i finally got a prescription for a medication that actually helps my anxiety and insomnia and it makes a world of a difference i’m over the moon!!! i’m feeling inspired to start making content again as well as do so many other things!!! like i feel way more able to answer people and make art, pursue other hobbies like raising butterflies etc, i’m playing piano right now for the first time in years reteaching myself the songs i used to play n having so much fun i’m so happy :’) 
Before people ask, no I’m not okay I haven’t been okay for months, I just pretend to be okay so others don’t have to worry, my problems are my problems no one else’s, and no one else needs to deal with my shit, half of my problems won’t ever be solve able. The rest well let’s not think about them for now.
Am I suicidal ? No, at least not nearly enough to be in danger to myself. I still think about killing myself a lot, I often wonder what would happen when I finally leave the world. Would anyone care ? Would anyone remember me? I don’t think anyone would even bat an eye to be honest.
I feel disconnected to everyone and everything, Fanders don’t feel as welcoming, my relationship doesn’t feel as strong and unbreakable, Furries are still a toxic and uncaring. I don’t know how to be, I don’t know who to be, I don’t know who I am. I’m just here floating around, being what everyone wants me to be. Or at least trying to.
Nothing brings me joy, nothing makes me happy, everything I do I over criticise to the point half the time I stop trying. Why botching doing anything, why waste energy on anything. I have begun to sleep more and more in hopes I just don’t wake up. Everything is both too much and not enough, I’m cold, I’m alone, and ultimately I am nothing.
Do I think writing up this long post will achieve anything in my life, no, why would it. Things don’t suddenly change just because I want them to, if that were the case people close to mw would be billionaires.
So why am I writing this? I don’t know really maybe it’s just to vent, maybe this is my way of making a suicide journal (probably not), whatever it is it does calm me. It also reminds me of my suicide journal I wrote, half of the stuff in that was pretty much the same kind of writing as this, only that was in a note book purposely made to document my demise and ultimately my death, this is just a random venting article posted to the internet.
Will this help my mentality? Nope, it never does. My brain was fruitfully fucked over at the age of 3 and since then it will never recover. I will always be like this. Sad, depressed and angry, cold and alone, and tired oh so very very tired.
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Today, I took care of my mental health by seeing my psychiatric nurse practicioner and having him raise my antidepressant. I’ve been having a lot of seasonal depression, and I’m hoping that this will help with that. I still have to go to the pharmacy to pick it up, but tomorrow morning I’ll start my new dose.
My brain won’t shut up and as per usual I’m hiding everything underneath a cut because I feel like my feelings are a bother to people. And I get it. There’s going to be at least one of you who tries to tell me. “Your feelings aren’t a bother Kira!” Iknow that logically, but it does not stop my brain and my heart from feelingthat way.
So now here I am ready to explain my existence to you because my brain won’t let me write and it won’t let me draw either and today I feel like a failure of a human being because I can’t handle stress and worse I can’t even cry to cope. So here we are.
So all that personal shit I don’t talk about.
I almost lost my migraine prescription this week.
So context for those unaware: I have a lot of medical issues. I take a monthly preventive shot to contend to my migraines and I have for well over a couple years now. It doesn’t make them go away completely but it does make them less and I haven’t had to go to the ER recently because of them so I mean that’s a plus.
The downside to this is, while it helps control my migraines pretty well, if I fall off it, as I did a couple times last year because of pharmacy screw ups - I end up out of work for however long it takes to get back to me and in urgent care because I get migraines so bad that I get so dizzy I’m unable to stand. So I mean fuck driving at that point right?
So I almost lost it because I got a text message telling me that my prescription had been changed / canceled and I freaked out and called the hospital like it told me to and they told me they didn’t know what I was talking about and didn’t have a record, etc. I basically had to hold my breath for the lady who fills my script to call this week, thank god she did. That was a mini-heart attack.
As for work, I’m on burn out. My Lead worker / direct Boss told me in feb. that he was getting ready to retire Spring 2023 and he needed to make sure he was getting everything around so I could take over. Todayhe says “I dunno when I’ll retire, haven’t decided yet maybe if Chris (his boss my boss-boss) pisses me off. Rumor some how got around that he was planning on retiring and because it got back to him he pulled back all plans out of spite. I have no idea when he’s going to retire now.
For those of you who have listened to my work rants (for many years now) know how devastatingof a blow this is for me. There was a planand he reneged on me. So basically long story short when it comes to work -> I’m still stuck doing almost all the manager work but not getting paid for it. And Chris - my big boss - knowsit’s going on and does nothing about it. I’m burnt out. My boss, Terry, literally looked at me and was like “it’s chill day, just do whatever.” because he didn’t feel like working and knows I will keep busy all day on my own.
