#i’m freaking out

It was the last day before break, and I wanted to give M a gift. I never got to ask him what he would like, so I wound up buying him a decently-sized container of roughly 2 dozen assorted chocolates. I also included a card along with his sweets, writing things like ‘happy holidays!’, and ‘be safe!’

I’ll also be sending him a piece of artwork just as I did last year on Christmas day! Don’t worry, he’s used to being spoiled; I’ve been gifting him and the other directors he worked with ever since we first met. To him, something like this probably just sounds like “something R would do”. Haha. The artwork will be way better this time around though!

Without further ado, I’ll get into it!!

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Since the students got to have first period at the normal time today despite the finals scheduled, I was overjoyed. I had an early opportunity to give M his Christmas present.

I arrived to the school half an hour before the bell rang in hopes to get the gifting over with, in case we had a rehearsal that day. To my avail, though, I noticed that M’s car wasn’t parked next to the entrance as it usually was. M was usually at the school earlier than later, coming in around this time, but it was a slow day for everyone, so I didn’t blame him. It gave me more time to think anyway. I figured I’d just wait out his arrival by chatting with other band kids who were present.

Pretty soon, I was sitting in the back of the room with a friend, chatting back and forth about their new job, when M walked in. I immediately noticed that he wore green today— a color that he rarely put on. It was lovely pairing with his appearance; his face looked so extravagant paired with that natural tone. He’s so pretty. As soon as I shook myself out of my trance, I saw that he was walking in a brisk pace.

Continuing to watch, I saw that he stopped to begin exchanging words with one of his other assistant directors. We’ll call him E. M’s head tipped down for a slight second at the bright bag I had given E earlier, dangling from his hand. M smiled lightly. I believe he asked where he had gotten that, because E slightly gestured in my direction with his hands and nodded, slightly smiling as well.

M’s head turned slightly towards me, but he didn’t move it any further. It almost looked like he was a little taken aback by how I gave E a gift and not him, at least, from what I saw in his facial expression. He stood there, silent for a moment, before mumbling something else. The two left the room together soon after that. They were gone for a few minutes.

For about the next half hour, the one I talked to went to sleep (it was a study hall day for us— sleeping there is actually encouraged by M when the opportunity is given). All the while, I was stalling on giving the gift to him. For one, he was going in and out of his office a lot, likely to aid others. Two, there were many people walking into his office too, to ask questions as well.

Of course, this led me to stay there longer than anticipated. I may have seemed terrified about the situation to anyone else (my friend especially), but I was really just nervous about the entire thing. I was trying to think rationally as well; I wanted M to be happy, and, selfishly, I wanted to make sure that our interaction wouldn’t be interrupted by someone else walking in. That was why I thought it would be better to everyone else do their thing beforehand.

One after the other, students came and went from the office. One in particular walked in, and didn’t exit. For what felt like eternity, I was waiting for them to get out of there. I grew even more anxious as time went by. By the time three or so minutes had passed, the student finally left. My friend was awake now as well, giving me a little pep talk, saying that I should just go ahead and give M the dang gift instead of waiting for so long.

With their words of urgency and my own knowledge of the time running out, I knew that it was time to go in there. Now or never. After another minute or so, I swallowed my anxiety, got up, and made my way over.

…

I planted a few light knocks on the office door and peered through the window. I didn’t see M in his seat, so I assumed he was probably trying sleep under his desk like U taught him to. I suppressed a grin at the thought. Despite knowing that I did not get any confirmation to move forward, I opened the door. I was going to place the gift bags down, leave, and be done with it. It would be a harmless little action.

When I took a step through the doors, I scanned the room right to left, eventually landing them on M. He was standing there, now frozen in place, reaching up to put something on the shelf. His head was turned left, and he looked at me with a surprised expression. His wide-eyed curiosity was adorable. “What’s up?” He asked me, still caught off guard. He never broke eye contact, not even in the odd position he was in.

I looked away from him, feeling slightly embarrassed to have walked in while he was doing something. “I was just going to put these gifts down…” I smiled at the floor and subtly lifted the gifts in my hands, mumbling half to myself. By the time I looked to the left and back at him, he had finished his action and was already walking my way. In spite of trying to look subtle, his joyous smile was that of a young child’s at the prospect of a present, and his eyes sparkled exuberantly with excitement. It was notably obvious how much his mood lifted in the span of three seconds.

