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War of the Spark: Ravnica – Ashes

Yes I know I haven’t gone over the email stories. I was going to read it yesterday to compare & contrast it with today’s, but I’ll give Greg Weisman one last chance. Let’s let him wrap things up before we move onto better things…

I.

• Y’know, reading the first paragraph, it reminds me of something. It’s like hearing your friends talking about something funny that happened, but when they tell it it’s kinda eh, and they’re like ‘You had to be there.’ That. That’s what this is.
• Why does everyone keep calling it a gem between his horns? It’s made of metal. Unless it’s coated in metal, in which case why would you hide your bling, Bolas?
• Of course Liliana is still alive. We STILL don’t know who Raven Man is.
• STOP. CALLING. THEM. CREEPIES!!!
• I think that’s Rhonas and Kefnet down, if the card art is anything to go by.
• He spoke with such confidence, such authority, that he was pretty darn reassuring, you know?
  
• DON’T SAY THAT WE’RE GONNA MISS HIM EVEN MORE NOW…!
• “The plan, this time, is simple enough. For the moment, Bolas has pulled back the bulk of his forces to his Citadel. So we’ll respond by launching a massive two-pronged attack. On the ground, every guildmember, every Planeswalker—hell, every Ravnican who can hold a weapon—will launch a full-frontal assault. Everything we’ve got. All at once. Everyone. Unless you can fly or can hitch a ride on something that does. Next, while the ground assault keeps the Eternals busy, Aurelia, me, and the rest of our combined air forces will engage from above. I’ll make use of my invulnerability to get in close. Then I’ll stab Bolas with Blackblade. And it will all be over.” He made it sound really simple, really easy.
  Too easy …
  
• Nominated for a “Slimefoot thought it was a terrible idea” award.
• I love Ral trying to protect his boyfriend~!
• Mister Jura began, raising Blackblade high once more and saying: “Never again. Not on any world. This I swear: for Sea Gate, for Zendikar, for Ravnica and all its people, for justice and peace, I will keep watch. And after Bolas falls, when any new danger arises to threaten the Multiverse, I will be there with the Gatewatch beside me.”

• I’m pretty sure the rest of Jace’s Oath was telepathic. Where’s your psychic powers for that, Rat?
• Chandra’s, same as before.
• Teferi would know all about the strong plaguing the weak: he’s met Urza.
• “I have seen tyrants whose ambitions knew no limits. Creatures who styled themselves gods or praetors…”
  
• HOLD UP WAIT A MINUTE HOLD UP WAIT A MINUTE
• AJANI, BRUH, YOU AIN’T NEVER BEEN ON NEW PHYREXIA
• ‘But he met with Elspeth!’ Yeah – he ain’t seen shit about praetors! Unless there’s a Roman plane we ain’t been to yet, but f*ck that shit! I’m calling you out on this, Greg Weisman!
  
• NISSA SAID HER OATH SHE’S BACK BABY!!!
• Wait… where’s Kaya’s oath? There was a card for it and everything.
  
• Don’t you go onto the next section without giving us Kaya’s Oath!

II.

• I wonder how long Isperia’s petrified corpse is gonna stay there. Did she have any family? How often do sphinxes have kids anyways? Are there litters, or is it one at a time?
• Chandra. You want Chandra to turn on the Immortal Sun. Okay. I didn’t know it could be turned off, but hey, whatevs. Azor’s a dick, and I could totes see him keeping everyone else on the plane even after he thought Ugin abandoned him, instead of just letting everyone else flee.
  
• Actually this still has me pissed off, but I’m too tired to articulate my frustration.
• Oh yeah, Dack could touch the Immortal Sun and learn how it works. It’s not like he’s… oh right…

• Yes I am still immensely proud of my edit.
• "There’s a humongous golden trinket a couple blocks away, and instead of going after it, I’m off to fight an Elder Dragon. Some thief …” – Dack Fayden, not quite last words but close enough
  

III.

• If I was a little bit …invulnerable, I’d use that to make sure my friends and family stayed alive and safe.
  

• Rub more salt in our wounds, why don’t you.
• That’s… an awkward conversation between Vraska and Jace. I feel like if we knew what was going on, it might seem less so. Why aren’t I complaining about it more? You’ll see…
• Ral, are you jealous of their relationship goals?

IV.

