#fading love
word count: 4k
warnings: angst and ending is fluff, fading love
– – – – – –
Things weren’t the same anymore. Waking up next to him didn’t give you a thrill, didn’t make your heart race like it used to. Bringing him coffee in the morning, kissing his cheek… his fingers never lingered where your lips pressed against his heated skin. Your laughter didn’t make his heartbeat skip, it just stayed still now. You both felt it, you both knew that things were different now… but never had the words been spoken out loud. They were there though, despite never being acknowledged. They were there when the two of you fell asleep alone, your bodies just mere inches from one another. Together but undeniably alone.
“Hey baby,” Kuroo spoke from behind you, jolting you back into reality. You turned to the man you once loved, the one you wish you still felt the same for. You smiled up at him, a sad smile… but a smile nonetheless.
“Hey,” you replied softly, holding back a small cringe at the feeling of his lips pressing against your forehead. A pang of numbness swirled in your stomach at the attempted affection. Pushing the feeling down your throat, you quickly changed the topic, “Do you have volleyball today?”
He nodded, stepping back from you. A rush of oxygen invaded your lungs, the suffocating feeling leaving you as the distance between your body and his grew, “Yeah we’re going to go practice with Fukurodani today. You want to come? Your bestie will be there.”
You chuckled at his teasing tone, rolling your eyes, “Akaashi isn’t my bestie, he’s just a friend.”
He reciprocated your eye roll jokingly, “Sometimes I think you like him more than you like me.”
You knew he was meaning it in a joking manner, but you could read it all over his face. He actually thought that. He saw the way you and Akaashi spoke, how Akaashi smiles at you and you smile back. The two of you had grown very close over the years, but you never thought of it to the extent that your boyfriend did.
“Don’t be silly,” you chuckled, your tone guarded. He was wrong, but not by much. You loved your boyfriend, you really did. But things were so different now… every movement, every kiss… they all seemed so forced now. The relationship you have with Akaashi is so easy. There is no questioning between the two of you. You could talk to Akaashi for hours and never once feel bored or like a burden. That’s not how it is with Kuroo anymore… honestly you’d never felt that way with Kuroo.
“Sure,” he spoke numbly, taking in the way your body stiffened at his words, “So are you coming?”
“Yeah, just let me go get dressed real quick,” you said sweetly, turning to head to his room to find some clothes. He went to reach for you, but you were already so far out of his grasp. In more ways than one.
-
“Y/N!” Bokuto yelled as you and Kuroo walked in. Normally he would be holding your hand, walking in step with you… but today you trailed slowly behind him. He had his hands in his pockets today.
“Bo!” you squealed happily, running into the energetic boys arms. He swung you around, nearly knocking Akaashi over but he was used to this. He ducked just in time, narrowly avoiding your tattered converses. A small smile was gracing his lips as he watched you laughing loudly, begging Bokuto to put you down.
“You’re going to make Y/N sick, Bokuto,” Akaashi voiced, his usual monotone voice causing small butterflies to swarm your stomach.
“Listen to ‘Kaashi,” you laughed, clinging onto Bokuto for dear life, “Pleaseee!”
The boy grumpily placed your feet on the ground, but the constant spinning had caused your mind to go a little fuzzy. You stepped forward in an attempt to ground yourself, but you could feel your body tipping over. Steady hands gripped your waist, holding you in place so you wouldn’t faceplant. You assumed it was Kuroo for a millisecond, but then you felt the twist in your stomach. You felt your heart racing slightly faster than it should. You felt your skin set on fire underneath their touch.
“Thanks Akaashi,” you mumbled, placing a hand on your forehead as the world slowly stopped spinning.
“Yeah,” he spoke, the words coming out slightly warbled. Confused, you turned to look at him. His cheeks were dusted over with pink, his eyes never once leaving the sight of his hands gripping your waist.
“‘Kaashi?” he looked up at your eyes at the sound of your concerned tone and for a moment you thought time stopped. His lips parted slightly at the sight of your reddened face, but you knew better than this. You knew that Kuroo was watching and you felt sick because of it, so you spoke up, “You can let go now. I’m not dizzy anymore.”
“Sorry,” he whispered, stepping away from you.
That felt different.
When Kuroo stepped away from you, sudden rushes of air plagued your lungs… but when it was Akaashi distancing himself. It was as if all the air in your lungs left with him. Ashamed of the feeling, you pointed towards the bench, “I’m gonna go sit down, have fun guys.”
Akaashi watched you as you walked away, his hands curling into fists at their sides. He wanted to reach out to you, he wanted to hold you… but you weren’t his to hold. You were with Kuroo and of course he knew that. He just hated it.
“Kuroo doesn’t look too happy with you,” Bokuto whispered to his best friend, breaking him from his trance. Akaashi looked over to Kuroo to see him glaring him down. Akaashi’s face remained stoic, but he felt irritation begging to express itself on his gentle features.
