#ermahgerd

The Horror at Camp Jellyjam contained all of the elements I crave in a Goosebumps book. It wasn’t afraid to go big and get weird. The book opens with Wendy and her brother Evan arriving at the camp when the trailer that they’re hiding in gets unhitched from their parent’s car and they crash in the woods. Part of me was wondering if the whole book was just Wendy’s ICU fever dream because they were not wearing seatbelts. Buddy the counselor was super-creepy, and the sports-based summer camp sounded like a never-ending gym class. That would have been literal hell for me as a child, so I deeply related to Wendy’s disillusionment as the story progressed. The twist at the end was batshit crazy in the best way. Unfortunately, the book fell short of making enough sense to place it in the upper echelon of Goosebumps classics like One Day at HorrorlandandWelcome to Camp Nightmare. With a few edits to explain some of the plot holes, or perhaps a significantly longer page count, this book could have really worked. Despite its flaws, The Horror at Camp Jellyjam was fun to read and it leaned into its weirdness. It’s hard to stay mad at the messier parts when I was enjoying the ride.

Score:3.5

For my full snark-filled recap with spoilers, gifs, and memes to illustrate my very important points, check it out on my website blog Fits of Nostalgia!

I had heard The Barking Ghost was one of R.L. Stine’s least favorite Goosebumps books, and I can see why. The first act of the story showed a lot of potential and was setting things up nicely. So much so that I was beginning to think that the book’s reputation was misplaced. I was wrong. There was a fun concept hidden, but it was buried beneath a half-baked plot that descended into sheer stupidity by the end. I understand that some kids do find dogs scary. I think those kids were the target audience of this particular book. I was never one of those kids. In fact, I think I wanted to be a dog when I was in third grade. So this whole concept wasn’t exactly scary for me at any age. In many ways, The Barking Ghost was a culmination of some of Stine’s worst tendencies in this series. Too much time was spent on fake scares and not enough time was given to developing the villains or their predicament. This is one of the few instances where the TV adaptation made significant improvements to the book. Which is to say the book really could have been good with a few significant edits. It’s a shame when a good idea suffers in order to meet a deadline. Everything in The Barking Ghost, Stine has done before and he’s done it better.

Score:1.5

For my full snark-filled recap with spoilers, gifs, and memes to illustrate my very important points, check it out on my website blog Fits of Nostalgia!

It Came From Beneath the Sink has a great title, a solid concept, and a unique monster. Unfortunately, it never managed to raise the stakes high enough for any of that to really matter. The characters are fine, the plot is technically fine, and it doesn’t rely on faulty villain logic to explain itself. Kudos to Stine for another great dog name; the cocker spaniel named Killer was a great touch. The book’s biggest crime is that it was boring. Stine had the opportunity here to get real weird and he didn’t take it. The Grool was gross and creepy, but it could have been way more powerful and menacing. I honestly think this concept had the potential to reach One Day at Horrorland orWelcome to Camp Nightmare levels of weird and fun, but it just kinda got stuck in the first act. It needed to do more than bring bad luck, or the bad luck needed to be way worse than it was. It Came From Beneath the Sink had all of the elements needed to make a greatGoosebumps book, but it ultimately fell short.

Score: 3

For my full snark-filled recap with spoilers, gifs, and memes to illustrate my very important points, check it out on my website blog Fits of Nostalgia!

Monster Blood III is the sort of sequel you get when you start with a shoddy concept and then stretch it beyond any reasonable length. The Monster Blood books boast more sequels than any other in the original Goosebumps run, and it’s slightly baffling when you realize how none of them is particularly good. My theory is that the badass-sounding title and beautiful Tim Jacobus cover art of the first Monster Blood drove the book to best-seller status in spite of its weirdly bad plot. This brings us to this book. It was tedious. Andy and Evan, the one strong point of the first book, are stuck in a painfully stupid cycle in which they keep using Monster Blood in spite of its dire consequences. They have horrible ideas, and it’s hard to feel anything for them when things go awry. This time we add Kermit to the mix, who is a new kind of awful. There is nothing scary about green slime that keeps growing. It’s not even as gross as it could be. Also being a giant sounds fun, but that only happens for a relatively short section of the book. Most of it is Kermit being terrible to Evan and Andy. The ending could have been satisfying, but Stine has done similar twists and done them better. I also just didn’t care. Three books into a mini-franchise titled Monster Blood and we still have never seen a single monster from whom the blood supposedly originates. That, I believe, is the most unforgivable thing of all.

Score: 1

Check out my website blog my full review with memes, spoilers, and snark:

https://www.danstalter.com/monster-blood-iii/

The Cuckoo Clock of Doom holds the distinction of being one of the sillier Goosebumps books, and yet it pulls off one of the darkest endings in the series that I’ve read so far. I was reminded of Groundhogs Day at more than a few points throughout. Michael was a frustrating main character, but it was fun to watch him struggle as the book took him through an endless series of ridiculous events. Stine is rarely kind to his characters, and this was no exception. Michael’s predicament was relatable, but his lack of agency could be tedious at times. His sister Tara was capital-A awful. I was reminded of my one babysitter’s son from my own childhood. The kid was a straight-up terror, but he was a perfect angel in mom’s eyes and never got in trouble. I had a hard time believing that Michael’s parents could be that oblivious, but oblivious parents are the bread and butter of most Goosebumps books. The time travel mechanics made for some really funny scenes, but the mechanics of how it worked was very inconsistent. It’s something that could have easily been remedied. I was left with some genuine questions at the end. The Cuckoo Clock of Doom might not be the strongest or the most original book in the series, but it did manage to deliver a good balance of fun and scary.