• FIRST LINE AND WE’RE ALREADY IN MEDIA RES, HEARING ABOUT SOMETHING THAT ALREADY HAPPENED OFF-SCREEN.
• I mean, axes can still be used for sneak-attack. Hell, any weapon can be used for sneak-attack in 5e. Maybe they’re working on Pathfinder rules…
• I’m surprised sparks are still flying up. Just how many people on Ravnica are planeswalkers?
• For that matter, is the baby from Under the Cover of Fog still allive???
• Also I miss Nicky Drayden. Even at her worst, she still showed gave us a lot of worldbuilding, memorable characters, intriguing settings, and new ways of thinking about each of the guilds. She is leagues above Greg Weisman.
•  Oh right, as the eternals are covered in Lazotep, Dack would be able to touch ‘em and gain insight. Shame he couldn’t put that to use…
  
• I guess it makes sense for Vorel to return a bit to his roots and use a mace, but I’d be hulking out and using my fits if I were in the simic. Or use a swordfish as a weapon, because I’m in the Simic and I can make a fish that can be air and remain perfectly rigid when impaled through a foe!
• RAT DON’T YOU DARE CALL VRASKA A DEMON IN MY PRESENCE EVER AGAIN!!!
• Jace apparently had telekinesis now.
• Sorin and Nahiri are working together for now. It’s temporary. I fully expect a set where they’re duking it out on some plane. Maybe the Gatewatch has to stop their feud from destroying more worlds.
• Of all the scenes we get to see, of course we get to see Dack’s death!
• Rest in peace, you brilliant thief. You deserved to star in one of the main sets, and you certainly deserved a better death, but we’ll always remember you as the greatest thief in the multiverse…

V.

• How is Kaya valuable to you? Oh right, your unnoticability…
• Rat. Please. Tell me. How do you know what a werewolf is? Is it your psychic ability to know things you shouldn’t?

VI.

• Oh hey! We get to see Feather! See and nothing more. Perhaps in the novel…
• Ooh, card callbacks with sapphire drake!
• So Liliana actually gave the order to shoot Gideon down. Not an autopilot zombie thing – she actually fucking pantomimed shooting a fucking bow and arrow to shoot down Gideon. Just…fuck.

VII.

• If she was caught off guard, maybe Bolas made her enforce her contract. Yeah, Imma go with that ‘til I read the novel…
• Let’s all take a moment to appreciate Viktor Titov and his art piece here. Gideon Jura, wielding the Blackblade, riding amidst the flames on Rakdos’ head, all while lightning arcs in the background. F*cking superb!
• Oof, but this is hardly the worst thing Rakdos has endured.
• Blackbladeshattered against Nicol Bolas’s invincible brow.
  
• If nothing else, we got the phrase ‘invincible brow’ from these stories.

VIII.

• Okay, folks. It’s coming. The moment we’ve all been dreading…
• I knew then that Miss Raven-Hair had switched sides. No way to know why…
  
• A child with unexplained psychic powers? Greg… you haven’t been reading Stephen King, have you? It all makes sense now…!
• Yes, that was it. There was less of her; black flecks and purple sparks were being carried off by the wind. I was watching her flake apart, disintegrate, one little bit at a time.
  That does not seem like a pleasant way to go …
  
• Mister Jura I don’t feel so good…
• Goodbye, Gideon…
• (I know it’s insensitive, but did his Eternal Aegis transfer to Liliana?)

IX.

• Well, looks like Bolas was backstabbed figuratively and literally! Go Niv-Mizzet! Bonus points for using the last Amonkheti God’s weapon!
  
• And now Bolas is no longer a planeswalker. His own weapons, turned against him. Glorious.
• Now, we know from the cards Bolas is in the Meditation Realm with Ugin serving as his jailer. I suppose it’ll be explained in the novel…

X.

• Oh, Vitu-Ghazi’s just dormant. Good to know!
• Note from the wiki, she apparently took Bolas’ Spirit-Gem. Y’know, it kinda does look like an egg… maybe the Raven Man will hatch from it…
• I saw Miss Yanling and Mister Yanggu depart with their three-tailed dog (who seemed to turn to stone just before all three vanished).
  
• …?
• I guess that’s how he’s trying to explain how Mowu can go between planes? I don’t like it.

XI.