“Let it go,” he whispered to himself, causing Bokuto to look at him with a small smirk. Of course Bokuto knew all about Akaashi’s feelings for you. He was also aware of the lack of feelings between you and Kuroo.
“You two would be a cu-”
“Finish that sentence and I won’t set for you for the rest of the season,” Akaashi threatened as he walked away. Bokuto watched him with a knowing smirk, loving the sight of his normally stoic best friend starting to crumble over a girl. But he understood, you were one hell of a girl.
“Let’s play!” Bokuto yelled as he chased after his best friend.
-
For a practice match, it seemed a little serious. Normally the boys would be cutting up, but that was not the energy today. You could feel the brewing emotions between Kuroo, Akaashi, and even Bokuto. It only got worse whenever Nekoma won the first match, causing Kuroo to spin you around and kiss you. Surprised, you barely had time to to register what happened to kiss him back. Kuroo felt it, he felt you hesitating to kiss him back. He wanted to say he didn’t know why, it wasn’t like you were shy. The two of you used to do this all the time, but he knew the reason. What hurt the most is that he knew it wasn’t just because Akaashi was there… you just didn’t want to kiss him.
Akaashi watched the moment between the two of you, but from his view he couldn’t see your hesitation. His fist curled once more, anger taking over his body in a fiery motion. The second set. That’s when he was going to kick Kuroo’s ass.
“Calm down, Akaashi,” Bokuto said to him, placing a hand on his shoulder. Akaashi didn’t mean to, but his body reacted before his brain did. He shoved the boys hand off of his shoulder in a huff.
“Shut up,” he nearly growled, “I am calm.”
“We’ll win the second set,” Bokuto said to him with a smile, giving him room to seethe.
“I know we will.”
True to his word, Fukurodani won the second set. He smirked at Kuroo as he finished the set with a setter’s dump. Kuroo glowered at him, using every bit of restraint in his body to not jump the boy right there. But Akaashi wasn’t done. He turned to you, giving you a thumbs up. You, unaware of the brewing battle between the two boys, gave him a giant smile and returned the gesture.
“That’s it!” Kuroo yelled, pushing the net out of the way to get to Akaashi. Bokuto ran between the two boys, panic set in his features.
“Calm down, Kuroo!” Bokuto said, his tone matching Kuroo’s. He spread his arms out, protecting the smirking setter behind him.
“No,” Akaashi spoke with amusement in his tone, “Let him hit me. I promise to return the favor.”
Bokuto looked at him in surprise, “YOU’RE NOT HELPING!”
Now you understood. Silently, you marched over to the boys. Angry words spewed from each of their mouths like daggers being propelled across a battlefield. The teams were attempting to separate the two boys, but when they saw you walking over with a black aura radiating off of your body they all froze and stepped back. They knew you could handle this, and frankly they didn’t want to be in the mix while you did it.
Kuroo continued to scream at Akaashi, who of course just stared at him with that snotty smirk on his lips. But that all changed when he saw your approaching figure behind Kuroo. His expression dropped, showing the slightest bit of guilt. Kuroo never stopped, his words echoing through the now silent gym.
“Kuroo,” you said to him, your expression void of any feeling. He stopped mid sentence, his eyes widening in surprise. Everyone watched curiously as the tall boy seemed to shrink in shame as he turned to face the angered girl. Seeing that everyone’s attention was on you, you sighed, “Get your stuff. We’re leaving.”
Without another word, you spun on your heels and headed out of the door. Kuroo winced, realizing what was about to come. He silently packed his belongings and followed you out of the building, his movements unbearably slow.
“I guess it’s a tie?” Bokuto voiced, causing the entire room to stare at him in disbelief.
-
The ride was silent. Kuroo didn’t even attempt to speak to you. There was nothing that he could say. He thought of apologizing, but he promised you that he would never lie to you. He wasn’t sorry and he wasn’t going to pretend that he was.
It was the front door. The front door when it slammed behind you. When you shoved your shoes off of your feet. It was at the front door that the night really began.
“What was that?” you practically spat at the boy while he struggled to undo the knot in his shoes.
“I was protecting what is mine,” he mumbled, his fingers shaking around the skinny fabric.
“Excuse me?” his hands paused, immediately realizing his mistake, “I am not your property, Kuroo. So don’t you dare start that with me, got it? I’ll give you another chance. What was that?”
Kuroo snapped, standing to cower over you. His words came out lightning fast, he didn’t even know what he was saying until it was echoing the halls of his home, “What about you, huh? What about what’s going on with you and Akaashi? How about we talk about that? You think I didn’t see that little show the two of you put on when we got to the gym? You think that I’m an idiot? I saw it all!”
