#tough times

remember when korn didnt know that after he committed su*c*de, intouch followed him?? remember when dean/korn found out?? remember when pharm almost committed too?? remember?? REMEMBER??????

Well, I’ve had a couple of pretty tough days. I’ve been feeling very low lately. A lot of factors have led up to this. There’s just been so much going on in my life. On top of that I’ve had some major emotional milestones. Like going to my first group session (over the phone of course, because you know) for individuals who are bipolar. Did I ever even officially announce I’m bipolar on here? (let me go check…) Yup, I did. 

So one of the things that’s been happening with me since my new meds is that my emotions are a bit more focused. Like before I used to kind of be a bit all over the place, and everything would trigger me. Now only very specific things will trigger me. I now know criticism will trigger me, it seems any kind will do it. I thought someone was criticizing me and I had a anger episode. This is an uncontrolled angry state where you can feel this intense rage. That’s what it felt like to me. There’s not a lot of info out there on it, but it does exist. I think it needs to be talked about much more.

The situation that I went through ended with me isolating myself (so I had some control) and punching my bathtub, busting my pinky knuckle in the process (It’s alright now, almost). After that (through the bathroom door), it was explained to me multiple times and with a calm tone that it wasn’t the person’s intent to criticize me at all. Once my brain understood that, every ounce of rage instantly disappeared and it was as if nothing upsetting had happened at all. In fact, I had trouble recalling being upset just mins. after. 

So from this I learned what one of my triggers are, what can happen and that I need to avoid or learn how to tune out said trigger. That I’ll need to tell my therapist about it so we can figure out a way to at least manage (if we can’t stop) the rage during an episode so I don’t hurt myself, or someone else.

All in all I’m feeling pretty good with my progress. I dare say I’m proud of myself. I’m making progress.  (I came back to edit out the fact that I said progress twice, very close together, but y’know what, this is me. Sometimes I’ll write strangely) ^-^

skaldish:

skaldish:

…Anyone feel like there’s less community interaction in the norse-pagan-related tags lately, or is it just me?

Outside of the Lokean tag, I feel like the heathen-related tags just have a whole lot of instagram cross-posts or one-off thoughts. There’s not nearly as much art or poetry or general content-production as there used to be. :c

I thought about this in the shower yesterday (don’t judge me) but to me it seemed the growing Norse Paganism is finally in decline now that the “vikings” and “marvel” series had waned.

It reminds of the spartan/greek craze that happened briefly when the movie 300 aired however quantify that to Disney status because of Thor, Loki, and the avengers.

Most other Norse Pagans… Er… Pagans in general that I know IRL have left the internet and seem to be retreating to mild hermitage or private practices pointedly being less open in public with increased christian fervor (in the US).

In contrast, a handful are taking to political extremism/activism and had steered away from actual practice.

People like my husband and me, we live in the bible belt. We have always played it kind of close to the chest. I post sparingly on my practice (I’m actually very active but not openly) and my husband avoids using social media by general policy. But since we’re at work majority of the time we don’t bring it up just because the overwhelming majority are conservative christian both coworkers and customers.

In conclusion, I think the general atmosphere in many people’s lives have increasingly became hostile and they have decided to be more reserved on their content.

That’s my biased speculation from a shower musing though.