seeking out transitioning surgery because I’m sure that by de-gendering my body, I‘ll feel more comfortable with social interaction. People won’t assume my gender (and subconsciously push gendered expectations onto me). When they ask, I get to say what I am, so I’ll feel like I have a part in the conversation and it won’t feel awkward.

I’ll feel like my Inner Self and Outer Self are unified, so I can live more authentically. I can shop with more confidence, socialize without feeling like I have something to hide, and better communicate what people should or shouldn’t expect of me.

TW bulimia

purging has become so normalized in my life i barely even think twice about doing it and rarely feel guilty after because i’m so used to it :/

“where’d you get those shadows on your face?”

song: sleeping season

artist: flower face

i went from 130 to 124 to 122 in a matter of 3 days. don’t trust the scale yall

i’ve never felt more fat in my life. i’m so disgusted with myself. change needs to happen now

the problem is I purposely listen to certain music to trigger tf outta myself

screw the big ass I need skinny

went down a really bad binge period and I’m going back on track to my goals. It was all the weed smoking I swear

TW Binge/Purge

the feeling after binging then purging then binging again is one of the worse feelings out there

i’m literally INSANE last week i was on a whole gym grid trying to make my booty bigger now this week all i can think about is being thinner

TW bulimia

had a really bad week of binge/purge bc of how much i smoked. i think back to the times when i thinner and i’m am going to get it back

for having an ed i sure do think about food a fucking lot

not to be on my self-deprecation mode but existing as an ugly person be taking a toll on me as time goes by, like damn im ugly as fuck and nobody wants me and i am definitely not getting attractive ever, and i’ll just have to live like this for the rest of my life, this is pain

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That trans feel when you can’t work because you’re too depressed during the school year and the promise of free time in the summer is the only thing keeping you from killing yourself but without a job you’re not allowed to transition so your dysphoria only results in more depression and basically tldr I’m dying

Well i figured out something

If i wanna lose so much weight to look androgynous, if i hate having tiddies and it makes me anxious and sad, if i wanna look like a boy most of the time but still wanna look like a girl sometimes, if i want people to use other pronouns than she, if i’m often thinking of another, less feminine name, if i hesitate to buy a binder, if i have body dysphoria

Maybe it’s not just bc i have an ed, not bc i’m fucked up, not bc i’m a faking bitch feeling this for attention (lmao the logic here)

It’s because i’m non binary :)

(i’m simultaneously happy to figure this out and to finally put words on it, but scared of enbyphobia, transphobia, feeling invalid/à fraud, and sad bc it’s a main reason why i’m stuck into my ed but this time it’s not a temporary thing)

So where u at my nb and trans and queer and gender non conforming and non cis folks i wanna make friends ;-;

oscillating between being sad i wasn’t born with my boy bits… and kinda really liking being trans bc us boys are special boys

How I Fell In Love With Chicken Burgers

So a couple weeks ago I heard about Weight Watchers new app designed to help children aged 8-17 to lose weight. I was absolutely infuriated. Children should be living their lives and having fun, definitely not basing their happiness and confidence around their body size.

Diet culture normalises a LOT of disordered relationships with food. So I’ve written a blog post about my relationship with food and body image ❤️ it’s quite personal so if you get bored feel free to abandon it… but if any of it resonates with you remember how frickin beautiful you are, inside and out! And if you need someone to talk to, I’m here. You are not alone!

And, most importantly - this is why I discovered my love for chicken burgers!!!

for some reason, when the gynecologist asks me to put my bare coochie up in the air i don’t feel shame, but when i have to get an ecg and they ask me to take my bra off i feel so violated