Last time, Rat was unnoticeable! This time, Operation Desperation!
…
Wait, did Tumblr get rid of the divider lines? Son of a – how am I supposed to divide segments now? Just have no dividers like an unprofessional writer???
I.
Ah right, Jarad was killed and became a lich. That’s why it’s ‘first killed’.
… part of me is considering pasting these stories in a word doc, and replacing all instances of ‘creepies’ with ‘eternals’. See how that reads.
Oh good, the portal’s closed!
Or maybe four … My companions all stopped dead in their tracks. I asked Teyo what was wrong, and he said something had changed.
That’s it? No quotes? I mean, Teyo’s new to planeswalking and all, so he probably would be unfamiliar with the sensation.
Also, what kind of monster puts spaces between their ellipses?
Also also, Rat’s psychic abilities coming into play!
Jace, Teferi, Jaya, and Vivien vs. Liliana & the Dreadhorde… f*ck that’s a good band name…
Yes, there was still the dragon. Actually, did Bolas just show up to sit pretty and let all the sparks come to him? Is laziness in his color alignments, or does he have to concentrate on the Elder Spell?
II.
The first juggler, wearing studded red leathers and ribbons that ended in sharp metal fishhooks, impressively juggled six flaming torches. The second juggler juggled eight human skulls. The third juggled twelve flaming skulls. The fourth juggler was an undead skeleton, bones reinforced with wrought iron, including four wrought-iron horns mimicking those of its master, Rakdos the Defiler. It juggled flaming cat skulls pulled from a small furnace smoldering within its own rib cage.
That’s seven, seven times the word ‘juggle’ was used in this paragraph!
Did you count those 500 steps, Rat? I’d make a Proclaimers joke here, but the story hasn’t earned it.
Wait, did Vraska kill Hekara? Quick, to the wiki!
WHAT THE EVERLOVING F*CK!?!?!?
So apparently, in the novel, a Bolas-possessed Lavinia killed Hekara. It mentions Vraska betraying the group, so she might’ve played a part, but… WHAT THE EVERLOVING F*CK???
Greg, are you okay? Do you need help? That’s a rhetorical question: You need an intervention here. That, or motivation. Besides a paycheck. These plot twists have M. Night Shyamalan going, “Woah, tone it down there.”
Y’know, I wonder if Rat’s “latent psychic abilities” are just a device to let us know what the other characters are thinking…
The walls were lined, smeared, with hundreds of torn and overlapping banners, some advertising centuries-old performances, most incorporating some insult to one of the other guilds, with Orzhov, Azorius, and Boros being the most common and popular targets.
See?That’s a good sentence! Why can’t the rest of your stories be like this???
Unicycles exist in Ravnica.
Ogres wearing masks made from ogre skulls… like, bits of ogre skull tied together?
Still, our little group hesitated before the entrance’s ominous red glow—until Queen Vraska muttered, “Screw it,” and marched through the arched gothic doorway.
We missed you, Vraska…
Gobakhan is an arid desert environment. I mean, I kinda guessed that, but still…
Oh hey, Exava! She was the Rakdos maze-runner!
Contralto: the lowest female singing voice.
Oh hey! Tomik Vrona, Ral’s boyfriend!
I scurried over to Hekara’s side. The thrull was tall, and I had to stand on tiptoe to see my friend and kiss her pale cheek. It was real now. I honestly couldn’t tell you whether that made it better or worse.
… okay, moving on.
The last time Niv-Mizzet tried to gain power, Jace became the guildpact. I 100% understand Rakdos’ hesitance.
Hekara’s back! And undead (I think)! And a blood witch!
Hekara cartwheeled away. The cartwheel morphed into a somersault, which morphed into a backflip. Hekara landed on the stage, and I applauded!
Cool trick.
Hellhounds have acidic saliva.
Oh no, Hekara can’t see Rat anymore. I’d be so sad if I didn’t wish I could ignore Rat as a narrator.
III.
I’m not gonna waste another divider on this paragraph.
IV.
F*cking call them eternals…!
Also you know Miss Raven-Hair’s name now, geez…
“Don’t worry. I’ll explain everything that happens as we go.” He said, “I think I’ve got the gist of it all by now.” “Yeah, but you don’t know most of the players.” He started to say something, paused and then said, “Thank you, Araithia. That would be very helpful. And I expect … very entertaining.” “You just love to hear me babble.”