“Ohww,” he let out as he strolled towards me, “thank you!!” I walked slightly forwards as well while he approached, but far enough so he could still walk through the open space between the two desks. “I didn’t get to ask you what you wanted, but hopefully this is good enough!” I spoke a little quickly, looking back at the floor and grinning even more.

M stopped in front of me and held out his right hand towards me. “You want me to..okay.” I gently slid the handle of the gift bag off my left hand to transfer it onto his own. He carefully clasped his fingers to hold it and circled left, cheerfully, to his desk. There, he placed it down. “Thank you!” He thanked me once more. While he did that, he looked over to me, who was now leaning over to set U’s gift down as well.

“Oh..— and that one’s for..Mr. [U]?” He spoke quicker as well, with a sort of a more anxious-to-talk tone of voice. I could practically hear his smile in his words. “Yeah,” I stated quietly. I placed the bag down and made sure it wouldn’t fall before turning back to M. Seeing him now, all eager and warm, I really wanted to hug him right at that moment. But not now. Later, I told myself. Later. Even then, I still felt this urge the entire time we remained in the same room together.

He began to initiate a conversation with me, his smile never faltering. He looked nervously in front of him while he asked me, “How was your first semester?” He wasn’t the type to break eye contact, so the fact that he did just that was a little odd, but I looked past that. “It was GREAT!” I replied genuinely.

I’m not exactly sure why, but this seemed to catch him quite off guard. “Oh,” he spoke very quietly. I very quickly ended my statement after that with “Thank you!” He smiled and said, with gratitude, “You’re welcome!” The room was silent for another two seconds, in which he began to look into my eyes once again. I waited a little bit before continuing again, shooting a smile his way. “It was worth it.” “Yeah.” He spoke, eye contact now beginning to waver. He seemed a little lost in thought, like he didn’t process what I said. The urge to hug him grew even stronger.

In hindsight, I could have began asking him questions too, but I wasn’t thinking much. Haha. The silence prevailed. He sensed the conversation may die down here, so yet again, he brought up a new subject. “Did you march contra?” He asked me. His brows slightly furrowed, his eyes squinted, and he grinned, giving me a questioning look. “During the parade? Yeah!!” I beamed up at him. He glanced at me, smiling a little. “How was that?” He asked me softly.

“Ohh,” I complained playfully, “my arms were so sore.” I wiggled my right one for dramatic effect, glancing up to see him react, but I instead saw him gazing fixedly at me, thinking about and listening actively to what I had to say. Whoops, guess he was waiting for a genuine answer. “…But I had tons of fun!!” I finished. He observed and pondered to himself as I grinned at him. He began to hold a light smile that never faltered for the rest of our time in the office.

“Do you like it better?” He questioned. “Well,” I began, a little unsure. “Personally, I think it has a better tone quality.” After I said this, he nodded to acknowledge my statement, then looked away from me, at nothing in particular. He tilted his head upwards to think, and I believe his left arm was folded, with right hand holding his chin.

“I’m still trying to decide,” he informed me. “I know he,” he quickly gestured to U’s desk, “likes them..” He paused for a little moment, then turned lightly to look at me. “…But I’m still unsure.” I chuckled and said that was fine. I bit back a ‘take your time’ statement when he continued to stare at me after that. He put his arms on his hips. God, I really wanted to hug him.

“Well, thank you!” He beamed, and as if he heard the thoughts replaying in my mind, he extended his left arm out towards me for a side hug. I couldn’t help but beam back at him and take it. I took a step or two towards him while he did the same. I remember the feeling fairly well:

The sides of our upper torsos leaned nicely against one another. His arm remained softly behind my left shoulder, while my right arm remained on the back of his right one, eagerly patting the area behind it three times. The side of his head was close to mine. His shirt was warm. We were comfortable. His scent floated around me, and flooded my mind. I don’t know what cologne he uses, but if Heaven had a smell, that would be it. Kind of hoping he could smell my perfume as well — I had put scented lotion on my neck along with it in case we’d end up like this anyway …

After a long 1-second hug from him that felt like what would be forever in a lifetime of bliss, he pulled away casually. I did the same. I continued to beam at him. He smiled at me as well. “Oh, yeah,” he brought up out of the blue, “You’re going to play in a brass quintet.” He then began to stroll towards the door. “Really??” I gawked in disbelief. He continued to grin. “There will be …” He began to list a few of the instruments that would be playing alongside myself. I was in awe throughout his whole spiel. He chose me for something like this?? I can’t believe he trusts me this much.