What the fuck.
So I’ve been fighting the depression side of my bipolar for a little more than a month and half now:
Look I am over 1400 entries solid into this app. It is accurate to the day. I haven’t missed a day since 2018. Things have not been good.I keep trying to claw my way out of it. I have using every tool I have in my tool box but nothing is helping. My SOS is busted. Nothing works.
the kick in the ass is this is from beforemy idiot physiatrist started taking my anti-convulsant away:
But it’s not “doing anything” he says. I have taken anti-seizure medication for four years to help mood control and this fucker who barely talks or sees me since Aug 2021 decides that all the doctors before him and in my 13 years of being diagnosed with this suddenly decides I don’t “experience mania” and “Are you sure it’s depression? I haven’t really seen you sad.” SO he decides to look at one of my two mood stabilizers (the other is an anti-psychotic) and just go “yeah it’s not working let’s get rid of it.” but knows nothingabout what I'm going through or dealing with - you know things that effect my mood - and just starts trying to take me down on it. He already triedto rip me off the other one that controls my mania and proceeded to throw me into a two week manic episode as a result.
“I think you were having a manic episode.” I wanted to scream.
ANYWAY.
So that’s all going on. Away from the medical and work bullshit.
Here’s the thing I don’t think I’ve ever been clear about, so me being me - who instantly feels like a disgrace of a human being and the scum of the earth when I think I’m not being clear and I think I’ve been misunderstood again ->
If I’ve never said this to you before I’m autistic. There is no such thing as High Functioning / Low Functioning so don’t ask me that or even say it to me. I’ll scream.
So to get that ableist bullshit out of the way ->
High Functioning + Impairment = I’m going to deny you care because I don’t see your disability as valid enough to give you consideration or accommodation. Low Functioning + Impairment = I’m going to deny you validity because I see your disability as so aggrieviously detrimental to methat I’m not only going to refuse to help you with it but I won’t acknowledge you as a fully functional human either.
Just don’t fucking say it to me.
So with that out of the way, I need you to know,sometimes I go nonverbal. Sometimes it’s partial. Sometimes It’s completely. Sometimes it’s text. Sometimes it’s verbal. Sometimes it’s both.
Sometimes I can only speak / type in few words and that’s it
Sometimes all you’re getting out of me is GIFs and Emojis.
I need you to bear with me for this. I need you to bear with me. Sometimes I simply cannottalk and I also need you all to know and realizefor me that talkingandwriting a post / story isnot mutually the same. When I am IC that is my muse writing, not me. I am simply conveying a story through a muse, I am not processing real world shit.
Guys, if you’re new around here or I haven’t said this to you before. I writetocope. It’s not the same.
And for the new people, the rest of my medical issues include: C-PTSD, Anxiety, Depression, Bipolar 2 rapid cycling, insomnia, chronic migraines
I take a lot of meds, and there is a small patch work system of people holding me together.
I am also a survivor of: Abuse, isolation (the act of being; not self imposed) , sexual assault, martial rape, gaslighting, and weaponized silence.
Do I owe you my life story? No. Do I feel like it helps me know someone as a person if I know a little of what they have going on? Absolutely. Doexpectpeople to tell me what they got going on? Nope. Absolutely not.
But I have been misunderstood and dismissed and passed over and talked over and ignored etc so many times I have become an information dumper and I do this because my brain is beggingto be seen clearly for once and to just have someone accept me even if they don’t get it.
Guys I have been in shut down all week day and I’m fighting so desperately to get out of his hole but here we are. With the ground breaking out from under us again. This isn’t a pity post, to clarify.
Nothing lights my brain on fire faster than pity. I will tell you right now my brain little instantly light to “I don’t want your fucking pity” just so you know it’s a trigger. This also isn’t a “tell me how strong I am” post because every time I’m told I’m strong my brain shuts down and stops working because the minute I hear the word ‘strong’ in relation to me my brain falls into that’s all you’re allowed to be mode and I shut down every emotional function and process I had currently active.
Guys I can’t grin and bear it anymore.
Can I get off this ride? This roller coaster is 0/10. Do not recommend. I’d like to stop now.
CW I will be discussing health issues, possible malpractice, drug addiction, blood mention, pregnancy, and derealization.
