(by the way if you’re a terf reblogging this because it mentions women, get fucked and choke, I don’t want you here and I run through the notes on the daily blocking people, I cannot stress how unfriendly a place this is for you)
[Image description: the title of the full article that the link leads to, and some highlights from it. The title: “Borough mayor is knitting to prove men speak too much at meetings.” The highlights: “Men ‘repeat everything several ways even though they’ve made their point- they like the sound of their own voices’ Sue Montgomery says.” “Montgomery knits in red when men speak and in green when women do. So far she has 15 inches of scarf, 80 percent of it red.” End ID. /]
Since once in a blue moon I actually discover a decent rule for adulting, and since I know I have followers a few years younger than me who are just entering the workforce, I want to tell you about a very important phrase.
“I won’t be available.”
Imagine you’re at work and your boss asks you to come in on Saturday. Saturday is usually your day off–coming in Saturdays is not an obligation to keep your job. Maybe you were going to watch a movie with a friend, or maybe you were just going to lie in bed and eat ice cream for eight hours, but either way you really, really don’t want to give up your day off.
If you consider yourself a millennial you’ve probably been raised to believe you need to justify not being constantly at work. And if you’re a gen-Z kid you’re likely getting the same toxic messages that we did. So in a situation like that, you might be inclined to do one of three things:
Tell your boss you’d rather not give up your day off. Cave when they pressure you to come in anyway, since you’re not doing anything important.
Tell your boss you’d rather not give up your day off. Over-apologize and worry that you looked bad/unprofessional.
Lie and say you’ve got a doctor’s appointment or some other activity that feels like an adequate justification for not working.
The fact is, it doesn’t matter to your boss whether you’re having open heart surgery or watching anime in your underwear on Saturday. The only thing that affects them is the fact that you won’t be at work. So telling them why you won’t be at work only gives them reason to try and pressure you to come in anyway.
If you say “I won’t be available,” giving no further information, you’d be surprised how often that’s enough. Be polite and sympathetic in your tone, maybe even say “sorry, but I won’t be available.” But don’t make an excuse. If your boss is a professional individual, they’ll accept that as a ‘no’ and try to find someone else.
But bosses aren’t always professional. Sometimes they’re whiny little tyrants. So, what if they pressure you further? The answer is–politely and sympathetically give them no further information.
“Are you sure you’re not available?” “Sorry, but yes.”
“Why won’t you be available?” “I have a prior commitment.” (Which you do, even if it’s only to yourself.)
“What’s your prior commitment?” “Sorry, but that’s kind of personal.”
“Can you reschedule it?” “I’m afraid not. Maybe someone else can come in?”
If you don’t give them anything to work with, they can’t pressure you into going beyond your obligations as an employee. And when they realize that, they’ll also realize they have to find someone else to come in and move on.
IMPORTANT!! PLEASE READ!!
Just like with many other parts of life, learn to say ‘no’ to people. You are important. Don’t kill yourself for another person, esp. if they are your boss.
I have been observing things about relationships. while I think resolving conflicts the (stereotypical) Redneck Way like some of my kinfolks, by beating up or shooting people, is definitely bad, resolving conflicts the opposite of the Redneck Way like other acquaintances I have come to know, where everyone talks openly about Boundaries and Communication but disagreement, anger, or boundary-enforcing are so uncomfortable that conflicts plink their way through a maze of gossip and conversations in closed pools before getting resolved through unexplained ghosting or ignored through manipulation and grudge-holding, is also bad
people who think that yelling is always bad have the worst relationship skills. If you can envision enforcing boundaries through politely saying “no” but can’t imagine yelling at someone, the concept of boundaries hasn’t quite been applied yet
What i’m saying is, if I was being assaulted, I would hit someone. That is in my toolbox at all times. The goal isn’t to completely eliminate aggression from your toolbox, it’s to communicate well enough that aggression isn’t your only tool, and people KNOW long, long before they reach your Danger Zone
when you can’t say “no” but you can punch someone, you end up killing your brother accidentally over a donut.
When you can say “no” politely but you can’t raise your voice or be a little bit of a bitch or whatever is needed, you either don’t have a Danger Zone (bad!) or don’t know where your Danger Zone is (bad!)
a lot of people function that way and they have interactions that leave them feeling uncomfortable and disrespected but they don’t really do anything about it until a line is crossed that potentially neither person really knew was there, and the only solution those people can think of is to end the relationship or cast the other person as a horrible person or whatever
Oh god let’s say I’m the person who doesn’t have a danger zone or doesn’t know where thr danger zone is. How do even I find out?
Any resource on setting boundaries or saying no will probably help. Also learning to tune in to your feelings. Just really basic stuff “How do I feel right now? Am I hungry? Am I tired? Am I sad? Am I upset about something? Why am I upset about it?” and so on and so forth. It’s practice that leads to rewards.
When you learn to tune in to yourself you will start to notice when you’re uncomfortable. Usually we learn to notice when we’re uncomfortable before we learn how to stand up for ourselves. That’s why I mentioned the first part, standing up for yourself can be learned too.
If you don’t really know where to start, I recommend reading some posts on CaptainAkward.com. Just some titles that sound interesting to you. In the very beginning, she also had two articles on how to say no. Also also in the first few hundred letters there’s a comment section that often shares many additional helpful anecdotes.
If you want to read more of a guide book, my most recommended book is “Recovering from emotionally immature parents” by Lindsay C. Gibson. It’s the second book on the topic after “Adult Children of Emotionally immature parents”. The recovery book focusses heavily on strategies and steps.
“Just” has multiple meanings, often presented or interpreted as a synonym of “only” but,“just” is primarily a shortneing of “justified/justifiable”.
Something that is “just/justified/justifiable” is somethig considered or percieved as being moral righteous, fair, proper, “equitable ”, or reasonable… whether that is actually the case or not.
So, when people say things like:
“Just saying…”
“It’s just wearing a mask…”
“Just hear me out…”
“It’s just until….”
“It’s just giving up some freedoms for…”
What they are really saying is:
“I’m justified in saying…”
“It’s the proper thing to do, wearing a mask…”
“It’s reasonable to hear me out…”
“It’s fair to have you do this until…”
“It’s equitable to give up some freedoms for…”
So, remember, the majority of the time, using “just” is probably not just a synonym for only. It’s probably someone subconsiously trying to persuade you into accepting something your really shouldn’t by asserting it as “justified”.