He didn’t intend for it to come off as threatening, he was just tall. But when he saw the way you cowered slightly under his gaze and under the pressure of his words, he softened. His hand reached out to caress your chin, but you shied away from his touch, “You think I don’t know that you don’t love me anymore? I do. Trust me, I have noticed.”
Pain. That’s all you could hear in his now gentle tone. You looked up to the boy, the one you used to love with your whole heart, “I do love you, Kuroo.”
He shook his head, tears dripping from his beautiful eyes, “Baby, please don’t lie to me. We promised we would be honest with one another.”
A sudden sob broke out of your chest as you clung to Kuroo. His arms instinctively wrapped around you, holding you close to him just as he did a million times. But, like most things these days, it was different. You weren’t warm anymore.
He wondered when your body stopped feeling like home to him.
“I want to love you,” you sobbed into his chest, “I want to love you so much, Kuroo.”
“I know, baby,” he sighed, pressing kisses onto the top of your head. He wanted to scream. He wanted to cry. But instead he just held you tighter, whispering his biggest confession, “I want to love you, too.”
There it was. Out in the open. He felt the same and he had for a while. Today was just his final attempt at keeping you in his arms, no matter how empty it made his heart feel.
“Please don’t hate me,” you whispered to him, causing both of your hearts to scream out in pain. His grasp tightened around you as tears began to flow freely.
“I could never hate you, Y/N.”
-
It had been two weeks since you and the Nekoma captain had broken up. It felt so weird to you to be without him. You were kind of thankful that you didn’t attend his school, you could only imagine how much more painful that would have made things. But it definitely was just as awkward at Fukurodani than it would have been at Nekoma.
You hadn’t spoken to Akaashi since that day. Of course, you weren’t sure if it was out of anger or confusion. The anger option was the easier excuse. But you were confused. You didn’t know how to act now. Akaashi made it painfully clear for you that day that he was interested in you and you didn’t know how to handle that. Obviously you had your suspicions beforehand, but he practically wrote it in the sky. How were you meant to act around him now? Was it too soon to talk to him? Did you feel the same way?
That one was the worst question of them all. You honestly didn’t know if you had feelings for Akaashi.
“Talk to him,” your friend prodded, nudging you backside with her elbow. Akaashi and Bokuto were on the other side of the library. Akaashi was attempting to study while Bokuto was trying to convince him to do anything but that. You watched the boys in slight amusement, but it quickly vanished when Akaashi’s eyes met yours. He seemed hopeful for a moment, but when you turned away from him, he felt his heart tearing in his chest.
“I can’t,” you whispered to her, pain evident in your tone. You walked to the other side of the room, attempting to find a seat where Akaashi’s gaze couldn’t burn your skin.
“You’re killing yourself over this,” Hana complained, snatching a book off of the shelf as she walked by. “It would be a lot easier to just… talk to him.”
“I told you,” you grumbled, placing your bookbag on the ground and sitting in the uncomfortable chairs. That was the price you had to pay to keep yourself from seeing Akaashi. Your body screamed out at you in protest. It had not stopped begging for his touch since that day in the gym. When his fingertips brushed against the exposed skin of your slightly raised top, it sparked so many things inside of you. Ever since, your mind and body have been calling out his name. You wondered if his was the same, but you couldn’t think about that long. When you think about his body begging for yours just as desperately as yours cried out for his… You shook your head, “I can’t. I told you I can’t.”
“Why not?”
“What if I don’t actually like him? What if he’s just a rebound?”
“You liked him before the breakup,” she said in a bored tone, spreading the spine of the book. It was new, your ears perked up at the sound of the spine adjusting to its new position.
“It’s too soon.”
“Even Kuroo said to try, didn’t he?”
She was right. That night, Kuroo had helped you pack your stuff (you didn’t live with him, but no one would’ve known that with as much stuff as you had at his place). He zipped up your bag and went to hand it to you. Right before you grabbed it, he spoke, “I know you don’t want to hear this just as much as I don’t want to say it, but I do like Akaashi. I think he would be good for you.”
“Kuroo,” you tried to say, but he silenced you with a pained look.
“Please,” he whispered, dropping the straps of your bag into your hand, “Don’t avoid love because of this.”
You said you wouldn’t. You promised him that you wouldn’t. But here you were hiding in the library from the one person who can set your skin on fire and cool it down with a simple brush of his skin on yours.
“Maybe I’m just scared,” you shrugged, trying to rid the air of this conversation. Hana sighed, dropping the subject. But even with her mouth shut and her eyes lazily scanning the pages in front of her, you knew every single thought going off in her mind.
-
“Are you mad at me?” Akaashi asked from behind you. Your body froze at the sound of his voice, so calm yet you could hear the panic behind it.