1. You haven’t been explaining. We’ve gotten snippets and tidbits, nothing more.
2. If we wanted the gist of things, we would’ve looked at the cards. Reading the cards explains the story.
3. You’re right, we don’t know most of the players. We have to check out the novel from our local library because f*ck supporting this author.
4. This is not an entertaining experience. Hell, the stories I write are better than this, and I have to write them all in one sitting so I don’t come back and cringe at what I write!
5. WE DON’T LOVE YOUR BABBLING!!!
… I’m fine, I just… needed to get that off my chest. Please tell me the story team will be in charge of the Core Set story… if there is one… please tell me there is one…
Normally I’d say it’s in Agyrem, but that’s vanished. Then again, there are still spirits on Ravnica, so…
Wait, when did the Boros agree to the plan?
Only when all the others had shown their faces did Guildmaster Lazav of House Dimir reveal that he had been there all along—right beside Teyo and I—by morphing out of the form of Chief Varryvort. “Damnit, Lazav!” Master Zarek said in a clipped and dangerous voice. “What the hell have you done with the real Varryvort?” Master Lazav “reassured” Master Zarek in a lazy drawl, “Your accomplished chief chemister is sleeping one off. He’ll be just fine come morning—assuming this succeeds, and any of us are just fine come morning.”
This exchange is almost worth the rest of the story. Almost.
My mother seemed to be looking Teyo up and down. She frowned a little and shot me a questioning look. Apparently, Teyo Verada hadn’t passed muster as a dependable friend for Ari Shokta’s daughter.
Still not worth it, but a valiant attempt.
“The gods know he can hardly do a worse job than Beleren.“ – Ral “As soon as I invent the bus I’m gonna throw you under it” Zarek
First, that’s not untrue…
Second, who are these gods everyone keeps referring to? Give us Ravnica’s pantheon!!!
Rakdos intolerance.
I wonder if Teyo learns about leylines, would he be able to create a planar shield?
Oh shit! Kefnet’s here to interrupt the ritual!
STOP! CALLING! THEM! CREEPIES!!!
And Kefnet would be using his staff or magic for f*ck’s sake!
Gold scales? Lemme check that art real quick…
Nope, still looks red to me.
Oh wow, New Niv Mizzet really is swole!
Side-note, I wonder how the guilds are going to use all this lazotep? Even if all the bodies are cremated, scraps have gotta be laying around somewhere. The Dimir could use the recordative properties, the Izzet could probably do all sorts of crazy stuff…
The eleven were just beginning to come out of their trances. Master Zarek shook his head to clear it and then looked up … just in time to see Master Niv-Mizzet fall. The dragon crashed down ten feet to the left of us, shaking the ground—and shattering all our hopes. The Firemind lay there, breathing heavily and barely moving. One wing seemed bent beneath his body at an angle so awkward, I had to cringe. Gan Shokta said, "That’s it? Is the great power of the new Living Guildpact already spent from dealing with a single one-armed Eternal?”
Dude just came back from the dead and became the Guildpact. Chill out.
Well that was… disappointing. But hey, I got to make dividers from it.
But will we get a compitent story next time??? Stay tuned!!!
Last time, plans were made, some characters did things that were a bit odd for them, and Operation Desperation! Let’s see what’s next!
I.
“What happens with the Azorius Senate and House Dimir~? Buy the book!” – Some money-grubbing Wizards CEO, probably
And no, I’m not going to stop harping on this. The culmination of years of story and planning is literally locked behind a paywall. What we’re getting here is just bedcrumbs.
Kaya’s in charge of getting the Golgari, Rakdos, Gruul, and Selesnya in line. Only one of those is going to be easy I’m guessing, and it’s the guild who has a color about working together.
Rat might be able to help with Gruul, given her origin.
Oh hey, Nissa’s here! Somehow. I mean planar beacon, etc., but how specifically she got to this point, if she saw Chandra, and so on, is left to the novelpaywall.
Please stop calling them ‘creepies’ like a child referring to bugs. You’re lessening the threat the eternals present.
Nissa, as always, proving herself a polite yet potent powerhouse.
Miss Revane, in particular, seemed to be public enemy number one for having awakened Vitu-Ghazi, resulting in the World-Tree’s departure, dismemberment, and near-complete destruction.
“It wanted to help protect you!” – Nissa, who did nothing wrong.
Well at least we’re getting background on Rat. Or more precisely her godfather, but still really neat!