• Sorta strange, but then again Rat’s powers are strange, so you’re forgiven for not remembering her, Hekara.
• “COME, WOMAN,” he said in his booming sepulchral voice, “RAVNICA IS OURS AGAIN. THE LONG BATTLE HAS BROUGHT THE PEOPLE LOW, AND THE CIRCUS MACABRE MUST PLAY TO THE CROWD AND LIGHTEN ALL HEARTS. WE HAVE PERFORMERS TO GATHER, ACTS TO PREPARE, AND A READY-MADE AUDIENCE YEARNING TO FORGET THE DAY’S HORRORS—BY BURNING. BLEEDING AND BURNING.”
  
• We got this too out of today’s story. This was fun.
• I’m with Angrath: Destroy the Immortal Sun.
• Dang, Ob Nixilis is on their hitlist now… What did he do? Recently, I mean.
• Miss Nalaar looked over at the demolished Embassy of the Guildpact and said, “We lost our clubhouse.”
  
• The Gatewatch do need a clubhouse. It brought us one of the greatest stories in Magic, Homesick.
• There’s Kaya’s Oath.
• God bless you, Niv-Mizzet, bragging about your new job to the former holder of said job.
• Tomik showing his allegiance to his guild. Think of the property damage…!
• So here’s the hitlist as follows:
• Ral Zarek vs Tezzeret
  I am 100% convinced Tezzeret will show up on New Phyrexia. Ral, bring a hazmat suit.
• Vraska vs Dovin Baan
  So her “punishment” is getting to kill the former Azorius guildmaster? Dang, she got off easy…
• Kaya vs Liliana Vess
  I mean if you really want to help the dead move on, Kaya, you got your work cut out for you…

That was… alright. There was still a lot missing, but it still summed up the story pretty well… though not as well as the cards in the set did :P

So what’s next? Well I have a backlog of email stories to read which I’ve heard are fantastic, so I’ll try and work on that tomorrow. Then we have Core Set spoilers, not sure if we’re getting stories with that or not. We still haven’t had an announcement day in what seems like forever! But I’m sure we’ll get it eventually.

As for you, Greg Weisman…

… we’ll see if it’s just the free stories you wrote that aren’t so good, or you yourself…

…stay tuned for the Ravnica prequels, and for the roasting of Greg Weisman!!!

War of the Spark: Ravnica – Desperat Operatives

Last time, plans were made, some characters did things that were a bit odd for them, and Operation Desperation! Let’s see what’s next!

I.

• “What happens with the Azorius Senate and House Dimir~? Buy the book!” – Some money-grubbing Wizards CEO, probably
• And no, I’m not going to stop harping on this. The culmination of years of story and planning is literally locked behind a paywall. What we’re getting here is just bedcrumbs.
• Kaya’s in charge of getting the Golgari, Rakdos, Gruul, and Selesnya in line. Only one of those is going to be easy I’m guessing, and it’s the guild who has a color about working together.
• Rat might be able to help with Gruul, given her origin.
• Oh hey, Nissa’s here! Somehow. I mean planar beacon, etc., but how specifically she got to this point, if she saw Chandra, and so on, is left to the novelpaywall.
• Please stop calling them ‘creepies’ like a child referring to bugs. You’re lessening the threat the eternals present.
• Nissa, as always, proving herself a polite yet potent powerhouse.
• Miss Revane, in particular, seemed to be public enemy number one for having awakened Vitu-Ghazi, resulting in the World-Tree’s departure, dismemberment, and near-complete destruction.
  
• “It wanted to help protect you!” – Nissa, who did nothing wrong.
• Well at least we’re getting background on Rat. Or more precisely her godfather, but still really neat!
• Your godfather gives you piggy-back rides? Rat’s godfather gives her centaur-back rides!
• Ah, the return of Rat, Information Kiosk!
• “It’s understandable. But I believe we have business to attend to.” He turned to Mistress Kaya and Teyo, saying, “Anyone with the good taste to take notice of our Araithia deserves a chance to be heard.
  "Again, Miss Revane leaned in to whisper, "Who is this Araithia?”

• Nissa sweetie, you’re doing your best here…!
• Wait… what? Is it invisibility? Or does she have the powers of The Shadow since she’s slightly psychic? Y’know, from the old radio show? The ability to cloud men’s minds so that they cannot see him?
• What are you talking about? When getting someone to meditate, you’re a phenomenal talker! Or is it just for Chandra~?
• Yeah I can blame you a little, Rat. It’s not Nissa’s fault that Vitu-Ghazi was killed by Rhonas, but the Selesnya still need someone to blame. 

