#humancas
Humanity and the Quality of Starlight
- Supernatural
- endverse!destiel
- rated M
- no specific prompt, just a bunch of emo music fueling my soul!
Humanity and the Quality of Starlight
i.
Cas
Darkness spills over him,
a bitter thing.
He was made of light once,
now he’s small
and cold
and hungry
and full of need
and want.
He hates it,
hates that his body
dictates
parts of his
life.
He shuts it up
on occasion,
but it never lasts.
Nothing does.
Tonight his body feels
empty.
Hollow.
There are people
in the camp
willing
to fulfill
this particular need
for him,
but he knows
it won’t work.
Because it isn’t
just
a need.
He
wants
Dean.
He wants
Dean
so much
it hurts.
And maybe
Dean will come tonight,
push open
his door without knocking,
push him down
into the bed.
Come to fill him
so exquisitely,
make him almost cry
on the line
between pleasure
and pain.
But that’s not what he wants.
Not wholly.
He wants
all of Dean–
Dean’s smiles,
his laughs,
his flannel shirts
and his cowboy fetish
and his grumpy mornings
and even his drunken rages.
Cas wants all of it.
ii.
Cas
A creak from the door,
a solid step
on the pine floor.
His stomach flutters
but he doesn’t move,
just stares out the window,
his back to the one he wants.
How do humans do this?
How do they
live
like this
all the time?
Walking around all empty,
filled with
hollow spaces?
Or is this a peculiar
Castiel
thing?
Because unlike normal humans,
he wasn’t born into the world
tabula rasa,
ready to experience
life
and
discover
happiness
No,
he’d arrived
on earth
already
in love.
He’s clear-headed now,
so he can admit it–
he’s in love
with Dean Winchester.
The man who just happens
to be standing
a few feet away,
waiting for some kind of
acknowledgement
before taking off
his clothes.
Go away, Dean.
The words
are out
before he has time
to think.
His heartbeat trips,
steadies.
Dean blusters.
Wha–?
I can’t do this.
He doesn’t turn away
from the window.
Doesn’t change the set
of his shoulders.
you mean tonight?
And that’s the question.
What does Cas mean?
For the first time
in months
pain
lances across his back
where wings
used to meld perfectly
with flesh–
just another reminder
of everything
he can’t have.
iii.
Dean
Anger rises in Dean.
Cas won’t look at him,
won’t turn away
from the damn window.
What the fuck
is going on
with you?
You tell me to
come any time,
the door
is always open.
You seem willing enough
for anyone else.
You know
I have eyes,
right?
Still nothing.
Dean’s heart
roars
in his ears.
He tries
to calm himself,
knows yelling at Cas
isn’t going to help.
Even if it feels good
to yell.
Even if it feels good to land
the gut punch.
Okay.
That was–
Look.
It’s not about–
I can keep
my pants on, Cas.
I just–
will you
atleast
look at me?
iv.
Cas
He can’t turn around.
Love is written on his face,
and that’s one thing
Dean cannot have.
Not so openly.
Cas gives it every day,
in small,
secret
ways.
An extra ration,
keeping someone away
when Dean needs quiet.
He listens when Dean
needs to talk things out.
He gives up his batteries
so Dean can have the music
he loves.
Dean can have Cas’s
secret love.
But for him to know,
to truly have
Cas’s heart–
He could shatter
Cas
into
pieces.
The window frame,
barely visible
in the dark of the night,
begins to blur
in Cas’s vision.
When did he start
crying?
It doesn’t matter.
He’s not turning
around.
v.
Dean
Cas?
Dean’s grown
accustomed
to the fallen Cas,
the hiding from reality,
human Cas.
But sitting in front of the window,
silhouetted
in the soft light
of the night,
Cas looks more
angelic
than Dean’s seen him since…
Maybe
since that first night,
in the barn.
He doesn’t look
terrifying
or badass.
Not this time.
Instead he looks…
holy.
A cry
builds up
in Dean’s throat;
he chokes it down,
hold it behind his teeth.
He can’t just
suddenly
spout words of
reverence–
of worship–
from nowhere.
Cas is already
spooked.
If Dean start on like that
he won’t be able to
stop,
and Cas will
bolt.
And Cas
is all
he has
left.
vi.
Cas
The scrape of wood
on wood, the muted sounds of
Dean slumping
into a chair.
Can I just
sit
for a few?
It’s been
a long day,
everyone else wants me
to think. I just want some
quiet.
Gratitude
fills Cas’s stomach.
He flaps a hand,
decides his voice
should be
okay.
Go ahead.
I just–
It’s fine, Cas.
And he sounds
sincere.
Dean props his feet on the wall,
lets out his breath.
It sounds like he’s letting go
all the tension
of the day.
I never look up anymore,
he says. Too much
going on down here.
But they really are
beautiful.
Cas’s eyes are closed,
but he still sees
stars.
Yes, he murmurs.
Beautiful.
holy: (adj.) from the Hebrew qodesh; apart, separate, sacred
…
NaPoWriMo Day 18
isn’t it funny how they had to get cas out of the picture while he was human in season 9 because otherwise they could not physically have stopped dean and cas having sex???? cas experiencing human feelings for the first time????? dean seeing cas dressed in his clothes????? tell me dean wouldn’t have bumped into cas coming out of the shower only wearing a towel and they wouldn’t have ended up in bed together i’m sorry but it was inevitable so they had to get cas out of there they clearly cannot control these characters
ok ok ok the sexy stuff is great but also just imagine how SOFT human!cas and dean could’ve been???
dean towelling cas’s hair because “if you don’t dry it properly you’ll get a cold”
dean making cas loads of different meals to see what he likes to eat, then teaching him to cook them (domestic helping cas chop veggies while holding his hands and putting his chin on cas’s shoulder)
actually dean just teaching cas to do anything human whilst cas stares at him lovingly (changing a tyre, stitching up clothes etc etc)
DEAN STITCHING UP/BANDAGING CAS’S WOUNDS!! HURT/COMFORT!!!! cas hating that he can’t heal himself or dean anymore and dean saying it’s okay but begging him to be more careful
dean hugging cas for literally any reason except it’s the first time cas isn’t covered by all those layers and he can really feel him and it just fucks dean up a bit because he wants him so badly
just,,,,,,,,,human!cas and bi disaster dean thank u and goodnight