He finished up listing some of the instruments and stopped right before opening the door in front of me, turning to look straight into my eyes. His deep, luminous brown eyes hooked right to my own. He had a little smirk on his face. His body was tilted downwards a bit, probably leaning on the door handle. He told me, “I’ll give you the music for that—after break.” He then pushed open the door and moved so he stood at the edge of it, giving me room to exit.

I smiled so hard, both at his action and the huge opportunity he just gave to me. “Awesome!! Thank you!!” He smiled right back at me, his adorable eyes squishing upwards with the force of the expression. “You’re welcome. Have a good day, R.” “You too!” After walking forward a little bit, I looked back at him quickly, still beaming. He stood in the same spot, expression unchanged as well. I then looked back in front of me. My friend from earlier was looking at me now. “Wasn’t that hard, was it?” They called over. “No, it wasn’t!”

They saw my super happy expression, and I told them what had happened. Well, some of what had happened. Most of it was me telling them that he was being really nice to me, to which they rolled their eyes at, because that was the same thing I would always say. Haha.

At the end of the day, I hesitantly turned to walk straight through the fine arts halls, right the back of the school’s exit, instead of taking the way that would bring me right to the band room. I told myself that M would probably not be out of his office, and that I probably wouldn’t see him if I went in there anyway. Little did I know, I was right.

After taking the turn, I noticed someone sitting on the stairs near the exit I was taking, and looking at their phone. Was that…? It was. M was there! I’d be able to see him again!! Right when I realized this, I was suddenly covered behind a decently-sized group of people. Four or five. Fairly sure they mostly wore black hoodies.

I decided not to move on purpose as it would be too obvious in showing M that I was overly excited to see him, so I stayed hidden. Eventually, there was an opening between two arms of the people who were in front of me, making the perfect display of my face in the middle. I could see great through it too. It was the perfect window for me to see M, and vise versa.

I saw M look straight up from his phone once, looking in my direction, then down again. Almost right away, he very quickly took a double take and rose his head again to look at me once more, this time not letting his attention falter. The group luckily dispersed so that all of me was visible to him. M and I kept prolonged eye contact. The closer I got, the more I smiled. When I was about to step out of the hallway and into the actual room he was in, I waved at M shyly with my left hand. He kept looking and began to smile.

“Have a great break, R.” He called to me, genuinely, from across the area. I grinned from ear to ear. “Yeah — you too!!” I exclaimed. My expression was vibrant. His grew even more tender and caring. He maintained a happy smile as I made the turn for the door on the left of me instead of walking up the stairs next to him…for some reason.

I turned back to him, noticing that he was still gazing at me. He spared one fourth of a second’s glance at his screen before returning once more, noticing my returned attention. I beamed so hard at him. He was looking at me. He was smiling at me. He was happy. That was everything to me.

I looked forward once more, and did a happy little dash out of the door. Right then and there, the winter break had commenced.

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I was SO content that entire rest of the day. Heck, I’m still happy now.

Thinking back to it, M never held the door for anyone else. Just for me, and that realization gave me so many butterflies. And the sudden mention of a brass quintet— what if that was his version of a gift for me..? It sounded so sudden, and I don’t think he could give me something back, so what if this was something he just thought of doing in the moment, to try return my act of kindness? You know what? I’m overthinking this way too much.

Hopefully the band isn’t too hard for him to set up, with everything else going on and whatnot. I wouldn’t want to burden him, you know? I hope he enjoyed the present as well.

I’m so grateful for him, and so lucky to have him in my life. I absolutely cannot wait until I can send him my artwork, and until the day I can see him again. For now, though, I’ll just work hard and have fun for these next two weeks. ^^ Thanks for tuning in! I hope everyone stays safe and has a great winter break as well.

@vintage-brass-tc

Mon, 20 Dec 2021 16:40:04

grapefruittwostep:

grapefruittwostep:
I’m trying to get into this cool trades union training program but also today I have to take a math test which I haven’t done in like eleven years so I do very much wanna die thank you
Hey it went BAD

Hey I got in to the program anyway so like … don’t let long division or being 5ft tall stop you from your electrician dreams I GUESS???

#i’m freaking out