II.

• Oh right, Teyo’s from some sort of desert world. Of course he’d be amazed to see so much green!
• Hang on… oh no…
• So Teyo came from a desert world, went to a city world, and then somewhere with a lot of vegetation.
  Anakin came from a desert world, went to a city world, then went to Naboo.
  …
  Okay, I may be a bit tired. It’s a long stretch. But if we get ratfolk on Gobakhan, I’m changing my profile picture to a jawa.
• Also according to mtg.gamepedia, in the novel it’s mentioned that Gobakhan has two suns… but even so Teyo’s still better written than Anakin.
• Speaking of Gobakhan, no loxodon there. We didn’t see a reaction from Teyo towards godfather Boruvo, so he either didn’t have one (meaning there are centaurs there), or it wasn’t mentioned. Since we know so little about Gobakhan, I’ll assume the former.
• So Rat chose wisely and chose the ability to be unnoticeable, which is 1000x better than invisibility. Invisible people leave footprints that can be tracked: unnoticeable people leave tracks which aren’t important enough to follow.
• It’s probably a good thing Rat wasn’t sent to the Dimir: Lazav would’ve been like, “You’re hired.”
  “I didn’t–”
  “Sure you did, don’t you remember? Speaking of memory, the rest of you don’t know her. You just met her today. She’s always been a part of my guild. Now what was this about Operation Desperation?”
  
• Trostani isn’t even dischordant: one of the trio ain’t even playing their instrument. That’s a musical pun, by the by.
• Emmara Tandris, former Selesnyan maze-runner, as well as Jace’s ex. He wiped her memory of planeswalking and other worlds, but given what’s happened with the War of the Spark… oh well.
• I hope that’s her card name when she finally gets one: Araithia, still Gateless.
• Aw, Emmara’s so sweet!
• “Emmara, please,” Kaya said. “We need to unite the guilds. Ral has a plan passed down by Niv to save Ravnica, but it won’t work without all ten guilds cooperating.”
  “And it may not work even if all ten guilds cooperate, correct?”
  
• “…Youhave been outside, right? We’re kinda out of options.” – Kaya, probably.
  
• Oh she’s not Mistress Emmara, she’s Milady Emmara. Fancy!
• “In fact, I suspect the troubles on my world may be Bolas’s handiwork, as well.” – Kaya
• Oho! Backstory ahoy! We still don’t know her home plane, but Bolas may be meddling there! Well, may have been meddling there.
  
• Side-note, it’ll be interesting to see what will come from Bolas’ schemes on other planes without his interference/guidance. And his minions. I mean, we know Tezzeret’s probably gonna apply for that Father of Machines position in New Phyrexia, but aside from him…
• Oh hey, Trostani woke up! Well, Cim did, anyways.
• …I find it really odd that Ses is so reluctant. I wonder if this seed of information will grow into something sinister down the line?

III.

• I wonder how the beacon worked anyways. Like was it a light that only planeswalkers could see, and then moth-to-flame and all that? Or was it like a siren’s song? Ah well: it’s gone, so that’s one plan succeeded!
• I don’t know what was getting into me, but I actually stopped and rolled my eyes at her. “No one else hears me. No one else wants to. Besides, we’ve almost reached Skarrg. Now, when we get there, you guys should let me do the talking.”
  “I thought they can’t hear you,” Teyo said. Then he looked stricken, afraid he’d hurt my feelings.
  
• This is so sweet, but I’m still putting this in for Best Owns and Burns.
  
• Ah yes, normal Gruul sounds: angry voices and weapon clashing.
• Oh shit, Rat’s dad is fighting Borborygmos! I thought Domri killed him and that’s how he became guildmaster? Quick, to the wiki!
  
• Okay he was defeated and everyone lost respect for him. But he’s still alive!

IV.

• “Please, Araithia, no need to shout!”
  “I thought Gruul warriors were supposed to shout!”
  “In battle. Not at their mothers,” she said and cuffed me hard.
• No matter your guild, your mother is still your mother. Well if you’re in the Dimir, I suppose you could lose the memory of who your mother is, but that’s splitting hairs here.
• “We have to go,” I said. “Gan Shokta and Borborygmos are killing each other.
  "She faked a yawn. "Again?”
  