Your godfather gives you piggy-back rides? Rat’s godfather gives her centaur-back rides!
Ah, the return of Rat, Information Kiosk!
“It’s understandable. But I believe we have business to attend to.” He turned to Mistress Kaya and Teyo, saying, “Anyone with the good taste to take notice of our Araithia deserves a chance to be heard. "Again, Miss Revane leaned in to whisper, "Who is this Araithia?”
Nissa sweetie, you’re doing your best here…!
Wait… what? Is it invisibility? Or does she have the powers of The Shadow since she’s slightly psychic? Y’know, from the old radio show? The ability to cloud men’s minds so that they cannot see him?
What are you talking about? When getting someone to meditate, you’re a phenomenal talker! Or is it just for Chandra~?
Yeah I can blame you a little, Rat. It’s not Nissa’s fault that Vitu-Ghazi was killed by Rhonas, but the Selesnya still need someone to blame.
II.
Oh right, Teyo’s from some sort of desert world. Of course he’d be amazed to see so much green!
Hang on… oh no…
So Teyo came from a desert world, went to a city world, and then somewhere with a lot of vegetation. Anakin came from a desert world, went to a city world, then went to Naboo. … Okay, I may be a bit tired. It’s a long stretch. But if we get ratfolk on Gobakhan, I’m changing my profile picture to a jawa.
Also according to mtg.gamepedia, in the novel it’s mentioned that Gobakhan has two suns… but even so Teyo’s still better written than Anakin.
Speaking of Gobakhan, no loxodon there. We didn’t see a reaction from Teyo towards godfather Boruvo, so he either didn’t have one (meaning there are centaurs there), or it wasn’t mentioned. Since we know so little about Gobakhan, I’ll assume the former.
So Rat chose wisely and chose the ability to be unnoticeable, which is 1000x better than invisibility. Invisible people leave footprints that can be tracked: unnoticeable people leave tracks which aren’t important enough to follow.
It’s probably a good thing Rat wasn’t sent to the Dimir: Lazav would’ve been like, “You’re hired.” “I didn’t–” “Sure you did, don’t you remember? Speaking of memory, the rest of you don’t know her. You just met her today. She’s always been a part of my guild. Now what was this about Operation Desperation?”
Trostani isn’t even dischordant: one of the trio ain’t even playing their instrument. That’s a musical pun, by the by.
Emmara Tandris, former Selesnyan maze-runner, as well as Jace’s ex. He wiped her memory of planeswalking and other worlds, but given what’s happened with the War of the Spark… oh well.
I hope that’s her card name when she finally gets one: Araithia, still Gateless.
Aw, Emmara’s so sweet!
“Emmara, please,” Kaya said. “We need to unite the guilds. Ral has a plan passed down by Niv to save Ravnica, but it won’t work without all ten guilds cooperating.” “And it may not work even if all ten guilds cooperate, correct?”
“…Youhave been outside, right? We’re kinda out of options.” – Kaya, probably.
Oh she’s not Mistress Emmara, she’s Milady Emmara. Fancy!
“In fact, I suspect the troubles on my world may be Bolas’s handiwork, as well.” – Kaya
Oho! Backstory ahoy! We still don’t know her home plane, but Bolas may be meddling there! Well, may have been meddling there.
Side-note, it’ll be interesting to see what will come from Bolas’ schemes on other planes without his interference/guidance. And his minions. I mean, we know Tezzeret’s probably gonna apply for that Father of Machines position in New Phyrexia, but aside from him…
Oh hey, Trostani woke up! Well, Cim did, anyways.
…I find it really odd that Ses is so reluctant. I wonder if this seed of information will grow into something sinister down the line?
III.
I wonder how the beacon worked anyways. Like was it a light that only planeswalkers could see, and then moth-to-flame and all that? Or was it like a siren’s song? Ah well: it’s gone, so that’s one plan succeeded!
I don’t know what was getting into me, but I actually stopped and rolled my eyes at her. “No one else hears me. No one else wants to. Besides, we’ve almost reached Skarrg. Now, when we get there, you guys should let me do the talking.” “I thought they can’t hear you,” Teyo said. Then he looked stricken, afraid he’d hurt my feelings.
This is so sweet, but I’m still putting this in for Best Owns and Burns.
Ah yes, normal Gruul sounds: angry voices and weapon clashing.
Oh shit, Rat’s dad is fighting Borborygmos! I thought Domri killed him and that’s how he became guildmaster? Quick, to the wiki!