Score: 3.5

I’ve got a longer spoiler-filled review up on my blog, where I take a deep dive and contextualize things with memes, gifs, and snark. Check it out:

https://www.danstalter.com/the-cuckoo-clock-of-doom/

This was the first Goosebumps book I read as a kid. I distinctly remember getting it for Christmas in 1994 and starting it that night. I loved it then, and I’m really happy to say that fro the most part it holds up. It struck a near-perfect balance of horror and adventure. From being chased by a creepy man to then being left by their tour group in a strange foreign city, there was a great escalation in scares with each scene. The memory loss bit was particularly frightening. I blame this book for planting the seeds of my first existential crisis as a young adult. My biggest issues in the book had to do with the actions of the adults around Sue and Eddy. The first and most obvious is the way the kid’s tour guide left without them. That place would be crawling with police if two kids went missing while on a tour. I won’t get into specifics on the rest because of spoilers, but you can read my thoughts on that after the jump. I was also a bit frustrated with the rushed ending and felt it could have been done better. A Night in Terror Tower stands out from the pack for the way it was based on actual historical events; the only other books in the series that do anything like that are Curse of the Mummy’s TombandReturn of the Mummy. Overall, it mostly lives up to my nostalgic love and was still fun to read in spite of knowing all the twists. A Night in Terror Tower is easily one of the strongest books in the series.

Score: 4

A full review with memes, spoilers, and snark can be found over on my wordpress blog:

https://www.danstalter.com/a-night-in-terror-tower/

Phantom of the Auditorium is one of the more solid Goosebumps books I’ve read so far, though it is not without significant flaws. It had a few scary moments, but it mostly kept things light-hearted. I would say it was more entertaining than truly scary. It was even surprisingly sweet at times. I liked the character dynamics of the kids, even though it was way too easy for them to break into their Middle School at night. The sloppiest parts of the story revolved around the villain and their motives. Bad guys in Goosebumps books tend to make some really baffling decisions. Phantom is no exception. Ultimately this didn’t detract too much from the story, however. That’s because Phantom’s strength is in the layered storytelling, with multiple plotlines interconnecting. This allows it to succeed on some levels even as it falls flat on others. That’s about as specific as I can get without dropping major spoilers.

Score: 3.5

For more thorough analysis on the plot motives of villains in children’s literature, I have a spoiler-filled review up on my blog:

https://www.danstalter.com/phantom-of-the-auditorium/

Return of the Mummy picks up one year after the events of Curse of the Mummy’s Tomb and sees Gabe returning to Egypt to visit his archeologist Uncle Ben and know-it-all cousin Sari. It’s got some good scares like the first book, and the setting lends itself naturally to a sense of adventure. There were some good comedic bits in there, too. I really liked the fake mummy who was there to shoot a gum commercial. The core characters had a good backstory to build off of from the first book, and no harm was done bringing them back for book two. However, so far as the other characters go… Stine has a tendency to write villains whose motivations are little more than vague notions of world domination. This makes sense to a degree when you consider the strong overlap of Goosebumps readers who religiously watched shows like Power Rangers. Complex villains weren’t exactly something that was sought out by this readership. And yes; I’m counting myself among them. Return of the Mummy felt like a missed opportunity on this front. Without getting into spoilers, the villain(s) had a great setup before stumbling into this vague and predictable cliche. Overall, Return of the Mummy was fine. It was a mild letdown after the first book and lands firmly in the middle of the Goosebumpspack.

Score: 3

For more thorough analysis on the plot motives of villains in children’s literature, I have a spoiler-filled review up on my blog:

https://www.danstalter.com/return-of-the-mummy/

Ghost Beach was almost as creepy as I remembered it being. It did a great job of making the beach scary, built an excellent atmosphere, and delivered some truly spooky scenes. That being said, the overall concept ended up being half-baked. Jerry and Terri were two strong main characters, but almost every other character had really unclear and contradictory motives. I was reminded of Welcome to Dead House, where I was left wanting a better explanation behind the creepy town and its people. It frustrating because with another round or two of edits I think this could have been one of the best books in the series. It had all the right elements, but it fell apart when it came to actually making any sense. These issues clearly didn’t bother me when I was a child, so maybe it’s less of a problem than I am making it out to be, but I stand by my rating. Ghost Beach falls frustratingly short of the book it could have been.

Score: 3.5

For more frantic questions about the politics of ghost communes and the science of dogs recognizing ghosts, I have a spoiler-filled review up on my blog:

https://www.danstalter.com/ghost-beach/