#is a useful thing to be able to notice
I have been observing things about relationships. while I think resolving conflicts the (stereotypical) Redneck Way like some of my kinfolks, by beating up or shooting people, is definitely bad, resolving conflicts the opposite of the Redneck Way like other acquaintances I have come to know, where everyone talks openly about Boundaries and Communication but disagreement, anger, or boundary-enforcing are so uncomfortable that conflicts plink their way through a maze of gossip and conversations in closed pools before getting resolved through unexplained ghosting or ignored through manipulation and grudge-holding, is also bad
people who think that yelling is always bad have the worst relationship skills. If you can envision enforcing boundaries through politely saying “no” but can’t imagine yelling at someone, the concept of boundaries hasn’t quite been applied yet
What i’m saying is, if I was being assaulted, I would hit someone. That is in my toolbox at all times. The goal isn’t to completely eliminate aggression from your toolbox, it’s to communicate well enough that aggression isn’t your only tool, and people KNOW long, long before they reach your Danger Zone
when you can’t say “no” but you can punch someone, you end up killing your brother accidentally over a donut.
When you can say “no” politely but you can’t raise your voice or be a little bit of a bitch or whatever is needed, you either don’t have a Danger Zone (bad!) or don’t know where your Danger Zone is (bad!)
a lot of people function that way and they have interactions that leave them feeling uncomfortable and disrespected but they don’t really do anything about it until a line is crossed that potentially neither person really knew was there, and the only solution those people can think of is to end the relationship or cast the other person as a horrible person or whatever
Oh god let’s say I’m the person who doesn’t have a danger zone or doesn’t know where thr danger zone is. How do even I find out?
Any resource on setting boundaries or saying no will probably help. Also learning to tune in to your feelings. Just really basic stuff “How do I feel right now? Am I hungry? Am I tired? Am I sad? Am I upset about something? Why am I upset about it?” and so on and so forth. It’s practice that leads to rewards.
When you learn to tune in to yourself you will start to notice when you’re uncomfortable. Usually we learn to notice when we’re uncomfortable before we learn how to stand up for ourselves. That’s why I mentioned the first part, standing up for yourself can be learned too.
If you don’t really know where to start, I recommend reading some posts on CaptainAkward.com. Just some titles that sound interesting to you. In the very beginning, she also had two articles on how to say no. Also also in the first few hundred letters there’s a comment section that often shares many additional helpful anecdotes.
If you want to read more of a guide book, my most recommended book is “Recovering from emotionally immature parents” by Lindsay C. Gibson. It’s the second book on the topic after “Adult Children of Emotionally immature parents”. The recovery book focusses heavily on strategies and steps.