• This deserves a Masterclass of Sass award!
• “I know, Araithia. I heard. I’m so very sorry. She could kill with the best of them. And she was a good friend to you. A worthy friend.” – Ari Shokta
  
• Best Mom in Ravnica. Putting you in for a Best Supporting Character award!

V.

• Again, this plays into guild conflict. While Ral and Kaya didn’t directly associate with Domri, since they all served Bolas and Domri is dead, Borborygmos needs to blame somebody (else).
• Hold on, let’s do a list of Ari’s weapons:
• A Sword
• An Axe
• Two long daggers (shortswords?)
• Iron chain
• Guns *flexes arms*
• … Okay that was a bit odd, but the Gruul are in? Yay?
• In all seriousness, it’s nice to see a soft side to Gruul.

VI.

• Jesus, Ral! 66 minutes???
  
  …
  
  …you couldn’t wait for three more minutes?
  
  …
  
  ..must’ve been a damn good 66 minutes if Tomik’s still with you~
• What is a Krokt and why are you using it as a swear? Quick, to the wiki!
• Oh, they’re unlucky goblins, mostly in Rakdos. Makes sense.
• Mistress Kaya smirked a bit, as Master Zarek ran through allthe implications of what I was telling him.
  
• He’s 100% wondering if she caught him and Tomik together.
• “I’m used to it. And really, I’m kinda impressed at what you’re doing now. My mother says it took my father three months after I was born to master focusing on me.” – Rat
  
• God, I was so hoping this was the case!
• “Ari, what are you holding?”
  “Your daughter.”
  “Oh.”
  
• Now for the big question: did Jace restore Vraska’s memories yet? DO WE ACTUALLY GET TO SEE THAT MOMENT???
• "I think I’m very open to new things.”
  “No, you don’t. You want to be. But you don’t believe you are. But you are. Isn’t that strange?”
  
• …I don’t know whether to put this in for a Non Sequitur award or a Pathetic Planeswalker Excuses award. I’ll put it in both for now.
• If you’re walking in concentric circles, it’s a spiral.
• You already know the Golgari mazes! Plot convenience at its finest…!
• Well if you’re laying a trap, you should be expecting enemies by definition.
• Ah, love that descriptive language! Dead leaves being blown across a grave. Shame we don’t get that more often in the WAR stories…
• Oh hey, the Erstwhile have a leader! Storrev!
• Ooh! We get to see Mazirek again! Yay!
• Isperia’s last look was of mild surprise? Had she seen this coming and thought it the best outcome, a la Doctor Strange?
• Mister Azdomas made a series of clicking noises in his throat before speaking. There was a dark anger in the clicking and in his voice: “Mazirek was another Bolas collaborator, revealed by Queen Vraska before her departure.”
  
• … what?
• What?
• What the f*ck?
• How??
• When??
• WHY???
• Mazirek was the one who freed the Erstwhile! Why is he a tormentor???
• Literally from what we saw of him he was fine! He was drinking tea with Vraska and everything!!! WHy is he suddenly a bad guy???
• WHAT THE EVERLOVING FUCK!?!?!?
• “You look ridiculous,” Master Zarek said to her, trying to replace a certain tone of bitterness with something approximating contempt. “What are you supposed to be, a pirate?” 

VII.

• Guess we don’t get to see her return to normal… aw…
• What that’s it? You just agree with her? I guess time’s of the essence, but still…
• RIP Khazi, whomever you were…
• Mu Yanling is there too??? She didn’t even get a card! Please don’t tell me she dies…
• MOWU MOWU MOWU MOWU MOWU
• Also, if the eternals have stormed the doors, they can enter buildings now.
• And now they need to get the Rakdos on their side…

Well that was… a mixed bag. It was long, it went here and there, and… eh? It was alright. I may be too tired to get really mad, like how Vraska’s in her pirate garb or how she managed to leave Ravnica before the Sun took effect. Again, probably in the novel paywall. It wasn’t altogether bad, but considering the past few stories it needed to be a lot better. It was still not good, but not bad enough for me to get really angry. Except that Mazirek part because what the f–

We got diplomatic missions! Nissa! Hostility! Sneaking! Centaur godfathers! Implausible unnoticeability! Emmara! Trostani! Ses’s obstinance! Rat’s parents! Gruul fights! Ral’s 66 minutes! Implications! Mischaracterized Mazirek! Pirate Queen Vraska! 

But will Rat’s ability continue to be brought up and clog the plot? Stay tuned!