Let’s start with the more “concerning” of the two. Certain symptoms are reminiscent of Cholestasis in my liver which, if severe enough, means I’ll have to deliver my child a month early. Along with that it’s caused manic itching and made me scratch until bleeding. It was rather alarming to look down and see I’d unconsciously mutilated my legs. Oops. ;;
Second point requires some backstory. About 6 years ago I was put on a “non-addictive” sleep aid as a treatment for my insomnia. The problem with this is that I’ve been taking this medicine daily for SIX YEARS, UNINTERRUPTED. There was hardly any dose changes from the medium dose I took, despite my weight fluctuating. Well, when you’re pregnant, your OB will want to reduce the amount of medication you’re on so baby isn’t also effected by it.
Despite this medicine being “non addictive”, I used to go into seizures and fainting spells when I would be abruptly taken off of it. Basically, it’s addictive and it being non addictive is only a sometimes thing depending on who it is.
The past few nights I decided to listen to the good ol doc and quit my medicine as he requested. The first day was fine, albeit, I slept restlessly and had episodes of derealization. It’s nothing too bad and the drug would be out of my system soon, yeah?
Wrong. Day two I woke up after not remembering going to sleep. My husband had just come home and greeted me cheerfully and I literally sat there. I didn’t know who he was, nor that I was married. Even more jarring, I did not know I was pregnant and looking down to see I’m VERY VISIBLY PREGNANT caused me to lock up so bad I went non-verbal. This continued for three hours. Three hours of waking up trembling, crying when he got too close, and being unable to speak. I thought towards the end that I had finally had the stroke my doctors warned might be in my future. Finally I was able to remember everything up until that point.
Now for those of you who are saying “So what? Just post the fic on time” I’d like to clarify that if I couldn’t remember my spouse and kept having lapses in memory, I certainly could not remember much about Genshin Impact (a game I recently got into.) I know a lot of you have common sense to not ask that question but just in case, I’d like to cover my bases. This isn’t targeting anyone btw I just made this comment to clarify I couldn’t remember something as important as if Zhongli was Geo or Pyro. Or that Cryo meant ice. I thought Anemo was a misspelling of anime for a minute and that was probably the funniest thing that happened.
Following up, I’ll be getting both blood work for problem A and a CT scan/MRI for problem B. Let’s hope for the best. ^^
absolutely wild that I never realized I had sensory issues until I was medicated and forgot to take my meds one day, then literally could not drive because the sun was too bright
Not just sertraline, any SSRI or SNRI. Serotonin syndrome can kill you. When I was younger and on a lot of medication, a dose of cough medicine landed me in the ER. Always check potential interactions here before taking anything with antidepressants, even if it’s over-the-counter.
hm so psa bc i didn’t know this, it’s not common knowledge, and flu season is around:
apparently you aren’t supposed to take dextromethorphan (a common cough suppressant. it’s in stuff like cough syrup, mucinex dm, tylenol severe cold) with sertraline(akazoloft, the antidepressant) bc it has the risk of causing Serotonin Syndrome, which is not as fun as the name suggests. i’m not a doctor but like, avoid drug interactions bc they can be serious.
remember to read labels guys aaa
what is Serotonin Syndrome?
According to Wikipedia, mild cases of Serotonin Syndrome can result in high blood pressure and a fast heart rate, moderate cases can result in high body temperature, agitation, sweating, tremors, increased reflexes, dilated pupils and diarrhea, and severe cases of Serotonin Syndrome can result in body temperature rising above 106.0 degrees F (which is 41.1 degrees C). Please remember to always read the labels!
And p.s. just in case if you dont like clicking on links, the link above leads to www.drugs.com; it has a lot of information about different medications and their interactions with each other.
One of us realized yesterday that we’ve been out of our anti-depressants for days and none of us knew it or remembered to refill it. It explains why we had an emotional breakdown a few days ago, why we came as close as we did to suicide, why we felt like self-harming for the first time in years, and why everything has been so hard in general. Now Alan refuses to leave front until we get back on our meds because of how bad it’s gotten. Its scary to see him on alert like this.
I hate having to go to pharmacies i hate having to go see a counselor i hate knowing my freedom could be taken away at any time for wrongthink (i.e. for suicidal thoughts/behaviors) and that i feel so fucking isolated in my troubles. I fucking hate sanism and the impossible goals abled people put on disabled people.
I was gonna try to put a positive spin on this, but fuck that. I cant even get my& fuckin meds until monday because my psychiatrist is out and my alternatives for getting an emergency supply are going on an endless game of phone tag with my pharmacist and my clinic’s after hours’ line or voluntarily admitting myself into a mental hospital that’s known for it’s cases of sexual abuse against patients.
Fuck all of that. Fuck the USA and fuck the psychiatric industrial complex.
