#hard day

They moved on found love and raising children.

Look at me still trying to put the pieces back to my heart. Focusing to keep my mind from smashing my heart pieces even more from hurt and frustration. The glue isn’t sealing the pain as well as I hoped.

Well, I’ve had a couple of pretty tough days. I’ve been feeling very low lately. A lot of factors have led up to this. There’s just been so much going on in my life. On top of that I’ve had some major emotional milestones. Like going to my first group session (over the phone of course, because you know) for individuals who are bipolar. Did I ever even officially announce I’m bipolar on here? (let me go check…) Yup, I did. 

So one of the things that’s been happening with me since my new meds is that my emotions are a bit more focused. Like before I used to kind of be a bit all over the place, and everything would trigger me. Now only very specific things will trigger me. I now know criticism will trigger me, it seems any kind will do it. I thought someone was criticizing me and I had a anger episode. This is an uncontrolled angry state where you can feel this intense rage. That’s what it felt like to me. There’s not a lot of info out there on it, but it does exist. I think it needs to be talked about much more.

The situation that I went through ended with me isolating myself (so I had some control) and punching my bathtub, busting my pinky knuckle in the process (It’s alright now, almost). After that (through the bathroom door), it was explained to me multiple times and with a calm tone that it wasn’t the person’s intent to criticize me at all. Once my brain understood that, every ounce of rage instantly disappeared and it was as if nothing upsetting had happened at all. In fact, I had trouble recalling being upset just mins. after. 

So from this I learned what one of my triggers are, what can happen and that I need to avoid or learn how to tune out said trigger. That I’ll need to tell my therapist about it so we can figure out a way to at least manage (if we can’t stop) the rage during an episode so I don’t hurt myself, or someone else.

All in all I’m feeling pretty good with my progress. I dare say I’m proud of myself. I’m making progress.  (I came back to edit out the fact that I said progress twice, very close together, but y’know what, this is me. Sometimes I’ll write strangely) ^-^