#internet hate
Remember when trolls were lucky? They were cute little fuzzy haired collectables that you kept on your desk at school, to fulfill superstitions that you might pass a test you didn’t study for. Pink hair, blue hair- I think they even had their own TV show. My friend Kathleen even bought me these troll earrings, either because she knows I used to love these trolls, or because she thinks I’m super tacky.
As I’ve already mentioned, I have a deep fear of YouTube. A real problem seeing as how I’m a comedian, and the whole world goes there to check me out. I CAN’T handle the comments. They are painful. And even though I know it’s one of the Four Agreements, “Don’t take it personal,” it totally hurts.
I don’t like drama. I’ve never been a good arguer. I consider myself very diplomatic. I can always see both sides. Maybe that’s why I stick to self-deprecating jokes. If you’re a hater, it’s my way of beating you to the punch. In general, I don’t like debating. I don’t have full faith I’m right about anything. I remember in high school, I was selected to be part of the Grade 10 Debate. It was a debate where four students would argue against another four students on a selected topic, to be performed in front of the whole school. I wanted to keep the event light and fluffy. I opted for: “Chunky Soup: Fork or Spoon?” (It seemed like a loaded question, as per all the commercials we couldn’t fast forward through back then.) Unfortunately, I was out voted. The debate went to euthanasia.
So up until this point, I’ve been a coward with internet hate. I block people on Twitter, and in general I completely avoid YouTube. My mentality has always been, “Why should I learn to deal with hate? Why can’t others just learn not to hate?” (I’m SUCH an idealist, eh?) My friend Steph Guthrie has an AMAZING Ted Talks called “The Problem With “Don’t Feed The Trolls.” She makes a far more powerful argument than I do, and I suggest you watch it. (Hopefully I know how to post links right, cuz this is it.) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_KHEkR5yb9A
So this week, I’ve decided to face the trolls. I asked people on Facebook to send me mean comments they’ve received, and I will attempt to put a positive spin on them, and/or defend your honour. Here we go:
YouTube commenter:
“I bet she has some meaty beef curtains.”
Christina’s Positive Spin:
He probably doesn’t have a lot he can bet. Maybe a stamp collection from 1987, a comic book or two, his mom’s underwear… And to be fair, beef is delicious and everyone needs curtains. Especially at sunrise when you’re hungover.
YouTube Commenter:
Is that a laugh machine? Sounds like a sit come in the 60s.
Christina’s Positive Spin:
Hey, don’t bring Canadian TV into this. Don’t hate the player, hate the game. Also, what’s a “sit come?” Interesting how these “critics” manage to show their level of intelligence.
YouTube commenter:
Oh yah baby… you can squirt cum over me anytime. Puddles everywhere. Yum Yum.
Christina’s Positive Spin:
Who needs a positive spin on this one? YOU ARE IN, BUDDY. (Something tells me it’s C.O.D. though.)
So after an interesting session sorting through my friends’ trolls, I decided it was time to face my own.
I got a mean message via tumblr during my Tinder blog. He/she (Internet haters REALLY don’t want you to know who they are, eh? I can’t even decipher gender) wrote,
You’re fucking annoying.
Well, that’s not very nice. Usually I just ignore/block Internet meanies, but this one, I decided to respond:
Then why are you reading this? Go find something you like, ya facking idiot!
(Even when responding to trolls, I feel the need to utilize italics.)
When my blogs got featured on the Huffington Post, I was terrified of the comments. One of the first “burns” I got was:
“What is this? Miley Cyrus’s diary?”
Well… Have I got news for you. One woman’s insult, is another woman’s compliment. I’ll take it!
But now it’s time for me to face my real fear… my YouTube comments. Of course all my clips are super old, because I’m too scared of the site. The worst part of these trolls is that they have the power to shut a creative person down. At least it does for me. I don’t want to share half the stuff I think of. I have scripts that just sit in my computer. I have sets I’ve never put on YouTube. What’s the point? People are just gonna hate it all. I’m a total weeny.
I quickly drop a shot of Strawberry vodka in my glass of sparkling water, swallow that and my pride, and go seek out my haters. Are you ready?
YouTube Commenter:
“This bitch sucks. I’m pissed. I was watching the brilliant Russell Peters and then clicked on this lame-wade. You wasted my time. Go back to comedy 101, although I doubt it will help. You monotonous bitch.”
Wow. It’s everything I thought it would be and more. There’s lots of nice comments too, but guess which one I focus on? Positive spin…? There’s a link to me on Russell Peters’ page? Ouch. Who takes all this time to write and spread such hatred? Oh yeah. Somebody with no real name, nor real face. Since I’m currently trying to dive into the world of standing up to bullies, I decide to write a reply.
“Cool. You sound like a real winner! Do you have a real name? A real face? Why are you hiding from your own words?”
Then I went to bed. I’m not going to lose sleep over internet hate. (Though I probably will have nightmares over it.) When I woke up in the morning, I saw the craziest thing on my computer. Someone ELSE stood up for me! Somebody I don’t even know. He wrote a reply to her slander.
Check THAT out! It’s an INTERNET MIRACLE! This guy is a true hero. I actually want to BE this guy. I immediately start looking up my comedian friends on YouTube. I’m going to do for other comics, what this guy did for me. I’ve spent all morning throwing positive feedback on clips. I want to be your troll, but a cute, fuzzy lucky one, like the toy. (Emphasis on the fuzzy these days.) My next move will be updating my Yelp page. I’ve told so many businesses I’d write nice things about them, but currently the only review I have up is on this mean yoga studio who kicked me out for drinking coffee before class. (A COFFEE! It’s not like I walked in with a flask.) Isn’t it weird how we’re more prone to resort to the Internet when we’re angry, rather than when we’re pleased?
I’d like to start a revolution. I doubt that’s in my power, but maybe, just maybe, we can take a little time to write something positive about a person or place today. Don’t let the trolls win. I’ve already overplayed “Shake It Off” obvi, so my new anthem to kick the haters is Kiesza’s “No Enemiesz.” You should blast it right now.
FACK! I can’t be a cheesy person, eh? But like a 60s sit come, there aren’t not many of us left.
Using my fingers for things other than rings,
Walkinsauce