Okay he was defeated and everyone lost respect for him. But he’s still alive!
IV.
“Please, Araithia, no need to shout!” “I thought Gruul warriors were supposed to shout!” “In battle. Not at their mothers,” she said and cuffed me hard.
No matter your guild, your mother is still your mother. Well if you’re in the Dimir, I suppose you could lose the memory of who your mother is, but that’s splitting hairs here.
“We have to go,” I said. “Gan Shokta and Borborygmos are killing each other. "She faked a yawn. "Again?”
This deserves a Masterclass of Sass award!
“I know, Araithia. I heard. I’m so very sorry. She could kill with the best of them. And she was a good friend to you. A worthy friend.” – Ari Shokta
Best Mom in Ravnica. Putting you in for a Best Supporting Character award!
V.
Again, this plays into guild conflict. While Ral and Kaya didn’t directly associate with Domri, since they all served Bolas and Domri is dead, Borborygmos needs to blame somebody (else).
Hold on, let’s do a list of Ari’s weapons:
A Sword
An Axe
Two long daggers (shortswords?)
Iron chain
Guns *flexes arms*
… Okay that was a bit odd, but the Gruul are in? Yay?
In all seriousness, it’s nice to see a soft side to Gruul.
VI.
Jesus, Ral! 66 minutes???
…
…you couldn’t wait for three more minutes?
… ..must’ve been a damn good 66 minutes if Tomik’s still with you~
What is a Krokt and why are you using it as a swear? Quick, to the wiki!
Oh, they’re unlucky goblins, mostly in Rakdos. Makes sense.
Mistress Kaya smirked a bit, as Master Zarek ran through allthe implications of what I was telling him.
He’s 100% wondering if she caught him and Tomik together.
“I’m used to it. And really, I’m kinda impressed at what you’re doing now. My mother says it took my father three months after I was born to master focusing on me.” – Rat
God, I was so hoping this was the case!
“Ari, what are you holding?” “Your daughter.” “Oh.”
Now for the big question: did Jace restore Vraska’s memories yet? DO WE ACTUALLY GET TO SEE THAT MOMENT???
"I think I’m very open to new things.” “No, you don’t. You want to be. But you don’t believe you are. But you are. Isn’t that strange?”
…I don’t know whether to put this in for a Non Sequitur award or a Pathetic Planeswalker Excuses award. I’ll put it in both for now.
If you’re walking in concentric circles, it’s a spiral.
You already know the Golgari mazes! Plot convenience at its finest…!
Well if you’re laying a trap, you should be expecting enemies by definition.
Ah, love that descriptive language! Dead leaves being blown across a grave. Shame we don’t get that more often in the WAR stories…
Oh hey, the Erstwhile have a leader! Storrev!
Ooh! We get to see Mazirek again! Yay!
Isperia’s last look was of mild surprise? Had she seen this coming and thought it the best outcome, a la Doctor Strange?
Mister Azdomas made a series of clicking noises in his throat before speaking. There was a dark anger in the clicking and in his voice: “Mazirek was another Bolas collaborator, revealed by Queen Vraska before her departure.”
… what?
What?
What the f*ck?
How??
When??
WHY???
Mazirek was the one who freed the Erstwhile! Why is he a tormentor???
Literally from what we saw of him he was fine! He was drinking tea with Vraska and everything!!! WHy is he suddenly a bad guy???
WHAT THE EVERLOVING FUCK!?!?!?
“You look ridiculous,” Master Zarek said to her, trying to replace a certain tone of bitterness with something approximating contempt. “What are you supposed to be, a pirate?”
VII.
Guess we don’t get to see her return to normal… aw…
What that’s it? You just agree with her? I guess time’s of the essence, but still…
RIP Khazi, whomever you were…
Mu Yanling is there too??? She didn’t even get a card! Please don’t tell me she dies…
MOWU MOWU MOWU MOWU MOWU
Also, if the eternals have stormed the doors, they can enter buildings now.
And now they need to get the Rakdos on their side…
Well that was… a mixed bag. It was long, it went here and there, and… eh? It was alright. I may be too tired to get really mad, like how Vraska’s in her pirate garb or how she managed to leave Ravnica before the Sun took effect. Again, probably in the novel paywall. It wasn’t altogether bad, but considering the past few stories it needed to be a lot better. It was still not good, but not bad enough for me to get really angry. Except that Mazirek part because what the f–
