#lilbeanblr talks

LIVE

Before people ask, no I’m not okay I haven’t been okay for months, I just pretend to be okay so others don’t have to worry, my problems are my problems no one else’s, and no one else needs to deal with my shit, half of my problems won’t ever be solve able. The rest well let’s not think about them for now.

Am I suicidal ? No, at least not nearly enough to be in danger to myself. I still think about killing myself a lot, I often wonder what would happen when I finally leave the world. Would anyone care ? Would anyone remember me? I don’t think anyone would even bat an eye to be honest.

I feel disconnected to everyone and everything, Fanders don’t feel as welcoming, my relationship doesn’t feel as strong and unbreakable, Furries are still a toxic and uncaring. I don’t know how to be, I don’t know who to be, I don’t know who I am. I’m just here floating around, being what everyone wants me to be. Or at least trying to.

Nothing brings me joy, nothing makes me happy, everything I do I over criticise to the point half the time I stop trying. Why botching doing anything, why waste energy on anything. I have begun to sleep more and more in hopes I just don’t wake up. Everything is both too much and not enough, I’m cold, I’m alone, and ultimately I am nothing.

Do I think writing up this long post will achieve anything in my life, no, why would it. Things don’t suddenly change just because I want them to, if that were the case people close to mw would be billionaires.

So why am I writing this? I don’t know really maybe it’s just to vent, maybe this is my way of making a suicide journal (probably not), whatever it is it does calm me. It also reminds me of my suicide journal I wrote, half of the stuff in that was pretty much the same kind of writing as this, only that was in a note book purposely made to document my demise and ultimately my death, this is just a random venting article posted to the internet.

Will this help my mentality? Nope, it never does. My brain was fruitfully fucked over at the age of 3 and since then it will never recover. I will always be like this. Sad, depressed and angry, cold and alone, and tired oh so very very tired.