“No, ‘Kaashi,” you whispered, trying to walk away from him. Akaashi wasn’t sure what took him over at that moment. Maybe it was the fear that if he let you walk away now, you would never come back to him. His hand reached out, taking hold of your arm. His grasp wasn’t harsh, but it spread pain through your entire body. Longing. It sparked inside of you, causing tears to form in your eyes.
“Please,” he whispered, letting his frozen facade crumble as he stared at the floor underneath him, “Please don’t leave me.”
You turned to look at the boy, seeing a single tear drop from his eyes. Your fear was swallowed up by sadness, realizing it wasn’t just you who was breaking down. He needed you just as much as you did him. He just couldn’t ignore it any longer, “‘Kaashi…”
“I am so sorry for how I acted that day,” he struggled to speak, trying to force down a sob. He couldn’t let you walk away. His entire body trembled in fear that he would lose you before he even got to experience loving you.
“I’m not mad at you,” you whispered, but your words meant nothing to him. Not when you’d been avoiding him for so long.
“Then why won’t you talk to me?” he croaked, looking you in the eyes. Time froze around the two of you once more. You couldn’t help but notice how warm his gaze was on you, how inviting it made his body feel to you.
“I can’t.”
“Why not?” his voice grew louder in the abandoned hallways. You had never heard him sound so desperate before and suddenly you were thankful school had ended. Akaashi’s grip softened to the point it completely vanished from your body, causing your stomach to twist. You already missed the feeling of his skin on yours. But what broke you even further was seeing Akaashi’s body sink to the floor, barely able to hold himself up on his knees.
“I know that you and Kuroo broke up because of what I did,” he whispered, his fists clenched in his lap, “And I get it if you don’t feel the same about me. You don’t have to. But I cannot stand another day without you beside me. It’s killing me, Y/N.”
The emotion in his voice was raw and painful. You couldn’t stand hearing him like this, and it was tearing you apart that it was your fault he was acting this way. So you finally broke, falling to your knees in front of him. Your hands, so desperate to feel his warm skin beneath your fingertips, reached out in front of you and held onto his face, forcing him to look at you.
“I do feel the same way, Akaashi,” you admitted, your cheeks burning red at the confession, “That’s why I’m so scared. That’s why I’ve been hiding away from you. You were my only thought after I left Kuroo’s house that night. You have been the only thing I have thought about for the last two weeks. Every morning I wake up and look at the place Kuroo once laid and I imagine you there. I imagine your hands wrapped around my waist…”
“I-”
“And it’s wrong,” you sobbed, causing his eyes to widen as your hands fell from his face. He wanted to question you, but instead he stayed silent, “I shouldn’t crave you this much.”
Words were never Akaashi’s strong subject. So instead he threaded his fingers through your hair, gentle and loving fingertips brushing across your scalp. You looked at him, into his gunmetal blue eyes and suddenly you were no longer in the hallway of your school. You weren’t crumpled to the ground in despair, no longer fighting every ounce of your body to not fall in love with him. Suddenly you were in a field of cherry blossom trees, their soft petals gently cascading down from the sky and flowing down the soft edges of your skin.
“Couldn’t we just try?”
And then you were flying. You were in the sky as fireworks bloomed around you. You were soaring above all of the hurt and pain you had been feeling for so long. That numb feeling in your stomach morphing into something so bright and beautiful that you were sure those butterflies people speak of were more than just an expression. Desperation took over your body as you flung yourself forward, wrapping your arms around Akaashi’s neck and pressing your lips to his in a valiant declaration of love. His response was immediate, pulling you closer to him with the hand in your hair. His spare hand wrapped around your waist, tugging you into his lap. He was tired of the space between your bodies.
“Aka-” Bokuto went to yell as he turned onto the hallway. He stopped, seeing the sight in front of him. The two of you broke your lips apart, but remained together. He rested his forehead against yours, gazing up into your eyes with pure love. You couldn’t look away from them, they were intoxicating. Bokuto nodded approvingly before turning away, headed back to the gym to tell the team that Akaashi would be late to practice.
“You know he’s going to tell the entire team, right?” you asked feebly, your voice barely over a whisper.
A small smile fell onto his lips at your words, “That’s fine with me.”
He didn’t give you another moment to respond before his lips found yours once more. This time much gentler than the last. He poured every unspoken thought he had trapped in his mind into the kiss, and you heard every last word. Every single confession of his love. Every single cry of longing he had felt. Every night he laid in bed restless, wishing it was you beside him and not an empty space.
How your body was home to him.
“I love you,” he whispered against your lips as they separated. You looked into his eyes, as if searching for any sign of doubt. Doubt. That’s what you were used to now. But when you saw his unbreaking gaze and felt the vulnerability of his skin… you knew he was void of any doubt.
“I love you… I’m so sorry I made you wait.”
He smiled at you, his body relaxing at the words, “I don’t mind, just don’t run away from me again.”
You shook your head softly, “I would never.”
